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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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my wife has told me that she has been with her ex, they are

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my wife has told me that she has been with her ex, they are sleeping together. she asked me is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time. I told her anything is possible, but I dont know, I have never felt that way before. I feel wrong to ask her to choose, but it's not fair to me, or the other guy. I love her more than anything, but I can not go on like this anymore, its not right. I dont want to share my wife with her ex. Its not up to me to make that choice. I cant wrap my head around her telling me she has never loved anyone as much as she loves me, but she is still sleeping with him. I dont get it. I feel like I should make that choice for her, I dont want to leave her, but I cant compete with him. How should I do this? I only want what is best for her, and that does not seem to be me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Your wife should not be sleeping with her ex and be married to you at the same time. Loving two people at the same time does not mean you can cheat in your marriage. Your wife is acting on needs she feels are unfulfilled in herself. And she is not using good judgment or acting responsibly to deal with them.

 

Her cheating is damaging your marriage. Wanting the best for you wife is wonderful, but she is not responding by wanting the best for you. She is acting selfishly. This is hurting you and your marriage. It is right for you to ask her to stop cheating. A marriage is supposed to be between two people, not three.

 

You and your wife need counseling to resolve this issue. Find a counselor then ask your wife to come with you to talk. If she will not go, go without her. You need support and help to find a way to resolve this. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor about a referral. Or if you attend church, your pastor may be able to help. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Also, tell your wife that you need her to stop cheating. Her reasons for still loving her ex need to be dealt with in a different manner. At this point, she is just reacting to her feelings and not thinking about what she is doing. She also is not thinking of you and your feelings. She should stop cheating and find out why she feels the way she does. Therapy can help her explore these feelings and resolve them.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate I'm a Firefighter for the Department of Defense, I'm in Iraq right now. When I was home on R&R I went with her to the Therapist, awesome woman like you. But my wife is only telling her what she wants her to know. My wife says I have trust issues when I question her about spending so much time with her ex. I dont know anyone who is not going to have a problem with there spouse being with there ex. My wife has told me she did this because I didn't trust her, she would always say been there done that, if I wanted to be with him then I would be with him. Problem is she is with him, she is with him when ever she wants. This has been such a challenge for me, the men that I work with lives depend on me having my head in the game, and my own life. She says she wants to work it out with me, but she wont stop seeing him. I told her that if its going to work between us she has to cut ties with him all the way. She said the Therapist told her that was wrong for me to ask that of her, so thats what she tells me. At this point I just feel like I'm in the way. I love my wife and I would walk to the end of the earth for her. She tells me she feels the same love for him as she does for me. I feel like I have to get out, like I have no choice, she is with him right now, and it does not seem like it is going to stop. I'm in control of my own happyness, and this is not helping that. Thank you for your advice, and all of you please stay safe........Keith.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I agree Keith, you are right. No one spends a lot of time with an ex without there something going on. And you are correct in asking her to stop seeing him.

 

Your wife is doing a very classic head game with you. She is trying to assuage her guilt by making this about you and your trusting her so she doesn't have to change and face her own faults. She is doing very little to gain your trust and hold on to it. If she is spending time with her ex, then something is going on and you are right to suspect her. But she is trying to say it is about you. It is not. There is no reason for her to be with her ex. If she has indeed "been there done that" then she would not need to be with him, at all. She would leave him in her past. And she would make the choice to be with you.

 

Your wife is not putting your needs first, as she should be doing. Every marriage needs to have trust and the partners need to put each other first. If they do not, then the marriage breaks apart. Your wife is putting her needs before yours but you are doing as you should and putting her needs before your own. That is why you are suffering and your marriage is focused on her and her alone.

 

If you are feeling that you are in the way, then that is a sign something is wrong as well. You should not feel that you are in the way in your own marriage.

 

You can always go back to the therapist with your wife and tell her the truth of what is going on. It would be up to the therapist to sort it out and decide how you should handle it. But if your wife is not willing to change, then it may have no effect. I am sorry, but you may have little choice but to either accept that your wife will not give up her ex, or you may need to try a separation. Sometimes, separating helps the other person finally see the effects of their behavior. You may want to consider it. It may also help you to see a therapist to help you decide if this is a good move for you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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