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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
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Experience:  25 years in private practice
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Ex-boyfriend and no boundaries

Customer Question

My ex-boyfriend has no boundaries with his daughter.  She and her mother treat him like crap.  He has spoiled her too much, given her too much, and has not enforced discipline.  I feel he has loved his daughter so much, but hasn't raised her.  He refuses to hold her accountable or instill consequences.  She is now terrible, a manipulator, and very vindictive.  His daughter treats him so bad like his ex-wife use to treat him....he doesn't know how to say no to her...he doesnt set boundaries and he is always going over board to prove to her how much he loves her...he recently just moved to Arkansas from dallas, texas because his ex wife and daughter drove him nuts; however, he is still a pleaser to them and allows them to control his life. in the process it has caused him to become distant from me and not spending time with me. Recently, his daughter used the excuse that she treats him like crap because he has made me and my daughter center in his life. this is not true...his daughter has never even met me because she doesn't like to see anyone making her dad's life happy. I have tried inviting her to many functions and she has refused.  My ex-boyfriend just expressed to me that his daughter doesn't want to be around me and what do I expect him to do.  I have been with her dad for almost two years and never expected him to tell me that his daughter doesn't want to meet me or get to know my daughter and I.  I expressed my feelings of hurt with my ex-boyfriend he became very angry, mean, and broke up with me. When I expressed my concerns about him not spending time with me because he is to busy trying to prove his love to his daughter and neglecting me, he hung the phone up in my face and said some very insulting things.  He then didn't call me for two days.  I didn't call him either.  When he did call me I didn't answer my phone because I now need time to myself.  He immediatly sent me a text message that he was going to leave Arkansas and come to dallas, tx to pick up his three items from my house.  However, he stated he wasn't going to enter my home while I wasn't there.  I text him back that he was more than welcome to come get his things without me being home.  I told him I trust him and his items were not hurting me so if he needed to wait he didn't have to drive five hours away.  I told him his things would be okay.  He then text my best friend two days later and told her he didn't want to be with me anymore because I was making him choose between me and his daughter.  He told my friend that he was not the man for me and wouldn't choose me over his daughter.  I was upset that he involved my friend and sent my friend a text message to break up with me.  I never told him to choose between me and his daughter.  I told him I wanted more quality time.  I told him that he couldn't give me his left overs, I am a beautiful 29 year old single woman, that has chosen to have a long distance relationship with him because he choose to leave to Arkansas.  But I am realizing now that whenever things are not right with his ex wife or daughter he runs.  When he was going through his divorce he left his executive position with his job.  When his daughter hit him several times and refused to spend time with him, he left a new position again.  When his daughter told him all she wanted was his money he tried putting his foot down my taking the material things away and not calling her to teach her a lesson.  However, he was having anxiety attacks and depression.  When his daughter and ex-wife start playing the manipulation games he moved out of state and blamed it on he needed a new job.  Well, now that it is his daughter's senior year and ex-wife and daughter needs him regardless of the terms, once again he put me on the back burner and won't spend that much time with me.


 


I am hurt that he is using the excuse I tried to make him choose between his daughter and I.  I feel like he created this as an excuse in order to avoid from putting his foot down with his daughter.  I am hurt that he hung up in my face, he didn't call me for two days, and said some rude things to me.  I am hurt that he broke up with me via text message to my best friend and not me.  Now, he is calling and sending text messages asking, "how are you?"  At this point I don't want to talk to him.  I don't want to be his friend and I really just need time for myself.  Am I doing the right things?  My ex boyfriend has been divorced from his ex-wife for almost 4 years is he over the marriage?  He was married to her for 20 years, he and everyone I have met told me she treated him like crap the entire 20 years of marriage.  I have witnessed her treat him like crap.  Could he possibly be use to abuse?  Am I crazy. did I subconsciously make him choose between me and his daughter?  What issues do you see with me or him?  My ex-boyfriend is 44 years old and I feel he should know better.  Do you think he is still in love with his ex-wife or the idea of their family?  Should I give him another chance and if I do what should I beware of?  I feel like we have been dating for two years and he just throw me away so quickly.   I feel like he is being one sided and how much he use to say he love me, I feel was all a lie or lust.  What am I to do?

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.

Dr.Kappler :

Thank you for choosing JustAnswer! I can completely agree with your point of view in your ex-boyfriend's raising or not raising his daughter. He has given he the support and encouragement to be a narcissistic manipulative immature child. Here is the problem you and I see it but" he does not and therein lies the rub" as Shakespeare would say. Like wife like daughter seems to be his mode de entre. You need to see him as a peter pan syndrome and be able to focus your anger and concern in a meaningful way. I am amazed that he will not involve you in his daughter's life. Is he afraid to have to deal with your daughter and his at the same time? I guess the term ex-husband is the key to the problem. If I were you I would set clear boundaries and limits with him so as not to hurt your daughter and move on. He is bewitched by his ex-wife and daughter and is willing to do anything for them. It is time to have closure on this relationship and move on.You did not show any evidence that you made him choose between being your lover and a peter pan to his daughter. You need to become more protective of yourself and set some limits with him. He will continue to make it your fault that the relationship isn't working. You need to have some time for yourself and heal. I feel that you may have been right in saying that you felt his pain for what he did or didn't do but some people need some more education to see the difference between being a friend and being a father. I think your ex-boyfriend has a lot of conflicted feelings about his daughter and his ex-wife and that has nothing to do with you except that you need to set some limits on this.

Dr.Kappler :

You should be aware of any feelings of being forced or abused and act on them.

I see that you are off line. I hope this answers your question to your satisfaction. If so, please remember to click on the green accept button so that I will receive credit for my response. You may return to this answer for reference at any time after you accept.

Customer :

How do I set limits? When you say he is bewitched by them what does that exactly mean? Wow! I never thought about him being afraid in dealing with my daughter and his at the same time. I have always felt as though he was embarrassed by his daughter's behavior. Anytime I would suggest us all spending time together he would always tell me he wanted it to be he and her because he barely has gotten a chance to spend time with her, or he would appear to be very uncomfortable. I have never met her formerly, I have only met her at two of her basketball games and one time when he was dropping off money to her. It wasn't until two weeks ago that he told me she didn't want to be around me and what did I expect him to do. I told him I expected him to be a man and let his daughter know that she has nothing to do with his relationship and who he is with as long as I am not hurting or abusing him or her. I then told him we have almost being together for two years and at some point we were going to have to meet. He then told me we are not at that point. What is a peter pan syndrome. Thanks....really great advice.

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