Hello, I am here for you and am very sorry to hear that you are so angry. Did your step-mother abuse you?
Yes, but I don't think she knew she was doing it. When ever I had a problem she always turned the issue into a "whose fault is that" session. For example I have crohn's disease and for years I was in the throws of prednisone addiction and flare-ups. A girl friend of mine got pregnant and had an abortion. I couldn't stop her as it wasn't my body and I was very ill at the time. When I told my step-mother, she turned it around and made it about her and how offended she was that I even brought it up! I NEEDED SOLACE!! THAT WAS MY CHILD!! But I got none from her. My mother.. I can't even guess as to what she would have said, but it wouldn't have been that.
I am so very sorry. You step-mother sounds like a narcissist. Is she still living?
Are you still there?
Yes and still married to my father. I have two younger sisters also who were raised by her but we don't see her anymore. When the family gets together it's just my father and the three of us. She pissed off my sisters also and she was more their mother than our mother was as they were three and on when she died.
What do you remember about your mother?
She was very beautiful, intelligent, kind, but she suffered from depression and she would now be diagnosed as bi-polar. In fact I noticed something was up with her eight years before she died and my father, when I asked him recently, said he hadn't noticed any change in her behavior which I found a little odd, but that was over 40 years ago and he is 82 now(still sharp though).
She sounds lovely. How did she die?
She was in a mental institution, checked herself out, went back home to Baltimore on her own and started over. She fell one night and hit her head on the corner of a table in a bar(I think) but didn't go to the hospital. She had a fatal brain hemorage.
How tragic; I am so very sorry. Do you realize that you are letting the negative mothering of your step-mother overshadow the loving nurture of your mother? All women are not like your step-mother, many are like your late mother. You must know this, don't you?
Have I lost you?
Yes I do but I'm having trouble seeing it. You must understand something else. I'm so sensitive I can read others thoughts sometimes or let me put it this way, I can feel others thoughts sometimes. It depends on the person. The last woman I was with did a real number on me. We were REALLY in tune at the beginning. I let my guard down completely and I could read her very easily especially during and after sex. In fact there was one women I made love to that after our one sexual encounter I knew what she was thinking whether I wanted to or not. It scared me a little at first but that's the way I'm wired. So now that I've finally accepted this gift I see what truly lies in each person's inner being. You're thinking " Oh brother, a nut ball." But it's true. I've had over fifty years of these experiences and no one to understand them. Not even my female partners. My younger sister does, however as she is the same way only properly adjusted to life as she just got married this past July. She is a lot like my mother. In fact both my sisters are.
No, I don't think you are a nut ball!! The gifts you are describing are those of intuition, being in tune with the unconscious; actually many psychotherapists have this gift. It usually occurs in children who have been emotionally abused.
What type of therapist are you scheduled to see?
Wow!! I grew up with tough love but I never thought of it as abuse. Both of my parents are college grads in the forties! That was rare for blacks then. They were way ahead of their time. My mother's best friend was married to Haliegh Slassi's interpreter. I never met the Emperer but we did visit them several times when I was an only child. My siblings are 9 and 12 years younger than I am.
Intelligence has nothing to do with emotion. Extremely intelligent people are abusers.
What you described with your step-mother is most certainly emotional abuse.
I see a psychologist weekly but I'm seeing someone who can prescribe a mood stabilizer in Nov. It's a Nurse-practitioner.
Yes it is. I know that now.
In fact the last woman I was with(in hind-sight) had many of the same characteristics.
Have you been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder?
Mild bi-polar dis-order. But that doesn't seem to cover it right now.
And she was ABUSED!! MY GOD THE STORIES SHE TOLD ME!!!
Okay, I am going to be very honest with you. You need to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment (if necessary). No nurse practitioner should be prescribing psychotropic medications!
How long have you been seeing the psychologist?
About three years off and on due to my life movements. I left the state where I started with her(yes I chose a woman) and came back so I could continue.
Good, the two of you must have a good therpeudic relationship and you must trust her with your feelings.
She gave me the number of a psychiatrist but he wasn't taking any new patients. This is his nurse-practitioner so I think he will be consulted by the N.P.
Yes we do. I trust her.
Oh, I see, then that will okay. And how long before your appt with your psychologist?
I see her every Thurs.
So you will see her this coming Thursday?
Think you can hang on til then and not blow up at work?
I sit in an office mostly by myself all day three days a week. I had to stop driving(cab 60 hrs. a week) as I melted down behind the wheel. I think so.
Try thinking of it this way. Everytime you get angry, you are giving power to your evil step-mother. Everytime you pause and think before getting angry and think of what your mother would want you to do in this particular situation, you will be giving power to her and honoring her memory. Think you can do this?
I've tried it many times. It calms me some but that wound is deep. It's abandonment. Even if for her own survival that hurts. And I know it wasn't intentional. But for her to die and be replaced by "Bruhnhilda the witch" was even harder. I buried that a long time and I can't do it well anymore. I'm tired.
Well, you definitely need to get back into therapy with you psychologists. It's okay to be angry with your mother for abandoning you, but by working through this in therapy, you won't have to stay stuck in that anger. Any further questions for me tonight?
I can still see my mother in her coffin like it was yesterday.
So you have PTSD from that trauma.
I guess so. Now I'm crying.
Crying is actually a good thing, tears are very healing.
I know but i didn't cry when i walked up to it. I just stood there.
That's because your were in shock.
That's the first time I've cried over that image. Maybe that's good. I just buried that memory as best I could. A great-aunt pulled me away protesting as I went because I didn't want to leave my mother.
WOW!! Well you have just had a major psychological break through!
I think you're the second person I've told that to.
Well, I am very moved and very honored.
Are you okay?
So far you've been a great help. I've been having a bad couple of days, well weeks actually, in private when I can let my guard down. I have deep contemplations in the mornings and sometimes they end in tears.
I will be.
I know you will be. Anything further for me?
I've never asked for this much help before. I was taught to "suck-it-up". My father is very calm, but he is understanding in his scientific manor. He was a chemist.
I think that you've done enough tonight and thank you.
So this was a huge step for you, wasn't it?
Yes. I need to make more, but that will come will the "peeling of the onion". Ironically the last woman I was with despite her issues pointed me in this direction and used that phrase. Thank you and Good Night.