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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am looking for some advice, Im going to give you some info

Resolved Question:

I am looking for some advice, Im going to give you some info about the past to me wanting some advice first...I found out my husband had cheated on last yr, we seprated for a little over a month and he decided that he wanted to make it work. We have been back together since Dec, I could not ask for a better man now. He talks to me about anything, communcation was something we lacked before he was never one to talk about his feelings or if I try to talk to him he never really wanted to listen. That is the most imporvement he has made, if there is something he wants to talk about he sits me down and does so, and same for me as well. He is back deployed he been gone since March of this yr. Our communcation is maybe a phone call once a month, but we email almost everyday. If there is something I want to talk to him about or anything he always listens and gives me postive feedback to help. Now the issue is and Im not sure if I should ask him about it... I have been thinking about what kind of sex life him and those girls had. I guess I just want to know, for the simple reason, what it was like, were they wild or whatever you get what Im saying. Well why it started about what did he think about ours and we both agree we have an average sex life, we have to kids ones 7 other is 2 so things that were done yrs ago have baasically been not done in along time, having kids can change that. I agree with him. Im a pretty average girl I dont do crazy things in the bedroom, but now I question myself in if I should and all that being that he was with the other girls. So now Im wanting to know wht sex was like with them...Should I be asking him this? With me asking him this is it going to want him to go back to the girls or to that life? I kinda asked him about it in a round about way and he said he didnt like talking about them. But if it bothered me that much he would answer it for me. But now Im 2nd quessing myself, do I need to know this and once I do would it be worse on me or better?? Sorry for this beeing so long
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


It sounds like your husband has made a big change and is concentrating on repairing your marriage with you. That is wonderful. But it is very understandable that you still feel concerned about the affair(s) he had.

 

When a spouse has an affair, it can cause a number of strong feelings to surface. Anger, sadness and jealousy are common. It also is a blow to your self esteem. Your husband has picked someone over you. You want to know what they have that you don't. It is not unusual to feel this way when your self esteem has been damaged.

 

Also, your husband went outside of your marriage and brought someone between you that did not belong. So you are curious about who they are and what they are about. This is also a very natural response.

 

It is ok to ask your husband for details about what happened. And if he is willing to oblige you, that shows he cares about you. Honesty and openness are the two most important parts of recovery from infidelity. But before you consider talking to him about how you feel, think about how the information is going to affect you. What will you do with it? How will it affect how you feel about yourself and your sex life with your husband? How will it affect your self esteem? Hearing about the other women usually will make you feel worse, unless you have support to help you sort through it. But if you are feeling distressed by it and need to feel closure, it is ok to ask. Just be sure to have someone you can talk to to help you sort out how you feel.

 

You asking these questions will not make your husband want to go back. He was not cheating because of the sex, he was cheating because there was something in him that he was not dealing with. But it sounds like whatever made him choose cheating over working out his problems has been dealt with.

 

The best way to help yourself through this is to get support and learn more about the effects of infidelity. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

 

http://www.marriagetoday.com/

 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

 

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald M.S.- for your husband

 

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage by Steven Solomon and Lorie Teagno

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

If you feel too overwhelmed to deal with how you feel, consider short term counseling or an on line support group. They will provide support and guidance until you feel healed. You can also talk with someone here on JA on an ongoing basis. Experts sometimes work with people to help them resolve a specific issue. You can either continue a thread you start with an Expert, or request a specific person.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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