Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It is very common for someone who grew up with violence to have the same types of relationships when they are an adult. Part of this is because there is a comfort zone with what the person is used to. The other part is because of low self esteem and the idea that once you are a victim, you deserve to continue to be a victim.
Children are very impressionable. And when they are raised with violence, they take in what they see and how they are treated. Their self imagine is derived from the environment around them so if they see violence and are exposed to neglect and abuse, they learn they are not worthy of love and care. And the child carries that with them into adulthood, looking for the same types of relationships that confirm who they feel they are.
The best way to break the cycle is to learn how you should have been treated. Challenging all you were taught as a child and relearning what love and care feels like is not easy but it changes your outlook and therefore how you see relationships. Also, increasing your self esteem is very important. Seeing yourself as worthy and deserving of love and attention goes a long way in helping you pick better partners.
Here are some resources that can help you get started:
Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused by Steven Farmer
An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' by John C. Friel Ph.D. and Linda D. Friel M.A.
Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Edward S. Kubany, Mari A. McCaig and Janet R. Laconsay
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
Are you having trouble seeing my answer?
Individual counseling one on one with a therapist should be helpful. A Master's level therapist or a Ph.D level therapist is what to look for (M.Ed, MA, MSW/LSW, or Ph.D). Someone who has experience treating abuse victims is helpful, but not needed. What you want is someone you can feel comfortable with. If you do not feel safe and comfortable, then seek another therapist.
Doing some minor research can increase your chances of finding someone you feel comfortable with. Talk to your doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/. the therapists on this site list what they specialize in and what type of therapy they offer.
It may also be helpful to you to consider self help groups. There are a number of groups on line so you can remain private yet get support and answers you need to recover. The links I gave you have groups listed.