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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5762
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am a recent victiom of Domestic Violence and I am looking

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I am a recent victiom of Domestic Violence and I am looking for some counsling cause after calming down and looking at the situation I can see where I need some help my self. I grew up with violence and have had violence in almost all of my relationships. When the relationship is going good. I have to create some kinda drama to get it back into my comfort zone. What is wrong with me? How can I fix this so I dont keep hurting my self my son and the person I am with that I love so much?

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


It is very common for someone who grew up with violence to have the same types of relationships when they are an adult. Part of this is because there is a comfort zone with what the person is used to. The other part is because of low self esteem and the idea that once you are a victim, you deserve to continue to be a victim.


Children are very impressionable. And when they are raised with violence, they take in what they see and how they are treated. Their self imagine is derived from the environment around them so if they see violence and are exposed to neglect and abuse, they learn they are not worthy of love and care. And the child carries that with them into adulthood, looking for the same types of relationships that confirm who they feel they are.


The best way to break the cycle is to learn how you should have been treated. Challenging all you were taught as a child and relearning what love and care feels like is not easy but it changes your outlook and therefore how you see relationships. Also, increasing your self esteem is very important. Seeing yourself as worthy and deserving of love and attention goes a long way in helping you pick better partners.


Here are some resources that can help you get started:


Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused by Steven Farmer


An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' by John C. Friel Ph.D. and Linda D. Friel M.A.


Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Edward S. Kubany, Mari A. McCaig and Janet R. Laconsay


You can find these books on or your local library may have them for you.

I hope this has helped you,

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I didn't get a chance to read it this window poped up before i got to read it

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Kate: What kind of counsling should I look into to help with my situation? I know I need to break this cycle and get my self asteam back. But I dont even know where to start and there is things about my child hood that I have not shared with anyone

Individual counseling one on one with a therapist should be helpful. A Master's level therapist or a Ph.D level therapist is what to look for (M.Ed, MA, MSW/LSW, or Ph.D). Someone who has experience treating abuse victims is helpful, but not needed. What you want is someone you can feel comfortable with. If you do not feel safe and comfortable, then seek another therapist.


Doing some minor research can increase your chances of finding someone you feel comfortable with. Talk to your doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at the therapists on this site list what they specialize in and what type of therapy they offer.


It may also be helpful to you to consider self help groups. There are a number of groups on line so you can remain private yet get support and answers you need to recover. The links I gave you have groups listed.



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