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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5518
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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6 years ago my husband decided to tell me of an affair that

Resolved Question:

6 years ago my husband decided to tell me of an affair that he had several years prior. 2 years ago he turned 50 and wanted to organize a class reunion at a park near us. He sent out invitations via email and on our class website and put his cell phone # XXXXX for people to call him to rsvp and with any questions. Since that time he has repeatedly emailed, talked and texted 4-5 women from his class. I have been incorporated into his friendship with these women. I also have repeatedly told him to stop emailing them, texting them etc, since it makes me uncomfortable. He stops for a awhile and then continues. Most of them are married. He continues to get upset with me stating "There's nothing going on!" Should I just give up and look the other way? Can I call these women and say something to them?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Your situation sounded ok until you got to the part about your husband refusing to go to counseling. The fact that he is refusing to deal with this issue and he is aware that it bothers you is a red flag.

 

It sounds like you may have not regained any trust in your husband after the original affair. It takes a while to build trust back up and that may be contributing to your feelings about these women who are communicating with your husband and his refusal to stop.

 

Because your husband includes you in his friendship with these women does mean something. It means that he wants it clear to them that he is married and by making you known to them, it may stop any questionable behavior. But that premise must be backed up with trust. And if you do not trust your husband, then you are going to be suspicious no matter what.

 

Has your husband acted in a trustworthy manner since the affair? Has he accounted for his whereabouts, been available to you when you needed him and been where he said he was going to be? Has he allowed you to talk about the affair when you needed to and has he accepted responsibility for it? Those are all good signs that he cares about you and wants to repair your relationship.

 

The best option in your situation is to tell your husband that you still feel bothered about his prior behavior with the affair. Let him know you need the help of your counselor but also his assistance to deal with your feelings about trust, especially with the current situation. If you ask for his help, most men will respond to that. If he still won't go, you may want to tell him that your past trust issues are making it hard for you to be ok with the current situation and you need him to either stop or go to counseling with you. He needs to make a choice here between his need to talk to these women and your feelings.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He has been trustworthy for the most part, the only thing that really bothers me know is this texting and emailing of these women. It was our 30th anniversary this past weekend and he was really great. I have mixed emotions with myself because of how he has been, but I feel like this is alsmost a deal breaker if he can't respect me and stop. I can look inot our cellphone acct and see who he is texting and who is texting him. This morning I saw that the one woman who is married texted him @ 1015 pm last nite. To me that's just inappropriate, and I can't for it
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps.

 

Yes, it is inappropriate for these women to text and email continuously. There needs to be a limit. It is also inappropriate if he is not talking with any men either.

 

Talk to your husband about setting limits or stopping the behavior totally. This needs addressed now so you feel respected.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5518
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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