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TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5762
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am really looking for help on a question that might be posed

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I am really looking for help on a question that might be posed to a school guidance councillor etc.
My husband is the coach of a girls volleyball team on which our daughter plays as well. they are 15 year old girls. Their former coach ( a very knowlegeable ex-university player) use to coach them but didnt have the time last year to put in so my husband took the team for him.. with him still having some involvement. this other coaches background - married, 3 children and an elementary gym teacher - who played university ball
There are twin girls on our team who's parents are divorced ( messy) they dont see their mother and their father works offshore so he is gone 3 weeks on 3 weeks off - they are reaised by a nanny while their parestn are gone. This former coach is very comfortable with alot of the girls on the team. shoulder massaging, chatting with them on road trips in his hotel room etc. a few parents have voiced concerns just amongst ourselves about the level of comfort some of the girls have. Now this past summer it has come to my attention that the twin girls have been spending time off court with this ex-coach - taking them for icecream, movies, buying them birthday gifts and even texting them on their phones during the day at school now. I have NOT seen anything inappropriately said nor do I feel that there is anything 'going on" a such, but people are now gossiping about these poor girls - I cant believe he is putting his professional reputation in a position where it can be questioned to the extent it might be.
He is kind man, and I know he genuinely cares about the team since he coached them for a few years prior to my husband taking over - and as I said its not that we believe there is anything illegal going on.. im just concerned that the situation is not healthy and unsure as to what to do about it. another mom ( friend of mine) emailed the twins parents a few weeks ago just to make them aware of her concerns and just to see if they knew their daughters were spending this kind of time with a teacher... but she got no response ( unsure if they recieved the email or not at this point) this coach is now wanting to help my husband coach the girls this year again and my husband is arguing that it should be a female assistant coach NOT another male coach. Im not sure the protocol on what we should be doing or if its any of our business at all ? advice from someone outside the situation would help me a great deal. I dont want to stir up a pot of trouble for people if this is nothing to be concerned about ... I know if it were my daughter texting a teacher on a friday night I would be VERY upset!!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question. I am not a school counselor but a Master's level Mental Health Counselor. Is that ok? I do not think JA has any school counselor's available at this time to answer your question.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.

yes thats ok


Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

It is very unusual for an adult male to show that kind of interest in young underage girls. Most men understand that attention like this coach is showing is going over the line. Consider the other fathers in the group, they are not acting like this man. So he stands out in his behavior. Touching, buying gifts and befriending are all tools pedophiles use to "groom" their victims.


It is also very telling that so many parents are expressing concerns. If all of these adults are noticing, then something is wrong.


Many people who abuse younger children are charming and very easy to get along with. They make themselves that way so it is easier to gain access to children. The adults are caught off guard because the perpetrator was so kind and caring.


Also, this coach is targeting the most vulnerable of children among you- the two girls from a broken family with no caregivers in sight.


There is definitely enough here to be very suspicious and to report this man's behavior. If the volleyball team is through the school, then talk with the school counselor and/or principal. As many parents as possible should report what they have seen and when (keeping track of any out of the ordinary behavior such as gifts, taking girls somewhere alone especially hotel rooms, etc helps. Note the date and time). Also, the local police can be notified. You may not have solid evidence, but getting advice from the police on what to do is helpful. You may also be able to file a report. Ask if your local Children and Youth services should be notified as well.


I hope this helps you,


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I live in a very small town .. can I report such things without my name being involved? My daughter has to go to this school and I do not want her to get any backlash because I was part of this..
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Yes, you can report anonymously to the Children services. Try that avenue first. They will be able to tell you the next step.



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