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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Me and my fiance have separated. This is the first relationship

Resolved Question:

Me and my fiance have separated.

This is the first relationship i've ever had and i'm completely sure that this will be the only one, i love her with all my heart and i'm ready to marry her.

The problem is that i suffer from such immense jealousy. We have a long distance relationship and ever since she started going to university i've been obsessed with her more than usual, especially how she interacts with her classmates, at least one of whom i know has flirted with her.

Over the last weekend she went to a camp and i just went crazy about her, the entire time she was away i couldn't stop thinking about her. The more i thought the more i started to get angry and even begin to hate her. Its culminated now to the point where we've actually taken a break from one another.

I have to get over this jealousy, my future depends on it.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Jealousy is a painful and frustrating feeling that is hard to control. It often is used as a way of controlling another person. It is also destructive, as you are experiencing with your relationship.

 

The key to resolving your problem is to realize that jealousy is not about keeping track of what your girlfriend is doing and if she will cheat on you. It is about how insecure you feel as a person. Being insecure, you naturally assume that your girlfriend will not love you and she will hurt you in some way. This leads you to try to control her, to keep track of her and to overly express your feelings to her. It also can escalate to the point that you blame her for making you feel this way.

 

One of the first steps in resolving your feelings is to recognize your feelings of insecurity. Then takes steps to address it. Work on learning more about how to pay attention to who you really are and working to feel more confident. Also, realizing that self esteem is about feeling you are worthy and not allowing your worth to be determined by others is a big step in recovery.

 

Talk to your girlfriend about working on this issue. Tell her that you are actively seeking ways to improve how you feel and stop letting this interfere with your relationship. Ask her to help you. Here are some resources you both can use:

 

http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/writings-insecurity.htm

 

Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malakh-Pines

 

Life Without Jealousy: A Practical Guide (10-Step Empowerment Series) by Lynda Bevan

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Once your girlfriend realizes that you are taking steps to improve your problem, she will feel better about your relationship.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your reply, but there is one more thing i would like some advice on.

While my fiance was at the camp she went to a 'prom' like thing. I had asked her not to drink while there, but when she got back she told that she had had alcohol in spite of that.

It makes me feel so angry that she would do that, how can i talk to her about it?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I think that is also about your feelings of insecurity and control. Asking her not to drink is a form of control. Talking to her about it any further is only going to damage your relationship even worse. She wants to be free to be herself and she cannot do that if you are trying to control her behavior.

 

This is about how you feel and not about her. That is why you feel so angry and betrayed. You feel her drinking went against your ability to control her. She is a person and no one person can control another. Drinking alcohol is not an unusual behavior for an adult to do. It may be that she felt controlled and that is why she did not listen to you and why the relationship is now in trouble.

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Today i found out that my fiance didn't drink, but she only told me she had to test how well i knew her since she has said before that she doesn't like alcohol.

I feel so frustrated, i trusted her enough to believe what she was saying to me but she's angry that i didn't know that she was lying.

What can i do?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

This is a very confusing way to communicate. Testing you to see if you can tell if she is lying is playing a game with your feelings. If your girlfriend intends on communicating with you like this, it is going to cause a lot of problems in your relationship.

 

To handle this problem, you and your girlfriend need to decide on being open and honest with each other. This may not come easy since there seems to be a history of suspicion and mistrust between you both. But by addressing this behavior now, you can move ahead with a better relationship.

 

There are different ways you can approach this problem. One, you can consider counseling. Since you mentioned that the two of you intend to marry, then counseling becomes even more important so you can deal with this problem before you are together permanently.

 

You can also work on this problem at home. Before you start, it is important that you have some guidance on what is right and what is wrong. Therefore, educating yourselves through books and on line sources is vital. Here are some resources to get you started:

 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/5-communication-pitfalls-and-pointers-for-couples/

 

Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson

 

Why Can't You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns that Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee

 

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg

 

As long as you both want to improve this situation, you will be successful.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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