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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate, I do not feel safe and am continously looking over

Resolved Question:

Kate,

I do not feel safe and am continously looking over my shoulder. The person who did this to me is out free as there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick.

I feel huge amounts of guilt about what happened. However, I thought I took every precaution I could. I was at a University library. When I left I asked for Safe Walk (it`s when you get a security person to walk you to your car). It was only dusk out not dark. I had my cell phone and car keys out.

I did all this because I was being stalked and harassed for weeks before the attack. Some really sick and ugly things were being left for me. It constantly left me on edge.

However, I did not know that my attacker would be hiding in the back seat of my car. By the time I did know, it was too late and he was holding a knife on my side. Everything was a blur after that.

The one thing I remember once he told me to get out of the car was wishing he would kill me. I was in pain from what he was doing to me. It was horrific. I feel so embarrassed about it. I can barely think about it, let alone talk about it. I tried to pretend I wasn`t there but unfortunately I wasn`t able to do this the entire time.

I really don`t think that I will ever be able to have what is perceived as a normal relationship with anybody. I feel ugly and sort of like a piece of used goods. These feelings make me feel very sad and cheated.

After reading the letter, I really did not talk about the intense feelings that came with doing so. This has made me feel very confused and overwhelmed. I can`t seem to cope with them. This is why I still wish he had killed me at the time now.

As for the groups, I think you sent me a link some time ago but it wasn`t for me. There were not enough people in the groups for it to work. I guess I can see if I can find a different one. Thanks for all the suggestions. I really appreciate it.

I guess I just don`t feel worthwhile. My daughter would miss me if I was gone but to other people I think they would be relieved they don`t have to deal with me.

Kathy
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Kathy, your feelings about your attack are very common to someone who has PTSD from such an event. There are strong feelings of guilt, shame and self blame. Depression and suicidal feelings are common as well. You are not alone in how you feel. But it is important that you not only realize that, but that you try to seek others who feel the same way. Connecting and sharing will help you.

 

I know this is hard. It is easier to stand in place and not move forward. Moving forward is painful, scary and hard. But standing in place allows your attacker to win. And allowing him to win is giving him all of your power, which he does not have a right to have.

 

Seeking help does not have to be an all at once deal. It can be slow, at your own pace. You can choose what you feel helps. I can only make suggestions. It is up to you to choose how you want to progress and what works. But treatment can help you restore your balance by challenging the distorted thoughts the PTSD causes. Slowly going through your symptoms and working to identify the ones that are harmful and replacing them with hope and self confidence.

 

Therapy, self help books and groups and support all help to conquer the feelings you have from the attack. All you need to do is choose. You have the support to start through your therapist. And I am here as well. We both want the best for you. But you have to decide how effective we are allowed to be.

 

Kate

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