I do not feel safe and am continously looking over my shoulder. The person who did
this to me is out free as there was not enough evidence to make the charges stick.
I feel huge amounts of guilt about what happened. However, I thought I took every precaution I could. I was at a University library. When I left I asked for Safe Walk (it`s when you get a security person to walk you to your car). It was only dusk out not dark. I had my cell phone and car keys out.
I did all this because I was being stalked and harassed for weeks before the attack. Some really sick and ugly things were being left for me. It constantly left me on edge.
However, I did not know that my attacker would be hiding in the back seat of my car. By the time I did know, it was too late and he was holding a knife on my side. Everything was a blur after that.
The one thing I remember once he told me to get out of the car was wishing he would kill me. I was in pain from what he was doing to me. It was horrific. I feel so embarrassed about it. I can barely think about it, let alone talk about it. I tried to pretend I wasn`t there but unfortunately I wasn`t able to do this the entire time.
I really don`t think that I will ever be able to have what is perceived as a normal relationship with anybody. I feel ugly and sort of like a piece of used goods. These feelings make me feel very sad
After reading the letter, I really did not talk about the intense feelings that came with doing so. This has made me feel very confused and overwhelmed. I can`t seem to cope with them. This is why I still wish he had killed me at the time now.
As for the groups, I think you sent me a link some time ago but it wasn`t for me. There were not enough people in the groups for it to work. I guess I can see if I can find a different one. Thanks for all the suggestions. I really appreciate it.
I guess I just don`t feel worthwhile. My daughter would miss me if I was gone but to other people I think they would be relieved they don`t have to deal with me.