I had a rough time again with my therapist. She really is very good but I am going through such a stressful and anxious time right now that any change to my schedule with her, I find very upsetting and frankly feel rather immature in my inability to keep it together over such small incidents.
Today she was sick but kept our appt. However, right at the start she told met hat she had to end early with me because she had to go see her doctor. This is fine and it happens. But I would have liked to hae known about it ahead of time. Perhaps we could have rescheduled as she told me at the end that she had 2 p.m. today available (I went in the morning).
Plus in my opinion (not her's), we wasted the time we did
have with her telling me that I had to stop taking morphine (I take it for bulging discs plus yet to be diagnosed abdominal pain) as a way to cope. I am taking it in the morning after I drop my daugther off at school. Then I go home take, put on my pajama's and sleep until I have to pick her up. She says I have to stop this and at least try to have some type of schedule even if I start small. For instance, going to a bookstore for 15 minutes a day to get out of the house. She says I am becoming addicted to the morphine (I get it from my GP) and by continuing, I am just making myself more and more tired and unmotivated.
I, myself did not want to talk about this. I want to sleep all day long. I don't want to deal with my life. Sometimes, well actually most days it is just too much to handle. I have too much time to think about what I've been through.
I tried really hard not to cut. My therapist says I have to stop resorting to this. She'll probably be annoyed if I tell her I did this. But I had no other outlet for my feelings. I had things I needed to talk about today but wasn't able to. She did give me an appt. for Monday though.
But all I see right now is a long weekend ahead of me. I don't want to face it. I just want to sleep.
The only I seem to do well is take good care of my daughter. She only sees the pretend me...the happy me.
I took one of my Clonazapam's to calm down but I wish I could take more. Or the morphine b/c it makes me so sleepy.
Do you have any suggestions that may help me? I'm sorry that I seem to need help dealing with myself and my intense feelings. But I don't know what else to do.