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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been married for 10years and have never really had a

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I have been married for 10years and have never really had a reason to not trust my wife. recently she was sick for over a week. her stomach was messed up and she couldnt eat. knowing my wife i knew it was stress but she denied it saying it was the flu. finally one morning she breaks down crying and tells me she has been so sick because she has been thinking about another man and is attracted to him. I asked who and she would only tell me it was a mexican cook at the resteraunt she works at. she says he can hardly speak english and is not legal so she asked that i not start any problems w him so he didnt get in trouble. now that she has told me this i asked what her plan was. she says she wants to stay w me and that there is nothing between her and him. she continues to work there around him and has made no real attempt to get another job. since this has came to light i am going nuts. i over think everything and feel that she is going to leave me. i have a million questions and what ifs going through my head at all times. things are not the same between us. what should i do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It is good that your wife admitted her attraction to this other man. But she needs to do more. She has broken the trust in your marriage. Trust is the foundation of a marriage and if you cannot trust your wife, your marriage is probably not going to survive.

 

In order to regain your trust, your wife needs to start addressing her infidelity (even if she did not sleep with this man, emotional feelings for someone outside of marriage is infidelity). Your wife should start by being honest with you. You have a right to ask any question about the situation and have it answered. She brought another person into your relationship and you have a right to know what happened and how far this has gone.

 

Your wife should also start looking for a new job. It may not be easy in this economy, but just her effort shows you that she cares about your marriage.

 

She needs to stop all contact with this man. That means no phone calls, texting, Facebook or other contact.

 

Often, the person being cheated on is blamed for not providing something the cheater feels they needed. But the affair cannot be blamed on you. A wife or husband is allowed to feel upset by something their partner is doing, but having an affair is never the answer. It always makes things worse. Problems in a marriage need addressed between the couple themselves, not by bringing in outsiders.

You both need to see a counselor together. Therapy can help you find out why this occurred in your marriage and fix it. To find a counselor, either you or your wife can ask your doctors for referrals. If you attend church, you can talk to your pastor. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

You can also work on your marriage through self help. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

 

http://www.marriagetoday.com/

 

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

 

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria Harris

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

 

If you find your answer helpful, please click the green ACCEPT button. I am not paid for my work unless you accept. Thank you!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
the suggestions for what she should do are things i have already asked of her. she tells me she is looking for a job. she did have an interview but chose to turn the job down because it was not enough money. she says she has cut off contact w this guy but how do i really know if thats true? i have expressed my feelings in as many ways as i can but the sense i get from her is that im annoying her w this. my question is what can i do? i understand i cant force her to restore our marrage. i wouldnt want to. but im going crazy w the fact i cant trust her now and i dont know whats going on w her.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

If she is not willing to cooperate and do the things necessary to restore your marriage, then you need to decide if you can live with her choices. She should not be responding with annoyance when you talk to her about it. She should also have taken the job offer even if it is less money because your marriage is more important.

 

You really do not know it is true if she has cut off contact with this man because she is not acting in a way that lets you trust what she says. She is also not putting your marriage first.

 

She has made the situation unsolvable without her cooperation. You will not feel settled about this unless she agrees to repair your marriage. You are right, there is no way to force her. You may want to consider a separation to give her time to think about what she wants. It will also give you time to seek counseling so you can decide what to do. You need support right now to help you come to terms with what your wife is doing.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.