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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My fiance is bisexual. She wants to marry me and have a family

Resolved Question:

My fiance is bisexual. She wants to marry me and have a family with me. She is also comfortable having sex with me if she is in the right mood. The concern is she has admitted to me that she finds the male anatomy disgusting. She has had severe sexual trauma in the past from men both family and others. She is not comfortable around me unless i have at least boxers on, is not comfortable taking a shower with me etc. She says that having sex is different the just seeing a naked male. Is this issues from her past, is she actaully a lesbian but is just with me because of love or is this a condition that can actually not be a problem? I love her and am willing to support her in any aspect. I just want to make sure she gets the support she needs and does not enter a marriage that may not be what she really needs. Thanks.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

This is about issues from her past. Your fiancee is traumatized from the abuse she suffered. Seeing male anatomy reminds her of what she went through and she has trouble facing how she feels so she is repulsed. This is not about you personally, just her feelings in general. It may also be why she finds being bi sexual appealing. To her, sex with a female is not traumatizing and most likely makes her feel comforted.

 

It sounds like your fiancee loves you. But by being with you, she is reminded of her trauma so she tries to work around it so she can be with you. This includes asking you to wear at underwear when you are near her so she does not have to face triggering her trauma.

 

Your fiancee may have PTSD from what she has gone through. Avoiding reminders of trauma is a symptom of PTSD. It is very common that survivors of abuse suffer from symptoms of PTSD, often for years. Is your fiancee in therapy? If not, she would benefit from seeing a therapist to help her overcome her trauma and be able to express her feelings with you. To find a therapist, she can ask her doctor for a referral. Or she can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

She can also work on her issues at home. There are numerous resources to help her. Here are some to get her started:

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm

 

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Revised Edition) by Wendy Maltz

 

The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dan B Allender Ph.D. and Dan B. Allender

 

The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.


I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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