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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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I am a female and I have been married for seven years and have

Customer Question

I am a female and I have been married for seven years and have two young children. I have had thoughts and fantasies about other women ever since before I was married. I have never acted on these thoughts until recently when I found a young women on a web site and have been corresponding with her regularly on-line and by phone. I have never met her in person - only seen pictures. My husband and I have been having problems and when I told him of my actions he was angry and we both discussed a divorce. We have not taken any action yet and he continues to live with us but we have no sexual contact. He is unemployed and feeling really low about himself. Our situation is a real mess and we don't know the right path to take which will benefit all of us. I am torn between establishing a relationship with this woman or staying with my husband and not acting on my feelings.. My mom and dad are very confused and upset about my revelations, but they will help in any way they can. Any suggestions you may have will really help me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 5 years ago.

Luann :

Hello

Luann :

Before you make any relationship decisions you need to focus on you. Right now you are unhappy and confused, not a good place to be making decisions. I encourage you to get into therapy to figure out who you are. Work on developing a solid sense of identity where you are clear about your not only your relationship preferences but your values and priorities in life. Ask your husband to give you three months to work in therapy. Tell your woman friend that you need time to focus on you and have no contact for three months. Put the total focus on you, what you want and need out of life. You deserve to devote this time to something so important - your well being.

Customer:

Thank you for you response. This is a very difficult time for me and I'm sure stress is playing a part. I am a full-time teacher who is supporting her family 100% financially and trying to be a good mother (which I am). Do you think the therapy should involve both my husband and myself or just me? Do you see any problem with my husband remaining in our home to help with the children and home upkeep, etc. He is also confused and seems to be unhappy.

Luann :

You should get involved in therapy just for yourself to start with. Maybe down the road it would be helpful for you and your husband to see someone but work on your issues first. Your husband would probably benefit from having his own therapist right now too as you said he is confused and unhappy too. I think the two of you should come to some agreements about the next three months of your lives. I don't see any problem with him remaining in your home but you need to be on the same page. Agree to put any major decision making on hold for three months, agree upon what kinds of things you will or won't do together, parenting, household tasks, etc. If you need help find a marriage therapist that could help you negotiate these issues.

Customer:

Can you recommend the type of therapist I should see? A psychologist, psychiatrist or a family/marriage therapist?

Luann :

I would recommend a therapist/counselor/psychologist that has experience working with women and women's issues. A psychologist is usually a person with a PhD in psychology, while a therapist/counselor is usually someone with a master's degree in counseling, psychology, social work or marriage & family therapy. I would not get too hung up on the degree, just make sure that they are licensed and have experience. How comfortable you feel with the person is of the utmost importance. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and usually focuses on medication issues not therapy.

Customer:

Thank you very much. You have been very helpful!

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