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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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Why do I do things that emotionally hurt a person I love and

Resolved Question:

Why do I do things that emotionally hurt a person I love and don't want to hurt?  I love her and fear losing her and don't want to hurt her in any way.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 5 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Let me see if I can help here....

AgapeDoc :

OK.... I have read you post through and considered your question and I think I can provide some clarity.

AgapeDoc :

It is my goal to answer your question and exceed your expectations. If you are satisfied with my efforts, will you click on the green accept button?

AgapeDoc :

OK..... It seem that you are offline. Let me see if I can go ahead and answer your question with what you have posted so far....

AgapeDoc :

As difficult as your situation is - and I know your situation is difficult and you (and your loved one) are really hurting, this is not the first time I have had clients in this or a very similar situation seek help. So I hope you can at least find a little comfort in knowing that you are not alone.....Your question is a good one. It is clear and concise which helps me tremendously :)

Customer:

I fear losing her so much. Is this fear causing me to say something that emotionally hurts her about once a month? She knows that I love her and wants me in her life but I can't continue to hurt her. It is tearing me apart.

AgapeDoc :

I can answer your question with a high amount of confidence, however I am also going to be completely honest and tell you that the answer that I (or anyone in this forum) can give you will not completely solve the problem :(

AgapeDoc :

However, along with answering your question, I can also tell you the next steps to take to save your relationship and avoid losing her. Are you ready?.......

Customer:

Yes!

AgapeDoc :

Based on my experience in dealing with situations like this....The answer to your question is as follows.....

AgapeDoc :

You are doing this for a couple of reasons. 1) you have started a pattern of behavior. We are creatures of habit and your habit has become problematic for you and her. So while you say you don't want to do this, you are having trouble stopping because it has become a habit. 2)

AgapeDoc :

2) From a deeper psychological perspective, you are doing this to prove that she will stay no matter what - yes this is very ironic isn't it??????

Customer:

How do I stop? Should have said that each time I had about 3 drinks over a 2 hour span but don't feel or exhibit any signs of being drunk or under the influence. Easy answer is don't drink and see if that changes my behavior.

AgapeDoc :

Here is what I mean... you fear losing her so much that you are creating a situation that is not comfortable for her and she has stayed so far (she is a creature of habit also) - so this reinforces that she will stay with you no matter what, ironically bringing validation to you in that she must truly love you.

AgapeDoc :

As far as the drinking goes, yes that does sound like an easy answer. However....... typically this is MUCH easier said than done!!!!!

AgapeDoc :

Of course you could try this, but I must tell you that in my experience, this has not been successful in even one case. Behaviors may change, but the problem will come up somewhere else :(

Customer:

I can easily stop drinking. Used to only have 2-3 drinks a year. Really do because we are out on the town. Really don't like drinking.

AgapeDoc :

I want you to read and understand what I pointed out in the paragraph above regarding how this problematic behavior is serving a real purpose for you - your behavior is bringing validation and ironically proving to you that you won't lose her no matter what. Now, I am reading what you just posted and let me say this....

AgapeDoc :

This is good news! Understand what I said about your behavior. However, based on what you said, this is (as I stated) VERY GOOD NEWS. And you have in a sense given me (and yourself) a BIG part of the answer you are looking for :)

AgapeDoc :

You must stop drinking!!!!!!!! If this is when the behaviors occur, then eliminate this and you will have made great strides to repair your relationship!!!!!!

Customer:

I can stop drinking. So, as my sister said to me, engage brain before speaking, is the right advice. Think how it will affect her.

AgapeDoc :

Having said that..... I also HIGLY recommend that you and her follow up with some couples counseling. It doesn't have to be anything "deep" but even going on a marriage retreat will do absolute wonders for you both :)

AgapeDoc :

Your sister is a good person to have around :)

Customer:

Thanks. I hope and pray it all works out. I don't want to lose her.

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