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Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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Im finding it hard to get my husband to understand the difference

Resolved Question:

I'm finding it hard to get my husband to understand the difference between quality time and coming home everyday. When I tell him that I need QT he said but I see you everyday. The more I ask for it, the more he tells me that he don't understand what I'm looking for or he can't give me what I'm looking for, or he thinks he is not the man for me. I feel so lonely and it's almost like he either don't understand or don't care. And then when he does "find" time for me he is upset about it the entire time which just makes the whole thing uncomfortable. There are times when he will tell me that he is going to do something and will be right back. He will leave out 8,9, 10 am and I will not hear from him or see him until late that evening. Then when I say something to him he says something came up, I forgot, or he try and make a joke out of it and say but I did come back. I don't know what else to do. I love my husband, but this unconcern attitude about my feelings has gotten on my last nerve and the more he does it the more hurt and pissed off I am and then he says I'm always mad and he don't understand why. WTF!!!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 3 years ago.

Anna :

Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

Anna :

How long have you been married?

Customer:

6 months

Anna :

Hmmm. Who is he spending the time with?

Anna :

..Especially when he goes out at night?

Customer:

His friends!!

Customer:

He is not out often at night.

Anna :

Is he drinking/getting buzzed during this time?

Customer:

Yes he drinks a lot.

Anna :

Is his drinking a spot of concern for you?

Customer:

Very much so. He knows that I do not like it and he continues to do it. But the only reason I stop giving him a lot of grief about it is because he use to drink everyday were now he only drinks on the weekends. But even then it is still to much.

Anna :

OK. Let me share a few things with you.....

Customer:

ok

Anna :

You're not insane, and you're not speaking Greek. He understands everything you're asking him for, but he either doesn't know how to give it to you, or doesn't want to. Don't fall into the trap that unless you come up with the perfect set of words at the perfect time, that it doesn't count.

Anna :

Anyone would be mad in your situation....

Anna :

If you're concerned about his drinking (which was my first thought when I read your post), then you're most likely onto something. Many troubled drinkers hope that marriage will stop their drinking or at least control it....

Anna :

At 6 months, he's starting to see that it's not working and so he's starting to throw blame on you. Don't accept it. I recommend AlAnon Family Groups meetings or literature for women in your situation....

Anna :

It can show you ways to keep your sanity no matter what he decides to do, and how to express your needs without chasing his drinking or rebellious behavior...

Customer:

He sees what is not working? The marriage?

Anna :

That the marriage isn't providing enough structure to rein in his drinking

Anna :

Which no marriage can.

Anna :

I have heard your same exact tale no less than a hundred times in my professional career...

Anna :

If you get outside help, and keep telling the truth about what is going on to your friends or family, you'll save your sanity....

Anna :

otherwise, this guy will make you crazy.

Customer:

But it's not just the drinking. It's his lack of attention and focus on/toward me also. Like he use to call me a couple times a day to see how I'm doing, or just to tell me he loves me. Now if I don't call him the whole day I won't see or hear from him until he gets home.

Anna :

So, to sum up, know that you're making absolutely perfect sense....you're easy to understand....you're not asking for too much....you don't have to be perfect or ask for things perfectly.....all those things that you're telling me are standard behavior for one who's attention is connected to drinking.

Customer:

I keep asking him why does his friends always come before me. He says they don't. I keep telling him that that is what he shows me, damn what he says. And he gets defensive and says things like what you don't believe what I'm telling you.

Anna :

Sit down with him and tell him that you're hurt by his lack of attention, and that you want him to solve that problem out of his love for you....

Anna :

Do it once, and then if he continues to sling that BS, then you need outside help fast.

Anna :

All those things are childish defenses. He doesn't believe them either...it's just BS.

Customer:

WOW... I really thought that he believed what he was saying out of his mouth.

Anna :

You're not crazy, you're just calling him out. Plain & simple: he doesn't like it, so he's finding a way to try to get you to think you're crazy.

Customer:

AND THAT IS WHAT HE SAYS EVERYTIME!!! He always says that I'm crazy, or I'm made over something dumb.

Anna :

I really thought that he believed what he was saying out of his mouth........I wouldn't expect him to admit it, but unless he's developmentally challenged, he knows what he's doing. This is such standard fare...I swear they all read the same book. "you're crazy"...."you're making it up"...."you're too intense"....you don't trust me......

Anna :

...you don't believe in me...you don't love me.....

Customer:

Then when I would go to my family about it they say that it is me too. So I'm out here looking for counselors, paying hundrends of dollars for anger management and the whole time it's not me???

Anna :

If that guy has made you into a screaming banshee, I'm sure you're not the only one. Look for a counselor who deals with addiction, and your troubles will soon fall into the light of day.

Customer:

OMG!!!! Those are all the things he say to me everytime I want to talk to him about how I'm feeling.

Anna :

I just can't tell you how many times in 30 years of counseling I've heard that EXACT same thing.

Customer:

Naw doc. I don't scream and yell at him. I learned from my first marriage that screaming gets you now where, but in this marriage it seems like talking does not help either.

Anna :

Go to AlAnon for free (look it up online) and talk to an addictions counselor. You'll see the light.

Customer:

So you think that all of this is because he is not drinking during the week anymore?

Anna :

http://www.recoverytoday.net/archive/25-september/81-anger-busting-the-rules-of-the-game-advice-for-women-in-anger-relationships

Customer:

and benging on the weekends?

Anna :

Yes, I think that all of this is because he is not drinking anymore, but I suspect the "lost time" is sneak drinking.

Anna :

...drinking anymore during the week...

Customer:

Funny you said that because some days he come home and I ask him have you been drinking and he says no, but I can smell a fant scent of it.

Anna :

Bingo.

Anna :

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Customer:

So he's been lying to me all this time and instead of being honost he making me out to be crazy???

Customer:

So if he lie to me, then he does not respect me and if he does not respect me then he does not love me. THAT HURTS.

Anna :

I need to wrap this up, but I'd really like you to read those two weblinks I posted. I can tell from your writing that you're intelligent, verbal and intuitive, and have a good idea of what's going on. Trust your gut now before you lose the ability to discern your real truth. This might be the most painful truth you're going to face, but please face it. People get better from this stuff everyday. You're not alone.

Anna :

I wouldn't say he doesn't love you, I'd say he's connected to alcohol in a way he can't control or manage.

Customer:

okay. thanks for everything doc. I got the links and I'll look into it. OH one more thing. Like I said I love my husband, so Im trying to make everything right. Do you know of any counselor or doctors in Baltimore that I can look into as well?

Anna :

You're most welcome, and I appreciate the opportunity to help you today. There is lots you can do to save your marriage, so don't give up hope - just give up banging your head against the wall. I don't know of any in Baltimore, but if you call any treatment center, they should have outpatient counselors you can try. Remember: you're not crazy & you're not alone. Take care!

Customer:

Thanks a bunch, you too. :)

Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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Anna
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Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.