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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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my husband and I have been fighting over the behavior of his

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my husband and I have been fighting over the behavior of his grown children towards me, money, his golf and play dates with his buddies that don't include me, etc.etc.etc. He claims he can't do fun things with me because it costs him too much and everything he does involving golf trips gets written off on the business. I am never asked to join him when he meets up with his daughter for whatever reason. He used to do more things with me but the daughter thing has always been the same. He has established this pattern of distancing and icing me out and goes weeks without a word to me. No communication at all of his plans whereabouts nothing! I've made several attempts to get him to speak to me but he gives me the silent treatment. This sort of treatment sent me in a frenzy one evening that I threw a glass candle at him to get him to react. I got a reaction alright. He smacked me so hard in the face I went to the emergency room to get my head checked. I was okay. I went home packed y bags and left for a couple of days. The only reason I returned was for my 14 year old who was wondering where I went. Not an ounce of remorse or concern from him! I went to a therapist and he agreed to come with me. He was uncomfortable with what she had to say about the smack, his kids etc He said he didn't like her and never returned. We have run hot and cold for the past 6 months but the silent treatment and disconnecting has gone on since last year. He rarely calls me during the day to see how I'm doing, he up and left to go to our house in SC without a word for 5 days and now he's on a business trip since Friday. I haven't heard from him though he has called my daughter. We fought before he left because I found out that he was planning to go the Masters next year with his partner on his 60th birthday and he ddin't mention it to me until I found out through the grapevine. This is also an established pattern. I find things out months later. I'm so tired of the mind games and feeling so insignificant. He thinks I have it made because he pays the bills. I'm ready to throw away all the self help books I've been reading that tell me to swallow my pride and ego and cave in to him. It just fuels him and makes him feel in control. I'm not working which makes me feel more dependent otherwise I may have walked. Help!
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Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband is at the very least emotionally abusive. Shutting you out and treating you like you don't matter is emotional abuse. Hitting you, on the other hand, is physical abuse. Throwing something at him wasn't wise, but it did not mean he should hit you. That was wrong on his part and shows that he is easily provoked. Not a good sign.

 

You do not have to accept your husband's behavior. He should be including you in his decisions at the very least. When a man and woman marry, they agree to put each other first. Your husband is not doing that. He is treating you like you do not matter.

 

The method in which you relate to each other may not be ideal. And he may have his own feelings about how you treat each other. But that does not excuse shutting you out or hitting you. He also can speak up and say he is not happy with the marriage and work on fixing it. But he is choosing instead to ignore it, and you.

 

Talk to him again about seeing a counselor. Tell him that your marriage is in trouble and that you want to find a way to fix it. If he still refuses to go, go without him. You need help and support to figure out how you want to handle this situation.

 

Also, learn what you can about emotional abuse. It will help you stop putting the blame on yourself for his behavior. Here are some resources to get you started:

 

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

 

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

 

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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