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Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience:  Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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(This was an e-mail i sent to my younger sister, I had to confide

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(This was an e-mail i sent to my younger sister, I had to confide in someone but I really need help)

I think I've made a terrible mistake Jasmin, and you are the only person I can trust enough to confide in with out fear of judgement. Getting married was the worst decision I have ever made to this day. Don't get me wrong, Keith is an amazing man. He's not the mistake, getting married was the mistake. I never told anybody this but after Bobby broke my heart I was so against any serious relationship. I just wanted to have fun. But, I quickly fell into a horrible pattern. Any time I meet a guy that I like, I will be CRAZY about him at first, then I'll fall in love with him and then out of the blue I'll just stop and want to be single again. I get tired of being close with someone like that. I meet another guy that I like and then I'll want to be single again, I'll want to be free. I love the thrill of a first kiss, the crazy butterflies you get. I love casual sex with no strings attatched. I love how when I see a guy I like all I have to do is flirt a little bit and then I can have him. I especially like it when I meet a guy who says he gets bored of girls quick and I can keep his attention for a while, I like the idea of being able to do that, it's like a challenge to me. It's fun to me to make guys like that fall for me, just to see if I can do it. I don't know how to stop being like this. Whats wrong with me? Am I a horrible person? Am I a complete slut? Why is it always so easy for me to fall in and out of love like its nothing. And I do this all the time. I'll meet a guy a really like and I'll get serious with him and then all of a sudden I want it to be over. I'm such a f**king heart breaker. I should know better but for some reason I always think the next guy will be different for me, that I won't lose interest, but I always do. And knowing this about myself I went and got myself f**king married. How stupid am I? I should have known better. But I wasn't thinking clearly. All I could think was when will I ever find another guy like Keith? When will I ever find someone so kind and sincere and so patient with me? When would I ever find another man who loves me as much as him? So I said okay, I'll marry him.But now I'm just realizing that I am not ready to be married. You know, there was a guy before Keith that I had a little fling with and I was CRAZY about him I liked him so much and I really wanted to be with him but he was two ranks above me so we had to stop talking for a little bit and then a week later was when me and Keith started to talk and hang out. Then a few weeks later, I had a long talk with that guy before Keith and he said he still liked me and wanted to try again. I was SOOOO close to telling Keith that I just wanted to be friends so I could try things with that other guy again but Keith was so nice to me that I justcouldn't do it, I didn't want to make him feel bad, I didn't want to hurt him, I was tired of breaking hearts so I stopped talking to that other guy and about 2 months later I started dating Keith. The thing is, he's different because I still love him. I love him so much but I just don't want to be married. I'm not ready for marriage. What the hell was I thinking? I'm 20 years old! I am not ready for someone to get to know me inside and out. But what can I do now? I can't tell him any of this. He would hate me. What would he think of me? He was think I'm a whore. And who could blame him? I'm such a horrible person Jasmin and I don't know how I got this way. I wish that I could be single again and then come back to him when I'm ready for him so that I can be the woman that he deserves. He has done nothing wrong to me there should be no reason for me to be wishing that I wasn't married anymore but I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I just don't know who I am or what I want. I never know what I want, ever and Keith is the exact opposite. He knows exactly what he wants in life. I don't, I always think I know what I want but I'm always wrong. I have no idea what I'm looking for or how to fix myself. Why am I so terrible? I am constantly at war with myself. I'm in love with Keith but I'm just not ready for him if that makes any sense at all. This is all my fault, I've done this to myself. I made my own bed and now I must lay in it because if he knew any of this it would break his heart and I know that I couldn't bear to see him hurt, especially by me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mina replied 2 years ago.
Hello,

I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with this difficult situation. You sound a very sensitive person the way you described yourself and what you are going through. It sounds like you are experiencing a conflict between your two parts: the more "sensible" one that wants to do the "right" thing and commit and love and respect the marriage and the other part that wants to seduce, feel wanted and desired. Is that right?
You also sound highly self critical, you feel a lot of guilt for this, which doesn't help. It sounds like you do not accept yourself, who you are, how you feel.
Can you tell me a bit more about yourself?how long have you been married for?how is your relationship with Keith?how is your life at the moment and anything else would help me understand your situation better.

looking forward to your response

thanks

Mina
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
For Mina:
Well, I am 20 years old I am in the military which I joined at 18. Growing up I was very sheltered and not allowed to do much so my first time away from home was a little crazy. I have only been married 6 months and before we got married we were dating for a little over 3 months. Keith seems to be the best thing for me. He is patient, kind, loyal and very trustworthy. He will do anything just to see me smile so why can't I just be happy with that?
Expert:  Mina replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the information.

I understand from this that you probably experienced a certain level of pressure from home and you didn't have the chance to "live" your life and go through experiences during which we get to know ourselves. You didn't have the opportunity to explore your sexuality, your desires and your needs due to the sheltered environment as you said. You and keith also seem to have rushed in a marriage (not sure why) although you could have stayed into the phase of dating for another few years at least and then proceed to something more committed. This is something that doesn't always work out for the best as it is common for one of the two people to feel "trapped" in a long term relationship. However, there is the very positive factor that keith feels the right person for you in the long term. You are in a difficult position yourself but that doesn't mean that Keith will not feel the same as you after a few years down the line. These feelings that you experience most likely have nothing to do with Keith, they have to do with you and learning yourself and maturing through experiences. I completely understand how you feel and I think that it is quite expected, so please do not feel guilty about the way you feel. Instead, focus on exploring your options.

Most times, when there are problems in the marriage, a couple's therapist can help to communicate difficult feelings and thoughts in a safe environment, in therapy where things are processed a lot differently from if those things were said at home during an argument. I know that at the moment you may think that you do not want to "rock the boat" with Keith or hurt him as he is unaware of how you feel but think about how you are going to feel a few months down the line having bottled up all this frustration and repression. Your marriage has a lot of good chances to survive but only if you both learn to communicate things to eachother and try and address them together. This experience may actually lead you both to "grow up" together instead of both of you taking separate ways.

I know it is hard to accept telling him how you feel but I feel that if you wait, your negative feelings will not disappear but intensify.

Please feel free to share any feedback on these thoughts

All the best

Mina
Mina, Clinical Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 188
Experience: Working as a Highly Specialist Clinical Psychologist in NHS. Experience in both children and adults
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