It happened in 1990, was 18 (now 39). At the time i couldn't cope with what had happened, couldnt talk to anyone, so i buried it. Managing to almost completely pretend as if nothing had happened. Then after the death of my mum in 2006 i had a nervous breakdown. (diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder). The assult came out about 2007 under hypnosis. Done by a separate Psychologist. And has been causing real anxiety since. ie i rarely go out on my own and can get very anxious around men. All i want is to stop feeling frightened.
I have two sisters and live with my partner who are all lovely but i've never been able to tell them. None of us talk about emotions! I know i've got to deal with it but the thought of reliving it terrifies me.
I still don't remember all of it, even under deep hypnosis there were things i couldn't describe, ie what he said when he threatened me. Or the actual of assult, as all i remember is looking around or staring up at the moon, so i didn't have to think about what was actually happening.
So during the therapy i suffered alot with dissociating myself from the therapy because i couldn't cope. Still experience times of dissociation now where i just shut down or slip in to a more agressive personality. Can be very embarrassing to do in public and confusing for other people to understand. I don't know how to deal with all this.
Thankyou for your thoughts. I'd wondered about PTSD.
Just to clarify about the psychologist who did the hypnosis. (As he was nice.) He was working for the Job Centre at the time and was only supposed to deal with problems related to returning to work. He did try to help but it really wasn't his job and he passed it over to the NHS therapists that i was seeing at the time anyway. Who unfortunatly were much less understanding.