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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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My wife and I have ben having problems. I was angry with her

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My wife and I have ben having problems. I was angry with her because I could not communicate with her about a proble I had with her. In deperation, I stopped all intimacy with her hoping that would get her to talk with me. I pushed her away. I noticied for the pas t 6 month some changes in her and I have caught her in lies. She has been going awat every weekend telling me it was for work. I found out she has been with another man. I don't know if it is a physical affair but at the very least an emotional affair. What she does now is waits until the last minute and then tells me she is goin away for the weekend to clear her head. I protest this but she leaves me and the children with no contact the whole weekend. She swears there is no physical affair and the she is no longer in love with me because I went a year without intamacy. I know what I did wrong but does she have the right to just leave me and the kids( 16 & 11)?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 2 years ago.

Good afternoon and welcome to Just Answer. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the opportunity to help in answering your question. Furthermore, I would like to say that I am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX hear of the difficulty you're experiencing within your marriage.

 

Based on the detailed information that you have kindly provided it sounds as though there may be several factors in question here. It sounds as though you're wife is using her going away as "payback" for your cutting her off emotionally and physically. Despite the fact that this could have been handled better it appears to be evident that you have made multiple attempts to reconcile and have gone so far as to acknowledge that you were wrong in doing this and attempting to reconcile.

 

Having said that, my impression is that your wife's response may be over-exaggerated in that she goes away for the weekend and has no contact with you or the children the entire time. She likely waits for the last minute to let you know is due in part of her wanting to avoid a confrontation. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this as well as for the children to witness this behavior your wife is exhibiting...as this can't be healthy for them to see.

 

I recognize the fact that she says that she is no longer in love with you and is showing you disregard by just up and leaving each weekend with no contact....but I get the impression that you are willing to do whatever is necessary to save your marriage. My initial inclination is speak further with her about going to marital therapy in order to try and work out the issues that you've mentioned and to further address the original issues in relation to communicating with one another. My inclination is such that she will be resistant and I would urge you to persist and continue to request marital therapy in order to work through the problems you're both facing. Mind you, I recognize that this will be difficult for you in both the request as well as the possibility of being rejected.

 

My hope is that the therapy will help you both to work through your problems and resolve the issues you're confronted with. Furthermore, (and forgive my bluntness) the therapy could also help you to work toward an amicable separation. Your wife goes away each weekend without consideration for not just you but her own children which is (again forgive me) is unconsciable. You have some decisions to make with regards XXXXX XXXXX marriage and the mental health of both you and your children. I would start with the above suggestions. There are also workbooks that can be purchased with techniques to help you both work on issues in your marriage which would be a good start if she is willing to do so.

 

Again please accept by sincerest apologies about what you are confronting and I hope that my answer has been helpful. Please feel free to ask any further questions that you may have so that I can ensure that I have answer your question completely and thoroughly. My intent is to be certain that you are satisfied with all aspects of the answer and suggestions I've offered you. I look forward to your response and thank you again for the opportunity to help.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
What I want to know is should I just accept her leaving like this. She feels that she has the right to just leave because of what I did to her. I cannot take this anymore but I don't want to seem like I'm giving an ultimatum if I say I want a divorce if she does again. She keeps teeling me she needs her space and time?
Expert:  mindhealer replied 2 years ago.
My answer to that would be no that this behavior of her leaving every weekend is intolerable and I wonder if she's even aware of the emotional harm being done to the children. You explaining the impact it's having on the marriage, your children not to mention that she is working on placing a permanent wedge between the two of you would be telling her this is unacceptable while not giving an ultimatum.

However, if the behavior persists despite your best efforts to try and work through this it's certainly possible that she has "checked out" of the marriage. My apologies for being so blunt but I feel it's important for you to know what you're likely to confront as she maybe dismissive to your concerns which would be indicative of her having given up on the marriage.

Her behavior is no excuse for what you did initially and there doesn't appear to be any remorse for her going away every weekend. A person usually needs a couple days to clear their head...not every weekend with no end in sight.

I hope this helps to answer your follow up questions and please feel free to ask anything further or if you need any additional clarification. I look forward to your response.
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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