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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Hi, Ive been married for 10 years, lots of ups and downs through

Resolved Question:

Hi, I've been married for 10 years, lots of ups and downs through the relationship, I left my husband 9 months ago was not happy with the relationship and wanted a break, not long after I met someone else, he is the total opposite to my husband and we got quite serious. The reason I broke it off with him and my husband was very persistent with trying to get me back and talked me into breaking it off with this guy. Now my husband and I have been trying to work things out, my husband is a very nice person who loves me and the kids alot and would do anything for me he also is a very good provider financially, the truth is I'm just not in love with him or attracted to him at all, I really miss this guy that I was seeing and feel very miserable not seeing him anymore, I'm in love with him and attracted to him, he is single, dosent mind having a drink and is not that well off financially, I'm very confused what to do.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.

Because some questions need to be answered directly. But your question needs to be a process of helping you find the wisdom within you that needs to direct your decision.

Your husband was very persistent and talked you into breaking it off. But in order to talk you into it, YOU had to be convinced at the time you broke it off. What was convincing to you then?

What happened to those reasons that convinced you to go back to your family? What makes them not convincing any more?

What about your kids? How do they fit into what makes your life happy and satisfying?

And now for the big picture question: You're 35, a young woman. In 30 years you'll be a 65 year old woman. How do you want to look back on your life when you're 65? Imagine yourself being a 65 year old woman; how do you want to look back on your life? How will you judge each of the two decisions then?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
convincing to me then was I guess I wanted to keep the family together and he told me that everything will change and I will get back attraction for him, so I thought I would give it another go especially for my kids and I feel the other guy could be a bit of a risk, so we went to marriage counselling, went on dates, and it just has not helped I guess I feel more of my husband as a friend. And i'm not sure about how do I want to look back at my life, hopefully at 65 i can look back and know that I made the decision and happy with my relationship with my partner.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.

You want to be able to look back in 30 more years and know that you made the decision that made you "happy". Okay. So we've learned that the #1 value for you is feeling happy.

It's clear, then, from what you write that going with the exciting sexy guy is making you happy now. Staying with your husband and kids is not happiness now. So, then, it is also clear that if you are seeking being happy, you need to go back to the other guy.

The problems you are facing is that happiness is not a primary value. It changes. For example, creating a stable home for your kids is a primary value. It doesn't change. You either try to uphold that value or you let that value go. But it is a value that stays the same.

Happiness, however, changes. For example, you were happy with the exciting, sexy guy. But your husband convinced you that you would be happy with him. So happiness can change very easily.

But if your #1 value you want to look back at your life with is that you took the steps to be happy, you have NOTHING to go on other than the feeling at the moment you have. It might change, of course. But what else can you use to gauge being happy.

So, I don't know how long you will be happy with this exciting man, but as this is your goal and value in your life above the other values and goals in your life, then this is what you would need to do and, I guess, hope that happiness doesn't change on you between now and 30 years from now.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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