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psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Ive been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. He s a great

Customer Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. He' s a great guy and has been wonderful to me.
When I first met him he was going through a divorce. It's been a long drawn out process. I found a note and card , yes I was snooping because I guess I was trying to find answers as to why I just don't feel right. The card was written 6 months ago at the time of their 20th anns and at the same time he moved out. He says in it how much he still loves her and wishes he would've done or said things differently, but knows now how they just have to do the right thing. The card went on and was pretty intense about his feelings for her. He still goes over there he says to see his 15 yrs old daughter. He swears to me the relationship has been over for years. I am very upset and wondering what should I do.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I wouldn't confront. I would discuss. There is a difference. You have to discuss this or you will obsess about this because this feeds into any woman's fear that the ex will be the present, and that there are feelings there that have never been resolved. Talk about this as a couple especially if he is visiting his daughter. You have to know that there is not a relationship and that he doesn't want a relationship. Don't accuse or the discussion will go nowhere. You have to accept his answers too. It is going to be important for him to make you feel that he is committed to you. That has to be a priority for him. Tell him you need that. That's why a calm discussion is necessary. Ask him everything you need to during this discussion. If you want to visit a couples counselor for a brief time that is okay too.

 

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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
psychlady and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Your answer makes alot of sense. I feel my feeling are more valid. Just like to clarity it further.

I did try to discuss this and he says what he's always says and that he is done with her. She stopped loving him years ago. But by relationship, even if it's not sexual, can it be ok in your opinion for them to be so called friends when only five months ago he was writing about how much he does love her while he was with me. I am so confused. I am very much bothered by this. I feel he still wants to be in her life in any way possible. He says he's not going there or talking to her for my sake and is over her but I don't know if I believe him. I am very hurt because he wants to move back on that side of town he says to be close to his daughter so it can be easier for her to visit. Of cause this is on the other side of town from me. I never had childred of my own, so I don't know if this is something reasonable. He's never said he loved me but says other things indicating he wants to be with me long term and is working on it and just needs time to sort all this divorce out. He tells me it'll be worth it for me to hang in there. He does act like he is really into me.

I am leaning towards leaving him right now because I am hurtining so bad over the letter I found but then afraid if I don;t give it a chance I might pass up something really great. I am so torn.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I can see the benefits of staying and going. There are many who could not take such a close "friendship" with ex. Most would feel that ex's should be just that. I can see how they want to be friends and this does happen especially where there are children. You have to decide how much trust there is and how much you think he loves you. He is saying that this ex is totally just a friend. It is up to you to believe it or not. I would look for a compromise. Maybe a relationship with very firm boundaries that you both agree to. If you work together you can have a relationship. But if he is going to wave his hand and tell you that you are being silly then your fears may remain. Ask him to work together because you have these insecurities. See if he is willing to make compromises

 

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