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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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Hi my name isXXXXX am 21 and I have a problem with jealousy

Customer Question

Hi my name isXXXXX am 21 and I have a problem with jealousy? My boyfriend is 23 and we moved in two years ago. I've had this problem since the start with him but never in my past relationships. I get really mad if I see a girls number on his phone or if he's been talking to her. Even though he never really goes out without me even takes me when he's out with his buddies. I really don't want to loose him. It just gets me so jealous when he talks to other girls! What can I do to not feel this way?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.

Hello there and thanks for asking JA. Does your boyfriend has many women friends? Do you feel that he does not pay enough attention to you? Maybe the answer is to improve your relationship with him so you can feel secure. What is it about the specific women that he is talking to that makes you insecure? Is he flirting with them or is he just friends?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

When we were dating he stood me up to go out with one of his best friends and lied to me about it. He then told me the truth and I forgave him, he had a lot of women as friends but that didn't bother me. When we moved in I told him that i would move in with him as long as there were no women anymore. He agreed, and even deleted their numbers but his friends kept looking for him and he replied back. I didn't have a problem with him talking to his friends but he would always tell me that they would talk for more than four hours after i left his house. So that's why i prohibited him to talk to them. He doesn't talk to any women now but i when see a girls number on his phone i get mad simply because he doesn't talk to me about it. Maybe, because he doesn't want to deal with the drama. And after a few days he will delete the converstaion. I know shouldn't be looking at his phone. How can i feel more secure. I know he won't cheat he will just tell me instead and break up with me. He doesn't flirt with them. There's this one girl who he's been friends with for years her name is XXXXX XXXXX is the girl he talked to alot. She's the one that always comes up on his phone. She's married and has a baby. Is it okay for them to continue their friendship???

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.

I think if he does not flirt with other women and he is talking to a married woman who has a baby he may just be good friends with her. Have you tried to be friends with her also? I think it may be a good idea for you to get to know this girl and this may make you feel more comfortable. I don't think you can forbid someone from talking to other people. This will make them not tell you the truth. Ask him about his friendship with this girl and what she is going through. He may be supportive. I think talking to friends for 4 hours is extreme even if those are male or female. You can ask him if he thinks talking to people for 4 hours is extreme. As for how you can trust him again, I think you have to be more understanding of his friendships and also asking to be honest about his friends and not to lie to you. In order for him to feel safe to talk to you about his friends you have to stop snooping and don't tell him to not talk to them. Now how you can improve your own self esteem. You can find some activity that you love to do away from the relationship. You can go out with your friends and let him worry a bit about you and who you are talking to. Remember you are the best so he has to treat you with respect. You will have jealous feelings because you are afraid to loss his love but talk to your friends about it and not over-react. When you feel jealous and like going through his phone call a friend go out talk about your insecurities. Do you have male friends?

Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I meant to say he used to talk for hours to his friend before we moved in together and were serious. He hardly ever does now. But is it normal that it doesn't bother him or get him jealous that i go out with other men? He says it doesn't worry him and that it is okay with him. I haven't tried talking to that girl, i would love to though! I would want to get to know her! But i don't know how. If he doesn't even want to talk about the subject, how can i get him to talk about it? How can i approach him and convince him? I want us to figure it out. But how can i be more secure about myself and not be so jealous. What confuses me is that it doesn't bother him that i talk to other men but he won't let me have a facebook account? Why is that? I used to have a lot of male friends before and was never a girls girl. ALthough, now im trying to make more girlfriends. How can i get him to understand that i will allow him to talk to his friends? He doesn't believe me anymore? how can i stop snooping around his stuff?

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.

It is not confusing that he does not get jealous when you go out with other guys because he trusts you. I think it is normal that he is not jealous because he knows you will not cheat. I don't really understand why he will not let you have a facebook account. I think you can be secure about yourself because you can tell yourself when you feel jealous that nothing is happening that your mind is just jealous. Here are the steps to stop jealousy

The steps to permanently end jealous reactions are:
1) Recovering personal power so that you can get control of your emotions and refrain from the reactive behavior. Recovering your personal power means that you have to believe that you are worth it. Tell yourself, that you are the best thing that can happen to him.
2) Shift your point of view so that you can step back from the story in your mind. This will give you a gap of time in which to refrain from a jealous or angry reaction and do something else. For instance when you mind says he is cheating disconnect from the thoughts by telling your self.
3) Identify the core beliefs that trigger the emotional reaction. Why do you believe that?
4) Become aware that the beliefs in your mind are not true. This is different than "knowing" intellectually that the stories are not true.
5) Develop control over your attention so you can consciously choose what story plays in your mind and what emotions you feel.

There are a number of elements that create the dynamic of jealousy. As such, effective solutions will have to address multiple elements of beliefs, point of view, emotions, and personal will power. If you miss one or more of these elements you leave the door open for those destructive emotions and behaviors to return.

Principle triggers of jealousy are beliefs that create feelings of insecurity.
Feelings of low self esteem are based in beliefs we have in a mental image of who we are. In order to eliminate jealousy, we just have to change our belief in the false self image. While some people assume this may be hard, it is only challenging because most people have not learned the skills necessary to change a belief. Once you practice the skills you find that changing a belief takes very little effort. You just stop believing the story in your mind. It takes more effort to believe something than it does to not believe it.

Self Judgment can amplify the feeling of insecurity
It is not enough to "know" intellectually that we are creating the emotion. With only this information the Inner Judge is likely to abuse us with criticism for what we are doing. The Inner Judge might use this information to take us on an emotional downward spiral to further insecurity. For real lasting change you will need develop skills to dissolve the beliefs and false self images and gain control of what your mind projects. One of the steps to changing a behavior is to see how we actually create the emotion of anger or jealousy from the images, beliefs, and assumptions, in our mind. This step not only allows us to take responsibility, but taking responsibility for our emotions also puts us in a position of power to change them.

If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner, and they want you to change your behavior to prevent the jealousy then they are not taking responsibility. If they say things like "If you wouldn't _____ then I wouldn't react this way." That type of language flags an attitude of powerlessness and an attempt to control your behavior with a deal.

How the mind creates the emotions of jealousy and anger
I've outlined the dynamics of jealousy and anger in the explanation below. If you are seeking to overcome jealousy it is likely that you already know the dynamics that I describe. This description may help fill in some gaps of how the mind twists knowledge into self judgment and reinforces low self esteem and insecurity. This intellectual understanding can help develop awareness to see these dynamics in the moment you are doing them. But to really make effective changes you will need a different skill set. Knowing how you create your emotional reactions doesn't give you enough information about how to change them. Just like knowing you got a flat tire because you ran over a nail doesn't mean you know how to patch the tire.


In order to overcome the emotion generated from his Hidden False Image, he focuses on his perceived positive qualities. From these qualities the man creates a more positive False Image of himself. I call this the Projected Image because this is how he wants to be seen. The emotional result of a positive self image is no self rejection and no feeling of unworthiness. There is greater acceptance for himself, therefore he creates more love and happiness. Notice that he has not changed, he is just holding on to a different image in his mind depending on the moment.

The Hidden Image beliefs become the triggers of unhappiness while the Projected Image triggers more pleasant emotions. It is important to note that both images are false. Both images are in the man's mind and neither one is really him. He is the one that is creating and reacting to the images in his imagination. He is not an image in his imagination.

The man's mind associates the Projected Image with qualities women are attracted to. Often the qualities are considered positive as a result of the assumption that women are attracted to them. When the man gets attention from a woman he associates himself with the Projected Image rather than the "Not Good Enough" image. The strengthened belief in the Projected Image results in more self acceptance, love, and happiness in his emotional state.

It is the man's action of acceptance and love that changes his emotional state. It is not the image, or the woman's attention that change his emotion. These are only triggers that activate the man's mind towards certain beliefs, self acceptance, and love.

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
So what can I do to make it better?.....for him to open up to me and be able to talk about his friends with me?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
You have to be more open about his friendship with this woman. It will take time but if you stop acting jealous and show interest in his friendship he will open to you. You can admit that you been jealous and tell him you are going to change your behavior and try hard to do it. Eventually he will open up. Good luck to you. Ask him also to invite his friend and her husband for dinner. Say it would be nice to have another couples as friends.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Also how can I get him to.be more interested in me in bed. Since we've been together I've put on a few pounds and he doesn't show the same desire for me as when we were dating, why? How can turn on the spark in our sexual life? I don't want him to loose interest, sometimes I think its because of my jealousy issue that just stresses him out. How can I be more exciting for him?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Start doing the things you did when you were first dating. Go to dates, dress up, be more loving. Communication sparks sexual interest. Also don't worry about it so much because it will spark you jealousy
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Huh?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Yes I think to spice things up you have to make weekly dates with your boyfriend. Try to do the fun things you did as a couple when you first started. Men tell me in therapy that they want their girlfriends to be more affectionate and less possessive. Talk to him about his fantacies in bed. That is the way you will know what he likes that you did not try yet. Open up to him about your fantasies. It takes work to keep a relationship fresh. I also beleive that you should not worry about it because sexual spark goes down as people get comfortable. It is all part of being in a relationship.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What ways can I get him to open about his fantasies? How can I open up the subject? What can I do? Also our anniversary is coming up and I never know what do he always seems to what do for me, what can I do for him to make him feel special?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
I think communication is key here. You can talk about your own fantasies and ask him about yours. I think you probably know what he would like for your anniversary. I don't know your boyfriend but you can make him a nice dinner, give him a massage...buy him tickers to a ball game..things he likes.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
But how can I start communicating with him, because we do lack in that subject. Sometimes I'm scared to be me around him. Like when we go shopping I might like something and as soon as I hear him say that its ugly I put it down. I try too much to please him and I try to do.things that he likes am I trying too hard? I think I forgot how to be more enticing how to be more fun. It is always awkward when we go out I don't want to be like that I want to be fun and exci
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Fun and exciting for him
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
????
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
I suggest that you see a therapist to work on your self-esteem if you are scared of communicating your needs to your boyfriend how can he you communicate with him?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
How do i know he loves me?But should he and I go to therapy together? Or should it be just me?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Hello there, you know that he loves you because he tells you that he does. I would say at this point going to therapy for yourself would help you. Also going to couples therapy will help your relationship with him. If he agrees you can go to couples therapy, if he is refusing you can go to therapy by yourself that will help you with your insecurity.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ok one more thing we live with his parents and things got really uncomfortable with them yesterday because they also rent to another couple the lady is Really rude and disrespectful she doesn't clean and talks at late hours at night we've asked his parents to talk to her but they never do. So yesterday I told her to be a little more respectful but she went at it and started cussing me out. She went and told my boyfriends parents that I told her a lot of curse words and now they think that's my fault. They blamed it on me but never once askedc me my story of what happened. I know my boyfriend beliefs me because he's seen the way she acts when his parents aren't around and has even talked back to him. We were going to move out but then they told us that it wasn't necessary that they were going to kick the other couple out. I think this is their last month. But I don't want to live here anymore because I feel uncomfortable that they decided to believe the lady instead of even hearing what I had to say. My boyfriend feels alone by his parents he feels that he can't count ob them because when he told his parents that if the people didn't move out he was going to leave his dad turned his back and didn't do anything. When they saw we were leaving they decided to do something about it. Which ruined our plans of moving out. But now they feel I'm the rude one and I'm only thinking about me. So I don't want to live here anymore but how do I tell my boyfriend he knows that I'm not lying about what happened will he leave if I want to leave? Is it too much to ask for? Or what can I do?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
I think you will need to negotiate this with your boyfriend. I believe that you are not asking for too much. Even living with the best in laws things get uncomfortable after a while. I think things would get better between you and him and his parents if the two of you moved out. I am sorry that you had that experience with the other lady. If the two of you can afford to move you need to explain to his parents that is not hurt feelings but the two of you would like to find a place on your own. I am sorry that your in-laws did not ask for your side of the story. Maybe they did know that you were right but where afraid to face the other couple. You tell your boyfriend that you would love to get your own place and that you would love to have your own privacy away from his parents. I am not sure that he would want to move out. All you can do is bring it up.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What do I do about the lady? While we both are still here?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Please be polite and ignore her. She is about to leave don't let her upset you. If you liked my answer please press accept so I can get paid.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
But what do I do about my in laws?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.

Brenda I think you are a very smart woman and deep down you know what to do. I think having a heart to heart with them even if it feel afraid. You have to express your hurt feelings after you talk about how much you appreciate them. You will be ok. Tell yourself that you will be fine until you believe it.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Honestly, I don't want anything to do with them because I'm so angry. But I want to do it for Juan because I love him. So what do I do forgive them. J don't feel like being around them at any time but I kinda have to we're under the same roof. So I'm confused should I put it in the past and just forgive them for Juan because at the end of the day those are his parents and I don't want him to not have that bond with them. I need an answer ASAP because I feel really alone and sad and I don't how to deal with this:(.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
I am not sure what to tell you. YOu love your boyfriend and it looks like you need to tell him that you would like to move out without hurting his parents feelings. I understand that is hard for you to live with them. It also sounds like he may be from a different culture than you. In the Latino culture people are very close to their parents, so your boyfriend may have a hard time seperating from his parents. I wonder if what would help you the most is to make friends with other women so you can get support.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What other woman?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
I am talking about your own friends. Making more women friends would provide you with support. I will opt out of this one, because I don't seem to be helping you out.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello penny...I just reread your answer and it makes sense to me. I am also trying to not snoop around my boyfriends things and it has worked for me. Things at home have been a little better I still have a resentment against his parents but I keep it to myself at all times. But I wanna be more interesting for him how can I do that?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
Hello Brenda, this would be a new answer. I am happy that things are going better for you. I think you are more interesting to him by being yourself. You can develop parts of yourself that you find interesting such as taking a class in something you enjoy. By learning something new you can share that with him and that makes you more interesting. I think men are simple and if yu are happy he will be happy with you. The way to make him happy is to make yourself happy.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi penny, I have a huge problem right now. My boyfriend and I were out drinking with some friends last night because he graduated bartending school so we went to have a few drinks. The night was getting too long and I wanted to come home. My boyfriend wanted to stay and hangout with his friends I asked him a couple times for us to come home but he asked me to wait. I waited in my car and after a few more drinks he came inside the car. This whole I've more than there for him he had work full time And then school and his car broke down...his job is further away from home so I told him he could use my car and I walked to work for a whole week. So the whole time I was waiting in the car I was mad at myself for waiting for someone who couldn't do one thing for me. I understood he was celebrating with his buddies but it was close to one a.m. and I was tired and boozed up. Once we got home I went straight to my room no words had been said when I noticed he stayed behind I went out to look for him and he was out in the front patio still drinking. It got me angry and I asked if he couldn't do one thing for me and I took his beer and I swung at him. I felt horrible it was an impulse and as I turned he swung right back and hit my cheek. I could tell he did not feel sorry. He said that the sad thing was that he was not drunk and he knew wat he did. I started crying and apologized for hitting him. Because it wasn't the first time I had there was an incident before where I kicked him it took him a long time to forgive me and I'm afraid this time he wants me out of his life! I know we both made a mistake it was completely out of line the sad thing is that he revealed to me he was gonna buy me an engagement ring and now he will never do it. I waited so long to hear those words and now I completely ruined it I feel terrible he wants.nothing to do with me and I'm terrified of loosing him. I'm afraid to be without him I know our actions are bad and disgraceful but we were both drinking I was mad and he was reacted. He told me he didn't want to be with anyone who got him angry enough to do something like that I know this would not of happened if we were sober we were doing great we were having a great time together for the past week or so. It makes me feel completely disoriented I don't know what do. I'm scared to death to loose him I've worked so hard for us to be in a good place and I ruined it! I love him so much what can I do? Can you please tell me I don't want to be without him I messed up and I regret what I did! Is this forgivable? Can you please respond back soon
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.

Hello there Brenda, and I am sorry that things got so hit up between your boyfriend and yourself. I suggest that you go to therapy and see a therapist weekly. I imagined that you witnessed a lot of violence in your childhood and when you are drunk you have a hard time controlling your temper. I think you know that you need to work on your temper. Did your parents have an abusive relationship? It is very important for you when you get angry to learn the signs of feeing very angry you may see your head is feeling hot or your hands are clinched. Before you do anything call a woman friend and tell her what you are going through such as I am ready to punch my boyfriend I am so angry. You can even go out and take a walk and have the conversation with your self. For instance, you can say to yourself I am so angry I feel like I am going to blow up. Use the anger scale see a scale from 1-10 10 the angriest you have been one not angry where are you? Say I am at 7 and I feel I can say something wrong. What do I need to do to calm myself down. Say you will take a walk for 10 minutes to cool down then check t he anger scale if is down to 5 you can talk to your boyfriend. Stop worring what will happen if he leaves he will not leave. If he seas that you are serious about changing this behavior. I also have been wondering if a good psychiatric evaluation for depression would be in order for you. Please talk to your doctor if the behavior is new because thyroid and vitamin D deficiency can create that . Please press accept if this help so I can get paid.

Let me know if this helps.

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.

Hello there Brenda, and I am sorry that things got so hit up between your boyfriend and yourself. I suggest that you go to therapy and see a therapist weekly. I imagined that you witnessed a lot of violence in your childhood and when you are drunk you have a hard time controlling your temper. I think you know that you need to work on your temper. Did your parents have an abusive relationship? It is very important for you when you get angry to learn the signs of feeing very angry you may see your head is feeling hot or your hands are clinched. Before you do anything call a woman friend and tell her what you are going through such as I am ready to punch my boyfriend I am so angry. You can even go out and take a walk and have the conversation with your self. For instance, you can say to yourself I am so angry I feel like I am going to blow up. Use the anger scale see a scale from 1-10 10 the angriest you have been one not angry where are you? Say I am at 7 and I feel I can say something wrong. What do I need to do to calm myself down. Say you will take a walk for 10 minutes to cool down then check t he anger scale if is down to 5 you can talk to your boyfriend. Stop worring what will happen if he leaves he will not leave. If he seas that you are serious about changing this behavior. I also have been wondering if a good psychiatric evaluation for depression would be in order for you. Please talk to your doctor if the behavior is new because thyroid and vitamin D deficiency can create that . Please press accept if this help so I can get paid.

Let me know if this helps.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
My parents did fight a lot verbal and physical...I would always sit at their door hoping they would open it and stop the fighting for me...there was times that my big brother would see me listening and grab me and put me in a closet and cover my ears. I always blamed myself for the fighting...my dad is also very jealous to my mom I know she is not happy but won't leave him because she is afraid of being alone. How do you know my boyfriend wont leave? I can't help but worry that he will. This morning when he woke up I asked him if we could talk he said yes I asked him if what he had told me last night about him not wanting to be with someone like me and not loving me anymore was true and he said yes. But then I asked him again if he loved me and he said yes and if still wanted to be with me and he said yes...he is acting normal but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells I don't want to mess up again...does he really want to be with me? After what happened? Would you be able to recommend a therapist in my area?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
Hello Brenda I don't know any therapist in your area but you can look in Psychology Today and put your zip code. You need to find someone very empathetic that understands trauma in childhood, anxiety and attachment disorders. My feeling is that your boyfriend loves you and wants to be with you men say what they feel to my experience. He forgives you and you have to let your fears go. Talk to a co-worker about your fears. My feeling is that you could use a support system such as a group you like an dance class for women. I suggest taking a class that makes you feel sexy such as bellydancing. You can meet nice women there that you can hung out with.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So what can I do now? To make up with him? He's not showing his anger towards me but I can feel him being upset and disappointed. What would you do in my shoes to make him feel better? Sex is out of the question right? I love him but how can I show him without having to tell him? Patience? I truly do love him and I am so sorry for what I did.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
Brenda time and seeing that you changed your behavior will make him feel better. I would try to be patient and show him that I can change. Make him his faborite meal give him a massage just be kind to him. Most of all try hard to not show anger. Yes this will take time because he is hurt also, but he is hurt because he loves you. Relationships are a lot of work just keep trying.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So is sex out of the question? He took me to work today because his car broke down and I let him borrow mine so he could run some errands while I was at work when I called him to pick me up he took 15 minutes because he was at his friends house. It got me angry and I showed anger I am very impatient. So when I asked him where he was I said kinda rude and yelled at me? Is it because he's getting frustrated with me? Or tired of having to deal with? But he usually is never late. Am I overreacting? Considering the fact that we had a huge fight a couple days before. I wish I knew how to deal with this and control myself. Afterwards I felt bad and told myself I should have been more patient but I think that was a little too late...I can tell he's angry but he's not showing it he's acting normal...but I can feel his distancing I kinda feel he doesn't even want to be with me. Like if I'm a pain in the butt for him.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So is sex out of the question? He took me to work today because his car broke down and I let him borrow mine so he could run some errands while I was at work when I called him to pick me up he took 15 minutes because he was at his friends house. It got me angry and I showed anger I am very impatient. So when I asked him where he was I said kinda rude and yelled at me? Is it because he's getting frustrated with me? Or tired of having to deal with? But he usually is never late. Am I overreacting? Considering the fact that we had a huge fight a couple days before. I wish I knew how to deal with this and control myself. Afterwards I felt bad and told myself I should have been more patient but I think that was a little too late...I can tell he's angry but he's not showing it he's acting normal...but I can feel his distancing I kinda feel he doesn't even want to be with me. Like if I'm a pain in the butt for him.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
Brenda you need to relax, he got upset he should not have screamed at you. It looks like both of you need patience. I think you are overreacting.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok so I should give him time...and no sex? Do you think he will ever propose?
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
I can't tell you if you should give him sex or not. If you are not in the mood don't have it because of him but don't withhold to punish either. I think it depends how you feel. You can tell him that you are hurt and you don't like him to scream. Tell him that you will try to be more patient.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you think he will ever attempt to propose...or should I not focus on that? Since we already live together.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 2 years ago.
Brenda have fun and don't focus on that yet. Just have fun and relax.

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