You have misinterpreted what I was trying to say to you, which really means I did
not express myself clearly enough. Let us go back over those statements.
1) I said, "If you want to win him back you might have to become available to him again, but you should only do this if you have a keen desire to be with him. If you are blocked because of emotional considerations, then this is where therapy comes in."
What I meant by "win him back" and thought I implied was that right now, if you want to win him back as a husband who loves you and desires you and just doesn't use you as an adjunct to his chronic masturbation, then you must be put in a position where he really wants YOU as a flesh and blood wife that he loves, and not as a sex object. Obviously, because of the way he treats you, you cannot possibly have a keen desire for him. It is HE that must give you that keen desire again by once again seeing you as the woman he loves and desires.
In other word, there is no way you could or should make yourself available to him. You said that you are no longer physical with him, and I wholeheartedly agree with you that this is natural and correct behavior. I am certainly NOT telling you to be his sex object. I complete the sentence by stating that in order for this to happen he will have to go to counseling with you ("this is where therapy comes in").
2) I said, "If you are unwilling or emotionally unable to be with him physically, then he will turn to masturbation, and pornography is basically a masturbation aid."
He has already done this, but not because you have been unavailable, but because he has dehumanized himself. I am certainly not implying that this is your doing. It is HIS doing. You had been available. If he was still sexually stimulated after Viagra then he could have continued making love to you instead of sneaking off to his computer. And when you found out, you felt that you were being cheated on, which in a sense you were. Many other women feel this way when their husbands become porno addicts. It is a huge turn off for them, and they do become emotionally unavailable for lovemaking after that.
This is a problem that HE has caused, not you. You are the victim, and his behavior has shut off your passion for him, and it has also turned you into a sex object in his eyes. Women are emotionally intelligent and you could and can feel that change in him.
Please forgive me if I had not been clear enough. You have been victimized, abused in a sense, and now are suffering the consequences. If he doesn't seek help, then things will contiue to deteriorate.
Your response to your husband is natural, understandable, and probably unavoidable. If someone slaps you hard every day you will change your attitude about that person, but it won't be your fault.
I wish you the very best.
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC