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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Our 26 year marriage has had its difficulties. Recently I thought that we were in a

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Our 26 year marriage has had it's difficulties. Recently I thought that we were in a pretty good place. A few days ago I discovered that my husband had a collection of porn videos on our computer. They mistakenly were in a file of photos of our grandkids. He defends it by saying that it relieves the after affects from taking Viagra. He ended up getting "put out" with me because I always go to the dark side - think the worst, blame myself. At this point, I'd like to toss in some sarcasm/humor, but I don't have it in me. I have read the Porn article from 2005 as well as other articles. Of course some defend it and some condemn it. My question is, I am not sure how to feel, what to believe. I think that I am attractive for my age and amd not stupid but her can easily talk me down.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Pornography is often destructive because it creates a fake ideal woman and in consequence, sets up an ideal that most wives/girlfriends cannot meet (for they are not 19 year old starlets willing to do anything to please the man, and always are thrilled by whatever they are commanded to do.)

Some couples benefit from pornography when it is used as a marriage aid, but more often, the man spills his sexual energy on a digital or print image and the wife/girlfriend is left out.

If the counselor is ineffective for both parties (and perhaps she is being too dogmatic) then you should try a secular marriage and family counselor that you both like and in whom you have confidence.

If you are unwilling or emotionally unable to be with him physically, then he will turn to masturbation, and pornography is basically a masturbation aid.

Why is he taking Viagra if he is not with you? If it is just to masturbate then he could not stimulate himself so.

If you want to win him back you might have to become available to him again, but you should only do this if you have a keen desire to be with him. If you are blocked because of emotional considerations, then this is where therapy comes int.

I recommend that you find a Marriage and Family Therapist who is ALSO a certified sex counselor and specializes in sexual problems.

Until you can recapture the love and trust between the two of you, the physical relationship will work. It must be based on caring and emotion. His task is to close down the porn and direct his energy and emotion towards you, and you must forgive him if he truly repents from the behavior and help to redirect his passion towards you.

This is a process and an effective counselor will be an asset for you. If you both have a will you will find a way. Sit down and talk this over with him and try to both move forward to rekindle your relationship and not let it hollow out into an empty shell. You must take action and persevere. The first step is the most important, and I think this commication with JA was a good start showing your positive intentions.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I appreciate what you have sent. Unfortunately, my husband says that he is doing "nothing wrong". He claims that after he takes the Viagra he needs the porn to help him masturbate to relieve the additional affects after he has had sex with me....I have done a little research on Viagra and the claims made don't match his defense. I guess that I need to go it alone as far as therapy is concerned. I admit that going this (online therapist) route has been an act of desparation. I don't even watch Dr. !Phil.

 

I am sorry to say that I am VERY uncomfortable with your statement: "If you want to win him back AND the threat that he will turn to masturbation if I do not respond to him sexually. WOW! That's a big order for someone who has just been flattened - and in a way blamed - not for the use of porn but for my response. I'm sorry but I am struggling with this.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear friend,

You have misinterpreted what I was trying to say to you, which really means I did not express myself clearly enough. Let us go back over those statements.

1) I said, "If you want to win him back you might have to become available to him again, but you should only do this if you have a keen desire to be with him. If you are blocked because of emotional considerations, then this is where therapy comes in."

What I meant by "win him back" and thought I implied was that right now, if you want to win him back as a husband who loves you and desires you and just doesn't use you as an adjunct to his chronic masturbation, then you must be put in a position where he really wants YOU as a flesh and blood wife that he loves, and not as a sex object. Obviously, because of the way he treats you, you cannot possibly have a keen desire for him. It is HE that must give you that keen desire again by once again seeing you as the woman he loves and desires.

In other word, there is no way you could or should make yourself available to him. You said that you are no longer physical with him, and I wholeheartedly agree with you that this is natural and correct behavior. I am certainly NOT telling you to be his sex object. I complete the sentence by stating that in order for this to happen he will have to go to counseling with you ("this is where therapy comes in").

2) I said, "If you are unwilling or emotionally unable to be with him physically, then he will turn to masturbation, and pornography is basically a masturbation aid."

He has already done this, but not because you have been unavailable, but because he has dehumanized himself. I am certainly not implying that this is your doing. It is HIS doing. You had been available. If he was still sexually stimulated after Viagra then he could have continued making love to you instead of sneaking off to his computer. And when you found out, you felt that you were being cheated on, which in a sense you were. Many other women feel this way when their husbands become porno addicts. It is a huge turn off for them, and they do become emotionally unavailable for lovemaking after that.

This is a problem that HE has caused, not you. You are the victim, and his behavior has shut off your passion for him, and it has also turned you into a sex object in his eyes. Women are emotionally intelligent and you could and can feel that change in him.

Please forgive me if I had not been clear enough. You have been victimized, abused in a sense, and now are suffering the consequences. If he doesn't seek help, then things will contiue to deteriorate.

Your response to your husband is natural, understandable, and probably unavoidable. If someone slaps you hard every day you will change your attitude about that person, but it won't be your fault.

I wish you the very best.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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