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Karyn Jones
Karyn Jones, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1716
Experience:  Diploma of Counselling and Transactional Analysis Counselling, Lifeline counselling, Pastoral Care.
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My husband tells me hell change when I change. Its hard

Customer Question

My husband tells me he'll change when I change. It's hard to respect someone who clearly has no respect for me. He speaks to me nasty, condesending, calls me names, so I defend myself with the same or similar treatment. I don't know if changing into a nice person will change him. Should I take the risk?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Karyn Jones replied 5 years ago.
Hello my name is Karyn thank you for bringing your concerns/worries to Just Answer...re:this very difficult and stressful situation within your relationship..and I truly feel for you 'both' in this as not very easy to say the very least..
It seems that presently you both seem to be 'bouncing' off each other in a very offensive/defensive way ..which unfortunately has lead to bringing out the 'worst' in each other sadly...whereby it has most likely also impacted greatly upon your own values and principles as human beings. Has it always been this way between you I wonder ? was there ever a time where you both felt loved, cared for and truly respected and appreciated within your marriage?
If so what has changed that over the years and bought you both to the point of your protecting your individual integrity..and not each others?
If there has been a time within your marriage/relationship where you really doted and uplifted each other can this ever be revived again?..or do you feel its too late for that?
What happened to your both being nice and respectful towards each other?
Have you always feared giving the best of yourself right from the beginning? ...has your husband 'never' given you his love/true appreciation/ worth /and respect in return?

This must be very painful for you both...to see each other 'slip away' into a world of defensiveness and verbal abuses..which will surely only add much more of a strain on your already delicate relationship/marriage...
I suspect that you are both on an emotional defensive merry -go- round at the moment..with neither wanting to compromise or jump off it...and so it keeps going round.
Try to retrace steps back to the time when you really appreciated either other and why you were attracted to each other in the 'first place' ( a trip down memory lane if you like)
there must have been something....
To be perfectly honest with you, you are both taking a risk with your marriage, for if there is no quality of communication, ( where you can't just sit down and talk hear one another out) then things will gradually become much worse, and whatever you may' feel for each other will erode away completely....
If you are having trouble working this out then via a very successful non- blaming, non defensive dialogue ( posted below ) used by many' couples to enhance better communication.. you might have better results..But, it would be even better when used at the right' time' in the right' moment..where you are both not in a hurry or are busy with pressing engagements elsewhere.

http://www.relationshipjourney.com/dialtips.html
http://www.angriesout.com/couples5.htm

Failing this it may be a good idea to try to discuss seeking professional couples counseling to help you both work through any particular grievances or hurts the may be tucked way down deep inside...
I have also posted you a few professional therapy sites below to help in this should you take this route...
I truly believe that as a married couple that you need to take the risk together to help put your marriage back on track..and to help you rebuild those 'broken' relational steps that have disintegrated over time...
I only pray that you will give each other a chance at this and to forgive each other ...My thoughts are with you please know this...and I sincerely hope that my response has proved an encouragement to you...if it has then please 'accept' it as it also helps to keep this very valuable service going for you and others alike in the future...
May God bless and keep you always..
kindest thoughts
Karyn J (ProfClinicalDipCounBmin)

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

http://www.goodtherapy.org/

http://family-marriage-counseling.com/

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