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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi. I have been merried to my husband for about 5 yrs. He wa

Resolved Question:

Hi. I have been merried to my husband for about 5 yrs. He was the dream of my life. The last couple of months his buissness deteriorated. He is a closed man, never talks about anything, always kept all to himself, inside. So last couple of months, he became colder and colder. Stoped going out with me and he changed. completely. He cant fall asleep at night, dont want to be near me or talk to me, His sex drive is 0. I thing he is in a deep depression. He told me lately that he dont feel anything towards me and never had any feelings which is not thrue. Hes actions proven otherwise during the years. I feel so helpless, I cant live without him. He eaven moved to another room and dont sleep with me in the same bad. I am lost. Any suggestions? I know he does not have any one else, like a lover. He pushes all the loved ones away: like me and his mother. He does't have anybody else. All what was once enjoyable for him is not anymore. He buriied himself into his job. Comes home 11-12 pm and go to sleep. I try to talk to him but he closed out totally. Only work and his motorcycle. thats it. He is like a zombie, a different man with cold heart and no feelings at all. And I know its not him at all.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

I agree with you, it sounds like your husband is depressed. A job loss can easily cause depression and it is a common reaction to losing a job.

 

Men see their jobs as part of who they are. They put a lot of their identity into what they do and who they are at work. When they lose a job, they tend to "lose" themselves and feel worthless. Your husband's withdrawal is part of that. He feels that he is no longer able to support you or your family and therefore be a valuable member of the family.

 

One of the main problems when men become depressed is that they deny they are depressed, so it becomes difficult to convince them to seek help. They believe that depression shows weakness and seeking help is out of the question because getting help would prove the weakness. If men cannot solve the problem themselves, they tend to ignore it.

 

But your husband cannot ignore his depression. He needs treatment and it should be the first priority to get him into see a therapist. As his wife, you do have the right to tell him that he must get help, for the good of the family. He needs to realize that you need him and in order for him to be effective and help the family, he must help himself first. Then help him make an appointment. Offer to go with him if he wants. To find a therapist, have him contact his doctor for a referral. Or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/. Do whatever you need to do to convince him to go.

 

Use any resources you have such as friends, family and church family to help. See if there is anyone who is willing to talk with your husband to convince him he needs help and to offer support.

 

You can also help him at home. There are numerous resources to use to help him see he needs help. Here are some to get you started:

 

http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm

 

Undoing Depression: What Therapy Doesn't Teach You and Medication Can't Give You by Richard O'Connor

 

Talking to Depression: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life is Depressed: Simple Ways To Connect When Someone In Your Life Is Depressed by Claudia J. Strauss and Martha Manning

 

Overcoming Depression: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by Paul Gilbert

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Keep trying to connect with your husband. Talk to him, let him talk, be sympathetic and try to encourage him. Job loss is difficult, but he is not alone. There are resources to help him get back on his feet and look for a new job, especially with the economy how it is. Once he works through his depression, he will have many opportunities to find work. But don't forget this is stressful for you as well. If you feel it is becoming too much of a burden, seek help for yourself. Talking to a mental health professional can go a long way in helping you feel better.

 

I hope this helps,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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