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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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The past two nights my wife has questioned my wanting to be

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The past two nights my wife has questioned my wanting to be with her. Knowing that we had a very busy week ahead of us and would not see each other Monday thru Friday this week. On Saturday I suggested we take a bath together and be intimate but continued to finish the romantic comedy we were watching then was turning on the computer to turn hulu so we would have some background as we have four kids and it was only 8:30 at night. She took that as me not being interested. I explained my thoughts and we continued to have a meaning bath and intimacy. ON Sunday she made the statement that she wanted to be with me again on Sunday evening at 9:00 PM. we had a good day took a nap together after church made dinner together with all the kids watched a movie then I had to pack for the week and did so. I finished at 9:25. I came in the room she was short cool I asked what was wrong she said she had been interrupted 7 times. So I finished getting ready for bed. I got into bed i cuddle up next to her as she finished the chapter that she was reading. She rolled over I asked her if she was ok? She said she was fine. I continued to rub her back I told her I love her. She was unresponsive. after 40 minutes she rolled over to inform me that once again I did not want to be with her. I was dumb founded. How is that? She said because I answered a text, set a clock on the oven before I came in the room and was 20 minutes later than 9:00 I didn't care about her and she was unimportant. I said I was treated like Carela DeVille cold as ice when I came into the room. She got out of bed and went to the couch. This upset me so I picked up my stuff I had packed for the week and took it to the car. I came back in and it was the same stuff everything is more important than her. I felt like I had backed myself in a corner so at 11:15 at night I left. She texted me "Please be careful. I love you and will miss u this week." I replied "Y?" she answered "y What?" and I said "B careful b missed y luv me I'm just a cluster" and she then texted "Stop texting and driving. Its too dangerous. I don't want you to get hurt." So at that point I never responded. Then I finally got a text this morning at 7:42 "Did u make it safely to Columbia?" I'm at a loss I love her very much I don't know what to say? She had an affair two years ago its over we went to counseling up to 6 months ago. Her father died in July and things have been good but I have been extremely stressed with work and with finances and we I have been gone a lot with work. I emotionally can not handle it when she questions her importance to me. I don't know how to respond yes I made it safe the end or do I apologize for childish behavior for leaving last night? I feel like I'm always apologizing.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like there is a communication issue with you and your wife. She is saying that she feels unimportant and you are saying that you always feel you have done something wrong and have to apologize.

 

She feels that when you set up time to be with her, you put it off by completing other tasks, such as finishing a movie, setting up Hulu and taking your time packing. You mentioned that you set up certain times to be with your wife, which is a good way to say she is important. But when you delay those times and make her wait, she feels unimportant.

 

On the other hand, she is not being clear about how she feels. She needs to tell you specifics. For example, if you set up time to be together at 9 pm and you need to complete a task that takes until 9:15, then she should say to you that you are late and she feels hurt. Then talk with you about it until it is resolved. Giving you the cold shoulder only makes you feel hurt as well.

 

From her concern about your well being on your trip, it does sound like your wife cares very much about you. She is telling you that she does not feel close to you, however. Women appreciate being the most important person in their husband's life, as husband's feel they want to be important to their wives. That means that when you travel, she will be concerned about you. In turn, you can let her know that you are ok. Being concerned with each other's feelings is a good way to feel intimate and connected.

 

You can also let her know that you are feeling overwhelmed at work and with your responsibilities. Tell her that your distraction or need to get things done does not mean you do not care. Make time to be with her, just like you have done and try to stick with the time you set. If you cannot, then tell her that you are running behind and set a new time. Touch her when you do this and give her your full attention. She will feel important and you will get the time you need to finish your work.

 

There are many ways to learn better communication and how to treat each other. Here are some resources to help:

 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/good-communication-in-marriage-starts-with-respect/

 

Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson

 

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

 

The more you can learn to respect each other, the better your communication.

 

I hope this helps,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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