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Ralph LMHC
Ralph LMHC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  20+ years as therapist, supervisor, clinic director at mental health, substance abuse treatment ctrs
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Hi, I have dated my partner for a year. Hes 30 and Im 35.

Resolved Question:

Hi, I have dated my partner for a year. He's 30 and I'm 35. Gradually I have lost myself with our relationship because he constantly blames me of everything. If I try to even suggest to see also how his behavior is affecting on things, he gets angry, withraws affection and says I have ruined this relationship and if I just had done how he has told, we would have perfect relationship but now it's ruined. He has put all his effort and we are unbalanced because I don't treat him well. I have sought so many faults from myself, constantly thought about the wrong things I have done, try to surprise him with nice things but it's never enough. I realise it's not only me but he's so convincing that when I'm in his company I feel like a complete failure. At the same time he's constantly busy, makes me wait, critizes how I don't care enough, cook enough, surprise him enough, treat him well enough and anyone else would have already left me. I feel guilty. I feel bad and I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ralph LMHC replied 5 years ago.

Ralph LMHC :

I will be on after 3pm EST. In the meantime I would like to give you something to think about. Initially, the idea of dating is to see if the problems can be worked out and if the couple is compatable so that the relation can blossom. In other words dating is an exploration period. Sometimes it works where as other times it doesn't as I said the dating period is to explore. One thing that may help in the process is couples therapy. An excellent professional referral can be obtained from the AAMFT.Org. Hope this has helped and I look forward to speaking with you later.

Ralph LMHC :

Sincerely,

Ralph LMHC :

Ralph LMHC

Customer:

Thank you for your answer. I understand dating is getting to know another person and try to think whether he/she is a good match. I believe we are in many aspects compatible, we have same future aspirations, our values are same, we enjoy doing and going same kind of places and we are very attracted to each other. my concern is my boyfriend's behavior in situations were we don't agree on things. He instantly blames me for all the problems, adding also previous issues on the list, tries to proof me quilty and won't seek understanding or common ground. He then withdraws whether I agree or not and sulks for days making me feel I'm the problem. He has also thrown things when he gets angry and this behaviour makes me scared. I feel like I need to watch what I say constantly. The most difficult situation is if I show any kind of anger. If I feel upset, that threathens him and he says I treat him like a dog. And my anger is not towards him, it might be for example in the situation where I have lost my bus ticket and get annoyed about it.

Customer:

I still would like to add, that in the beginning of the relationship I wanted to take things really slowly as I got really hurt in my previous relationship (I was married for 4 years). My boyfriend wanted to commit much earlier and so I agreed. I felt uncertain about many things mainly because my ex used all kind of abuse. And it worries me I'm starting to see the same kind of things in this relationship. Sametimes I wonder if I'm making wrong assumptions. The fact is I was pretty down in the beginning of our relatioship and my boyfriend took it very hard. In his opinion I should have been there for him and support him more. I tried to explain about my situation and even got professional help which helped. And now he wants I make up for him still and this was 8 months ago and it seems that no matter what I do, he doesn't believe I love him. He says his feelings will be gone totally if I don't change. I have tried to do things as he wishes but he's not happy. He won't show any appriciation of the things or say that's not what he wants. How long can one try? Especially when I'm not even sure I own him anything, he just makes me feel guilty...

Ralph LMHC :

Candidly he souds very controlling and threatening. A relationship that is not based on mutuality does not indicate a positive outcome. I hope to speak to you more about it around 3PM Eastern Time.

Customer:

That is how his behavior feels indeed. And yes, the outcome has not been good. I feel uneasy and confused. The problem is I don't know how to respond to him, is there anything I could do or should I just move on? I know he has very controlling father and has had many issues in the past. He was obese and bullied at school, his faher is controlling workaholic and he has had only very short term relationships before which have ended badly (he says all his exes are bitches), they have cheated him or just left him hanging. When trying to ask about the past relationships he just gets really angry and blames me not realizing how badly people have treated him. And then the other side of him which is completely opposite, caring, fun, excating, loving and friendly. But as the behavior is not constant and the good sides are more and more rare I wonder what options do I have left.

Ralph LMHC :

Hello

Ralph LMHC :

I wonder what you gain out of what sounds like a rather toxic relations. I might also suggest that you consider individual counseling for support and to help you make productive decisions. In addition if you are in psychic pain, you might consider a psychiatrist for medication.

Customer:

At the moment I gain nothing much. We have our good times but they are decreasing and I want to know how to improve if just possible. I love my boyfriend and i just want to weight all the options before doing any decisions. I guess it does not look good at the moment because he doesn't see any problem in his behaviour, only me is the problem. We have thought of a break but I don't know if it would help in the end, he still has his personality and I have mine.

Ralph LMHC :

Well I do not think the picture is bright or the outlook for a happy resolution is there. You may still wish to try couples therapy, but agin the prognosis is dubious. If this answer has been helpful, please press the accept button so I can be compensated for my time.

Ralph LMHC :

sincerly,

Ralph LMHC :

Ralph LMHC

Customer:

Thank you for your help and suggestions. I still would like to know what in your opinion would be required to change relationship that is unhealthy? So many times I think it's me and I have to change myself. I feel like giving up too easily.

Ralph LMHC :

Ibelieves a basic agreement on the two parties that there is a need for both of them to a change ans awillingness to work on some change probably through the use of a 3rd party. A good referral can be obtained at www.aamft.org.

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