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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married

Resolved Question:

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for the past 7years. He is 49 and I am 56. Up until 4 years ago our intimate relationship with each other was absolutely fine and enjoyable, however this has declined significantly to the extend that we have made love exactly once this year. I have approached him and tried to speak to him about this and how to remedy the problem and just to find out if there is a problem which he is aware of. Nothing has come of these discussions except frustration. He brought up this subject about a week ago again (the first time that he has initiated the discussion) and said it was serious concern of his) Last night I raised it again as I find it completely foreign that he has absolutely no interest in love making what so ever, only to find out that he became really concerned when nothing happened when he decided to masturbate that morning. How do I react to this, right now I feel totally rejected or rather redundant
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Whenever a person changes a usually normal behavior like your husband has, going from a normal sex drive to a withdrawal, the first step is to see if there is a medical reason for the change. Often, with men in middle age, their testosterone declines and they start to lose the sex drive they enjoyed in early adulthood. Although it is a very normal response to aging, many men become uncomfortable with acknowledging there is a problem. They feel embarrassed and feel that their manhood is in question. Men do not share problems and difficulties like women do, so they often keep the problem to themselves, even with their wives.

 

If your husband is willing, have him see his doctor for a checkup. You can mention your concerns to the doctor, but it is probably best to allow your husband to address this alone. If there is no physical cause to your husband's lack of interest, then it has to do with him or his perception of your relationship.

 

Some of the most common reasons men lose interest in sex in their marriages (besides physical reasons) are:

 

No longer interested in sex- many men just lose interest.

 

Stress

 

Job problems

 

Family problems

 

It is very understandable that you feel rejected. But this is not about you and your ability to be there for your husband. This is an issue your husband is having. Getting him to communicate why he feels this way would help you both solve the problem.

 

One thing you can do is see a therapist. If he will not go with you, go on your own. You need support to help work on your feelings about this situation. Talk to your doctor for a referral or search on line at http://www.psychotherapy.co.za/.

 

You can also learn more about what may be happening in your marriage. Here are some resources to help:

 

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire by Michele Weiner-Davis

 

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide by Michele Weiner-Davis

 

The 30-Day Sex Solution: How to Build Intimacy, Enhance your Sex Life, and Strengthen Your Relationship on One Month's Time by Victoria Zdrok Wilson and XXXXX XXXXX

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

If your husband can overcome his feelings and begin to share what is wrong, you both can work on this problem and get back the sex life you enjoyed before.

 

I hope this has helped,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.