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Ask Dr. Ed Wilfong Your Own Question

Dr. Ed Wilfong
Dr. Ed Wilfong, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1528
Experience:  Twenty-five years treating all ages; Specialities: psychopharmacology & diagnosis, MMPI-2, testing.
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Is it common to not reach an orgasm or cum during vaginal

Resolved Question:

Is it common to not reach an orgasm or "cum" during vaginal sex, in my first time?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Ed Wilfong replied 5 years ago.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

It is very common not to ejaculate during early sexual experience. It is typically just anxiety. Just don't let this freak you out or make you think something is wrong with you. Hopefully, you have a nice partner who can understand this and just relax and enjoy practicing. It will eventually "come"

Customer:

is there anything i can do my own time that can help relieve anxiety before having sex with a girl? (besides masterbation, because i was very nervous on my first time and i was slightly embarrassed that i wasn't able to "come")

Customer:

my "first time" was a couple of months ago and im currently seeing this girl that really wants to have sex with me and i am slightly nervous this would happen again....any suggestions?

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

I think everybody is anxious at first. Most people have some difficulties at first. The most important thing is to realize that this is normal and not make yourself more anxious. Sometimes it becomes "we just have to have sex" and try to force it. Let sex happen as part of a fun experience. More spontaneously than planned.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

How did she react?

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Were you able to maintain erection?

Customer:

yes i was fully erect but was not able to "come" so to speak, but even though i was fully erect i really didn't feel close to "coming" because i wasn't that aroused, don't know why....she didn't really react because we performed other things as well that wasn't vaginal sex, but i could sense she wasn't satisfied....understandably

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Usually women aren't real disappointed if you don't come. Were you using condom?

Customer:

i was not, i think that might have played a part in my anxiety, she said she was on the pill, but since it was my first time, i was a bit reluctunt

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

I think that reluctance plus anxiety of first time interfered with ability to enjoy.

Customer:

i just forgot to add....

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

This is easier said than done, but you have to focus on the moment and the pleasure and not worry.

Customer:

she's 4 years older than me

Customer:

does that play a role?

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

does that make you more anxious?

Customer:

in the sense that she's more experienced and that the standards are higher, a little bit....but i tend to always go for older girls anyways so i dont think that affected my anxiety too much

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Are you referring to new girl or firtst time

Customer:

the first time

Customer:

the current one is only a year older

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

I think older can be helpful or inhibiting, depending on how you look at it. Having someone more experienced for first time can make it scarier that you will not perform. You can also look at it as someone to help you learn.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

One thing that can really inhibit a guy is worrying about if he is pleasing woman and forgetting about own pleasure. Focus and you feeling good and that will help you and her enjoy it more.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

meant focus on you

Customer:

i see what you mean, i also wanted to ask...to what extent does the attractiveness of the girl play a role in this? i mean in my arousal, is my arousal and erection up to my brain or my penis during the sex?

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

More in your brain, but anxiety and what you think will certainly "tell your penis" and influence it. I would have difficulty if not attracted to someone.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Also, alcohol/drugs can effect performance (if relevent)

Customer:

alright, yes thats not an issue because i dont drink (due to sports) and dont take any medication or drugs

Customer:

well thanks a lot for the help

Customer:

it's a big weight of my shoulders

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

do you feel a little better about this?

Customer:

i feel a little less anxious knowing it's normal on a first time

Customer:

i'm still slightly nervous il be thinking of satisfying my current girl too much

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

and don't freak if it happens again. Happens to everyone once in a while. Like sports, it does take practice and getting relaxed during the performance. Just like you must relax and be natural during sports, sex is same way. Draw on that experience.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

If you are enjoying it, she will to. Don't "worry" about her.

Customer:

and as long as im erect its normal and will only get better by relaxing (and practice)?

Customer:

ok

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Yes, and it would likely help to talk to her (scarey I know). Who knows, she may be nervous too. You don't have to go into all the details but a little chat about wanting to please her and being a little nervous can't hurt.

Customer:

ye i think i'd do that, im just a little intimidated because she's very attractive and has plenty of experience on her side, so being fully erect and not being able to "come" is likely down to anxiety and/or lack of practice? i'm just trying to grasp what i'm dealing with because i want to be mentally at ease while with her...

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

then just talk to her. If she is understanding, you have a good partner. If she is not understanding, not sure how much I would like her. Sometime you don't have to say much. Just letting it out can work wonders. Try to talk when you are not in the Midst of foreplay - at a more relaxed, casual time.

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Let her teach you how to have fun....

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

Once you hit your first shot, you'll be fine.

Customer:

thanks, XXXXX XXXXX the support, will try and relax and just "have fun"

Dr. Ed Wilfong :

you are welcome

Customer:

should i worry about coming before or after she does?

Dr. Ed Wilfong and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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