Thanks for your response.
I understand my OCD pretty well. Unfortunately, the symptoms are always worse when I am back home.
I was assaulted three times by the same person over a 10 year period. The most recent attack was about 2 years ago. It was someone I had dated but broke it off with after the first time I was treated poorly. The relationship lasted about 2 years. It may help you to know that the assaults were all sexual which somehow makes it worse. I wish I was just punched around instead.
I feel so sad about it at times and keep going because of my daughter. But some days I just feel like I am going to lose it. I get impatient, frustrated and feel very angry inside.
These are not feelings I am used to feeling. I kept all the assaults to myself until about 18 months ago. I never told anyone and besides my therapist, no one really knows all that was done and happened to me. It was pretty bad.
I feel ashamed and I know this is a normal response but I can`t even look people in the eye when I talk to them. I think about self-harm all the time because it is something I feel I am in control of. Plus it gives a release that nothing else that I have found does. But I am very ashamed and embarrassed about it.
I try to redirect myself by going for walks, journaling (which sometimes makes me feel worse but other times gives me an outlet for my bad feelings), reading, etc.
I do take medication for Night Terrors that I get but I still have bad dreams and sometimes cannot sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning. I hate night times. Too much time to think.
Do you think that my attachment to my therapist is too clingy since I can`t seem to handle it too well when she is away even for a short time. Am I normal that it upsets me like this. I worry about becoming too attached to her or anybody really. I think it is best to rely on yourself and then you won`t become disappointed.
I know I`ve written a lot. But I am having a particularily tough time keeping my sad thoughts away today.