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Hi their, friend,
I will be happy to talk with you if you are online.
What makes you think that your daughter has NPD?
We are living in a time when our civilization is failing, while moral values are declining, and we have entered a period when several generations are already in decline in many ways. There is a sizable minority of mothers like your daughter. These MTV generation children have their own style and do not understand the requirements of parenting.
You have not responded to my original question. Are you indeed online?
I am not unfamiliar with the symptoms of NPD as I have researched and talked with a counselor. My daughter is obsessed with her beauty and continually draws attention to herself. She must always have her way, if anyone disagrees with her she reacts with anger almost to the point of tantrums and then simply cuts that person out of her life. She is financially irresponsible and has put her family to the point where they have lost their home and are preparing to file bankruptcy, but she continues to buy what she wants or to spend money on rock concerts she wants to attend. She is a 43 year old mother who acts like a 15 year old. I could go on and on with examples, but trust me she has been like this since she was a small child.
Hello, are you there?
If she has been this way for perhaps 35 years, and has been a mother for 15 of those years, then it may be very difficult to reach her, let alone get her to change her behavior. This has to be highly frustrating for you and has finally led to your diagnosis for Adjustment Disorder (situation depression is one aspect of it). You might also have anxiety as a result.
You should have access to talk therapy, in addition to the medication (or rather than the medication). You will have to learn to cope with this situation because it will be difficult or impossible for you to change your daughter's behavior, and unless she is putting herself or her children at risk - as defined by the legal system rather than by you - you will not be able to coerce her to get help.
I am sure that she NEEDS intervention very badly, and that she is causing real harm to her children, but the court will probably not intervene.
I know my daughter is not going to change because she believes there is nothing wrong with her. My real question is as grandmother, what can I do to help my grandchildren cope with their mother? I have come to terms and understand my relationship with my daughter cannot be a close one, this is for my own mental health.
Treatment for NPD is very difficult. The first difficulty is the refusal to accept treatment. Obviously, you are well versed on the subject, having done lots of research. Let me respond to your last post, momentarily.
As a grandmother, who wants to help and wants to help yourself therapeutically by positive intervention (which is absolutely the CORRECT thing to do), you must spend quality time with your grandchildren. This may require you to allay your daughter's suspicions, if she has any. Take them on outings of their choice. Do not comment on their style (piercings or tattoos if any) or manner of dress.
Be positive at all times with them. Never criticize their mother. Do not communicate negatively with body language either. You must win them over and set for them a positive role model of a functional parent who acts as a dignified adult. Let them understand what growing up means. You have to provide an alternative positive model for these children. You must win them over slowly with unconditional love. If you need to correct them, you must approach this carefully so as not to push them away.
Your daughter is now the sole role model. You must show something new without directly challenging their mom. This is going to be a process and so will take time. You must persevere and show them that you care. You absolutely WILL make a difference and provide a striking contrast. It is hard when your daughter panders to them. You have to use your influence WITHOUT that juvenile advantage. It may take time, and the children will need to gain maturity, but what you show now will stick with them.
I wish you perseverance and patience in accomplishing this.
I hope that this has given you some direction.
I agree with what you have said. These are all things that I am trying to do, and while I know it is a slow process I guess I just needed to be reassured that it WILL make a difference in my grandchildren's lives. I don't mind telling you it is heartbreaking for me to know that my daughter and I cannot have a close relationship and it is heartbreaking for me to have to worry so about my grandchildren. But thank you for reassuring me.
I am a parent too, and I have gone through similar heartbreaking experiences, and was married to a woman with NPD for many years. I have persevered with one child who was a problem, and now, finally, I have had a break through.
Yes patience is the key. I am sorry for your pain, but there is not much you can do with this difficult personality disorder. You have empathy, and alas, she does not. That probably cannot be changed.
God bless you and your family, and keep up the good fight. You have the intelligence and love to win out in the end.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX to see my grandchildren grow up to be responsible adults. I hope I live that long! (Thought I should end this with a little humor)
May you live a long and HAPPY life with the blessing of your grandchildren as your reward.