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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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My husband (K), has been trying to work on his excessive anger

Resolved Question:

My husband (K), has been trying to work on his excessive anger for 18 years. Last week, he became enraged at our teenagers. He had good reason to be angry at our 15 yo. daughter (E), but he followed her into her bedroom and slapped her in the face after lots of yelling from both of them. Our 13 yo. son (D), tried to defend her (K has followed her into her room before, last year to spank her and ended up kicking her too.) and K shoved D toward a railing and slammed his head into an ottoman. They were all screaming at each other. I have been counseled by our therapist to stay out of it when K becomes excessively angry with the kids. I did that. Our 8 yo son was scared and crying.

I used to think it was better for the kids if we stayed together in this marriage, but now I feel like my eyes are opening and I see that the anger and other disrespect K shows me and the kids are clearly having a negative effect on them. He keeps saying he will keep working on his anger and that he has times when he is not excessively angry too. He points out that neither of us is perfect. He wants to stay together and keep working on his anger. I am invested in creating a more mutually respectful, non-chaotic home for the kids.

The other thing is that K is on the road 75% of the month for work.

Do you think it is likely or unlikely that after 18 years of working on his excessive anger, my husband will be able to control himself and not become violent anymore?

Thank you so much.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
Good morning and welcome to Just Answer. First let me say that I am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX hear of the difficulty you and your children have endured over the years as it must have been very difficult on you all. As for your question...in all honesty it's possible for your husband to get control of his anger with frequent therapy and medications given the severity of his anger and the potential for such violent episodes. Having said that, he absolutely has to be willing and actively engaged in treatment for it to be truly effective. My impression is that he tries but does not stay with it or does the follow up necessary.

The present life you and your children have is one of chaos and fear...certainly not the best of places to be in. You've mentioned having been in therapy in the past and if I may ask...have your therapists made any other suggestions besides staying out of it when your husband does this sort of thing?? Also, has child protective services ever been involved??

I realize this is a difficult and trying time for you and I want to be as helpful as possible. If you could kindly offer further insight to the questions I've asked as well as any further information you feel would be helpful for me to know I'd greatly appreciate it. As I mentioned I want to be certain to provide you with a thorough and comprehensive answer to your question. Thank you again for the chance to help you.
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
mindhealer and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your response.
I was first counselled to be calm, but honest when he would go into a rage. We were even instructed to have a quick tag phrase that would signal to him that he needed a break. The problem is that when he goes into a rage, no one and nothing can influence him. He just goes and will not listen to any reasoning. Child services has never been involved because he has never been so physical with any of us. But I see this pattern happening where each time there is a major conflict with the kids, he gets more physical with them. I want that to end NOW. Is it normal for teenagers and parents to have physical altercations? My parents never had that sort of response to my sister or me.
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.

You are sincerely XXXXX XXXXX actually sounds as if this pattern of violent, if not rage-like behavior is worsening. If this is in fact the case, my suggestion would be to consider returning to individual counseling and consider working toward an amicable separation if that's possible. The reason I suggest going back to counseling is to ensure that you have made the healthiest decision for both yourself and for your children. It may even be beneficial to bring your children to a few sessions in order to help them better prepare for that possibility.

 

As for your question, the answer is no. It's not normal at all for parents and children to have physical altercations unless something is very very wrong with one or the other. It sounds as if your husband is going into a state called "blind rage" where he may actually not be aware of his behaviors, but that certainly doesn't excuse them by any means. The most important thing is to ensure that you and your children are in a safe environment.

 

Furthermore, as the adult, parents are supposed to be the ones to exercise rationale and judgment which your husband appears to lose once he's in the above mentioned state.

 

I truly am sorry that you are going through this and I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX I have been helpful in answering your question thoroughly and completely. Please feel free to ask anything further that you may need or if you need clarification on any of the suggestions I've offered you. I hope this finds you well.

 

 

 

 

mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
mindhealer and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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