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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5797
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am in a continual battle in my mind and heart with regards

Resolved Question:

I am in a continual battle in my mind and heart with regards XXXXX XXXXX 40 year old son, whom since Jan. 2011 has been living in my home awaiting prison sentencing. He has continued to make poor choices for himself and because he lives here and I am his mother, it has an effect on me now and actually all of his life. I feel consumed. He currently has a restraining order placed on him by his girlfriend, and he and she have both broken that order (numerous times) and now he sits in jail due to their behavior together. His lawyer states it is always 100% better to not be incarcerated when going before the judge. I feel like this is a Mr. Toad's wild ride and I do not know how to get off with the least amount of damage, and still be support loving, and caring to any and all of us involved. He is calling me (collect) begging pleading, crying to get him out. This has effected my relationships with all the people in my life, because it is so overwhelming and sad to me. These are longtime issues and I just do not know how to fix this for myself.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Your son's behavior is causing you a lot of stress. You are trying to balance being a loving and supportive parent with the stress and grief your son is causing. That is a very hard place to be in.

 

It is important that you care for yourself. You mentioned doing some things like staying involved with grandchildren, resting and staying busy. All of those are great responses to the stress. But you also need someone outside of your family to talk to. A therapist can provide you with an objective point of view, suggestions on how to handle the situation, and overall support to help you through. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor to ask for a referral. Or, if you attend church, your pastor can help. Pastors are often trained in counseling and can offer you support with your faith as well. Or you can search on line for a therapist at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

By seeing a therapist, you can also address some of the long time issues you mentioned. This will help you find different and better ways to cope with your family situation.

 

You also should decide your boundaries with your son. Being supportive is great, but if your son is making poor choices than he needs to not put you in the middle of the situation. That makes you responsible and causes much guilt and stress for you. That is not to say that you should not be there for him, but deciding how much support you can provide helps you and him with boundaries. For example, support your son by being there for court and for helping him local a place to stay when he is out. But draw the line at having him in your home. By having him there, it takes away the very place that is your safe haven. You cannot go home and relax from the stress of the situation. You are living with it 24 hours a day. That is a lot.

 

Also, by not providing a home for your son, you are helping him. That sounds strange, but you help him by forcing him to be more responsible for his behavior. If he feels that you will always help him when he does the wrong thing, then he has less incentive to do the right thing. But if the consequences of his actions all fall on him, then he has to take the full brunt of his actions.

 

You are in a difficult position and it is understandable that you feel this way. But there are options. Reaching out and asking for help shows that you are approaching this in a healthy manner and that you are open to changing the situation. And those are signs of a healthy way of handling your problem.

 

Let me know if I can help any further,

Kate

 

TherapistMarryAnn and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I would like your recommendation (from your knowledge base in your field and the small background of information I had given you) of a licensed professional in psychiatry / psychology that would be local to me, here in Arvada, Colorado, 80004 so that I may make contact and an appointment.
I did tell him on more then one occasion, when you leave and get into her vehicle she has the power over you to jeapodize any and everything you have been working towards. I would not allow her on my property or in my house, thus she got angry. He allowed her into my home to use the bathroom when I was not here and she subsequently stole two rings from my bedroom. He left with her to try and get my rings back, even though I asked several times for him not to go with her and let the Arvada police find my rings. They both have mental health issues and she turned on him in the her vehicle called 911 and he has been in jail since. He is a recovering drug addict and has recently (within this last year) been diagnosed with longtime, untreated mental health issues. I also stated, that should you go to jail for this, I will not bail you out. I just want somone to help me understand how to not hurt anymore.
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Here are some therapists that can help:

 

Veronica Hoegler PhD
Psychologist

Arvada, Colorado 80004
Call:(NNN) NNN-NNNN/p>

 

Deborah Bryon PhD, NCPsyA
Psychologist

Arvada, Colorado 80002
Call:(NNN) NNN-NNNN/p>

 

Mary J Simon PsyD
Psychologist

Office is near:
Arvada, Colorado 80002
Call:(NNN) NNN-NNNN/p>

 

If you do not find anyone you want to work with, use the link I provided to plug in your zip code and it will provide you with a list of therapists you can contact.

 

This is definitely a situation you need to get out of. Your son is letting this woman use you and it is only going to make the situation worse. He is putting his needs and his girlfriend's needs ahead of yours. This is a situation that you can offer support in, but while keeping yourself safe from harm.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for your time and advice. What does the NCPsyA stand for on the doctor Deborah Bryon?
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You're welcome!

 

I believe it stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Psychoanalysis. That usually means the person does in depth therapy rather than short term therapy. It would be a good question to ask her when you talk with her to make an appointment.

 

Take care and let me know if I can help at any time in the future,

 

Kate

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