Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX telling me that endo doctors work off test results. I never knew that before but hearing that helped a lot. GP's work off symptoms and give you an answer right away. I guess I expected the same thing from her.
How I wish I could talk to you in person. I had a real spiritual awakening this morning regarding why anxiety has taken over a large part of my life. It goes back to my childhood and the person who raised me. She was my step-grandmother, although I didn't know that until I was 10 years old. She was married to my biological grandfather, an immigrant from Italy who could never read or write and had all the old-world ways of thinking. My biological mother was his daughter. His wife died in childbirth leaving him with 4 children and he needed a mother and she had a child out of wedlock and needed a husband, so it was a marriage of convenience.
The woman who became my step-grandmother, his wife, was a mean-spirited, controlling woman who had nothing good to say about anyone, including her step-children, one of which was my mother.
I was born in 1935 as a "love child" which was frowned upon society and a disgrace to the family. I never knew my biological father but I do have a picture of him and I know his name. He was married with children and went back to his wife at some point in time. My mother lived in Atlantic City as a waitress in a bar. Another disgrace and her landlady watched me while she worked.
My step-grand hated my mother. Being the type of woman she was, she would have found some reason to dislike her but my mother really gave her a good reason when she had me. My step-grand felt it was a disgrace for me to be living where I was, so she went down the shore while my mother was working and literally stole me away, telling the landlady she had permission to take me.
From what I understand, my mother knew she couldn't take care of me and because her brothers were all living at home and she knew they wouldn't allow anything to happen to me, she figured it was best to let step-mom take care of me. What she didn't know but found out the hard way that step-mother would do whatever she had to do to make sure my mother never got me again. In the 1930's women didn't have any rights nor money. It was during the depression.
She forged my mother's name in secret to a notary notice that said she was allowed to adopt me and change my name. And that's exactly what she did. My name on my original birth certificate was Joyce Madeline W***. When I was adopted at 2 years old, my name was changed on my new birth certificate to Rita Marie T******.
So there I was at 2 years old suddenly being called a different name and had a new mother. Traumatic? you bet it was. I recall with clarity standing up in my crib crying for my step-grandmother and clutching her dress that I was able to grab hold of, smelling it to comfort myself because I was afraid she was never coming back. Seems strange but not really. I already knew somehow that I had lost my mother and what would happen to me if this woman left me too. I was able to prove this happened because it was my so-called brother (really my uncle) and his girlfriend who lived next door who were baby-sitting me while mom and pop were out. The ended up getting married and I was able to ask her if this really happened or was it something I dreamed of. She said no, it really happened, and they had a terrible time getting me calmed down again. Isn't it amazing what a child will remember and be able to figure out?
So step-grand, called mom, and grandfather, called pop, raised me. Brothers went away to war. Mom's idea (Here We Go - TA DA) was that anyone who had any misfortune in their life was because they either were a bad person or did something bad and GOD WAS PUNISHING THEM. This is what I heard day after day and year. I distinctly remember one time she really scared even herself. She had an argument with the shoe repair man while in his store and she told him to drop dead....that afternoon he did! She later said he deseved it.
Her way of controlling me was through fear. I was told that if I didn't do what she told me to or talked back I was a bad girl and she would send me to live in an institution called The Home For Wayward Girls located in West Philadelphia. Not only did she threaten me with that but she also took me there to show me it was real, and it was, believe me. So of course I tried to be the best little girl I could but I was doomed to never pleasing her. You see, she kept changing the rules but never told me about it. What was good today was bad the next day.
Now Pop, being the uneducated man he was, plus Italian, never hugged me or told me he loved me. But what he did tell me over and over again all my life until he died when I was 20 years old was that I was a bad girl because I HAD BAD BLOOD IN ME FROM MY MOTHER. She was a whore and therefore, so was I.
The day I found out they weren't really my parents is another story for another day. All I'll say I was 10 years old and was lied to in such a way that tramatized me forever. If you are interested in hearing it, I'll tell you tomorrow. But I'm sure from what I already told you, it's clear where anxiety and fear came into my life.
Tomorrow I'll tell you when I had my first panic attack and why. Or maybe it was my second one - the first one when I was in the crib. Anyhow, the second one was when I was on a trolley car all by myself at 5 years old going to school. The reason I was all alone is not to be believed but it happened.
So my fear, panic attacks and anxiety did not come out of the blue. Maybe this will help you help me.
The Holy Spirit helped me realize this and many other things this morning. I'm glad I was alone so I had time to cry out to God and cry with God. I truly believe I received a spiritual healing today. Right now I feel drained but okay. It's a lot to take in all at once.
Now I'm sort of glad I have to wait for the results of the tests. If I had them already, I wouldn't have received the gift I did today from God. Why He picked today to open my eyes I have no idea but I know His timing is never wrong.
The anxiety is still there....I am still going through weaning down on the Xanax....but it's not