Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive or has an anger issue, such as explosive anger or intermittent explosive disorder. The excessive worrying about your husband's temper, cleaning so he doesn't yell, and the feeling of walking on eggshells around him are all signs that you and your children are being emotionally abused or that he has an anger issue.
If your husband was not abusive, you would not feel the need to do any of the things you described. Whether or not the house was clean would not be an issue. The focus of your relationship would be on the two of you. You would feel loved and cared for.
The other sign is your son's feelings about his father. If he is expressing he hates him, then he is feeling angry about how his father is affecting the family and about his relationship with him. He is not feeling cared about or loved but instead feels the animosity from his father. In short, he does not like the way his father makes him feel so he is lashing back from being hurt.
A type A personality tends to be a driven person, but not an abusive person or an angry person. The most likely effect of a type A personality would be that you and your children would be neglected since your husband would be extremely goal driven, and therefore out working all of the time. Or he would be preoccupied with other activities. But you do not describe a man that is goal driven. Just angry and abusive.
Some of the signs of emotional abuse are:
Feeling fearful around the abuser
Being put down or yelled at
Feeling that everything is your fault or being told it is
The feeling that you can't do anything right
Controlling you and/or your life
Signs of anger issues:
The person erupts with anger
The anger outbursts last 10 to 20 minutes or longer
There is property destruction
There may be abuse
Since your husband refuses to get help or even see that he has a problem, then you should focus on educating yourself about emotional abuse and anger issues. That will help you understand what is going on and give you options about how to handle it.
Also, one of the most important things you can do is get help for yourself and your children. Your son is already showing signs of needing help. If he does not get help, he may end up either being like his father or have depression, anxiety or other emotional problems.
You can find a therapist for you by asking your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/. If you attend church, you can also talk with your pastor. They are often trained in counseling and can help you answer some of the more difficult questions about how to approach your marriage and whether or not to divorce.
For the children, talk to their pediatrician for a referral. Or you may be able to ask their school counselor for recommendations. You do not have to state a reason why you are asking. You can also use the link I gave for you to find a therapist for them.
As always, if you feel your life or your children's lives are in danger, leave immediately. Nothing is worth staying if your husband is putting you and your family in danger. Just in case, have a back up plan with emergency numbers and a place you can go for safety.
Here are some resources to help you:
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel
When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse by Lundy Bancroft
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
Let me know if I can help any further,