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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I experience feelings about my new mate that disturb me. I

Resolved Question:

I experience feelings about my new mate that disturb me. I would like to explore them some. I have strong feelings of "dislike" for him at times- it comes and then goes and is replaced by strong feelings of love. I don't know if the racial situation, the age difference, or my health issues plays a part or what but I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to lose him - he is a fine man. The racial situation: I'm African American and he's white. The age difference: I'm 47 and he's 63. The health issue: I'm suffering with peremenopause and am being tested for sleep apnea next week. Any words of wisdome on this one?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like this could be a couple of things. One, it could be the perimenopause causing your moods to swing from one to the other. Have you been experiencing the same mood swings in other areas of your life? That can help you decide if it is the perimenopausal symptoms.

 

Two, the age and/or race difference could be a cause. Some people are brought up to feel differently about other races and either he or you could have an unconscious hostility towards the others' race. It does not have to be intentional and it is not your fault. It can be cause by influences from your family or just media and American culture itself.

 

Three, is there a possibility that you had abuse or neglect in your childhood and are transferring some of the feelings from then to your relationship? Couples are often attracted to each other because of similarities to their parents. For example, if you were raised by a self centered father, you may unconsciously pick a self centered man as a mate. The reason is two fold. One, you are comfortable with self centered men. You understand how they work and therefore it makes it easy for you to relate. But it does not make it comfortable. Two, because it is uncomfortable, you will try to work out your issues from childhood with your mate. Because you could not get your father to love you the way you needed to, you will try to get your mate to. Since your mate is an older gentleman, then he is sort of a father figure as well.

 

Some of these reasons are deep seated and may need the assistance of a therapist to sort them out. It would be helpful for you to talk to a counselor to sort this out and get to the root of the problem. To find a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

As long as you have the desire to work this out, you can have a successful relationship.

 

I hope this helps you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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