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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Please forward to the appropriate category if this isnt the

Customer Question

Please forward to the appropriate category if this isn't the one!

My husband is pushing me to have a divination/dowsing with pendulum consultation. Please can you tell me if an expert in this field can diagnose physiological and psychological problems, and how it works.

Is there any EVIDENCE to suggest it is effective at Dx. What are it's aims/uses in health care/therapy. I want to know what I can for OR against!
Thank you.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hello Rose,

 

I asked a friend of mine to help you answer your question. Here is his response:

 

Kate McCoy let me know about your question. I believe I can help you.

 

A little dowsing history...

 

Dowsing, which in its original form was used to locate underground water sources is an oddity, but it does seems rooted in some (read, minor) peripheral science. It is a many century years old "skill".

 

Indeed, the human body does produce a measurable but slight electrical field. Dowsers (those who seek water with this method) use metal or wood "divination rods" to sense for disturbances in their own electrical field; and in theory, the method allows a trained dowser to locate hidden water sources. Although no one can prove why some dowsers can do this, it does appear to be a real skill that exists in a small number of people.

 

Now, psychologically there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, to suggest that this ability could be used to assist a person with psychological issues.

 

Therefore I would highly recommend to avoid anyone who says that they can local errant bodily electrical fields and then measure and counter them via pendulum, rod, crystal, magnet or any of the dozens of claimed devices that are used.

 

Interestingly, Franz Anton Mesmer, an early proponent of hypnosis, tried to use a similar methodology in Paris France a number of centuries ago, and even then, the scientists of the day laughed at his idea of internal magnetic forces and literally ran him out of town.

 

The odd science of dowsing may be useful if your looking to sink a well on your property and cannot afford a geological survey. But, to use it to treat and eliminate anxiety, depression. fear, etc., there are no legitimate sources that indicate it works.

 

If you wish to try an adjunct method to traditional therapy for emotional issues, diet and nutrition has been shown to be far more effective than these "bunk" therapies. In both the UK and the US a trial of pharmacy grade supplements of: 1000mg of Omega 3 per day, 10mg zinc, 100mg calcium and 100 mg of magnesium glycinate were shown to be as effective as some popular pharmaceuticals in lowering anxiety and depression. However, like all supplements, obtain your doctors permission before using any such regime.

 

I hope this was of assistance to you. Steven

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you so much Steven, and Kate for forwarding my question. It is as I thought, and I'll not be pursuing it any further. It was, in fact, an idea of his for my body pains, but I know I'm on the right track already. He (my husband) just likes to have his bit of say.... and now I have my reply!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Rose,

 

I'll let Steve know. He was glad to help. He is very good with that kind of information!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Dear Kate,

 

thank you so much for your thoughtful and caring post, I read it through blurry vision as soon as I opened my eyes this morning! Yes, tired and overwhelmed, trying to be normal for the children, but feeling anything but, wanting to get away. I know being alone isn’t always the best thing, but I feel at least I haven’t got to put on a face, risk being put down, or feel paranoid about what others think or feel about me.

 

 

I know being alone I keep my feelings within, share only with you, and myself by cutting. Sometimes I don’t really understand the cutting, but by doing so I feel something in the emptiness, something that I can focus on, see, take my thoughts away from just spiralling down, I feel I’m doing something to help myself for that moment in time, but often the hurt doesn’t last long enough, and I need something new, more. It pulls me up, straightens out my thoughts, redirects me towards a better way of thinking, but takes my mind away from the issues that I should be focusing on.

 

I need to cut when my head feels mad, when I don't know what else to do but pick up the phone to the crisis line, or go out and take a risk, one that is in no-one's best interest but my immediate release. I cut when I need to stay in control of what I do, make me stay in my 4 walls and keep everyone safe, when I worry that I won't be capable of realising the consequences. Sometimes pills are the answer when I feel that way, but just enough to get me past the unbearable feeling of not being in control.

 

I need to hurt when my head feels screwed up so tight that it’s going to burst, when I’m losing sight of reality, so that I can take my mind away from the tension within, calm me down, release, relax. I hurt when I feel so bad about myself, when I can’t bear the feelings that I give myself by thinking how I have got things wrong, failed, that I’m useless, incapable, no-hoper, worthless; the hurt reduces those feelings and replaces them with something that is more bearable, that I can deal with more easily. I wish I could say how I feel, I have enormous self criticism for my shortfalls, I know I should shout and scream, voice my feelings, but I have lost the will. When I am angry and have no control over what is happening I want to vent my feelings, but instead I hide away.....I know I have caused my own downfall by not reacting in a healthy way, but kept that anger all within, allowing it to build up so much that it’s weight has pulled me down, releasing a little now and again so that I can survive ‘til the next time. I need to cut, it has helped me to cope, but no-one else must know............

 

 

More later

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, your post is heartbreaking. I can literally hear the pain you are feeling, you describe it so well.

 

It is clear from what you wrote that you are cutting to give yourself control over your pain, the pain inflicted by others. Cutting gives you a way to not only control the pain, but inflict it on yourself under your control. I believe that you feel you deserve to be in pain so by inflicting it on yourself, you get the pain you deserve but you control it, not anyone else.

 

Cutting also distracts you from the pain you feel and makes you feel alive at the same time, like you said. The numbness you feel when hurt by others is a learned behavior, most likely from when you were a child and was reinforced as an adult. Feeling that amount of pain as a child would be overwhelming, so you would shut off your feelings in order to cope. It is very common with children who are abused to do this. As adults, they manifest the numbness and deep pain underneath by many behaviors, including fears and phobias, depression, drug and alcohol abuse and cutting behavior.

 

You said that you also feel that you are worthless. This is also a taught behavior. As a child, you were taught that you were not valuable. Most children take that in and believe it because their only source for this information is their parents. Now Dave confirms it as well with his behavior. Now, as an adult, our job is to help you learn that the message was false and not about you but about your parents (and Dave) projecting their own issues onto you.

 

Think about it this way. Would you say the things said to you as a child to Poppy or Sam? Why or why not? If you would not, what do you think it would take to get you to say those things to them? How would you have to feel towards them?

 

This gives you a picture of what it takes to treat your children the way you were treated. This is what your parents felt about themselves and instead of dealing with it, the projected it onto you. And you had no choice but to believe it.

 

Cutting yourself is much like putting a band aid on a gushing cut. It may seem like a good solution or even a helpful one, but in the long run it does nothing. I wanted to explore some alternatives for you to think about. That way, you have some options before you cut again.

 

Keep a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it when you think of cutting. Also, use a piece of ice to "cut" with when you have the urge. Both of these ideas will give you the immediate sensation of pain but without the actual cutting.

 

What are some other things you can try to help substitute for cutting? I am not suggesting that you start substituting now, unless you feel ready for to do that. I just want to start introducing the idea of alternatives so when we get to that point when you feel ready, you won't feel it is too strange.

 

Let me know what you think,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate, so much. I truly appreciate you time and input. Everything you say is true, and makes good sense to me, and has helped me to understand the whys a bit more.

I will reply more comprehensively tomorrow as I can't concentrate right now. I'm feeling very anxious about Dave's return home this evening, he's been gone since well before lunch, and now it's 8.30. Poppy has a friend staying over tonight and I worry what will be.

thank you from deep in my heart

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,



I’ve known for many years that I am troubled with my past and present, but had no insight into what to do to make me feel better, so chose to ignore the feelings. Nor did I wish to admit that I was carrying a lot around with me. Dave would use my mother as a tool to rile me, telling me often in days gone by that I’m just like her, he knew it would hurt me terribly. The children have asked me on occasions whether I liked having her as my mother. I’ve had to reply that I knew no other. I feel sad that I was not happy in my childhood, I feel I have been robbed of happiness in adulthood because I struggle know how to be or feel happy. What I feel is happiness is being content, and there is so much more I don’t know how to feel. I wish I knew how to see something as funny, I wish I knew how to laugh really and truly. What is it when someone laughs inappropriately, like when someone is hurting badly? I do that, not wanting to, wishing I wouldn’t.

I feel I may have come to that wall you speak of, and have been talking with K mostly about what has been happening in the present. We are also talking a bit about my history with Dave, and I’m finding it very hard to bring up the feelings that I had at the beginning of our time together. I know that I have denied most of these feelings because I wanted to be in love and get things right, rather than getting married because I felt I’d gone to so much effort, it was too much to waste. Now I know better. I know how I felt during the first few years we were married, before I had a baby to distract me from those feelings. But I’m not able to put them into words just yet.

I don’t know if I should break through yet or not. I am afraid of the next step, but I hate living in this state of not knowing what is going to happen next, with the anxiety of what will come with the evening. My ‘safe house’ is likely to be let; I feel unsettled now that I won’t have someplace to go.

I feel inadequate that I couldn’t talk to K. I didn’t like not being able to fill the gaps. When I feel like that I want to duck out of therapy, it’s too hard, I can’t do it, then I’m anxious before I see her again. I do journal, I have written reams, and much of it I send to K. I don’t know of any other ways. My friends want me to talk, but I can’t anymore. Why can’t I speak like I write? Sometimes I read what I’ve written and think how did I just write that? Meaningful and coherent. Most times I can barely put a sentence together without stopping to think of the order the words need to go in. I don’t get why I have such difficulty- I can’t say it’s anxiety all the time bc it happens with my children and other family members that don’t make me feel anxious. I don’t remember having such difficulties as a younger adult, maybe I just don’t remember.

I think Sam and I are very close. We have been through many many hours of physical therapy together, special exercises designed to make the connections in his cerebellum stronger. I don't know if the theories (DDAT/Dore) are substantiated (I believed so back then), but it was an expensive program which I was determined to see through and gain something from it. I have always been very easily upset where Sam is concerned, rarely able to speak to a teacher without being in tears bc he is bullied, or has a problem with something, or he's in trouble. Parents evening were very difficult for me (no Dave) and I felt very sensitive to his shortcomings.
Yes, stressful, I'm with you there. And you don't realise how stressful something is while you're in it until you crack. I cracked. And then I had to withdraw completely, going from being full-on supportive every step of the way, to none. I simply couldn't do it anymore. And Dave wouldn't, couldn't, it had been me on my own. His input has rarely been positive, encouraging, unless it's something that he firmly believes in, like playing music, then he pushes it so hard (doesn't help them) that they must get better, practice, more more... that they are sick of it and retaliate.

Ha. I wasn't going to write anymore tonight, but had to wait up for Sam to finish work. Dave got in at 9pm, not toooo drunk, just enough to cause a few shouting matches once Sam came home.

Hope your weekend is going well. Poppy and I walked the dogs and picked loads of blackberries for a blackberry and apple crumble for tomorrows tea.

Take care Kate,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am glad you wrote back tonight. It is good to hear from you, always.

 

Wow, Rose. Dave's cruelty towards you knows no bounds. It is amazing that he could be that way towards you and say such things about you and your mother. I am sorry.

 

Pushing aside feelings from childhood is very typical for abused children. Who wants to face dragging all of those feelings around when you don't know what to do with them? Burying them is easier. Then you can face life and try to live. But what happens instead is all of those unresolved feelings- the hurt and pain- surface in other ways. It is like a float that will not stay under water. You can hold it down but sooner or later, it escapes your hold and shoots back up to the surface.

 

I remember you talking about your childhood, how you felt and your relationship with your mother. I was wondering about your ideal mother. How often do you think about her? Or do you think of her at all? Picture her being with you now. What would she say and/or do? How involved would she be in your life? And how to you feel about it?

 

We have talked about your ideal childhood some but thinking about it now and allowing the feelings in is important now. Some of your past is surfacing and although it is painful, it is also good. It is good because going through the pain is always better than burying it or channeling it it other ways. It hurts, but on the other side is healing. By picturing your ideal mother, you see what should have been compared to what is now. This contrast will help you see what you are missing, the gaps in your feelings.

 

It is good that you are starting to face what is behind the wall. I understand you are scared. That is also a very common reaction. But it is ok. Think of it as the pain that you have always lived with just never dealt with. It has been there and you have reacted to it. The cutting, the pain, sorrow and anxiety are all symptoms of what is behind the wall. Facing the pain gets rid of the symptoms and helps you deal with the real problem.

 

I believe your trouble speaking with people like K and others is about anxiety. It is also self esteem. Being judged is part of it as well. Also, I believe that you do not trust you are intelligent enough or maybe not worthy enough to speak out, which could not be further from the truth. Just by your written word, you certainly are intelligent and we both know you are definitely worthy. It is a matter of believing for you to be able to speak to others with confidence. I think as your issues get addressed, your confidence will grow and the speech problem will reduce or go away completely. I am not sure why it occurs with family. It may be that it is ingrained so much at this point that you may not be able to control it.

 

I understand the closeness with Sam that you have. I feel the same with my son. The hours of therapy, searching for answers, doctor's appointments, etc. all create this world that only the two of you understand. You advocated for your son and worked extremely hard to see that he got the best you could offer. And he did. But that does not mean you are not human. Breaking down would be normal. Keeping up that pace would not be. No person can do it all without support, which is what you had to do. But you did it and Sam benefited. You are an excellent mother to your kids. Let me put it this way, would your parents have done the same for you? I wonder.

 

What happened with your safe house? I am sorry that you may lose it. I sure hope not.

Dave caused shouting matches with Sam? I am sorry to hear that. How do you feel about it? I could not imagine facing the possibility of such a scene each time Dave came home. It must be very hard on you and the kids.

 

I had to smile when you talked about walking with the dogs and Poppy and collecting blackberries for crumble tomorrow. It put such nice pictures in my mind of a cozy home with wonderful food and a welcoming scene. It sounds lovely.

 

I know it is late where you are so I hope you are getting some much deserved rest. I will be around tomorrow off and on because of obligations but I will write as soon as I can. You are always in my thoughts, Rose.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

I'm so happy you enjoy hearing from me, you have lifted my heart and my spirit. And I feel so wholesome to be in your thoughts, I cope so much better knowing it, and you are always with me.

I know the cutting solves nothing. But I don't feel ready to stop, I know I must, and I will think about the alternatives. I have used an elastic band for a while, but I was only satisfied if I snapped it so hard that I created welts, lots of them. I found I was doing it more than was necessary, just to hurt me and make marks, just bc I felt the need, not to serve a purpose. I panicked when I wanted to snap and I didn't have it with me, or I'd over-used it and it broke. I felt it was an addiction and needed to stop. I went back to cutting bc I felt it was more controlled, and I couldn't do it just anywhere, anyhow, though I carry pins in my purse for those times. I am wearing a band now. It needs to be the right size and thickness. I haven't many left that fit, I need to get some more. The bands that the postman uses to hold the mail together are perfect, and I had a collection, now I'm down to the last red one. My CPN suggested ice to me last year, but I haven't tried it. I don't think it will be enough, but I'll give it a try.

I don't know what the shouting match was about last night, but it is such a regular occurance that it almost goes un-noticed. I was anxious about it last night though bc Poppy had a friend to stay. I didn't remember to ask Poppy about it this morning, so I don't know how she (or her friend)felt about it. Usually I ask what was going on, or what it was about, and I try hard to listen in to make sure there aren't some pieces to be picked up afterwards. I feel so sorry that the children have to stand up for themselves in such a way, almost daily, to prevent themselves from becoming downtrodden like their mother. Sam has said to me recently to not let him bully me. Now he barely thinks twice before he comes to his own defense, and Poppy is the same.

Once Dave was home from the pub last night he settled in with a bottle of wine, empty left on the side for me to find this morning. I despair. :(

They are all out at the pictures tonight. I'm home alone. The children are seeing one film, Dave another on his own. I'm content here, I'm baking the crumble, and (tut tut) I have a very small glass of Rose wine, my namesake!! (there should be an acute accent on the e!)

I hope you holiday weekend is entertaining for you with good weather. Autumn has hit us full on here, wind, rain, chilly. I wonder what labor day is all about. Unemployment?!

I'm saving Mother for tomorrow, I'm not up to dealing with her tonight.

Til tomorrow

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I loved your comment about Labor Day! These days, it should be about unemployment with how the economy is. But it is really about labor unions and the betterment of the worker. Most Americans see it as a day off and the end of summer, though.

 

Summer is still going strong here. Yesterday was almost 100 degrees. Ugh. But it is supposed to drop into the 60's by tomorrow and stay there all week. The first break in the weather. I'm quite happy about it.

 

It sounds like you have tried a lot of options to stop cutting. I have to agree with you, you should feel ready to stop cutting in order for the methods to be fully effective. Finding something that can be a substitute for cutting would help. It could not involve hurting yourself severely, but something that can give you the same sensation. And it is all about the gradual decreasing of behavior rather that just coming to an all out stop. Suddenly stopping most likely will not work and would just make the situation worse. As you said, you feel great anxiety when you cannot cut and do not have any alternatives. There is a reason for that.

 

Cutting creates an endorphine rush that flows into your system. In turn, that gives you a morphine like feeling that is chemically induced in your body when you cut. It is much like a drug addict with trying to get sober. When the person tries to stay away from the drug, it creates a craving. Taking the drug gives them the release they are looking for. It answers the addiction and creates calm. It is the same with cutting.

 

Finding an alternative that can help you stop is what would help. Cognative restructuring, for example, would help you activate another part of your brain that could take over from the current area that is rewarding you for cutting. Prayer, singing, or any activity that could fire another area of you brain may help.

 

Also, you need at least two weeks of not cutting in order to allow the "addiction" center of your brain to reduce. This gives your brain time to restructure and stops the stimulation of the cutting area and the subsequent endorphines that are produced when you cut.

 

Along with addressing your other issues of self esteem and abuse, you could find healthier areas to vent your feelings. But this can occur only when you feel ready. Otherwise, it is not going to work. I know you want to stop cutting and that is good. There just needs to be substitutes set up so you can.

 

It seems the kids have developed a way of coping with Dave's outbursts. Have they told you much about how they feel about Dave as a parent? It seems Sam at least feels strongly about how Dave treats you.

 

Has Dave ever talked about becoming sober? I imagine at this point he might be in denial over his drinking but I was hoping that maybe he might have some insight. Have you done any work with K about co dependency? Dealing with an alcoholic has many problems that affects everyone around them.

 

Rose (no umlaut on my computer!) wine, eh? Sounds like you are having some fun! Good for you. It is very relaxing to have time alone to enjoy yourself, especially when it involves baking. Let me know how the crumble turns out.

 

Whenever you are ready to talk about mom, that is fine. Have a good night, Rose.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
My crumble was lovely, I feel very fat and full!! I'm glad you have a nice cozy image of my home, it is a nice place to be, house mate not considered! It is a piece of farming history which we have preserved from dilapidation (in other words, it is a converted cattle byre), it is unique, but one of many barn conversions in the village.

We all love it. It is a HUGE reason why I am having so much trouble doing something about my intolerable situation. Not one of us will want to go, and that is why the cottage next door would have been so good for me. But she emailed yesterday to say that they have someone who wants to rent it for 6 months, and that they could do with the money. Since I hadn't made a move I guess they thought maybe I wouldn't, and they had said they would just want me to cover bills etc, so not make a lot of money out of me. I was also worried about spending more money than was needed by running 2 homes, so I have been trying to be happy in my room. Which I am mostly, but I don't feel I have made a big enough break away.

Hey Ho.

Good night Kate,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I'm sorry you have lost your place. I hope that you are able to reconsider it again in the future if things change. You need a safe place to go for peace.

 

Your home does sound like a wonderful place (sans the house mate)! If you would feel comfortable, I would love to see pictures someday.

 

Good night and sweet dreams, Rose.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
:)

I'd love to send pics.

Thank you so much for posting today.

Nite nite

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good Morning Kate,
Happy Labor Day. :)
I'm writing, catch you later
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning Rose! Though for you it's already afternoon, isn't it?! Thank you for wishing me a Happy Labor Day.

 

I hope your day is going well. I will watch for your post later today.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

Yes, well into the afternoon now, be dark before you know it! My day was fine, busy with housework. Poppy went back to school today, came home happy. Sam starts next Monday, though we still haven't heard if they'll accept him back to start a new course. He is desperate to know, but they were still waiting on the Vice Principal's nod before they could offer him a definite place.

Sorry this post is all over the place. Trying to catch up (you're working me too hard :)!!!!!) Mom to follow later- I hope.

Mark has been by today, twice! I'm surprised he stayed away for so long, glad he did. He tells me he's done some maths and can't afford to leave, he'd be expected to pay support for the 3 children, so he's staying for the moment. He's going away to Cornwall on his own in November and was trying to persuade me to join him. What is he thinking?

I've been catching up with some old posts to make sure I haven't missed too much. I shall never tire of reading your posts, you are so amazingly knowing and insightful; how you have been able to sort through my mind and my thoughts, ask me things in a way that will make me think deeply; analytically read what I tell you, and make sense of it, be so accurate with your sensings and give me such incredible bouyancy from what you write me in reply. Thoughts of writing to you, and getting your positive vibes are what keeps me going through the day. I've just found your lovely hug again. Thank You. :)

I was quite surprised to read about the physical effects of cutting and why it is addictive. I didn't know it was addictive, it was just the way I felt about snapping the band when I didn't have just cause to. It does hurt a lot, (thick band, full stretch) and I was perplexed as to why I wanted to do it so much. The bruises I created were quite visible, and I was bothered it wasn't quite such a secret. But I will try harder this time, and stop myself from snapping when I don't need to, but it's so available.........

I don't know how to overcome the anxiety I have when speaking with people. I think you are spot on, and that it is a social anxiety, and I have just got it so ingrained on my consciousness that my synapses just wobble when I want to talk! Perhaps I need a shot of dopamine. It is such an effort like you can't imagine.

The kids are not happy about their father figure. Sam doesn't respect him at all, and although Poppy has said she respects him for all the fun and games that he has had, and still has (ie enjoy life), she doesn't have the role model she hopes for, and won't allow him to do things with her (like take her for a ride) because she doesn't trust his ways and capabilities. Both the children come to me only, if they want help, advice, a lift, money, anything, bc they know how I will respond. They often say don't tell dad will you, or what will dad say do you think. They both dislike the amount he drinks, Sam especially, he can't understand WHY he has to be at the pub all the time, or be half drunk, wasting money, (not only on drink, but on buying himself drum after drum.) He asked me not long ago if his dad was an alcoholic. I had to say so, but said he MUST NOT say that to Dave. Dave IS in denial, he doesn't see (that I'm aware of) that it is a problem. It gets said in the heat of a shouting match by Sam on several occasions, and Poppy just tries to ignore the obvious.

I have been to alanon, almost a year ago now, when I was very very raw. I went for 5 or 6 sessions, and just cried the whole time, not able to say a word, or speak with anyone. I found it was too much for me, and stopped going. I identified with everything they were saying, and now I'm a bit stronger it might be good to try it again, but it made me feel very self conscious, though I know they all understood, and had been there themselves.

I sending now bc I need to get tea, his Lordship is obviously at his watering hole it being 6.30, so best get it ready for his return!!!

I will be back (who said that?)

Rose



How do you feel about the contrast in yourself with and without Dave around? What do you feel causes the change in you?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

It is nice to know that your kids are just getting back to school. Most kids here started back the end of last month, but two of my kids do not go back until this Friday and my high schooler goes back Monday. The high school is being renovated so there has been a lot of shuffling around and much angst over it this past year!

 

I am sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you with my questions and input. I sometimes get on a roll! But it is fine if you do not feel that some of the things we talk about need addressed right away. Some of it can be food for thought too.

 

Thank you so much for saying so many nice things about our older posts and my responses. I enjoy talking with you and want to provide as much information as I can to help you. But I do miss the mark so if I ever do, I am counting on you to straighten me out!

 

It does sound odd that cutting can cause a physical reaction. But most things we do have some type of physical reaction in us. I was just thinking how much going to an amusement park makes most people feel happy (especially since it is rainy and cold here today!). It is the endorphines in our system that causes the "feel good" sensation we get. And I think most people find those feelings addictive. Who doesn't want to feel that good all of the time? But cutting produces the same feeling for you. And understanding why it makes you feel good can go a long way in helping you wean yourself from it and find other ways to cope. Ways that make you feel just as good but that are less harmful. I agree, the band is available. And easy to use. Maybe you could try using a smaller thickness and see if you can wean yourself off the thicker one. Everything in moderation, one step at a time.

 

I am glad you had a good visit with Mark. He seems to find you easy to talk to. But it also sounds like he is not understanding your view of being with him while you are both married. I wonder if he feels because you are vulnerable in your situation that you would be easily persuaded to join him. How are you feeling about his persistence?

 

Difficulty speaking to others can be the social anxiety and the introversion or both. The part that I am intrigued by is your lack of difficulty when you have a scrip in front of you or things are written out or are clear in direction. You do just fine then. Which says to me that the difficulty comes from your beliefs about yourself rather than trouble speaking to others.

 

Sam and Poppy sound like they have figured Dave out. They understand the limits, boundaries and what he is about. Their insights are quite good. Do you feel they would benefit from Al anon? It would help them both understand about alcoholism, why Dave drinks and acts the way he does and it may help prevent Sam and Poppy from becoming alcoholics themselves, which is a risk with having an alcoholic parent.

 

I am sorry that you had such a time in Al anon yourself. There are other options for you if you feel Al anon is too much right now. Here are some things that might help:

 

http://www.ola-is.org/- online Al anon support

 

Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II by Al-Anon Family Group Head Inc

 

Bradshaw On: The Family: A New Way of Creating Solid Self-Esteem by John Bradshaw

 

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller and J. XXXXX XXXXX

 

There is nothing wrong with working on this issue at home and using self help instead of in person meetings. And when you feel stronger, you can consider going outside your home for help.

 

I like the Lordship title you bestowed upon Dave! I recognize the feeling very well.

 

I will talk with you soon, Arnold!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hello again,

That last sentence isn't meant to be there! That's what I'm supposed to be doing next, put it there in case I forget!

I was also going to mention that K feels that Dave has 'stolen' my voice. I remembered that after he returned from the pub this evening, and before he was fully through the door he was in full flow at 100 decibels! Poppy was excited after her first day at school, so she was a good match for him, but he was talking over her and putting in his two-pennies worth. Me, I was silent. And that is how it is so often- I don't have the will to speak, and many times when I attempt to be part of a conversation, or I begin to say something that I think is interesting, he will pick up on my lead and take over, and so I am dumbfounded.

So, now I can look at that question above that you put to me a while ago. When I am with Dave and I'm in company, I just sit and drift, I don't pay attention, I am an outsider. I might get up and leave, and go and sit on my own, or see the children, or find different company. I am no match for him, and he doesn't involve me, ask my opinion, or ask me to share. He rarely asks about anyone else's stories, lives, feelings, though he tells me he is sensitive, empathetic and thoughtful. When I am with Dave alone, in company, I feel shrouded, like my nerves are all on edge, anxious I guess. I feel particularly so when I'm alone with him, I don't feel able to relax, let my guard down. He came and sat down beside me yesterday, at the table after tea. I immediately felt unsettled. He asked me how I was. He doesn't ask me that question. I couldn't say anything, I felt I had more trouble telling him about myself than I do anybody else. He still doesn't know anything about Fibro, though I'd emailed him some info several months ago, and asked him to read it. He says he has.

When Dave isn't around I feel much lighter, I can hold my head up higher, I don't have to be on guard, put up with his constant noise, and disquiet with the children. There are more choices to be made, and the house is more of a home, contented and peaceful. When we first converted the barn I was troubled by the open-plan living area. I could not shut the door to the kitchen, be on my own, away from the noise of the television, his music. I bought him a set of wireless headphones to help me be a little bit removed from it all. He dominates the house when he is in it. I've said before, he chooses the TV channel, we all should watch it (if he thinks it's important). If he wants to listen to his music, that's what we all should do. If he wants to go on the computer, then he wants it NOW. If he wants to play his drums, then it's tough sh** if we don't want to hear it. He's taken over the ponies stable, filled it with his tools, 'stuff' that he's collected (I haven't told you about his problem with collecting 'stuff' yet!), and now it's packed with drums. At least many of the drums that have been cluttering up every available corner are now out in the stable, and I'm not tripping over them all the time, or looking at them wishing I could move them myself. He bought a compact kit on ebay about 18 months ago, and it sat in the hall where it was received, not once being removed from it's box to see or play it. When he was away a couple of months ago I asked Sam to help me move it, and it's now out in the stable (Not happy with me). By the way, I was assured that if he took the stable, a shelter would be constructed in lieu of it. Do you think it has, 2 years later? Am I allowed to ask?

I am only scratching the surface- you have better things to do than read any more.

I wanted to tell you that while Mark was helping me hang out the washing this morning (!!!) one of the dogs alerted our attention to an enormous caterpillar in the grass. I remembered as a child enjoying caring for caterpillars, feeding them, and watching them pupate, then hatch as a butterfly or moth. We collected the caterpillar and looked it up in a book, then I put it in a jar with it's typical food. It was an elephant hawk moth caterpillar, they are lovely, I remember hatching them as a child. I showed Poppy when she came home, she was very keen. Somehow she knew exactly what it was! I'll need to put some soil in the jar for it to bury itself in to pupate. Soon I think.

Dave is quite drunk. He has gone to lie down in the dark. Why why why.

I'm not going to get to Mom tonight. Soon, but not tomorrow, I'm working, and have therapy. I know you have posted as I have been writing, but will read once I have hit 'reply to expert' just in case I lose it all. Sorry if I've overloaded you, such a lot of waffle!

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh yes, Arnie!

Kate, please don't be sorry, I am so glad you want to interact with me to help me think about my feelings and help me sort through them. I'm very happy with whatever roll you are on, I love your input, I was joking, I just don't want to miss anything valuable, which is everything!

Yay, you have a cool and wet day too!! just like Devon UK :) You were waiting for that.

Mark. I think you are right. He gave it a break, and realised he couldn't make the break that he wanted to. So now he's back to his old ways, and no doubt will not try to stay away. He needs no excuse to be here, sharing tools etc, so I can see him slipping. I will try to avoid as best I can, but when he just comes in it's hard.

Sam was given my aunt's car (the one with dementia) for his birthday. It's pretty knocked about, she shouldn't have been driving for a long time. He hasn't had any lessons yet, but the car is automatic, and he didn't need any instruction to work out how it worked. While I was at work one day last week, some friends came round, one is a driver. They all piled into the car, and took it for a 'spin' around the pony paddock (ponies in the garden!!). I had to stop it when I came home, he was driving fast, bumping about on the uneven ground, and I felt for the tyres, as well as the passengers!! Today he went off again, not too fast this time, but he was still rather erratic. He reversed out through the gate, faster than I would have, and caught the front bumper on the gate, and ripped it off at one side. I have always been anxious about him learning to drive. I am now afraid to get him lessons. He is not allowed to drive the car in the field anymore when I'm not home (Dave doesn't know, or is too drunk to care, not sure which)He is a bright boy, but doesn't think things through. Is this part of ADD, and does medication calm that side?

Late now, time to get to bed.

Thank you Kate. I have enjoyed talking to you tonight (as always).

Take care.

Rose

ps I'd love to post some photos. Have you thought more about the message?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Thank you for sharing your feelings about Dave with me. You expressed your feelings so well. I can understand your reluctance to face Dave and deal with him. His personality gets in the way (I was feeling overwhelmed and needed to take a deep breath just reading about it.) I can think of several adjectives to describe his behavior (I know that can be taken another way, but I'm being nice here!) but I wondered if you want to have a go at it. What words to you feel describe how Dave acts? I think getting into this deeper would provide a clearer picture of how you feel and what we can do to help you get out, if that is what you want to do. Otherwise, we can work on changing your response to Dave so you can be yourself and not have the same response to his issues.

 

I can see K's point of view about Dave stealing your voice. He most likely does that with everyone he has contact with, I imagine. What I would like to try is exploring what causes you to let him take your voice? This is something we have been looking at for a while now and if you feel ready, we can dig a bit deeper. What do you think?

 

Please do not feel I do not have time for anything you need to tell me. Rose, I am here for you. I like talking to you, and I get a lot out of helping you. You can tell me whatever you feel you need to. It's just us working these problems out. Me and you, together. We were put together for a reason and I truly believe that it is meant to be. And I would not be here if I did not want to be.

 

Oh yes, I understood you were joking before. I think I phrased my response a bit too seriously, which I tend to do :) Sorry about that.

 

I do agree about Mark. He seems to have let his guard down again and I imagine that he decided to do so when he found out that leaving his family was not going to be possible. He is looking for an escape from his situation, whether it be through a divorce or an affair, it may not matter which. I think if he understood the pressure you are under, he would realize he is adding to it. He just may feel too desperate to see it. Helping you with the laundry is very nice of him (and I imagine something that is new to you since Dave probably does not do such things). I wonder about Mark's motives. What do you think?

 

So Sam has got himself a car. That first taste of freedom. I can understand your feelings about that, Mom! I have one who is almost that age and I think I will grow a head full of gray hair when she first goes out on her own (more gray than I have now just from raising them). Yes, I do think that Sam's ADD probably contributes to his difficulty with impulse control. People with ADD act before thinking, it is just part of the diagnosis. But he is also a teenager and that has it's own impulsivity right there. Teenagers are naturally prone to more accidents and not thinking through their decisions. So it probably is not all ADD. The medication will calm him down, probably a lot. But it also depends on his level of ADD. He does not sound like he has a severe case to me so he may need less.

 

I do have to give your idea some thought. I do not want to lose our connection, which could happen, so it is something I need to ponder.

 

Have a good night, Rose. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel up to it, let me know how your therapy with K goes.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hello Kate,

I didn't do too well tonight, I was very stuck, my head isn't working right, it's just not, thinking is such an effort, it feels so empty.

Sleep now. No roll for me tonight!

Keep safe

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am so sorry to hear that, Rose. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here. I hope a good night's sleep helps you to feel better.

 

You're in my thoughts,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

Bless you

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Good night, Rose.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
:)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you! I would not usually respond again (I know I always look like I'm trying to get the last word in!) but if I don't, JA leaves your question open on the queue as a reply to me. I know that makes you uncomfortable so I need to respond last so that doesn't happen to you. Otherwise, I'd be very happy with your response being the last one Smile

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Yes, me again! I wish I was more with it this evening, but I can't write a comprehensible thing... I am looking forward to working on adjectives to use to describe Dave, and how he takes my voice- I'll book that in for Friday!

I'm all of a dither about my shift tomorrow (7.30) I haven't been on the ward for 6 days, and I feel like I'm back to square one. I must get proper sleep tonight, can but hope. Last night I listened to K's relaxation hypnotherapy recording, which was comforting- I found I was sucking my thumb! but didn't want to pull it out! I sucked my thumb non-stop (almost) for 13 years, had to stop when I had a brace, but over the last 2 years it has crept back in.

Thank you for making me feel special; we are meant to have made this link, I feel a real energy from you. I've said before, I feel you are with me, all I need to do is think of you, and I feel lighter. I mean that. Thank you. Just us, You and me.

I haven't finished my poem, it still needs more colours, but I have made it flow more freely, and it has a new name. For you (it really is).


Shades of a butterfly

Once as a child many years ago...
on a balmy summer's eve.
I sat in the yard at my Mother's side...
and a butterfly lit at my sleeve.

"It's a sign of good luck", my Mother did say.
As the butterfly stayed at my arm...
"It's a symbol of all of the beauty on earth.
Make sure you cause it no harm."

First, laid as eggs, and after they hatch...
they see that their life's just beginning.
Once time as a caterpillar comes to an end,
they find a quiet place and start spinning.

They metamorphose in a magic cocoon....
then emerge like flowers in spring.
Hence sharing their secrets of beauty and wonder...
through their glorious colourful wings.

The gold in their wings is the right path through life
To follow will mean good fortune.
The blue is the shade of the sea and the sky,
Always there to nurture and care.

The green at the tip is the power of nature,
that will ensure you grow healthy and strong.
The silver is the lining in the clouds of hope...
that you must look for as you follow life along.

They take the path that the breeze gives to them
Yet their strong wings know the way.
Carefree and joyful, beautiful, charmed,
A symbol for hope and for change.

If a butterfly chances to stay at your sleeve...
Be still and admire, smile and find peace.
Learn what you can from this wonder of nature
For you too, may live life as a dream.

Til tomorrow

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh Rose, two beautiful gifts! Thank you! Your poem touched my heart. I could feel the tears making their way to my eyes. You write so well. You should really think about publishing your work.

 

Your kids, oh my. I bet you are so proud. Sam is so tall! And Poppy is gorgeous! What a blessing they must be to you.

 

I imagine that when you noticed your habit of thumb sucking coming back, you may have felt a need to be comforted. I think the two coincide. What do you feel about it?

 

Get some rest. We have plenty of time to work whenever you feel ready. I hope your day goes very smoothly tomorrow and you have an easy (and painless) time of it.

 

Good night and I will talk with you soon,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I have a few minutes before I see K, just wanted to drop you a line. I'm in the cottage next door bc Dave isn't home yet and I'm feeling very anxious about his return.I have left the kids at home, Poppy as a friend for the evening. They will come and get me if there is a problem. I know that Dave will be cross. I've shut the curtains so he can't look in through the window, and locked the front door. What a way to live.

My day at work was full on and exhausting, but I felt I did OK. It's not often my patients want to give me a kiss, but I had 2/6 today!! I've still got a lot of confidence and esteem to build, but I feel some of my insecurities are slowly dissolving. My report was a bit of a mess this afternoon, and I was in too much of an anxious state for the first 2 or so hours that my hands were shaking terribly, and I was like a cat on hot bricks!!

Am trying to calm myself before my skype, so talking to you is my first line of defense! Thank you... :)

Catch you later I hope,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

That is a terrible way to live. Having to hide from Dave for some peace. I am sorry it is that awful and you have to live like that. If we had more time before your session, I would be interested to hear more about how you are feeling.

It sounds like work was a bit of a challenge today but you probably did much better than you thought. We are often more critical of ourselves (especially if our self esteem is low) than others are. It is great you are feeling stronger though!

Two out of six kisses is great! I would take that as a good sign that you were well loved today!

Your session with K will go well. Don't worry about what you say or how you sound. K is a therapist and she is there to help. She likes you and wants the best for you. If you want, tell her about the situation with Dave today and your fears and thoughts about it. You carry some heavy duty stress dealing with him, and it could take up most of your time just exploring the feelings from how you must live.

Let me know how it goes. I'm thinking of you!

Kate

 

Just an FYI, I tried to send this and JA lost my answer so I am resending it. I think the site is having trouble. So if you don't get a response from me tonight (and I will be on to check for you) then try again. Sorry about that!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

So good to talk! And thank goodness for you therapists! I told K why I wasn't at home (she didn't recognise the curtains, or setee, before I got the chance to tell her!!) and she had me text Poppy to tell Dave that I was at my parents if he asked. I'm too honest and rarely think of the easy way out, but I'm learning! She wanted to protect my safe house, while I still have it, very wise.

So when I got in he thought I'd been at my parents. He got home soon after I left, he was pretty drunk. Poppy says he was a fool. I said to Sam, there's an odd smell in your room, he said, yep, dad was smoking cannabis outside my room! Great. Now he's tucking into my bottle of Rose :( Nothing's sacred. I could only bear him for 2 mins before I scooted to my bed.

Therapy was fine, yes we talked about the situation, and I was so glad that he didn't know I was there, I felt much safer and could settle in better. We made connections between he and my mum, and I started to talk a bit about her, and how my experience as a child has made me desperate not to be like her, and to give my children a happier and more relaxed,loved and supported childhood, full of all the things that I didn't have myself. we talked about the times when Dave had told me that I was just like my mother, and how he knew he would cut me to the core. It was a good session, but now I have a headache!

Late again. Good to talk, thank you Kate. Hope your kids are ready for their first school day tomorrow, pencils sharpened, bags packed!

Good night. Thinking of YOU..

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for letting me know what happened in your session with K. It sounds like you had a very productive session! I have to agree, it is important to you to not repeat your mother's behavior with you with your children. It shows you to be strong, intelligent and resilient to raise your children completely different than you were raised. That is something to be proud of.

 

It was a good idea K had to tell Dave that you were away. I understand your reluctance to tell a fib. It does put you between a rock and a hard place and again makes you feel like the bad guy in this scenario. But you also have to protect yourself.

 

Dave was using drugs in your home. How do you feel about that?

 

You remembered my kids go to school tomorrow? Wow, I'm impressed! I do have one staying home but it is my oldest so she is mostly easy to care for :) She goes back on Monday. Are your kids liking school? Any news on Sam's situation?

 

Have a good night!

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You must think I am completely mad to still be with Dave. Yes drugs in the home. Talk more tomorrow.

Yes I remembered about your kids and school- see I really do think of you. But I don't know how old they are. Poppy is very happy to be back at school, the best thing so far this term is she's learning Spanish. Loves it! Sam has been accepted to continue with his Philosophy and start 2 new subjects. I'm so pleased for him, he is really ready to get on with it now, and wants to get new stationary and pencil case etc tomorrow, plus a shorter haircut.

Now I really am going to sleep. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You had me laughing! I could easily spend most of the evening talking with you. I enjoy the heck out of our talks! But unfortunately, sleep is necessary, for both of us.

 

I think nothing of the sort about you Rose! I hope I did not word my thoughts so it came out that way. I apologize if I did. But I do understand how you feel about the situation with Dave and how difficult it is. Yes, most people to think, gee, why don't you just leave? But it is not that easy. People are complex, not robots with no feelings. These things take time and work.

 

I was more interested in what you felt about what Dave is doing. Your feelings are important in this situation. It also ties in with what K mentioned- Dave stealing your voice. Do you feel you have a voice in what Dave is doing?

 

It sounds like Poppy and Sam are doing very well! Spanish is a good language to learn. It seems to be very popular. And I am happy to hear Sam was accepted. Good news, indeed! He should do very well.

 

I will talk with you tomorrow. Have sweet dreams,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

You make me so happy, I'm really glad you laugh with me :)

I know you don't think I'm mad, you didn't say one word wrong- it's just the way I think of myself so much, that I think others think it too, especially since you are learning more and more about him as the days go by.

I'll save the nitty gritty for later when I have my full attention, tea is in the oven, and Sam will be home shortly. As for Dave, I'll have to wait and see. I took Sam to town to stock up on paper, files and pens, and he has his hair a bit shorter. Much more handsome.

Hope your 2 got off OK this morning. Do they catch a bus, walk, or lift? Most primary schools here are within walking distance for the majority of the children assigned to that school, but secondary schools are usually a bus ride for those in rural areas.

More later.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose, good afternoon!

 

Yes, thinking of yourself that way is painful. It is hard to see yourself as others see you when you have been taught otherwise. Realizing that Dave's actions are not about who you are is important. They are about him, and only him. The only thing I want to know is how it affects you and what we can do to work together to help you. That is hard to take in, but so important.

 

Sounds like Sam is ready to go! How exciting! I know the kids don't feel the same way, though!

 

Yes, my two did fine this morning. They take buses to school. We have very busy roads at home so it would be too dangerous for them to walk. But the schools are close so I am thankful for that.

 

Lift means ride by car, right? How American am I being right now Wink!

 

I will check in tonight,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
try again
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Sorry about that! It is so frustrating when that happens. It does it to me once in a while too.

 

I need to catch some dinner so I will check back. I hope that is ok.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hehe,

A lift is surely a car ride! It does look odd reading it back again. I'm enjoying hearing and learning the different isms that you have, I must say some have left me wondering (I don't mean you in particular). I wish I could speak with you, I'd love to hear your voice. It was strange talking to K in the first place, but I love hearing her. I've talked to maybe a handful of American's before (such a sheltered life I lead!!) but of course i hear it nearly every day in one way or another (or used to when I watched the tele). Do accents vary across the USA from one state to another? The UK has many different accents, and some are very difficult to understand (that's why Cheryl Cole wasn't allowed to be a judge on American X-Factor, or Got Talent, whatever it's called). We have lovely accents in Scotland, Wales, N&S Ireland, where most people speak with their countries accent. I wasn't allowed to speak with an accent, though would like to- was taught The Queen's English (I had elocution lessons!!!)- remember me mentioning Dad didn't like the way Tony spoke- Proper London- just like Eliza Doolittle (My Fair Lady?)

Well, after wasting 45 mins on a lost post, I should start writing in word, or from Internet Explorer- I'm on Google Chrome now, and I don't have the tools at the top (save, attachments, emoticoms etc) I only get them with this server when I go into edit. So strange. In fact I'm going to word now, just in case!

I've had the wind taken out of my sails by the return of Dave from the pub, with plenty of beers inside him. I politely listened to him and his monologue at full volume for as long as I could bear, before taking my leave for the silence of my room. K was keen for Poppy not to have to be obliged to lie to Dave about my whereabouts last night, but I’d already told her where I was- she is good at protecting me, so she was OK about it. I never ask him where he’s been anymore, though he wants to know where I am/have been. He was gone from 11am til 9pm on Saturday, and not once did he offer me information as to his whereabouts. I can’t get in touch with him bc he doesn’t carry a phone, which was very annoying bc he had the car keys on him, so I was grounded, had to get a neighbour to take Sam to work. He spends money like water, doesn’t tell me how much or on what. I just keep an eye on the bank balance online, so know where and how much, but am not up to challenging him. He never calls to say he’ll be late home, and rarely eats his meals with us now. Last night the children and I had a lovely quiet meal, happy, no agro, both gave me cuddles, told me they loved me. So different, something to be said for his abscence!

Kate, that is a fab idiom, Between a Rock and a Hard Place. It serves to describe a lot in my life. Sam had to play a piece by that name for his Grade 7 Sax exam last year, and it was less than pleasant!

Dave uses drugs most days. I have asked and asked him to be discreet if he must. I don’t wish to control him, but I would at least expect him to accept my wishes. There was a period of a few years when he didn’t use cannabis as he is now, but just occasionally, it was one of the things that I was firm about when I agreed to marry him. When Sam became a teen I was even more desperate for him to keep his habit from the children. Now he seems to have no desire to hide it, he leaves it lying around, and I have to put it out of the way. Sam says he has known about it for a long time, esp when Dad is drunk bc he doesn’t hide it at all. It is obvious from how he rolls his cigarette (he smoke roll-ups) and from the smell as well as his blatent comments. What he is smoking now is particularly pungent, that’s why I could smell it in Sam’s room well after it had been smoked, outside in the fresh air. Sam shows no desire to drink too much (but there has been the odd time), smoke or try anything illegal at the moment, but I guess it’s fairly normal to try. During an evening when Poppy was enjoying Dave’s light hearted mood (one of few occasions) she asked him to tell her some things from when he was growing up. He told her that he used to grow marijuana in his home, and had a large stock. His home was raided and he was arrested and charged with drug offenses. Poppy excitedly told me that he had told her this one evening, and that she respected him for the things that he had done in his ‘misspent youth’. I said I felt uncomfortable with her hearing these things, told her that it shouldn’t be something to be proud of, and that he was irresponsible and not a good role model telling her such things. She did say at the time that she wouldn’t tell me things like that again if I was going to disapprove, so I guess that is quite possible. At the moment she tells me much of this and that, so I don’t want to discourage her by being too judgemental.

So my feelings... I hate it. I used to be very upset with him ‘using’ in the home, but it’s just another of those things that I can do little about. If he wants to smoke it, then that’s what he’ll do, regardless of how I feel, and if I wish to say anything against it, then I am miserable and get a life. I feel strangely numb to all these things now, drink, drugs, arguments, etc. They do affect me when I talk about them during therapy, enormously, but as they are happening I feel nothing. Sam and I were having a conversation the other day, I was in the kitchen, he went to get something from the freezer in the porch and we continued talking. Dave was sitting at the table (for once not part of the conversation). I’m deaf in one ear, and wasn’t wearing my hearing aid (Best not to at home!!) I had to say pardon on several occasions, and the last time he repeated to me what Sam had said in the loudest bellow possible. I just looked at him and kept on with my cooXXXXX, XXXXX came in and was cross with him. Dave said I hate shouting, Sam said you’ve scared Mum, I said I really don’t care. Which is how I felt. So, I have a very small voice. The only thing I have a voice for is to carefully inform him of the monetary situation without suggesting that he isn’t earning adequately, but his standard reply is, if we need to pay some bills, then use our savings. I have no choice but do that. I am very thankful though, that I am able to be dominant with much of what the children do, they only ask me, and I do all the fetching and carrying, parents evenings, subject decisions etc, mostly bc he’s not bothered at all.

While I was driving into town this morning with Sam, he asked me if I wanted to separate from Dad. I said I would be at some stage, I couldn’t go on living with him as he is. He agreed that it is less than pleasant, and he thinks that surely Dad should know by now. He said that of course he would be upset that the family would be split, and that he would worry that Dave wouldn’t cope on his own. I agreed that he wouldn’t find it easy, he said he would go visit him and not leave him all alone. I asked if he had said anything to Poppy. He said he’d thought about talking to her yesterday, they walked to the shop together to get sweets. I said it would be good of him to sound her feelings out, but to be careful to catch her when she is feeling upbeat, like she was yesterday. He thinks she is well aware of how things will pan out, and I’m sure he’s right. I would like her to ask me about it, like Sam has done. Perhaps she will if Sam has a word.

Oh dear, got carried away once I got the flow going again! sorry.

Hope you had a yummy tea. We had fish and chips. Mmm

Have you ever been to NYC? Am thinking the 9/11 anniversary is near. Still as horrifying as it was 10 years ago.

I work late tomorrow so might have a few mins before I go, or later when I’m home. BTW I went to the chemist today to ask for Melononin as I’m almost out of my night sedation. I was awake til gone 1am struggling to get to sleep, thumb and all, had to read for a while and pop a zopiclone before I finally slept. Sadly they don’t sell it here, so I’ll have to look at other otcs- don’t want to keep filling my script endlessly.

Nite Kate, have a good evening. Hope the kids are happy.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Sorry I am late getting back to you. I needed to go out to help family with a project and we got stuck there for a while.

 

We did have a nice dinner. Sort of all on our own tonight, pick what you want kind of thing. I'll do that if we have leftovers. The kids enjoy trying to get away with not eating their veggies! We only eat dinner, no tea. I would love to have tea. What is that like?

 

I would love to hear what you find different about what I say compared to what you are used to. I am curious what sounds different to you. I have always enjoyed hearing English accents. I grew up in the South, where the accent is derived from the original English settlers and I had friends from the UK. Part of my family is from County Claire in Ireland and some are from the UK but I have no idea what part. Of course, I am like you. My exposure to other places is limited to what I see here. But I do order my candy from the UK. My husband is a huge fan of pontefract cakes and they don't make them here. And American liquorice is awful!

 

The States do have different accents. Where I grew up in the South even, there are different accents. The accent in Virginia is much lighter than the one in Georgia. But to a Northerner (or Yankee as we call them), all Southerners sound alike. Northerners have an odd accent that I'm not sure how to describe. Listen to John F. Kennedy, the American President from the 1960's, and you will see what I mean! He was a Yankee. People in Florida kind of have a mixture, with a heavy influence from Mexico and Cuba. Westerners usually either have a slight cowboy/Southern accent or none at all.

 

I would enjoy hearing your accent too! The Queen's English sounds very formal. I always enjoyed listening to Princess Diana speaking, if that is an example. She was quite popular here in the States.

 

The situation with Dave is difficult. He gives you no recourse because each time you try to set a rule down, he blames you for trying to enforce it. So trying to change him or his behavior is a not possible. He is too involved at this point to want to change and he does not have the motivation. Not when he can spend most days living without responsibilities and practically on your dime.

 

So the only thing that can change in this situation is you. You are already working on self esteem, which is great. It will help you gain the strength you need when you do decide if you want to leave. But there needs to be more at this point. I think you are ready to make some small changes to move you towards independence from Dave, whether that is leaving the relationship or changing it so it is bearable for you.

 

What do you feel would be a good first step? It can be something like starting to identify different responses to Dave's behavior (i.e. you take the car keys and he finds another way to the pub) to separating your money from his and allowing him to suffer the consequences of his spending habits. Those are only examples. This needs to be something you feel you can accomplish without too much anxiety. If you experience too much anxiety with it, it will be too hard to do.

 

The numbness you are feeling when dealing with Dave is most likely your need to shut off your feelings. Dealing with Dave's behavior is overwhelming and does not allow for you to have feelings. Dave shuts you down and you may also shut yourself down for protection. You become a non entity that just reacts and survives. Finding your voice again, to borrow from K, is primary. It may not matter to Dave, but it matters to you and your wellbeing. Have you and K worked on this yet? I don't want to step on any toes here.

 

Do you know if you are allowed to order Melotonin on line? Two places you may want to try is Kirkman Labs here in the U.S. www.kirkmanlabs.com or Walmart. I know Walmart has it for sure because that is where I get our supply.

 

Have a good night Rose. I look forward to talking to you soon.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

I am very happy to hear from you whenever you have time, I am so lucky to be in touch with you, no apologies needed. I hope the family project is interesting and productive!

Yes, Princess Diana did speak the Queen's English, which basically means well pronounced, clear diction, no sounds dropped, and without accents. The news casters during the war, and all radio commentators of that time would speak that way. But people are much more relaxed with the way they speak these days, it has changed a lot, the Queen is rather too 'plummy'! The children speak without accents, but tend to drop certain letters through laziness and copying of their peers (eg t's,)- I tell them to speak properly!

K has spoken a lot about Princess D, especially around the time of the Royal Wedding. I understand there was alot of interest in the Wedding, and many of you watched it live in the middle of the night. K and I had skype on throughout the morning (my morning, from 2am in Colorado) so we were chatting while it was all happening! She bought some scones and had tea from cup and saucer!! She is funny. She knew more about who was who than I did.

Tea is a middle/upper class thing to have- afternoon tea, at 4-5pm with scones or cake, something to tide you over til 'dinner'time. We still had formal tea when I was growing up, esp when we visited family. Cafes serve Afternoon Tea, and Devonshire cream teas, which is English breakfast tea in a teapot, two scones, strawberry jam and clotted cream. The cream and jam are spread REALLY thickly on the halved scones, and consumed with relish- they are delicious. Our evening meal can be tea, supper or dinner, depending on what word rolls off my tongue easily that day. Strickly speaking it should be supper, which is an informal evening meal. Dinner is usually reserved for a more formal meal with visitors, or going to a restaurant to eat. Though anything goes these days!

I thought you must have Irish and/or English ancestors, not only bc of your name, which I assume is your married name (but maybe not), but bc most white Americans do have an ancestry from this side of the Ocean. My mother’s side of the family were also from S Ireland, but more recently. My great grandfather was a Reverend. We call candy sweets- I can work that one out! But I’ve never heard of pontefract- I thought it was a place name somewhere!! I must look it up and try it. I hadn’t thought of trying to buy melatonin on line, what a good idea. I’ll check it out tomorrow.

I have to go to work in a minute. Dave had another heavy night last night, another bottle of wine on top of the evening in the pub. He get up an hour ago, but has now gone back to bed. He will be out all night tonight, gone well before I get home from work. He has been asked to manage a bar at a party nearby, change the barrels etc, keep and eye on the barstaff. It couldn’t be more up his street. The landlord asked him to do this so he jumped at it, esp as there are 6 bands playing, and he was asked to bring his drum along. He does make his own way to the pub/ out generally, sometimes he has the car, but usually he’s in the van. Last week when I was grounded he took his van, but had the keys to the car in his pocket!!

I will catch you later, have a good Saturday with your kids, til I speak later.
Thanks for all you time, I love speaking with you,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow Rose, I learned more in just your first two paragraphs than I have in all my life! Very interesting.

 

How long have you and K worked together, if you don't mind my asking?

 

Yes, I think most Americans watched the Royal wedding. I was in high school at the time and I got up to watch it. It was about 4 am for us. Not too bad! But Diana had everyone here entranced and still does to some extent. She was an interesting person. I don't pay too much mind to all the hype over the Royals but it does draw you in somewhat, especially when it is everywhere you look!

 

Diana's pronouncation was very good but to most Americans we can't tell much difference with the accents. I can hear the more cockney accent compared to the Queen's English but beyond that, it sounds mostly the same. When you mentioned speaking without an accent, I could not imagine what that sounds like! To my ear, all English people have an accent. But I imagine Americans must sound the same to you.

 

Thank you for the explanation of Tea. I have always wanted to understand it better. They do sell Devonshire cream here in the specialty/international section of the grocery store. I've had it and really liked it. Very thick but addicting! I also like Digestives which I keep on hand at home. They are wonderful with tea and for the kids when they get upset tummies!

 

I've made scones before with marmalade but nowadays I don't have too much time to indulge in baking like I used to. They do have Tea here, mostly in places like New York at the fancier restaurants. Little girls can have "Tea" parties for birthdays, again at the higher end places. But for the most part, we have dinner at night and a light snack maybe before bed and that's it. Quite boring! Some people from Europe still have a formal dinner at noon then a light supper at night. My husband's family did it that way. They were immigrants from Germany.

 

Yes, some people in the US have family from Europe. But we do have quite a mixture nowadays. There are lots of Mexicans, a good portion illegal, which is becoming almost an epidemic and a main topic in government. There are many from India, lots from Italy and China. It depends on what part of the country you are in as to what you see. The European influence is becoming less and is being blended out with the influx of other cultures. We also have African Americans, who are descendants of the original slaves, not a proud part of American history. The number of different cultures can cause some conflicts which is a hot topic here, but for the most part, people get along. The same in any democracy.

 

Sweet shoppes in the UK are wonderful! We have some stores here, but few and far between. Being from the South, I have a horrible sweet tooth and UK sweets are far better than American sweets. I mostly buy from this site: http://www.candysweetstore.com/. They sell the pontefract cakes cheapest so far. But I like to try just about anything because it is different than the standard sweets we have here.

 

I also get my soap from the UK. They make the best lavender soap around.

 

You may also want to try GNC here in the States for the Melotonin, if you cannot find it at home.

 

Dave is going to manage a bar. While I agree with you that it is something that appeals to him, it must be hard for you to hear. Putting an alcoholic right in with the alcohol is a train wreck waiting to happen. What do you feel about this decision he has made? Did he discuss it with you or did you have any input about it? Given Dave's history, I imagine that you were not consulted but you should have been.

 

I hope your day goes well at work. I will be thinking of you!

 

Kate

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

You are funny!! Wrong Royal Wedding!! I know we were talking about Diana, but I meant the William Royal Wedding this year!! Sorry :) I hope I'm not THAT much older than you! I have only worked with K since, well, just shy of a year. Of course I don't mind, I'll tell you anything.

Thanks so much for your lovely long post,...but I can't press the green accept button! EVERY post you write is therapeutic... Just a few words later, your time is precious.

Rose the nurse was on form today. Shame Rose the individual let her down. What more can I say? That is the story of my life. She keeps bringing her down, time after time, little hope of change. But Rose the nurse was on top of her work, and her patients were happy, her No 1 priority. Report was fine.

Should I be asked? Is that what usually happens in a balanced relationship? There is not a chance that he would discuss the bar tending with me, even if I was working and the children were younger, he would never put himself out when there is something he wants to do, I would have to make other plans to enable him to do what he wants. If I had any input to prevent him from going to this event, I would be made to feel like a wicked witch, albeit in his best interests- he would find a way of going even if it meant him lying to get out of the house, he would say he was going to see someone, then go where he'd intended. He's done that before. Kate, I simply don't try anymore, I
have given up attempting to think of his health, I try not to think about the pennies, that is far too scary to contemplate. He will have easy access to the beer tonight, and I'm sure it will be free flowing. he is my oldest and most troublesome child, but I have washed my hands of him, he is out of my jurisdiction. I don't know what to do anymore, there is nothing to be done.

I think about how little I feel, and I worry that I won't be able to feel again. I feel that I am that cold and unfeeling person that Dave accuses me of being, though I lack no feelings for my children, or my animals. I almost am unable to cry, unless I am feeling raw, in the Drs office, trying to talk about my inner turmoils, or with K or you thinking, talking about what is deep within. I was remembering the other day how I used to go to bed at night, since being with Dave, and cry into my pillow bc he didn't want to come to bed unless I was open to sex. I began to feel that there would be no closeness unless sex was involved, and I was very sad. But now I don't cry for that anymore, that is long gone, and I wonder if I have hardened myself so much that I will ever soften again.

I must try to sleep, not be awake if or when Dave gets home. Goodness knows how he'll get home, it's a good drive away. I am very worried, but I must tell myself that it isn't my responsibility, I am just his wife.

Take care Kate

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Whew. I'm glad it was the most recent royal wedding. I was about to get worried!

 

It sounds like you and K have built a very solid relationship. I am glad you have her there for you. I can tell she means a lot to you.

 

That Rose you are talking about, the nurse that was so on today, is you. Separating the confident part of you from the low self esteem part of you is a way for you to not face that you can be confidence all the time. You choose when you are confidence. As a nurse, you know your stuff. You can afford to be "on" because you choose to feel confident in your knowledge and skill.

 

The trouble comes when you decide that you are not good in certain areas. As much as it is about feeling, it is also about thought. What you think about yourself is how you feel about yourself. If you believe that you are good at something, you have a much better chance of excelling and building your confidence in that area. It doesn't mean you have to be the best, XXXXX XXXXX have to think you are good enough. And you can do that. You are smart and resourceful.

 

Yes, you should be asked about Dave and his decisions. That is a balanced relationship. You knew that earlier on in your marriage when you tried to balance what Dave was doing with what was normal. He just avoided it, lied about it or outright defied you. He does not recognize normal behavior. So you gave up. To keep trying would have been too hard, just like you said. But that does not mean it is right. Looking at what should be helps you see what is not there. That is important. Unless you see it, you will settle for the status quo and pull yourself down more. And that is what Dave is counting on. He wants you to conform to his dysfunctional behavior and uses his influence with you to get you to do what he wants. He is bullying you. That is not something you need to accept.

 

You are completely normal with your feelings. You have shut down to protect yourself, a very healthy way to react to abuse. Many of the abuse survivors I have worked with shut down in one form or another to cope. It does not mean you don't have feelings, you just don't have them towards Dave. And you also must protect yourself in your own home. So you cannot be yourself in a place where you are supposed to be able to be yourself. But you have feelings towards Sam and Poppy, you have them about your work, and you are certainly fine with me and with K. That tells me that you are healthy. I think if you were able to get away from Dave, you would find that part of yourself coming back, probably slowly, but surely.

 

Feeling worried about Dave coming home is part of being traumatized over and over. He is uncontrollable to you, so you react instead of acting. That is how abuse works for anyone in your situation. Is there any way you feel you could act to gain some control over your situation? You cannot control Dave so controlling yourself and your situation is the best way to help yourself. What are your choices for responding to Dave at times like these?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate!

I've just been having a browse in your sweetie shop! I had to see what a pontefract cake was, never heard or seen it before. I do like licorice, but in small doses. At least I'm happy it is a place too, in the North of the UK. If I was to choose from the sweet selection it would have to be... coconut rolls, haribo rhubarb & custard, chocolate ginger, or jelly babies!

Melotonin was available in Health food shops until 1995, but was banned bc it was deemed a medicinal product (where it was previously seen as a nutritional supplement.) I read that it is illegal to buy and import from another country, it is a px only med!! Oh well, interesting research if nothing else!

Now I'm confused- I've found a UK site that sells it, with no mention of it being illegal. I guess I'm OK now then, have to get ordering. :)

Catch you later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Yum, now I'm hungry from reading your list! I love the coconut sweets too. I better get on the ball and order before Christmas.

 

I am sorry to hear that it is so hard to get the Melotonin. Hopefully, the site you found will allow you to order it without trouble. Let me know what happens.

 

Have a good day!

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

K has been very good to me, and has been very pro-active in my current treatment, she was in touch with my GP and psychiatrist to persuade them that I should try Cymbalta, as she felt I needed a stronger medication. My psych was amenable, she had found research to suggest that the combination of Cymbalta and Mirtazapine was effective in resistant depression. My GP had never considered Cymbalta before, just stuck everyone on Citalopram (my 1st med) or Sertraline (2nd), so when I asked her myself she said no, but now she says she px Cymbalta as much as the others! K was also an advocate in my fibro diagnosis. I have much to be thankful to her for, and am embarrassed with the NHS for their lack of care of me, especially as I was feeling in a bad way. K has been upset that I haven't been treated well, and she has pushed on my behalf. So she has got me through a lot.

But Kate, it is OK to be talking to you too? I have been feeling so much more stable and in control being able to write to you, and it is something that I treasure, our communication, and there are still many things that I don't feel able to voice, that I can only write about.You have encouraged me to think from different angles, and explore feelings not yet found. K has done a lot for me, but you are doing equally, if not more for me, more and more every day, things that happen daily, that I will forget when I see K, or they will lose their impetus, and need to be talked about as they are happening. I couldn't deal with those things if I weren't speaking with you, and so they would be built up and never let out. It is very valuable to me to be able to read and re-read, go back over and make sure I am getting everything important- I hang on to your every word, and value your knowledge and insight enormously. My memory is so bad I often can’t remember what we talked about during my session with K, and sometimes there is little continuation.

Oh me, oh my. The tears tumbled down. Me, stuck, cornered, no way out, too much in the way. Me. tears again. OK, so this is something that is really hard. I have to think I am good enough. But I don’t want to go out there, it screws me up, scares me, the being with people. If I can’t do the being with people then I can’t do the thinking, that it’s OK to be me, that I don’t have to be the best. I am feeling extremely inhibited of social interaction, even in the staff room where I am an equal, and I know my stuff, and no-one knows anything about me and my sorry life, but I am still like a little church mouse, hiding away, not wanting to talk about me, not wanting to share anything. I am introverted, and see it is a problem, if I can’t accept it then what do others think? And so I want to stay away, just do my work. I couldn’t hide my pain yesterday, and Anna asked if I was OK, I just said I was fine, and changed the subject away from me. Business only, not personal, not even chitchat.

It is easier to deal with Dave than it is to deal with me.

Thank you for helping me to understand why I lack those feelings. I guess it is a defence mechanism, I have built myself a scaffold tower to protect myself, but the walls inside are still being chipped away, the paint washed off, damage being done. You are patching me up, filling in the holes, making me whole again. Then the scaffolding can be removed, so that I can feel myself again, feel the sun and the rain. Oh, it would be SO good to be free of Dave. I hope I come back.

I wish I wasn’t in such a muddle all the time.

It’s Sunday Kate, please reply tomorrow unless you wish otherwise. I hope you are having a good day, and your daughter’s last day of the hols has been fun!

Take Care

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it sounds like K is a wonderful advocate for you! I am so glad you have her. She definitely has your best interest at heart.

 

Absolutely, it is fine for you to be talking with me as well! Usually, having two therapists talking with one person is not recommended. But in your situation, I think K addresses one need and I can be there for whatever else you need. As you said, our talks help you address needs of the moment, whereas K can help you with longer term goals and needs such as advocating for the right medications. However, if you ever feel anything you hear from us is conflicting or we overwhelm you with a topic, please say so. I know K wants you to feel you are getting the best from her. And I feel the same. So we need you to tell us what you need and when.

 

Knowing that you are just as good as anyone else is takes time. Yes, it is scary. You are used to believing that you are lower than others. Although that is painful, it is also safe. I understand your hesitancy to put yourself out there because you feel it is risky. As an introvert, it is natural to want to stay in yourself. Also, I believe after getting to know you that you have a lot of pain you need to hide. You feel sensitive to others and their moods and feelings, especially if you feel they reflect on you. Projecting your feelings of low self worth onto others and feeling that they see you as you see yourself is common for people with low self esteem. After all, how can they think well of you if you are not worthy? But that is a misconception that you have about yourself. What you believe about yourself is not what others believe. Most people are too preoccupied with their own issues to even be concerned with what is going on with you so your projection is about how you feel and is not accurate.

 

I think part of the issue here is that you have been surrounded by people who are narcissistic and who are very critical of you your whole life. Because you were raised by people who found fault with you and now you are married to someone who finds fault with you, then it is easy to believe that others in your world will also find fault with you. But what if you were raised by parents who thought the world of you? What if they were fair, accepted you for who you were, encouraged you with your choices in life and were full of love in their treatment of you? Think of how you treat Poppy and Sam. Do you think poorly of them? What happens when they do something wrong? How do you react? What if they told you that they felt you didn't like them and you thought they were useless? How would you react?

 

Also, imagine you were in a marriage where your husband respected you. He took care of you, talked to you about your problems, laughed with you and thought the world of you. How would you feel about yourself then? Would you find that acceptable?

 

You are doing great, Rose! Your feelings will emerge as we work on this and you will feel more whole as time goes on. Changing your thoughts about yourself will help you change how you feel about yourself. But this takes time. You are used to thinking one way your whole life. Seeing things from another perspective can pull you out of the place you are in and set you on a new path.

 

It's getting late for you so if I don't hear from you tonight I'll be here tomorrow. Have a good night, Rose!

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

I am so relieved. I was concerned that maybe I was asking too much to be talking to you as well as K.

Mark came by. now got to dash to work.

Til Later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning, Rose!

 

I hope I didn't cause you a fright! I'm sorry if I did. There is no way I'm going anywhere until you feel you are ready to get rid of me!

 

I hope work goes well. Let me know how it went with Mark.


Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Well I am totally and utterly drained, such a shift I don't wish to repeat. Feeling OK while I was in it (didn't have time not to be) but now that I am out, i reflect that I can't bear the stress now my health is declining. I used to cope, but things have changed- my head has a lesser capacity for multi tasking, and my body has zero capacity for full-on ward work. Hey ho.

Looks like you're stuck with me for keeps then Kate, we will have to grow old together! LOL :) There'll be no getting rid of you- I'll have to be super duper tip top swinging from the trees happy larry- we have our work cut out!

I was going to tell you about Dave's all day bender yesterday before Mark appeared in my doorway! Who thought it was a good idea to have all day opening hours? Kids and I had a lovely Sunday roast for 'supper', and he rolled in at 11.30 with 2 or 3 companions and set the dogs off! This morning I find wine spilt across a pile of paperwork on the table, insurance papers the lot! All in a days play.

Anyway, Mark. Arrived (didn't seem to need an excuse today), made me coffee (I was ironing my uniform) said sorry if he'd upset me by asking me to go away with him the other day, said he didn't want to have missed any opportunities, so I guess he'll just keep asking. He told me a bit about his plans for the future, that he will definitely be leaving, just wants to get his finances in order. He wanted to hold my hand, and was flattering of my looks and figure, and sympathetic to happenings at home. I have 2 weeks away from work from next week, and he was asking my plans. I will be keeping them close to my chest for the time being, I need him to stay away. He does know that, but like he said, if he doesn't try, he won't know. Sigh. Simple life?? I wish.

I'm working with my young disabled lady tomorrow. She's having her 6 weekly visit to the hair salon, where she is truly pampered by a VERY gay hairdresser ( and pays handsomely for his TV advertising fame!) I will go down to the beach, I might have a snooze in the car, or write to you, or sit in the sun. See what the day brings.

Late now, you're tea time. Hope your daughter's school was well worth the wait, nice new shiny classrooms, ultra modern concourse, State of the Art sports hall! Sam is a happy boy, had a great first day.

Take care

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Yeah, Sam! I'm happy to hear his first day went so well. Did he have a favorite subject today? What is his school like?

 

I am sorry that your day was so hard at work. It sounds like the fibromyalgia is getting worse. What are your treatments and do they help? Do you have anything at home that helps?

 

You are too funny, Rose! Thank you for the laugh. Swinging from the trees happy...I will have to borrow that! Growing old together sounds lovelySmile

 

Do you feel Dave is getting worse? You mentioned his all day bender. Is he usually like that? Do you mind if I ask how old Dave is? And how long he has been drinking? My concern is for his health. I have worked with alcoholics that drank so much they could not even function anymore. I am hoping that Dave is not headed that way, but it sounds like it could be. That could put a huge burden on you. You may need to plan ahead if you end up staying in your marriage, or maybe even if you don't. The kids will need your help since they would be next of kin.

 

I could not imagine what it is like for you waking up to Dave's mess. He really dumps on you. Like you said, it is like having another child, except Sam and Poppy are considerate and care for you. Dave does not. How are you feeling after seeing what Dave left for you to deal with?

 

Mark seems to be putting the pressure on. What is your response to him when he brings up his feelings about you? I know you mentioned you told him before about how you felt. Are you repeating the same response to him or have you changed your response?

 

I'm sorry to ask so many questions. It just gives me more of a global picture of the situation and in particular, of your feelings about what you are going through. It is important that we work towards increasing your self esteem which will help you feel you have some power in these situations.

 

Yes, my oldest had a good day first at school thank goodness! She had a rough year last year so I was praying that this year would be easier. She loves all of her classes and the school is finally caught up to the 21st century with computers and Promethean boards. She has a BioMed class she is thrilled about, right up your alley!

 

I hope you get a chance to rest tomorrow while your patient gets pampered. You deserve some down time. Let me know what you end up doing. It would be nice if you could get pampered right along with your patient. I bet the hairdresser is quite good, with a flair!

 

Take care, Rose! I'll talk with you soon,

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I have delivered Alexis to her superstar hair doer, and have almost 2 hours. I’m sitting in my car, sun warming me, looking out over Torbay and the rough English Channel, white crested waves, smelling the salty sea air. We have just had the biggest squall, but now the skies are blue, and the icecream van is ever hopeful! I have myself a coffee, and a slice of carrot cake, and I am nearly swinging from that tree. My biggest smiles are with reading your posts!

My shift was full on yesterday. I also had to deal with a very angry and abusive relative. I was very calm with her, and managed her very carefully (it was directed at a problem that existed before we took care of her partner) I didn’t think anything much of her attitude until the sister picked up on her aggressive behaviour, and asked me if I needed support. Things happened very fast after this, and i managed to get him discharged rapidly, so diffused the situation. It was only after they had gone, and the sister said I coped with her very well, that I thought how normal it felt for me to have someone speak to me like this, and so I wasn’t outwardly upset by it. I was, however, shaking more than I would have liked (I hate for the nurses to see me like that, I had trouble getting the right piece of paper for the discharge from the notes, and couldn’t write on the boxes of drugs- had to check them off with the sister) and it took a while for me to settle down. I really felt like I could do with a little diazepam (just 1 mg), and I had my hand on the drawer (mine were at home) before I pulled myself up. I would be in big big trouble. I take pretty strong painkillers as it is, but they are my own. I have cut my arm, just small cuts that could pass as bramble thorns from gardening. I want to see them, I see them when I feel stressed and they calm me. It is an odd feeling, like I have a secret but I am not hiding it. I looked at them a lot yesterday, they took me to my room, my sanctuary, my being alone, being with you. I know I need a charm, not cuts, a charm that I can hold when I feel like that, that will take me somewhere else, that will remind me of you. What could I use? What is your favourite stone (Rose quartz, tiger’s eye, agate etc) I will work on that while I’m off work next week.

I don’t know if my fibro is getting worse, some days are good and some are not. Today is not, but that is bc yesterday was so stressful and active. The more I do on one day, the worse I am on the next day, esp if I don’t get a good rest in between. I have to be careful not to do 2 shifts back to back (I don’t count my day with Alexis, but I should, sometimes I do 3 in a row, with Alexis in the middle. That really exhausts me and I feel unwell) It is taking me a while to accept that I need to slow down, that my life will have to be different, that I need to change my work pattern and get enough rest. It will take forever for Dave to realise that, he has shown no insight into my needs, and I ask for little- I don’t want to be..beholding/ dependent ................... to him, and make it more difficult for me to leave. Cymbalta is FDA approved for Tx of fibro pain, and I also take Solpadol (codeine/paracetamol combo) but it isn’t adequate, and I need to see the Pain Team. Just waiting to see if I can be referred. Otherwise it’s just rest, rest, plenty of sleep (joke) and NO STRESS!!

Sam saw me trying to sort out the wine stained paperwork yesterday. I told him that Dave had split wine on them. He was very cross, said that he is just like a child.
Did I tell you that Dave’s dad was an alcoholic? Died of liver cirrhosis? It’s not a pretty ending. If I mention it at all, he says you have to die of something. He’s an insulin dependent diabetic, and shouldn’t be drinking for that reason if nothing else.

I’m home now and want to get this off to you, I need a rest before I can cope with the rest of the evening. I’m seeing K later, then pick Sam up from work. I want to come back later, so I will try and feel up to it after all is done and I’m tucked up. Dave didn’t go to work today (just discovered) He said he was feeling sick and shaking uncontrollably last night and didn’t sleep at all. I don’t think he went to the pub last night, nor had any at home. How long does it take for alcohol withdrawal to take place? I will google it now.

So glad your daughter had a good first day- Biomed, love it (health science in English I guess!) I was helping Poppy understand heart disease and the effect smoking and lifestyle has on your body. She is so easy to help, a huge contrast to Sam! Sam didn't have any lectures yesterday, will hear all about it later. His college is enormous, spread over several different sites, lots of tooing and froing if your subjects are spread between different faculties. It's the same college I went to when I was 16,much has changed, but some remains the same. Not the best experience for me.

Talk later

Rose

Ps, I'm so glad you liked my updated poem and photo of the children. Will post some more soon.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Salty air, coffee, carrot cake (yum, I love carrot cake!) and alone time? It sounds absolutely divine! How long do you think it would take me to get there?

 

You handled the irate relative very well. Not all people can stay calm in a situation like that. It takes a special person to focus and get the job done while under pressure. Being shaky afterward is so normal too. I've been in situations like that before and I took a while to calm down. And it can stay with you for a day or two even. It is traumatic and upsetting. Each event you are exposed to like that traumatizes you. You may be used to it, but I think that you have defenses you have built up against such attacks that it may not seem to affect you. But it did, and that is good. It means you aren't so removed from the trauma that you don't feel anything. It is ok that you thought about taking some medication. The point is that you did not. Thinking about something and not doing it is ok. Doing it is something else.

 

Thinking about a substitute for cutting is an excellent idea. You need to substitute those feelings. I am touched that thinking of our talks helps you so much. If it would comfort you, my favorite stone is a sapphire. Is there a favorite stone you have? You could add it to the necklace then have the two of us together. What do you think?

 

No stress?!! That is funny. Good luck on that one. That is kind of silly. Life is stressful. Reducing your stress may be more possible. But stopping it is not.

 

Thank you for explaining your fibro. I am sorry you have to live with this disorder. It cannot make your life easy day to day. I hope the doctors are able to give you medication that can help, either more and something else.

 

Dave is not affected by his father dying such a horrible death, then he may not be seeing his alcohol addiction at all. That is some heavy duty denial.

 

I am glad Poppy and Sam are doing so well. They sound like great kids!

 

I am off to pick up mine from the bus stop. I will check back later to see if you are on. I will also look into the alcohol withdrawal for you. I have some books and papers on it so if you do not find an answer, I'll get one for you. Just for information- how long has Dave been drinking?

 

Talk to you soon,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

Very late coz skype messed up again. My computer's fault this time.

Talk tomorrow

Nite nite

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh that is so frustrating. Sorry to hear that. I hope your skype is up and running again soon. Were you trying to talk to K? I hope you got your session in.

 

I looked into alcohol withdrawal. I used to work as an drug and alcohol counselor but it's been a while and I'm a little rusty so it took me a bit to review. So here goes:

 

Withdrawal symptoms begin within 5 to 10 hours after the last drink. They do include the symptoms you described with Dave- the shakiness, nausea, vomiting and overall feeling of sickness. If Dave is drinking every day, then he is going to need that next drink within a few hours just to keep himself from getting sick.

 

He really needs to detox and get off the alcohol before it kills him. We both know that his denial will prevent that, but if he could ever break through, it would be good to catch this earlier rather than later. I have worked with people that drank their whole lives and got to the point that when they could not get alcohol within a few hours, they drank after shave instead. I don't mean to scare you. And I'm sure you know as a nurse what it does after so many years.

 

I understand your need to keep from being too dependent on Dave. Preparing to leave someday, you must think through all your options. I can see that. But if you can get him to help on some things, it would give you a desperately needed break. You work so hard already. I worry for you.

 

Have a good night, Rose. Sweet dreams.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning!

You are an early bird! I've just got up too, 2nd time, but for lunch! Not good today, that's what happens when it's too full-on.

Thank you for last nights post. PLEASE allow me to accept if you spend time for me :) Thanks for the withdrawal info, he's still not ay work today, but I haven't been up to speaking to him about it (I can't bear it when he hangs around the house)

I'll be back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning to you too! It's early here so I'm just trying to get my brain working.

 

You're welcome for the information on Dave's withdrawal. I wanted to get that to you before the day's end.

 

I hope your day improves. Bad days are awful. There seems to be more of them lately for some reason.

 

I'll be back later to check in. Talk to you then,


Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate

I don't like to think of you having bad days too. I hope you are OK. Part of today's problem is running out of Cymbalta, but I have picked up the script at last. It's scary to think that I need it so badly.

I absolutely can't stay with Dave. I feel so unsettled with his presence. I have been in my room all day, he is lounging around the house. I know I need to talk to him about the drinking, but he will be so angry.

More later


Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

It sounds awful that you have to hide in your room while Dave is home. What a way to live. I am sorry. I think you are right, if that is what your life has come to for you to get some peace, then it is time to think about your future. It is hard to face making big changes though. I understand. The decision is on you. That alone is enough to make you feel staying might be easier. You do have me and K, though. Whatever I can do to make it easier to deal with how you are feeling, I'm here.

 

You don't necessarily need to confront Dave about his drinking. It depends on what you feel would come out of it. Would he listen? Would it have an effect? How do the kids factor in? Would it cause more trouble for you? And the big question, do you feel if he listened and stopped drinking, could you stay with him?

 

In Dave's situation, you might be better off trying an intervention if your goal is to get him to stop using. I don't know if you have tried one before, but in cases where the person is so addicted and in denial they refuse to see anything, intervention can make a difference. If you think it is worth a try and I can help with more information, let me know.

 

I hope the situation with getting your script and the Cymbalta works out ok without any problems. Medications are so much fun, aren't they?!

 

I'll talk with you soon,

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Got Cymbalta sorted, kinda feeling better at last.

I've read the whole of this thread again today, and there's lots I want to catch up on.

Dave is 56. I guess he has been drinking to a certain extent all the time I have known him, 20+ years. I assume he was drinking some before that, and certainly using drugs much more than he is now. I feel that his drinking has increased since I was adamant that he wasn't to use drugs at home (but I knew that he was on the quiet either at home or going to a friends house), but I remember many occasions before children that he would drink hugely to excess, be stupourous, vomiting, hungover, wetting the bed, or not knowing where the right place to pee was. I would rarely sleep well after a heavy night in case he needed guidance to the bathroom. He drinks beer mainly, but also wine. If there is neither beer nor wine (unlikely) he will drink anything . We have been to 'dinner parties' where he would be continually topping up his glass with wine, or cracking a can. Our neighbour has commented on the speed at which he drinks! At Christmas I would hide bottles of wine or cans of beer under the bed, or at the back of the cupboards so that it didn't all disappear rapidly. He got wise to my hiding places. He usually has alcohol to some degree 5 times a week, but lately it has been daily, and last week he'd go straight to the pub from work at 4.30 ish, come home at 7 or 8, have supper (cold) and then look for more. I sometimes buy one bottle when I shop for groceries, and I've had one glass in the last couple of months. Sometimes he buys cans or bottles of beer if he's out and thinks he's going to be in.

Dave might well have insight into his drinking, but he chooses not to see it as being a problem. One response to a comment about it was- I have a life, and I'm living it. He is still feeling rough this evening, though hasn't gone off to the pub, and there is no booze left in the house. At Supper Sam asked him what he thought was wrong with him. I'd mentioned to Sam that I thought it might be lack of alcohol. Dave told him that he'd slipped up on Friday and hurt his back, and that he felt it was something to do with that. Sam didn't say anything else, (phew) but was nudging me under the table. I suggested that he go and see the Dr in the morning if he didn't feel better, but I know he won't say how much he drinks- I tried to persuade him to tell his GP a year or so ago, but told him he likes a drink now and again.

You asked me if K has worked on codependency. I'm not sure what that is- she may have and not called it that. I feel reluctant to suggest alanon to the children at this point, I don't want to draw their attention (esp Pop) to the bigger picture as she seems to be coping OK. I will watch very carefully, but unfortunately there isn't a local teen group of alanon, and I don't think they'd want to go to the adult group. Thanks so much for the other links re OLA and books etc. K did say she would do some work with me too (she has 1st hand experience of Al anon) so I think I'll stay away from the group at the moment.

I do feel Dave is getting worse. He used to drink maybe twice a week regularly, with other nights if there were social occasions. Now it seems to be every night to some extent. Sometimes he will drink all day if he can make the excuse to (I don't mean at home, unless he has his nephew visiting- he can pack a few beers away too!) When money was very tight years ago (before we sold our cottage and moved to the barn) I would hold the purse strings VERY tightly, and give him spending money when he wanted it. Since there has been more ready cash (so he thinks, with money in savings) he has been spending it much more freely, well beyond his income, and I think now the time has come to take some action with the bank accounts before there is nothing left.

Yes he dumps on me, always has. I just feel it’s easier to get on and clean up after him than to wait and hope he does it himself. I’m always up well before him, whatever day it is (he couldn’t hold a regular employed job, self employment suits him so well, he rarely pushes himself, and usually has the night before to sleep off. He never turns in early bc he has to get up in the morning, bc he knows he doesn’t have to!!) I feel a mug sorting out his mess. He knows I’ll do it. Like everything else. BUT I am NOT going to sort his room anymore- he put the duvet cover on himself after a week. I will vacuum, that is all. His clothes are dumped all over the floor, clean clothes in a pile waiting to be put away, bed never made, coffee cups lining up. Did I tell you he saw me changing my sheets a couple of weeks ago and he said my room could do with that, it’s like a dog kennel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I see wine spilt here or there, etc, it’s just affirming my feelings that I need out, and so I kinda want to see these things- it makes me feel better about wanting freedom. I mention his mess to him when he eventually appears, and he says yes, sorry, had a little accident. Never thanks for cleaning up after me.

When is the best time for me to write to you? When are you busiest at home. Please Kate, if ever you find you don’t have time to write to me, just leave me til you do, you must always make sure your family comes first, you need down time too.

I’m looking forward to my 2 weeks off work. K wants me to have time off from Alexis too, I’ll try one day, not both (Tuesdays)- unless she can get cover. I’m planning on 2 or 3 days in Cornwall. I want to walk a little of the coastal path, visit the Minack Theatre (I’ll post a pic if I get there) and Tintagel Castle, where legendary King Arthur was reputed to be born (but he is likely to be entirely fictional). I’ve had a little look at bed and breakfasts, getting quite excited. I hope the kids will be OK. I’m going to try and find a hotspot dongle thingy for internet so that I can still email. Can’t be without my email!

Thanks for telling me your favourite stone. Mine is ruby, or I'm happy with garnet. I have sapphires in my engagement ring- I love them too. That is a lovely idea to have them both side by side on a chain, I will have to see what I can find. otherwise, I will have to settle for your favourite semi-precious stone, if you have one.

Thank you for your time, as always

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate-I forgot to tell you something!

Dave started on a monologue (after slating Spanish being taught in schools) about the Moors habitation of Spain many centuries ago. Then proceeded to blame the Spanish Inquisition solely on catholocism. Poppy didn't want to listen to him (a bit heavy for her), I'd heard it a few days ago(!) and Sam was trying really hard. He was cross he didn't have our undivided attention, started shouting, said would you rather I wasn't here. Sam and I said nothing, Poppy said Yes. He left the table, but he has food for thought.

Rose :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I agree with you. Dave has been using a long time. Yes, Dave does have a life but he is not living it. He is wasting it on alcohol. He is in denial not so much about using alcohol but about the damage it is causing. He also does not want to live his life sober. I think that in order to deal with life, he uses alcohol to numb himself. It is very typical for an alcoholic to use reasons like Dave did to excuse their behavior. Because to give up using would mean facing who he is and what he is doing to his life and family.

 

It also takes a good dose of narcissism to keep the denial going. That is what helps Dave continue to treat you poorly and not think a thing of it. It also makes him feel anger when all of you won't listen to his monologue about the Moors habitation of Spain. He feels he is the center of the universe and everyone else is secondary. And it will not change unless he decides to change it.

 

Good for the kids for not giving in to Dave's temper tantrums! It is good that they learn some sort of defense against behavior such as this. They also need to know they have rights. Dave is their father, but it does not give him the right to hurt them. Finding that fine line is difficult but something they can learn.

 

It is great that you have boundaries with Dave now. I know I've mentioned this before, but settling a boundary here or there, slowly, helps you gain control and makes it easier if you decide to leave. Settling the bank account issue will give you a good portion of control and make Dave face up to his use of you for an income. Also, not cleaning up his area is wonderful. It takes a big burden off you. I also understand your need to see his messes all around. If it gives you the incentive to think about protecting yourself and getting out of the situation, then it is a good choice.

 

Co dependency is when someone has a relationship that is destructive in some way to themselves. The relationships are one sided, are abusive and can involve drug and/or alcohol addiction. Co dependency is usually a learned behavior from childhood and is from watching or being exposed to a similar relationship in the family. Co dependency occurs when someone is exposed to abusive behavior and feels pain, shame and anger that is ignored by themselves and their partner. The focus of the family becomes the person who is addicted or abusive. The family centers around his/her behavior and all others in the family lose identity and rights. The co dependent person has low self esteem and a deep feeling of being needed to feel worthy. This causes a cycle in the family of the abusive/addicted person using the co dependent partner to "care" for them and therefore helping the co dependent person feel needed in return. The cost of this is the co dependent persons individuality and self esteem.

 

At this point, you no longer quite fit the bill for a person who is a full co dependent. You see the problem for what it is and are working to get out. This removes you from co dependent to regaining your self esteem and re establishing the family as a unit away from the damage of Dave's behavior. But some of the characteristics of co dependents and how to cope with them may help you to gain more insight and strength to deal with your situation.

 

If you feel you want to work on co dependency, we can. It is up to you.

 

My best times on Just Answer are usually early afternoon (for me) and early evening. My schedule varies a lot depending on what is going on that day. But I want you to feel free to write anytime. I will write you as soon as I can. I am always interested in talking with you!

 

Your time away sounds wonderful. I am glad you have something to look forward to and some time to think and rest. Please, if you don't mind, let me know when you will be out of contact. Just a line or so to let me know. I would worry if you didn't write!

 

You have such interesting history where you are. We only have colonies and wars and only go back a little over 200 years! It is interesting, but not as interesting as yours.

 

I don't really have a favorite semi precious stone. I wish I could tell you something, sorry. I like blue so anything blue is usually what I pick.

 

Take care Rose and have a good night.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

How are you? Thank you so much for all your input. I was thinking today as I was driving, feeling like a person looking in on my home situation, and feeling oddly separate from it (for that moment in time), that it is not a good place to be. However I don't feel, being in it, that I have grasped how horrible it is to that someone looking in, I am trying to lessen it's stress on me by thinking that it's not so bad, but if it was someone else that was telling me of their troubles, I would think it a more unpleasant than I feel it is. That doesn't explain how I feel very well, but maybe you get my drift!!

 

I'm in our neighbours cottage (the one we used to own before we converted the barn), they are away. Just done with therapy, I'm very low today. I am at that wall, and in a muddle, big big muddle. A friend, Cathy came by this afternoon and wanted to know how things were going. She says I must get out for Poppy, she is confused, she had confided in her daughter that she was worried about what was going to happen. But she doesn't seem to want to talk to me, maybe she is afraid of what I will say. Cathy said I am not very open, I don't share well. If only she knew how hard I find it. But I will talk to Poppy this weekend.

 

I went to The House of Marbles this afternoon to find something to have and to hold that is blue!! I have 2 lovely blue marbles, and 2 red.

graphic graphicgraphic

 

Both the red are the same type. They fit nicely in my hand (2) and I can spin them round each other. I also got a keyring with pretty blue glass that spins on a central column. I couldn't find a picture of it, but it is very pretty. I will have them in my pocket at work tomorrow.

 

Cathy asked me if I was going away next week while Poppy was present. I hadn't had a chance to talk to her about it. She mentioned it at Supper time, and Dave wanted to know all about it. Who are you going with. I said just me. He said I don't think that's a very good idea. Well tough, that's what I'm doing, and I want to be alone. I going to look in to mobile internet this weekend so that I can still be in touch, don't think you're having time off too Kate!! No, seriously, I'm getting a dongle thingy cos I'd miss you too much, but if you want a break too, just say..... but of course I'll tell you when I'm off, you'll be having the count down!

 

Time to go home. Hope all is well there.

 

Take care

 

Rose

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh Rose, I can hear your feelings in your words. You do sound like you are feeling low. I need to be there to give you a hug. There is time for talking and a time for hugs and this is a hug time. I wish I could be there with you.

 

Taking a different look at your life is great. I think you did a very insightful and very difficult thing. But it is also healthy. And you explained how you felt about it very well. I understood completely. It is very true that while you are in it you cannot see it as bad as someone looking in. For to do that, you would have to face the stress and the trauma of it and that would require you to react. You would either have to leave or develop an emotional problem from the stress. But instead, you cope by shielding your feelings, having defenses and coping mechanisms. All people in these types of situations do that. And there are many people who live as you do every day. Most people do not have the perfect relationships we all imagine when we are young. So you are not out of the ordinary, unfortunately.

 

But I think your new perspective, even if you just look at it a little at a time, is a good way for you to start dealing with the trauma of your situation. It also encourages you to look at reality and let down your defenses some.

 

Cathy has an interesting perspective on you. If she only knew how open you really are! And how brave. Cathy telling you about Poppy must have been difficult. To hear what your daughter feels from someone else, even a friend, is not easy. I think your idea of talking to Poppy about it is good. Maybe it will help open up a link between you so she feels free to communicate more. Do you share your feelings with Poppy about Dave and all that goes on?

 

I love your attitude about your time away! It's about time you got your chance to do something for yourself. Dave is always taking care of number one, now it's your turn. It's a good step in gaining your individuality.

 

I never see time away from you as time off. This is not work to me. You know when people say that when you find something you would do for free as a "job" then you know you found your calling? Well, talking to you I would do for free. We have a wonderful connection and I would not give that up for the world (or at least until you are done with me! Then it will be hard still). So if you feel comfortable talking with me while you are away, I welcome it. I would miss you as well when you go on vacation if we did not have a way to talk. But I do understand your need for time to think and time alone. Everyone deserves that at least. But if you are up for our talks, please contact me!

 

Those marbles are so pretty! I have a thing for glass that is colored. It is irresistible to have something such as marbles or your keyring nearby to touch. For some reason, it is relaxing as well. I'm glad you found these things.

 

Have a good night, Rose. It is late where you are so I'm hoping that you are off in dreamland by now!

 

Talk with you soon,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate,

 

I closed my eyes and imagined you here with me, imagined us close to. I cried for the love and care you show to me, and I was comforted.

My Words are not adequate. Thank you

 

I am hard pressed to believe the words that you write to me, you make me feel real special; our connection is truly wonderful, and God sent. I will not be giving it up first. I will be with you, day in, day out, unless there is a technical problem beyond my control. Smile

 

I have to go to work now,

 

catch you later

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

*Smiles* I'm glad you feel better. It is hard to not be able to convey the comfort you can get by being together and not separated by so many miles. I feel the same way. Our relationship is a special one and God sent. There could be no other explanation.

 

Have a good day at work! I hope it goes well. I'll talk with you soon,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hey Kate,

 

Yes, I do feel better, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX but stronger today.

I've had a better shift today, less stressful, more in control. It was comforting to have my keyring in my pocket, it is smooth, very tactile, and I enjoyed having it in my hand. It is my bond with you. I'm glad you like coloured glass- I love it too. Have a look at the House of Marbles website- www.houseofmarbles.com for some wonderful marbles.

 

I've known Cathy for many years. She is critical of my lack of openess because she is very sharing. I have been unable to share with her, with anyone, instead pretending, not admitting. You know all about that. I wish that I could be the person that I am when I write, but my head won't let it be. But I am open and sharing with Poppy, she knows everything, how I feel, what goes on. I need to find out how she REALLY feels- she has told me that she and Dad are fine, he's fun, he won't hurt her. But I think that's just a cover-up. I will try to have a very careful conversation with her this weekend, and be totally honest with her. She deserves to know.

 

I wonder why Dave doesn't think it's a good idea for me to go away on my own. I have several ideas. 1. He thinks I'm not really going alone. 2. He doesn't want to have responsibility of the children, early mornings, evening meal, school routine- too much like hard work (and maybe no pub!) 3. He thinks that if I go anywhere he should be going too. 4. That I shouldn't be spending money on myself. He wouldn't talk to me this morning, apart from biting my head off bc there was no milk for his cereal! I asked him if I had done something to upset him, but he just ignored me. He is out tonight, gone before I got home, so that's a relief.

 

I am smiling too. Big time.

 

But I'm real tired now. Glad my leave is beginning.

 

Good night Kate

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

I will take a look at the website. Thanks for sharing it. I sometimes get a kick out of just seeing the pictures. How weird am I?!

 

I am glad that you can share with Poppy. Hopefully, she will feel the same about telling you how she feels. I imagine that her image of Dave is much like that of an idol. She sees him opposite of what he is. At her age, she is trying to form an view of her father and she doesn't want to see him as he is, probably because she is afraid or angry at him, so she changes it around to make her feel more comfortable and instead sees him as funny and interesting. In psychology it is called reaction formation. You may already know of this term from being a nurse. But it is how Poppy handles Dave and his issues. My worry is that when you try to talk to her, Poppy will become defensive. You will be turning her attention to her defenses and she is not going to like looking at them. She wants to avoid reality when it comes to Dave. I believe for Poppy, to see Dave as he is would be too painful.

 

If you don't mind my input (and it's fine to ignore it!), try being supportive of her but also let her know that disliking what Dave does is ok. Tell her about how you feel and that you don't hate Dave but you do not like his behavior because he hurts you (and others). If you go gently and back off when Poppy starts to get defensive, you may plant the seeds to help her see Dave's behavior for what it is.

 

I think your assessment of Dave's reasons for not wanting you to leave on vacation are exactly right! I think all of the reasons you gave are valid. When you mentioned before how he reacted to you saying you were going, it immediately popped into my mind that he is afraid you will not go alone. I think Dave is well aware that he makes you unhappy but he either lacks the motivation or the ability to do anything about it. He also does not want to lose you because he is dependent on you. Your support allows him to live as he does without the consequences. That is not your fault, but it is his for taking advantage.

 

Good for you, Rose! You are sticking to your guns on this one and it's nice to see.

 

I'm glad you get time tonight to yourself. Enjoy it! Have a good sleep and I'll talk with you soon.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Ohh, Rose that marble site is fun! Thank you for telling me about it. Now I want to play!Laughing
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Morning Kate,

 

I knew you'd like the marble site. I'm lucky to live just a few Kms from the glass factory, shop and museum, and I'm a frequent visitor. It's amazing watching them make the marbles and other glass gifts, so skilled to perfection I wonder how anyone can ever learn! Tha marble runs are enormous and fascinating, perpetually in motion, powered by the marbles themselves.

 

I'm having breakfast in MacDonalds, using their wifi hotspot. I'm just getting to grips with technology on the move, the first time I've used a hotspot! Bodes well for my trip to Cornwall, but I'm just off next door to get a mobile internet access dongle doobrie thingy!! I've dropped the children off at their respective orchestras, and have a couple of free hours in town.

 

Catch you later.

 

It feels good to be on leave.

 

It feels good to talk to you. :-)

 

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ps

 

I hope you have a lovely weekend with your family.

 

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ah, freedom! I can hear it in your words. You sound like you are having a blast!

 

Let me know how it goes with finding the mobile internet thingy. I'm with you, surfing the internet is about as much as I know how to do. Beyond that, I'm lost. I think there are more of us lost people than we realize!

 

Enjoy your morning,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate

 

I was having a blast, I was free. I'm Home with the biggest bump.

 

Now I'm trapped, no way out. My fate is sealed. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he won't allow me to go, I will create hell, for all of us, and I will be thinking of No 1 only. I'm not allowed to have wishes, wants, I will mess everyone's lives up, he loves me. He says he wants to change, now is the time !!!

 

I have also learnt, from Dave, that 1. I'm probably in menopause, not depressed, or with fibro (talking to his client about me- her views) 2. I shouldn't be on antidepressants, they are the biggest no-no. 3. I shouldn't be talking to K, I should be talking to his client, she will probably help me far more than K has. I put him in a very bad place every time I go to speak with her. (He is cross bc I laugh sometimes when I talk to her (he has seen me once)- almost how dare I laugh with her- I said there are far more tears than there is laughter) 3. He thinks I'm talking to an old flame- maybe met him on facebook. Have put him straight on that one.

 

When I got home he was tidying the kitchen. He never tidies the kitchen. He tells me he's cleaning up after Sam (he had a little party last night), and he hopes he appreciates it. (he told him so when he came in from rehearsals) I got on and sorted out the washing, and he came down to say he'd made me a cup of tea and wanted me to come and sit down with it. (uh oh) He told me that while he was painting and talking to his client (who is an acquaintance of mine) she asked him how I was, and he told her. She told him about how she had suffered during the menopause, (muscle pains) and that she felt better with diet and exercise, and that I should have my hormones checked, and NOT be on antidepressants. He told me he didn't like the way we were in separate rooms, that he was living in a dog kennel. I told him that I liked it this way and that I didn't want to return, that I wanted a separation. He said that it would be totally unacceptable for me to make a separation happen. I feel he would make it very nasty indeed if I tried. I am numb, unreacting, just trying to sort out how I feel. Deadened. Sam doesn't like his control, we talked in the car on the way home, he believes we will be happier without him.

 

I'm scared that I can't feel.

 

Talk later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I am so sorry. You were feeling so good and to deal with this downturn is very hard.

 

But I do not think your fate is sealed. It will not be easy, but you can still have what you want. What Dave says is about what Dave needs for himself. He is afraid because he sees the writing on the wall. You want to leave. His meal ticket is done. He will have to be responsible for himself. Of course he is making threats. He doesn't want the free ride to go away.

 

Dave is wrong about you talking to K. Think of what K has been to you. Dave is threatened by that. K is helping you to get better. That is a huge threat to Dave. If you get better, he loses all he has with you. From my perspective, K is very good for you. She has done a world of good and helped you through when you needed her. She is there for you, something which Dave does not understand.

 

I think Dave is telling you he loves you because in his own way he does. But it is not the kind of love you need. It is his kind, which includes him using you and hurting you.

 

This is not about menopause, needing exercise or a change in diet. This is about Dave mistreating you. Just the fact that he can talk to someone else about your personal and very private life is a boundary violation. And Dave probably left out any of the things he has done to cause you to feel the way you do.

 

Hang in there, Rose. You may feel bad about what Dave said, but it does not change the situation. He is making threats and that is the only important part. That means you need to take steps to protect yourself and the kids. Seeing an attorney is probably a good idea at this point. Even if you just want a separation, the attorney can help you with what you need to know to protect yourself and the kids. At this point, the kids are old enough to say what they want if Dave does push it.

 

Rose, this is not easy. I feel for you. You are making a huge change here and that can be frightening. But you have me, you have K and you are ready to deal with this. Don't allow Dave to bully you. He does not have the power here, you do. You have held your family together the entire time and you were the responsible person. You deserve to feel free again. Don't allow Dave to take that away from you.

 

I'll be here. Let me know what happens,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, now I can feel, now I can cry, thank you for helping me. I am stepping backwards, not so ready any more.

I am stuck for words, but am very grateful for yours.

Early night is best I think,

Keyring in hand

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome. I am always here for you.

 

I hope some rest helps you decide what path you want to take. I'm ready to help no matter what.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thanks Kate, I know you are
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you, Rose!

 

I hope you are doing ok. I've been thinking of you all day.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

Sorry it's so late, I've been in a big muddle today. Thank you for your thoughts.


yesterday pm i talked a little to Poppy about me having a few days away, i said was she ok with it, she said why on your own. i said i’m sad and want to think. she said why are you sad, i said i’m not happy with dad. she said we have to make him change. then it will be ok.

she asked dave about me going away on my own. he told her (damn him) that i had said i wanted a separation. she was hysterical (23.30) and wouldn’t come and talk to me in my room where i was trying to sleep- sam tried to talk to her about it, tell her it would be better for us all, but she told him to **** and went to cry with dave, told him that sam was ok about it. i got up and went upstairs, we were all there then. i told poppy that dad had made it clear that i wasn’t going anywhere, and she said could we all have counselling and sort this out. i said dad won’t do that, but he said he will. he wants to know what i want to change. i said not now. tomorrow. he said i had lied about why i was in my own room, that i’d said it was bc of fms and i needed sleep. – i said yes that is so- he said if i have fms, you may not have, what about your hormones. i said i have a diagnosis, why would i disagree with the professionals? he said they make mistakes. ahhhhh. I went back to bed. Poppy came and got in with me, cuddled close. she doesn’t want a split family. she was scared, unsettled, angry. i promised i would try to make things better, but i still needed my space.

the woman he was talking to is a ceramicist and dancer. not someone i know well- she won’t know anything besides what he chooses to tell her. he’s told her my stuff, do i want her to know? would i have shared it with her? is that fair? she doesn’t know that HE is the problem, he doesn’t know K's full role in my life. I have a mirena coil, hrt (progesterone only) for menopausal symptoms (not the reason why I have it) but he thinks he is right.

My parent are in Italy. my neighbours are too. i am so muddled now i don’t know what to do. i still want to go away, i just want to be free for a while. i am scared to leave them, but think he would be mad to cause problems bc he knows that would put the seal on it.

I keep trying to remember the facts, but am i making them up, is my vision distorted. i know its not but i am so muddled
i can’t think straight. I am going to stay bc of poppy. for now.

Today has been quiet. It's as if nothing has happened. He made breakfast, but then watched tv all day, back to the pub this evening.

I have been thinking of you, you have helped me through my day. Thank you.

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, this is a tough time. Things have come to a head and the family is readjusting to a new reality. Your sadness over the situation with Dave needed to come out eventually and there is no good time for it to happen. But I think it is a brave thing that you did. You are confronting Dave and dealing with the heart of the problem that you have been living with for so long.

 

Poppy is going to be unhappy because the situation, including your feelings, challenges her defenses regarding Dave. She is not going to accept you are unhappy about the situation with Dave because to her, Dave can be fixed. He is not that bad, if bad at all. She has created an image of Dave that if altered, makes her whole world change. She is going to fight that no matter what. This makes it very hard for you. Getting what you need goes against what Poppy wants. She wants peace and her view of Dave unchallenged. You want change that means you don't get abused anymore. You want your peace and the opportunity to be yourself and have a life.

 

It is interesting that Dave's first response to the situation is not to see this as something he has caused, but to blame you for the problem. First, he tells Poppy about the separation. That should have stayed between you two. But he used it as a weapon to make you the bad guy in this situation. Then he changes his mind about the counseling so he looks like he is willing to cooperate now instead of uncooperative like he was with you, in private. He also says you are lying about why you were in your room so you need to defend yourself, again making you look bad. So far, the kids have the view that you lie and he is the good guy.

 

Dave has put you on the defensive. He has painted you into a corner. He knows your buttons and he is pushing all of them to get himself out of this situation. He doesn't want to have to give up this lifestyle where he has it easy and doesn't need to be responsible. How you respond depends on what kind of outcome you are looking for.

 

It is still a good idea for you to go away, maybe now more than ever. You need the time to sort things through. Explaining this to the kids and telling them that you need this time is ok to do. You can also tell them that Dave has his version of how things are and you have yours, which is one of the reasons you need a break. Sam will probably understand this, Poppy not so much. But they need to understand you have needs too. So far, all they have seen is Dave getting his needs met, and you compensating for it so it is all they know. Changing the way the family works is going to take some pushing and pain. But to get healthy, that may be what is needed. Unfortunately, it seems that Dave is determined to blame you so the family stays unhealthy, because that is what he needs to keep getting what he wants. He is unhealthy, so the family must stay unhealthy for him.

 

How do you feel about this? I feel a great need to just be here for you but also support your desire for freedom from this abusive marriage. It is completely your decision and I will help you either way, so I'll let you guide me to what you need.

 

This is hard, Rose. I'm sorry. I'll do whatever I can to try to make it easier.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

and thank you, it's so good to read your post when I get up. I am feeling very low, but I am meeting a friend for coffee, so will have a shower and buck myself up! We have just had a conversation, which I will save for later.

Hope your kids are happy in their 2nd week at school. Please tell me about them sometime, I'd love to hear, but only if you are happy to.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning!

 

I think it is natural for you to feel low after the stress you have gone through the past few days. But this will get sorted out. We can work it through. And we will. You are not alone in this, Rose.

 

When is the next time you talk with K? Is she aware of what you are going through?

 

I hope your meeting goes well (or went well) with your friend. Is it someone you can share with? Sometimes just talking about how you feel to someone who will listen makes a difference.

 

My kids still don't want to go to school! But Mom the motivator is working on it. I will tell you about them. Thanks for asking.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

my coffee session with my friends brought me even lower, it made me realise what a skeleton of a person I have become. I was very anxious about going, and was not keen to talk about the weekend. They are friends that I share with, but haven't seen them for several months, and wouldn't know where to start. I was relieved they didn't ask me how things were going. My anxiety levels were high and I had difficulty talking, expressing myself or saying anything interesting. My mind kept wandering to my empty house, and yearning to be back there while all was quiet.

I was glad to get home. But Mark arrived soon after, in good spirits, kissed and hugged me (unexpectedly). He told me he was feeling on top of the world, carefree, and wants to move on with his life (preferrably with me in it). I was very stuck for words, I didn't know what to say to him, and wished he would go away. I said I was sorry, that I'd had a very difficult weekend (didn't tell him anymore), and I needed some space. He hung around a bit, trying to find out my plans for my few days away. I said I need to be alone, and he said he understands. He told me he loves me. I said nothing.

This morning at breakfast I told Dave I was upset with him for telling Poppy that I wanted to separate, that it was unnecessary, especially as he had made it clear that I wasn't to go anywhere. He couldn't explain his reasons for telling her. He said he realises he was drinking too heavily a while back, that he was drinking less now. I said he wasn't drinking less at all, his 'illness' last week was more than likely alcohol withdrawal. He disagreed, and was unhappy with this comment. He asked me about K, how I'd met her, whether she was qualified. (he's asked me this all before) I said she has a phd. He doesn't like me talking to anyone,he was wary of Cathy, one of my oldest friends, when she wanted to talk to me in my room. She tells me I must go, get him to go. But I can't, not anymore, I am too weary to do anymore now

I see K Tues and Thurs. I emailed her on Sat and she didn't get it til late, she was very concerned and told me to keep in touch.

More later.

Rose.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I am glad you still went to coffee with your friends. It is hard, but it is also good that you keep going with your life and keep working on yourself. Talking to your friends is good practice, though I understand your need to be by yourself. Your hurting and being alone makes it easier. No stress of having to deal with others. But being out there helps too. It keeps you in touch and keeps your friendships going. You may decide one day to talk to one of your friends about your situation and any support you have outside of Dave is good to have.

 

It sounds like Mark may be another person in your life with needs who wants you to fulfill them. It is good you asked him to go and let you be. You do not need that kind of stress right now.

 

Rose, I think it is great that you told Dave about how you felt. You confronted him with some of the manipulations he tried to put on you. I can understand why he didn't have anything to say about telling Poppy about the separation. He was wrong to do it. And he did it for himself, not for Poppy and not for you.

 

From your description of Dave's drinking, it does not sound like he is drinking less at all. I agree with you, he is drinking just as much. It seems that Dave might have either thought he is drinking less, which means he is not seeing reality as it is (denial), or he thought by telling you he is drinking less you would believe he is. People who are narcissistic often think that because they say something, everyone will think that is how it is. You saw the truth and said it. That is exactly how you deal with someone like Dave.

 

Dave is certainly threatened by K and now it sounds like by your friend Cathy. Anyone who supports you and does not support his behavior is a threat to him. He likes control and he senses he is losing that control with you. He probably is afraid that K or Cathy will convince you to leave him and therefore he will lose. So attacking you and those who support you is an effort to keep you under his thumb. Very typical behavior of an abusive person.

 

Making a decision right now about leaving the relationship is not necessary. You can collect all the opinions in the world but in the end, you have to live with the consequences. Deciding to leave is not easy and when or if you choose to do it, it has to be something you feel strongly about. You don't want to leave then come back. That would make it worse for you. And may also make Dave worse, because then he knows you will leave so he'll increase the attempts to control you.

 

But it is good that you are rocking the boat. By confronting Dave and letting him know how you feel, you are making him show his colors. He has to respond if he doesn't want to lose his lifestyle. He is quite dependent on you to make this work for him. Going out and making his own way does not seem to occur to him. So his only choice is to make you stay so he doesn't have to do anything. By confronting him, you are telling him that you are unhappy about his behavior. It may not change him, but it may make it easier for you to leave eventually because you will see the worst sides of him.

 

It is good that you do have time off so you can process this situation. If you can, take some time to pamper yourself. If you choose to not go away, are there other things you can do to help yourself feel better?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I am too done to be coherent, I wanted to say thank you, XXXXX XXXXX but it's not good enough. You ARE my Saving Grace. I held my blue glass keyring in my hand last night, and didn't need to suck my thumb!! (the things I tell you!!)

D has been lying on his bed, making me feel guilty, asked me to forgive him for all the bad times. I’ve been here before, a little over a year ago when I last said I wanted out.

I have to go to Alexis tomorrow, not really up for it, but I never let her down.

Goodnight Kate

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Your thank you's are plenty for me. I very much enjoy our conversations. You are very easy to talk with. And I am honored that you do share such personal things with me. I am well aware that it is not easy and I thank you for trusting me.

 

Yes, I'd imagine that the guilt and accusing will be increasing as you express how you feel. The empty promises are typical as well of an abuser. It is part of the abuse cycle. "Please forgive, reconciliation, pain and hurt back to please forgive". It is never any easy cycle to break out of.

 

I hope all goes well with Alexis. No fun hairdressers to entertain this time?Laughing

 

Sleep well, Rose. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Kate

 

PS. Oh sorry! I clicked answer instead of info request. Please do not pay for this answer.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I was pleased to see that I could accept, but 'your wish is my command'!!

No fun hairdressers.... we might play scrabble, do some sewing, or go out somewhere (not my first choice today!) Poppy has a violin lesson before school, so Tuesdays are always such a rush. Sam is up to catch his bus though, I've only had to chase the bus once so far (though he's only been back a week!)

See you later

Rosegraphic
I like this oneSmile
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh, I like that one too!

 

Sounds like a busy day you have. I hope all goes smoothly and you get some down time for yourself!

 

Talk to you soon,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

phew, just through with therapy, no need to tell you what we talked about today!! I have a headache again, and my eyes feel like little slits that I can just about peer through!

My day was slow, slow, slow, lots of ironing and baking a Victoria sponge! (she loves baking- I've learnt a few things).....and..... I was the hairdresser today- I'm getting quite adept at putting curlers in :)

Hope you've had a good day, not been working too hard.

Dave is out- apparently not drinking- for one night!

Time for sleep. Thank you for being there, in my thoughts, and online

Good night
Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I hope your session with K went well. I imagine that it was helpful to talk to her about how you're feeling.

 

Victoria sponge? It sounds wonderful, whatever it might be!

 

You sound exhausted. I hope your rest is peaceful and you feel much better in the morning!

 

Sweet dreams,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

I did sleep well thanks, XXXXX XXXXX I felt better. It is a beautiful blue and sunny day today, and my thoughts keep straying to my time away that was to be, by the beach, walking the cliff paths. He hasn't asked me about it, said I should go, get away for a break, you need it, it will do you good. He hasn't asked me what it is that I'm not happy about, what I need to have happen to make my life more bearable. He just treats the weekends events as a little blip that will be smoothed over as time passes, til the next one a year down the line, then he will have another plan to throw at me to stop me muddying his waters.

I don't know how to overcome this recent nose dive, but I know I must get out. I will walk the dogs in the woods, by the reservoir when I can gather the energy. I must find my voice, I have been silent for so long. I must tell him how I feel, get angry when it's appropriate- I have forgotten how to be angry, I have forgotten how to show him any emotions, any- I am just quiet and flat, do my duties as a wife and mother, concede to his every wish but one, go to my room... I bleed.. I told K I hadn't, but now I have. I want to cut the word 'help', but know I mustn't. She tells me I'm a whole lot better than the woman she started to work with many months ago- I have to believe her. She says she is anxious to be my therapist from so far away, she scares me when she says I need someone close to, I can't do it all again.

I have lost my focus somewhat, but will go back to where we were soon. Maybe I'll feel better in a day or two. There's so much else I should be doing, Dave's accounts and bills ( no he's not capable of doing them himself). Mark texted me this morning and got the sense that I wasn't good by my reply, so, thank goodness, says he'll give me some space. MY HEAD IS IN SUCH A MESS. I keep asking myself if I have made everything up, if I'm imagining things, if I really am going mad. Would I be mad if I had made it all up? Maybe that's the best way to look at things, be better for everyone. K says she believes me, but I still question it. Dave says I'm mad. Sometimes I think it's my fault bc I can't speak up, I don't have an equal voice, if I did then things would be balanced and healthy.-so bc I am so ***** weak and dumb, I have allowed him so much control, and now I can't get it back. What will happen if we go to marriage councelling? I'm scared, I don't want to try, I just want out, too many many years of crap, I don't want to make it better, (now I'm being selfish, just as he said) the cuts are too deep, but I have to try, don't I? He said he wants to, but what if he tries to change and I still can't bear it? Then I will be in more of a muddle.

Kate, I'm sorry, it's all spilling out. Words and tears together. There's so much more, but I need to stop there.

Til later

Rose

PS a Victoria sponge is a basic vanilla sponge cake with (usually) strawberry/raspberry jam and butter icing or cream, sometimes stuffed with fresh strawberries and fresh cream.SmileYes, named bc Queen Vic was persuaded to have many tea parties after Albert's demise, to get her out an about (maybe a lesson for me there) and back into society.

graphic
Some say not the easiest cake to bake. Give it a go..... :)



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Thank you for the picture (yum, now I'm very hungry!) and the description of the cake. I love to bake (my therapy!) so I will definitely give it a try.

 

I am sorry Rose. I wish I was there with you as well, like K. This is a time you need a hug, some down time and some TLC.

 

First of all, you are not crazy. Matter or fact, you are very normal. It is extremely common for domestic abuse victims to feel they are mad and for their abusers to tell them that they are (a bit of transference!). And you are feeling the way you are right now because Dave has bullied you into giving up something you need, something you were really looking forward to. You needed that time away and you made the attempt to confront Dave and go. But he bullied you out of going.

 

What do you feel would happen if you went anyway? What prevents you from going?

 

I understand your need to cut. It is painful to be caught in an abusive relationship and to have to keep taking the abuse. Building up the strength to face Dave and to get out feels overwhelming. Abuse causes depression, low self worth and questioning of your own sanity. Dave controls you which leads to your feelings of being trapped, the need to get out and your self loathing. Cutting is a consequence to how you feel because you feel there is no other choice. You are not allowed to express yourself in the ways you need to. Cutting also channels your self hatred and your need to control your pain.

 

Right now Dave has the power in your relationship. He has used your low self esteem and self loathing to get a foothold and take over your life. He has made you his puppet, forcing you to support him and accept his narcissistic behavior. He takes away your choices, convinces you that you are crazy and dominates your relationship. He also bullies the kids. He has made himself king and you are his subjects. Any hint that you want independence and he squashes it immediately by turning up the abusive behavior and pushing all of your buttons. But this is not how it has to stay.

 

You can get out of this Rose. It takes some pushing, some changes and deciding to face what is and challenge it. It is basically a decision to plow through no matter what Dave chooses to throw at you. It is also believing in yourself, like K and I believe in you. We see who you are, your worth, the wonderful person you are. We just need you to see it. And to start seeing Dave's behavior for what is- small, weak and sad. For that is what a bully is inside. They act abusive and mean because that is all they can muster from what they have inside. Not a shred of selflessness, kindness or care for anyone else.

 

You do have the freedom to make your own choices. It may seem that Dave has taken that away from you, but you do not have allow him to do this. It is a decision that you need to make. You were beginning to make it before this incident. You were finding your voice, getting stronger and making good choices for yourself. Allowing Dave to change all that is a decision. How do you feel about changing it so you have control over yourself? You can get the control back. It is your choice. I know there is fear involved and apprehension. But it can be done. People have done it before, gotten out of these types of relationships and left the abuse behind. There are ways we can work on it so you change your life and gain your freedom. We can talk about that if you wish.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

thank you. I am thinking my time away for next week when my neighbours are home, I will feel safer. But I won't tell Dave til I am going. I must go. I will go. I must seem like a poor timid tortoise who has put her head back inside her shell after being scared by soemthing, and not wanting to come out again til everyone has gone away. I know it is a choice, but right now it just seems too hard, it is easier to put a pillow over my head and block it all out.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I am glad you have decided to still go away! You need it and deserve it. You have worked so hard and through all the pain, physical and emotional.

 

I am concerned that you see yourself as a tortoise that is hiding from life. You took what I said and made it something bad about you. What happened?

 

Wanting to block all of this out is very natural. It is a very hard decision to make. You want to stay and hope it all will get better, that Dave really means he will work on himself and treat you like he should. Facing that he is making empty promises based on the threat of consequences (you might leave him) is hard. You want to have hope, not despair. And fear can be a strong motivator to stay, especially if he makes threats to go after you if you do go. And you can stay if you choose. We can work together on that as well, to try to make it easier on you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

I think you are right to inadvertently make me look at how I see myself, and how I may be seen, I am certainly not upset. I am certain that you don't see me like this, but it is good that you have made me see that I can choose to be beaten down or rise above it. I think it is a fitting metaphor to describe how I feel today.

You are right, I was getting stronger, beginning to make choices, and this all came down too soon before I was ready. But it does show me more certainly what effort I need to put into my exit plan. I know I want to go, I don't doubt that, and it will happen one day, but I am very grateful to your support to help me stay in the meantime.

Your words mean so much to me.

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, you're welcome. Your heart is hurting, I can tell. But whatever your choice, you are doing the best you can. Remember that.

 

Your struggle is good. Not easy, but good. It shows you are considering both sides, looking at your choices and facing your issues. If you just gave up and quit, I would worry for you. But you are moving forward and trying. And that is always positive.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

yesterday I told K I had had enough, that I couldn't be bothered anymore. I still feel like that today, but I know I can't stay with those feelings, and the sooner I shake them off the better. I don't plan to be so down for my whole 2 weeks of leave, that would be regrettable. I have done a little gardening today, too much actually, I'm paying for it now, but I enjoyed being out. The dogs walk will have to wait til tomorrow!

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Do you mean that you could not be bothered about leaving Dave? If so, that is very understandable. You are feeling overwhelmed and it all got to be too much.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I couldn't be bothered with anything, I was feeling like I'd had enough of the struggles of the last few years, the trying to make things better, trying to be well, trying to be a little bit happy, trying to feel. Just enough. enough. small progress, big fall.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I see big progress, small step back. It seems like a big failure to you, but that is your self esteem and Dave's dysfunctional input talking to you. It is not reality. In real life, you are doing very well. But taking a break and saying I've had enough for now is fine.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I know, you're right. Deep breath, grit teeth, onwards. Real life, I am trying so hard, it just hits REALLY hard when I see my path is blocked, and the mountain gets even higher.

He is just so oblivious to all that is around him, real life, I know nothing will change. He was telling me about his busy social plans for the weekend this morning.

Never mind. Better the devil you know!

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

Good to talk

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ah, yes, the devil you know. I understand. And this one you do know all too well!

 

You are trying hard. I think it feels like a mountain because you are trying to overcome two big things all at once- your self esteem and Dave's abuse. You are pushing against what you were taught about yourself- that you must accept what is and cope. You were taught that it is what you deserve. And Dave confirms that too. So the messages are within you and with Dave. Believing something different about yourself seems hard to accept. You cannot be a self assured person, that is for other people! But it's just a lie. It is for you, too, Rose.

 

What do you feel would get Dave out of your way and clear your path?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, you are so clever, and so knowing :)
This requires a little thought, I will be back later.
Thank you for being so near, I can feel you close, my heart beats fast.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX'll talk with you then.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

You are SO spot on

too done to talk tonightgraphic...... tomorrow.....,
Goodnight

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Very pretty! Thank you Rose.

 

Good night,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Morning Kate,

I'm feeling a bit brighter today; really Kate, your last post (6.26pm) summed it all up for me, it is incredible that there it is in one short paragraph. That is me. That is where I'm at, in a nutshell.

I have been walking with the dogs. It's another lovely day, another day that would have been perfect on the coast paths of Cornwall. But it was my decision not to go, so I won't dwell on it.

I have been thinking how to clear Dave from my path (images of a snow-plow here!!), and I don't quite know where to start. I have decided that I must start making myself heard, now that I'm a bit stronger, and not be his good little wifey, his puppet. I must take some pressure off the children and be their advocate more, and not expect them to fight their battles alone. I will be brought up sharp over this, as he wants me to take his side, always, even if I disagree, and support his parenting! I know that any stand against him, or pressure by me to get something done (there is so much rubbish lying around that only he is allowed to touch, some of it been there for years, but that's a story I haven't touched on yet). I need to insist on several things before the winter, if I don't Sam's room will be plagued with mould and rot again. Another thing I could write a chapter on. So, you might wonder, what use is he to family and home? Answer; very little.

Sorry, I digressed. Clearing the path. Mmm. I think I need to rock the boat a bit more, start being stronger, living my own life, show some independence. That will be really hard since I hate to go out so much. Perhaps I could just pretend to be out, stay out late after work, read my book, talk to you (Smile), give him something to wonder about. Going away next week (I am going!) will definitely stir him up. What is it that he loves about me? I don't give him any thing to love, except be dependable and sensible. There has been no sex for a year, no sharing his bed for 6 months, I haven't accompanied him anywhere and been his companion since last summer. He told me the other day when I challenged his drinking that he keeps filling his beer glass while out bc there is no-one to tell him to stop. I reminded him of all the years that I was his companion pleading with him top stop, watching him sneaking around the bar to the other side, refilling, drinking half then returning to me as if it was the same pint from before. So he blamed my absence for his uncontrolled drinking. I blame his drinking for my absence. This is partly my fear, anxiety of social events, bc they were always tainted by his excess alcohol intake, and so I just stopped going with him.

I'm lost! Help me to get back on track. Have I answered the question? I don't think I have.

Hope you have some good plans for today.
I took some photos in the spring, I'll try and attach them here. They are in a zip-file, whatever that is!

Zip file failed, (too big) here is Lola, she's a springer/collie, 9 months in the pic, now 1 year :)...
graphic
Another later.

Rose




Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

I enjoyed the snow plow image! Wink

 

I like your idea of coming out of your current role and putting yourself out there more. Being who you are instead of who Dave wants you to be. Dave has had his way for quite a while now and it has gotten you a lot of grief. I imagine that Dave feels his way is the best way. But as is the case with people who have narcissism, it is usually their way or the highway. Changing that is a challenge but it very much needs done because his way hurts you and the kids. Are you thinking bit by bit here or all at once? There is no right answer, I'm just wondering how you would like to approach it.

 

I have the impression of you as someone who is already very independent. You take care of the bills, bring in income, care for the kids and the home and do most all of the responsible things any other independence adult does. Except for Dave being in the home and maybe doing some things, I'm not sure he contributes that much. And I'm not sure that you going out more would be needed for independence. Changing your schedule, keeping to yourself about your activities, and basically acting as if Dave is not there may be the best change. Also, splitting your bank accounts and beginning to take charge of your own money and savings would give you a head start on moving away from Dave. If he has to be in charge of his own money, I imagine that will be a rude awakening.

 

It is amazing the expectations Dave has of you. You are at fault for his drinking because you aren't there to tell him to stop? What is he, five years old? Talk about not taking responsibility for your own actions. That is some pretty amazing thinking he has going on there. Your response was great. I'm not sure I could have come back with anything to such a comment.

 

I love the picture of Lola! She looks like she is full of pep and energy! I'm a dog fan for sure. I have two, one a mutt and another a Cocker Spaniel. I would get more but with three kids, a husband, two dogs, hamsters and fish I think I'm done for a while!

 

Take care Rose. I hope your day is going well.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

their way or the highway!! Love it- can but hope for the latter! Bit by bit I think.

My day is so much better than yesterday. I have been looking at hotels in Cornwall, have chosen one which should be just fine. I'll share the link with you later when I've made up my mind for sure. I think it's a great idea to keep my schedule close to, starting with my HOLIDAY!!!

I AM very independent. Dave is the one who isn't. I think I meant get out more rather than be independent, but I don't want to do that, so I think I'll just take it slowly, and keep to myself, as you say. I like that idea. Yes too, the bank accounts. I want to do that, keep a close eye on things, make a little stash without being too sly.

I could hear the disbelief in your words- YES, that is exactly what Dave said!! You made me grin hugely.:) He'd probably say the same for every time he drank and drove, including the time he was in big trouble- me not there to say no driving, Me not there to take the keys from him, Me not being there to drive him home!! (He hasn't, but I wouldn't put it past him.)

Skype with K in 3 mins,

Have a good afternoon.
Glad you liked the Lola pic, most energetic of the 3 by miles! She has been so good for me.

Til later

Rose



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am happy that you chose to go away for a few days on vacation. You could really use a break. I can't wait to see what you choose for your hotel. Aren't hotels fun?

 

I hope your session with K goes well and you get a lot out of it today. She may have some more insights into your plans as well.

 

Talk to you later,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Yes a busy session. We talked about my little holiday a bit, planning how to tell them, especially Poppy.
I had to deal with a row between the children part way through my session, I felt very stressed and completely thrown, and it really messed me up. K was very patient and helped me unravel myself a little (metaphor for today- a tangled ball of wool!!), and I finished by promising I would go eat some chocolate!! (Actually don't have any choc, pear crumble was equally as yummy!)

I meant to tell you yesterday what made me happy yest eve, was watching Poppy and Sam enjoying each other's company, sharing something on the computer, laughing together, something that I so desperately wanted in my childhood. It made me smile, alot.

Another pic for yougraphic

A very tiny, naughty Shetland pony (miniature) - Snowberry.

Good night

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Awww, Snowberry is adorable! Naughtly pony, eh? Snowberry can get away with it being so cute!

 

Horses and ponies are special animals, I think. There is a connection to them that draws you in.

 

Children arguing can throw off just about anything and it can really get to you. It is very exasperating. I'm glad to hear that it happened with K there so you could get some support. It is stressful to deal with it alone.

 

Chocolate is great therapy! It is wonderful after a stressful time. But pear crumble works well too! I would take either one, without argument.

 

It is so heartwarming to see your kids get something you never got to do, isn't it? It makes your heart glad. I wish that you had been able to have that as well as a child.

 

Thank you for the picture. I am enjoying getting to know more about your life!

 

Have a good night, Rose. Sleep well.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

Quite a busy day, glad to be having a rest! I spent the morning with Sam, a little grocery shopping (always more expensive with him in tow), then stopped to kill some time at a pet shop before we had haircuts,( not before time). I was really drawn to the tortoises, small and cute, and pondered my recent analogy. I feel my little butterfly room is my shell, somewhere apparently safe to come to hide away when I need some time out, but somewhere that I can also be got at, poked with a stick, and made to squeal (do they squeal?!), and once poked, there is nowhere else to go, trapped. I wonder what it will be like to be shell-less while I'm away next week. I am excited to find out!!

I have been gardening, weeding. My hands are buzzing from pulling up the nettles without gloves. I like the stinging, it was a precursor to the cutting, now ineffective.I have had a much better day today, nearly chosen my hotel, I keep changing my mind, but I'm down to 3 now, and it's important to have mobile phone signal in case the children need to ring me, so the choice is narrowing.

Here is another pic, Poppy with her Dartmoor, Juniper
graphicgraphic

Tea time!
Til later
Hope you are having a good day, don't work too hard,

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The pics didn't come out
I'll try again
graphic
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The pics didn't come out
I'll try again
graphic



Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It's always so wonderful to hear from you! It does sound like you are having a great day.

 

Isn't it always more expensive when you take the kids shopping? I dread going to any store with mine, but especially the mall. They nearly kill me in there. Mom, can I have this, pleeeessse? Or the classic, But all my friends have one. Ugh. They know mom is nothing but a big softy!

 

Poppy is adorable with Juniper! I am very much enjoying your pictures. Your children are precious.

 

The tortoises analogy was very good. I think the butterfly fits too. You are in a cocoon about to emerge, but at times, it is important that you pull your head into your shell (to protect yourself) and regroup. The freedom of being shell less next week is going to give you a sneak peak at life without Dave's issues. I think it will serve as a good reference for you when you feel you need strength to keep moving forward with your goals.

 

You are saying that you feel the cutting is ineffective? Can you tell me a bit more about that?

 

Let me know how the hotel search ends up!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm so glad you enjoy hearing from me, I worry sometimes that I might be boring you!

I meant the nettles are ineffective, they worked for quite a time, but I needed to move on, they were only visual for a short time, even though the pain was adequate initially. They were better than pins bc their effects were longer lasting and more widely spread, but now they are just a minor irritation, and not what I'm needing. I still like to feel it so I don't bother wearing gloves when I'm weeding, but it doesn't mean anything anymore. So.. now... I.....cut (sorry :( )

Hotels later

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
ps a joke...

A man went to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend strapped to his back.

'What have you come as??'

He pointed to the girl on his back- 'that's Michelle!!'

What DID he go as??

(You may need an English accent for this one!)

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You do not bore me in the least! I look forward to hearing from you and I am enjoying getting to know you better. Your pictures make me smile.

 

Thank you for explaining the nettle situation. I understand better now.

 

A joke! Oh, boy. Not my strong suit. Ok, here goes:

 

He's a snail

 

Did I guess right?

 

KateLaughing

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You are right, but I was hoping you would say a tortoise!!! (interchangeable punchline!)

:)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ha! I thought about saying that too. I should have! Laughing

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hey Kate,

So you aren't so bad at jokes after all?! Thought it was suiting for the days topic. :)

I've said this before, but I still struggle with it..... it is that I am hard pressed to accept that you are interested in me and enjoy our interactions, and I am full of wonder that I have something that is of worth to someone else. I am totally delighted to have you to talk to, and to know that you enjoy receiving my posts. I am trying to see myself as someone who is creditable for my thoughts and words, but that is usually based on my spoken word, not written, and so I give myself a negative review. If only I could be equal in what I say and what I write I would fare so much better. I can give so much more of myself to you than I can to any one else, and I can reach deep into my inner sanctums and feel safe to share what is within.

Thank you Kate there is no-one else like you

Sleep beckons
Goodnight

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I can understand your feelings very well. You were told lies about who you are and made to believe you are not worthy by people who felt unworthy themselves. They put that on you instead of dealing with their feelings as they should have- on their own. So instead of taking responsibility, they made you feel bad instead. You had no other way to know anything different. But I am telling you, as I am sure K does as well, that you are valuable. You are worthy. And you are important as a person, a mother, and a friend. As a wife as well, though Dave has too many of his own issues to value you as he should. But your role as wife is valuable, regardless of how Dave reacts.

 

Self worth is about thoughts as much as it is about feelings. It is what you think of yourself. It is also about what you are willing to take in from others. Right now, you are allowing Dave and others to feed you what he thinks you are worth. You are open to what he says because it matches what you think about yourself. That is why when I tell you that I think you are interesting and worthwhile, you have a hard time taking it in. It does not match what you believe about yourself.

 

So changing what you think is key. It is a progressive change and you are taking steps to change it. You are challenging Dave, looking at your life differently, and reaching out for assistance. I think that as you progress, your ability to express yourself through words should merge with your ability to express yourself verbally. But seeing your gift to express yourself through writing as valuable is important. You are very gifted in that way. A lot of people are not. Seeing your writing as gift instead of what you feel is your deficit verbally is another way to view yourself. And a way to improve your self esteem. To give yourself a negative review is just buying into what you were taught to believe about yourself.

 

So when I say I enjoy getting your posts, talking with you and sharing your life, do you believe me? If not, why not? What do you feel would make me lie about something like that?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Good morning Kate,

 

I DO DO DO believe you, 1000%, so sincerely, XXXXX XXXXX are, and I love the way it makes me feel; it is such an unusual feeling that I keep thinking it's going to slip away, and I have to grasp it tight, and seal it in before it's gone again, remember what it feels like. It's not a thought that I can treasure often, and that is why when I glimpse it I wonder if it is real, and so I wonder at it's existence. Kate, you make me feel real good.

 

You are so right about what I was taught. I was taught all my school days partly by nuns. I was a Girl Guide, 'Promise to serve other people', and my parents prevented me from talking positively about myself, always to put others before me, be subservient, no-one wants to hear about you and your achievements, always make others feel good about themselves to the detriment of yourself. It is wrong to speak highly of yourself, by all means achieve, you must achieve, but do not put it out there for others to see. And now I live with a man who talks about himself ad nauseum, and I have not a chance, nor wish, to speak about myself. I find it almost impossible. I am delighted that the children are able to speak positively about themselves, and feel they have good self worth, Poppy more so than Sam, but I have been careful to praise achievements, and ignore or make light of failures, and am happy with the self confidence that they both have.

 

I was out this morning early taking Poppy to her rehearsal. I have now got myself the dongle (it really is called that!) for mobile internet access for next week, and got a few more groceries before coming home again. I bought myself.....wait for it...... some roses, that were past their sell by date, half price, I never buy myself flowers, nor am I ever bought any. But they were lovely, and more importantly, cheap! I was feeling pretty upbeat driving home, thinking about my freedom in a few days time. My feelings changed instantly I was in Dave's company, and I felt tense and irritated. He said- you've bought yourself some flowers?!- and without asking, took them, chopped the ends off, and put them in a vase. I felt cheated out of something that I had been looking forward to doing, but WHY COULDN'T I SAY I WANTED TO DO THAT? Now I'm hating being at home, I can't settle or relax, I can hardly bear to be here.

 

If you lived around the corner, (if only) I would be delivering you a large basket of runner beans. I have picked boxes of them. Nobody seems to want any, my parents are away, and the kids dislike them intensely! I made a big vat of bean soup the other day, which everyone loves, so thank goodness Poppy is getting some greens one way or another. That is my job for this afternoon, another double quantity, and I'll have to find some freezer space, or we'll all be bean souped out!!

 

I hope have a good weekend planned.

 

Another pic for you:

graphicView across the valley from paddock

 

Til later

 

Rose

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm just adding on bc it says the question is closed/finished.

I'll be back later with hotel info. :)

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh my goodness (I literally did say that out loud too!), your picture is breathtaking. You live in such a lovely place. That is surely a blessing in and of itself. The place I live is not pretty at all, so I very much enjoy seeing views such as yours to know that beauty is out there and people do see such beauty everyday!

 

It is good that you do believe me when I tell you what I feel about you as a person. Now contrast what I say to you to what you say to yourself about who you are. What is your internal dialog like? Are you listening to the replay of what was said to you long ago? Is is on automatic? Do you question it at all? And if so, what is your response? How do you keep the messages from those nuns and your parents going?

 

Even though you still listen to the replay messages for yourself and apply them to your life, you still know inside they are wrong. So much so that you taught Sam and Poppy completely different messages about themselves. You are so smart and resourceful that you went against everything you were taught. You automatically knew what to teach Sam and Poppy without ever being raised that way yourself. Amazing. This is a sign that although you still feel the messages apply to you, you have great doubts they are true at all for yourself and not true for others. It also means you can overcome them for yourself.

 

Roses....perfect! I think it is wonderful that you bought flowers for yourself. What a nice treat. Though it doesn't surprise me Dave took over when you got home, how you felt about it was good. You expressed being upset that he took the experience away from you (stealing your voice?). It is disappointing, but I also think it is a good learning experience. Here is something important to you that you can respond to. If you could replay that moment, what would you have said to Dave instead?

 

I would love to share some of your beans as long as you would take some of my rosemary and basil! I bet your soup is really good. Another picture in my head of Rose's cozy home with warm soup and beautiful views......

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, :)
I've done it at last! It's booked, there's no going back....
I hope that link works for you. The hotel should do me just fine, now I'm excited. I nearly told Sam this evening on our way home after his shift ended, but I decided to leave it a bit longer. Thanks for your post, I'm so glad you liked the photo. We are in a National Park here, and are very lucky with the countryside. I think the South West of England is the best all round area for the coast and the country, so if you visit the UK be sure to pay it a visit!! :) I'm sure I would think you live in a lovely place too, everywhere has it's own unique beauty.
I will give your questions re internal dialogue some thought tomorrow, that will be interesting. But I knew how so much of my childhood was unfair; once I left home I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend Tony and his family, absorbing family life as it should have been, watching interactions, being cared for in a way that I'd never experienced, loved and hugged, enjoying family events, laughter, Christmases like I'd never known Christmas before, and I didn't want to go home.....again.....ever. I went through a long period feeling that I had been wronged all through out my childhood, that I hadn't been treated as a child needed and deserved, and I felt very badly towards my parents, very, and I felt at this time that I couldn't love them again. I was thinking for myself, become independent, finding out how life should be lived, and I am indebted to Tony and his family for showing me so much, and sharing so many happy times with me. And once I was no longer with Tony, I continued a best friendship with his sister, and she showed me how to love and care for her daughter, to whom I am Godmother. I determined then how my children were to be nurtured, and hoped they would love me in a way that I couldn't love my mother.
This is hurting me badly remembering, so I will stop there.
Til tomorrow
Goodnight
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it's great! I love the hotel. Thank you for sending me the link. It sounds quaint and exciting all at the same time. I am having butterflies for you (pun intended!). I can't wait to hear about all of your adventures.

 

It sounds like being with Tony gave you so much. I am glad you had the chance to have him in your life, and his sister too. It is hurtful to think of what should have been for you as a child. It is painful in a way that few other things are. But it is also a powerful motivator. You did something good with your experience with Tony and his sister. You gave your children something precious.

 

Have a good night- talk to you tomorrow.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

I love your pun! And I'm so pleased you like the hotel. I have read that we are entering a heatwave this week, so it's all coming together, with good weather forecast. I have my middle day (Thursday) planned, a coastal path walk, taking in the Minack Theatre. Wait til I send you pics of that! Smile

 

I feel I have a guilty secret, but I like the feeling, bc it's all mine and not being spoilt by Dave's opinions, negative vibes or control. It won't be picked at til I come home, so I can look forward to it wholly, and share with just you and K, who so want it for me.

 

Here is another pic for you:

graphic

The pond being overtaken by yellow flags (iris) There are many fish, golden orphs and small carp, scores of babies this year. Lots of wildlife, always interesting to peer into the muddy water! The building on the left is the barn, our home, the window my kitchen (upstairs downstairs!), which opens onto decking, and Sam's room is half of the 'shed' on the right behind the aviary, where the rabbits (2) and budgies (13) live! I can here them now twittering and chatting away, as I sit at the kitchen table.

 

I hope your weather is good too, I wonder what you have planned for your day off? I'm helping Poppy with her long list of homework- malaria is the moments topic.

 

Til later

 

Rose

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You sound so happy! That makes me feel happy too. It is very exciting to have something to look forward to that is just for you, without Dave's issues interfering. I cannot wait to hear all the details.

 

You have quite the space where you live! And the nature sounds would be so soothing. I asked my husband about budgies and he mentioned that we do have some here brought over from the UK. I asked if he can point them out next time. I want to see if the bird will sing so I can hear what you hear!

 

The weather is up and down here. We are cooling off some with fall with days in the 70's and some dipping into the 60's. Mostly it is overcast. We get our "Indian Summer" usually in October, where it is hot for about one week. Then the big cool down starts towards Thanksgiving (November).

 

I am spending most of today helping my sister and her husband move my mother into her new place on my sister's property. My mother is not doing too well and she needs to be close to my sister, who is a nurse, just in case. Everyone is excited because the new place is very nice. My brother in law is a carpenter and he made the place very accommodating to my mother's needs. We are all grateful to have him in our family.

 

I will still be checking in if you would like to talk. I hope your day goes well and you don't have any trouble with Dave. It would be nice if you just had time to think about your time away and to be with the kids. Let me know how Poppy's homework assignment turns out. Malaria is quite an interesting topic!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

it is so good to hear from you, always. I hope you'll be able to find some budgies to listen to, you might find them in a big pet shop- they are popular pets here- maybe you have more parrots/ parakeets / cockatiels? I wouldn't recommend listening to them singing (sorry, screeching and squawking!) not pleasant.

I'm sorry to hear you mom isn't so good. It's an excellent idea to have her live near your sister so she can be on hand if needed. Carpenters are very useful persons generally, but the one I'm married to sadly isn't anymore! More on that topic tomorrow. I do need to talk, but not today, suffice to say that there has been plenty of trouble with Dave.

Poppy had to give up on her homework, she couldn't concentrate after the upset, and won't do anymore. She's made a good start though. My sister works in Ghana for FoE and when she was home on a visit a couple of years ago she became very poorly with the killer strain of Malaria. A few days in hospital sorted her out, but it took a good few days before she was diagnosed. She takes her anti-malarial meds now, no question!

It's odd that we were talking about Tony yesterday. Dave was telling Poppy about the place that we met, while I was staying with Tony's sister. Poppy asked Dave if he had met my old boyfriend, he said he had, and she said he looked funny didn't he (he wasn't the best looking, she's only seen 1 pic of him) and he said yes tall and gangly. Then he became very upset with her for asking about him, that he shouldn't be mentioned, not politically correct!!! She said WHAT?? Then why are we allowed to talk about Georgina, her half brother's mum! That was that!!

I am still feeling happy about my few days away, I'm so glad it cheers XXXXX XXXXX But there is a worried cloud over shadowing it a little, but hopefully it will have blown away before Wednesday dawns.

Have a happy Sunday evening. I hope you have been looking after your back, lifting and carrying bits and pieces- bend those knees, keep the load as close to your centre of gravity as possible, do not twist, and communicate with your partner, lead and follow lead!!

Good night

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry to hear that Dave is up to no good again today. He does not take a break, does he? We could talk today, I am just fine with it. I don't want you to sit with such a burden because it is Sunday. I always want to talk with you, Rose.

 

That is pretty scary what your sister went through. Sounds very exotic, working in Ghana! What is the FoE?

 

So Dave has other children? You may have mentioned this already but for some reason I cannot recall for sure. Yes, Dave seems to have a different standard for you than he does for himself. But it is very interesting that Poppy notices the difference too. Very perceptive girl.

 

Please tell me about this cloud threatening your happiness over your get away. I hope it's nothing too serious (and it's name is XXXXX XXXXX).

 

Thank you for the moving advice! It is much appreciated. I did try to lift responsibly and I think I must have done fine since my back is not protesting! Now tomorrow morning, who knows?Wink

 

Have a good night, Rose. When you wake up, it'll be one day closer to your time away!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ah, thanks Kate.

i'll be ok til tomorrow, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX the cloud is called dave! he doesn't know, but i'm feeling a little scared :(

FoE = Friends of the Earth.
Dave's son is 27!

another day closer... :)

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Ok, Rose, till tomorrow. Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you and praying that cloud dissipates!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

About that cloud......

Ok, this weekend went like this:

Friday evening, Sam, his girlie Caragh, Poppy and I had supper, S and C went out. D came home at 8pm from the pub, his supper put in front of him, I listened to him for 5 mins before I went to my room. He put on loud music which was beating through the floor and down the stairs to my room. At 10pm I texted Poppy (didn’t want to go upstairs) to ask her to ask him to turn it down so I could sleep. She texted me back to say he was snoring on the sofa!!!

Sat am (I’ve told you already I think- yes, about the roses). Looking back at the post and your reply, what would I have said if I had dared(!)? Well, I would be too scared to say anything, bc I would be told I’m being verbally abusive, nagging, picking fault. But in my head I would say why won’t you let me enjoy the small pleasant things that I can, why do you want to take the pleasure away from me. Instead he watched as I carried heavy shopping bags up the stairs unpacked them and put them away. All I could muster was please don’t cut them too short. He was washing up some cups etc, and I said why don’t you stack the dishwasher? (Is that nagging? I realise he was doing something useful for a change.) Now, all this might sound rather petty, but we’re building up to something. The rest of the day that he was home was spent moving the garden furniture around without asking my thoughts (I can’t move it back if I don’t like it like that),so that he could put his drum kit up on the decking, and polishing it so he could play it at a gig thing in the evening. At some stage I mentioned that it would be good to use the last of the good weather to get some jobs done, that Sam’s room especially needed some attention before the winter. He said OK, tomorrow. I respectfully XXXXX XXXXX time he needed to have eaten by, and made sure no-one stood in his way, prepared his meal, and said good luck, have a good time. My evening was spent driving the children to various places, and entertaining a friend of Poppy’s who wasn’t allowed to go to her own home for some odd reason (Poppy was out). When he came home (he wasn’t drunk, was driving) I said how was it, tried my best to be positive for him.

Sunday was a beautiful day. I took Sam to his lunchtime shift and came home. Dave slept in til 12.00. After b/fast he went out in the garden for an hour, then I made him lunch. I asked him whether he had any plans for this evening, I was asked why, I said could he take Sam into Exeter to stay with his girlfriend. He said why, what are you doing. I said ironing and Poppy’s violin practice!... He then went to his room and watched You Tube for 2 hours before getting Sam from work at 3.30. When Sam came in I asked him where dad was, he said gone off to the pub. He arrived home at 6pm, Sam said, great dad, I thought you were taking me to town. He said that’s not for another hour. He came up the stairs and I said (first time for years) did you have nothing better to do? His immediate reaction was explosive, and that no, he didn’t have anything better to do, what’s the point of doing anything anymore, the economy is going down the plughole. The children come on strong, Dad there are so many things that need doing here, you’re not doing anything productive. He screams back that he spent an hour doing stuff this morning, what have they done that was constructive? I was happy when I came home, had been watching the rugby. Poppy said why don’t you go back there then. He said mother has been pick pick at me all weekend, doesn’t have anything nice to say to me. I say please tell me what I’m meant to have said, when and what. He couldn’t. He said I am verbally abusive, said I’m going to start writing it all down, make a book; I said great idea, I’m already on my second book, almost ready to go to publication!! He looked daggers at me, disbelieving. I said No Kidding!!

The kids were hotting up, used some very choice language (some words have never left my lips!!). We are eating roast chicken. He’s having a go at Sam for wrecking his toilet door, Sam replies that it’s him that makes him angry more than anything. Dave says he shouldn’t be out there anyway, we haven’t got planning permission for a bedroom, only a utility room. Sam said where do you want me to sleep then? D said in your room in the house. P says that’s mums room, D says she’ll have to come back to my room, P says she doesn’t want to, I can’t blame her, your room is a mess, you snore, she needs some peace to sleep well and help her get better.

He said look at what you’ve got bc of me, we wouldn’t have the kids. We came back here to where you were born, to your village, your family, YOUR home (he was dead keen, more so than me). Look at what we have, I built this home, me, I. I am that mad man that you met at St Brides, who was different to everyone else. He certainly was behaving like a mad man.

Poppy is very deeply entrenched in a cursing argument. He says he doesn’t trust or respect anybody who he has never met face to face, people manipulate people for their own benefit, greed, blindly going on about people around them, no democracy, that’s why he dropped out of society all those years ago, distrust in people who think they are better than anybody else. He needs to have a deep conversation with people before he can trust. Mum shouldn’t be talking to K, we don’t know anything about her, her political or religious view, she’s probably jus making money out of her. I say you need to vet people before I can talk to them? Yes, for your own benefit, especially an American. I said I had a counsellor in the village before I had K, and you didn’t know her either. P said we’re not allowed to do anything without your opinion we all have to listen to your opinion... No No, I’m not like that (!) I am unique.. P said there are people like you all over the world, people who think like you, yes in America.. no Americans don’t think like we do, they have a different outlook on life. He says Mum’s on a level where nobody else counts in her life, she should be trying to sort her life out on her own. P says Mum’s asked for help to sort her life out, you use alcohol to sort your life out, how do you know if K is helping Mum or not, it’s not going to happen just like that, it’s going to take time. K isn’t trying to make money out of her, she is helping her.

Sam is busy trying to get packed to go to his girlfriend’s house. He tells Poppy that dad is lying, talking B*** S***, don’t listen to him (actually a lot of it doesn’t make sense either). I’m making notes! She does a great job. She can fight my corner anytime. (I feel bad letting her get on with it.)

Poppy says she’s OK to stay at home with dad, so I take Sam to town. He says sorry to Dave before he leaves. Dave says ‘you will be.’ Sam is very angry in the car on the way to town. I say D tries to turn every thing around and make me the bad guy. Sam says no mum, you’re doing everything right, the one criticism he would make, but he doesn’t blame me one bit for it, is that I don’t laugh and smile with D. He says D is totally out of order, and he hopes P will come round and make up her own mind.
I said I wouldn’t let D take him to town after being at the pub. He said don’t worry, he wouldn’t have got in the car with him. I said if ever I’m not around and things blow up, please not to hesitate to get help from neighbours, or phone the police if he had to. I drove it home that this is what he must do, but he said he doesn’t want D to hate him. He didn’t think he would be violent, but I reminded him of the time when he pushed Sam about and was so close to going down the stairs, and the time when we had to prevent him from smashing up the tele. There were other times that he won’t remember, so I didn’t share those with him. Sam was very concerned about D’s parting words- you will be sorry-, and said what did I think he would do, burn his room down? When I got home I hid the keys to Sam’s room, just in case.

I am scared of him. He is mad. I’m concerned about my days away, what he will do , if anything. I just can’t be sure that anything is safe. The kids. I’m thinking they need to be with friends. I just don’t know.

Sorry about this blow by blow account of the weekend, but I don’t know how else to get things down in words.

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose,

 

I'm having a bit of a problem with JA. It's not working right!! Ugh. I am trying to fix it. I won't leave until I can get back to your question, I promise!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Don't worry Kate, take your time, later will be OK,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Sorry about that. JA started this new rule where we have to answer people who have asked another question before we are allowed to respond to anyone else. So I can't skip to answer you, I have to respond to others first. And the system was giving me some trouble. I am sorry to keep you waiting.

 

Wow, you had quite a weekend. I am so sorry that you had to go through that.

 

I am glad you did a blow by blow. It gave me a detailed picture of what goes on during interactions with Dave. He has quite the logic when it comes to confronting him about his problems.

 

Dave is very centered around himself. He thinks totally through himself and no one else. As you were describing your interaction with him, all I kept thinking is that Dave is a bully. He is mean, threatening and he puts all of his actions on you. Instead of seeing himself as the culprit as the verbally abusive one, he tells you that you are verbally abusive. Huh? That could not be further from the truth.

 

Your requests that he help out around the house are certainly reasonable. Matter or fact, you should not even have to request him to do anything. He should be doing this all himself. He lives there, he needs to do the work too.

 

Asking him to take Sam is also reasonable. Dave is used to only taking care of himself and doesn't think of others. So your request irritates him. It challenges his right to think only of himself.

 

I understand your need to keep the peace. Dave is an unknown factor. Because of his behavior, he is unpredictable. So deliberately setting him off is a scary idea. Because of that, I've been thinking that a good back up plan is needed for your leaving.

 

You have a good idea for this week's time away. The kids need to be with friends or relatives. Setting that up and giving them safe places to be is great.

 

For your ultimate leaving however, that may take some more planning. We mentioned it before, but I also thought that you worked some on it with K. Is that right? I don't want to start coming at you with ideas and suggestions if you are already working on it or if you don't want to work on it.

 

It may also be a good idea to answer back to XXXXX XXXXXke you did. A little here and there may give you an idea of his boundaries. You also need a chance to build up your self esteem. Dave's power over you lies in your beliefs about yourself. You take in what he says and don't challenge it, like with the flowers. Confidence that you can handle yourself and anything Dave does has to be built up.

 

What do you think?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Thanks for trawling through my weekend's activities! It has just dawned on me this evening that Dave was cagey about taking Sam to Exeter, and wanted to know what I was doing bc he had already planned to go to the pub to watch the rugby, but wouldn't admit it! Now I get it.

So now you have a better idea why I rarely open my mouth to speak to him, and why it's easier to just get on with things myself, and not ask him to do anything for me. Yes, unpredictable, but invariably I am speaking out of turn, I am wrong, or shouldn't ask cos you won't get. Anyway, there it is.

Yes, I am apparently verbally abusive, but I actually take tremendous care not to be, so that he can't lay it on me. The children, however, were certainly abusive to him, they want to get their point across and not be bullied. And I am abusive by proxy for allowing them to speak to him like that, and not interject to stop them.

The trouble with stirring Dave up with replies, requests, or complaints, is that he totally turns things around to be in his favour, making me the problem. I have been careful not to let this happen for a very long while now, bc I couldn't cope with him ramming it home that I was nothing but trouble. I agree I am stronger now, and will be able to handle it much better, but the seeds of doubt are always there, as they were this weekend- AM I being unreasonable, AM I out of order, AM I abusive? I had to ask Sam those questions on our way into town. He said no mum, you're fine. But if I had said I wanted to do the flowers he would be hurt, angry, and say that I was getting at him for trying to help me. I know, and I want to, build my confidence with Dave, his power over me is in the things that he says to me to make me out to be ALL BAD.

I have spoken with the children about my time in Cornwall, and they have promised to keep it from Dave until I'm ready to tell him. Poppy is adamant she doesn't want to go to her friends house, so Sam will stay here with her. I will make sure the neighbours are aware that I'm going- I have already briefed them about what went on while they were in Italy, so they will be on the lookout.

I haven't discussed my getaway with K yet, but I will tomorrow. Please tell me if you have any words of wisdom on that matter!

I want to email the weekend story to K ahead of our session tomorrow. If you were her, would you be offended by what I have written that he said about her and Americans?

Thanks Kate,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh Rose, there is nothing to worry about. I am not offended in the least about Dave and what he said about Americans and I don't think K will be either. Us Americans can be a bit outspoken and unrulyWink, but that aside, I think K will do exactly what I did- look at the source. Whatever Dave says should be taken with a grain of salt. He does not see things fairly or without bias. And his behavior makes it impossible to take him seriously. And therefore there is no reason to be concerned.

 

Are you concerned that K will think your getaway is a bad idea?

 

Yes, it is very clear why you leave him out and do things yourself. He has made it so hard to engage him and try to work with him that you have little choice. I think he made it that way so he does not have to be responsible. By blaming you for being "nagging" and "verbally abusive" he also does not have to take responsibility for his own abuse of you and the kids.

 

I do not think you could be verbally abusive if you tried and definitely not at the level Dave is abusive. He is simply transferring his issues onto you.

 

Being confident and standing your ground is completely different than being abusive. I think that is also part of what Dave tries to keep you from doing. He does not want a confident Rose or one that stands her ground. If that occurred, he could not be what he is. He would feel threatened and out of control. His whole life, which depends on you being afraid of him and being under his control, would crumble. And that is Dave's sole power in life.

 

It is also very common for someone who is abused to question themselves. The abuser makes sure of that, for if you are worried about something wrong with you, you are not thinking about what is being done to you. You are not able to muster up the strength to fight the abuse. Your energy becomes about trying to fix yourself instead.

 

Your plan for Sam and Poppy sounds good. If something did happen, they could always call you as well.

 

How are you feeling about your trip? I hope the events of this past weekend did not take too much of the excitement away. You very much deserve this time, Rose.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I know, I worry too much. But I couldn't bear it if you were upset by my words. I think K will be concerned about my get away, but the children seem to be very strong at the moment they should be OK. I will just have to deal with the consequences on me when I get home, but I will be prepared for it.

I am feeling good about my trip, yes, I'm still excited, I've just been trying to plan how to make things easier on the kids, homework needs, packed lunches, getting up in the morning etc, so that they don't have to rely on Dave for anything.

I've had a short day with Alexis today, I tried to get cover so I could have the day off, but couldn't, so I finished at 2.30. We went to the House of Marbles shop and tearoom for a coffee. I thought of you all around the shop looking at the amazing special marbles and lovely glass things. I bought 2 more blue marbles for our little collection. There weren't any nice red ones. I am totally shattered, maybe the stress has caught up with me. I had to come home and go to bed, but couldn't sleep. I've been waking at 4.30 every night, and need to take more analgesia to get back to sleep. I was imagining myself driving to Cornwall tomorrow (hopefully staying awake), checking into the hotel and going to bed!! Maybe I will, but I'll feel better for it.

Did you have some ideas to share with me about telling Dave and my eventual leaving tomorrow? I'm sure I will talk it through tonight with K, but your thoughts are just as important to me.

The weather hasn't shown itself as promised. I hope at least the sun will shine for me over the next few days, if not, then the rain to stay away.

Back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like you have everything covered and prepared! This is exciting and I imagine a little scary too. Leaving on vacation and facing Dave when you go is a big step but it is good preparation for the future.

 

Some rehearsal should help you deal with telling Dave. I imagine that you have a good idea of how he will react. He is probably going to try to stop you as well. Think through how you want to respond to just a minor protest from him (ok, we can be hopeful here!) to a major blow out, where he tries to physically stop you. Think of your responses to each scenario. What will you feel and how you will handle it. And what you will say. Allow yourself moments of doubt. It is ok to feel unsure and scared. If you allow yourself to experience these feelings and still go through with your plans, you will have crossed a major hurdle in your situation. And even if you don't, you are still facing this head on. You are not canceling your plans and you are willing to deal with Dave and all his drama. That is bravery itself.

 

When it comes to your responses, you may want to think about an all around good response that shuts Dave down and keeps you calm at the same time. Something simple like "I need this and I am going. I will see you (date)". And say this repeatedly to every thing he says. Leave him a note somewhere to find later (in the microwave for example) saying what you have done with the kids' arrangements. Then tell the kids the rest of the information like emergency numbers, etc. (I think you mentioned you did this already). Then go. Have your car parked close and have it open already so you can jump in and lock it. You may want to see if the kids are willing to stay with a friend or neighbor until you have gone so they do not get the brunt of Dave's emotional response.

 

You may also want to consider someone with you. This is just a consideration and I would also talk to K about your thoughts on this. But if someone else is there, Dave is more likely to watch his behavior with you and not cause as much trouble. A neighbor "just stopping by" or a friend will help.

 

What do you think?

 

Kate

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I have lots of ammunition stacked up now, I just need to sort it through while I'm asleep and hope it's in order when I wake up!! The children will be up and gone to school before Dave is up, I'll have a chance to get things packed up and ready before he's up. I have talked to Poppy again and she is willing to go to her friends house if things get messy in the morning, so I feel happier about that.

I'll let you know how things go, he might just be charming and wish me a lovely time. K and I have talked about the worst case scenario, but it's better to be prepared as you say. The car will be ready for the off before I tell him.

I must catch some sleep before I'm woken again.

Til tomorrow, and thanks for holding my hand,

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I never hold your hand. You are strong and resourceful! This is going to be a wonderful adventure for you. And good for you to ask for assistance. This is not easy and your doing it anyway. I think it's great.

 

I am glad you had the chance to talk to K about the situation. It sounds like she had some good advice for you.

 

I can't wait to hear all about your adventure! Have fun!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I am feeling so happy I don't know what to do with myself! Not really :), I mean I know exactly what to do...

I felt it all going pear-shaped this morning when Sam missed his bus which meant I would have to take an hour to get him to college and me home again. But, I made the bread, albeit forgetting the yeast (I realised and added it at the last minute)!!, but it’ll have to do, it’s very un-risen, but I don’t care.

I was all packed and showered, everything in the car before Sam was ready. I was going to come home again and tell Dave, but I thought what’s the point, once I’m out I might as well stay out. I made his coffee and woke him with a few mins to go before we had to leave, so Sam was with me. I said I’m off to Cornwall for a couple of days, I said just the words you suggested. He was still half asleep, but managed to come to enough to ask me a million questions, and then I was gone. Sam said that went well, no chance for him to get mad. So all smiles. The sun is shining, it’s warm, I was singing in the car to the radio.

I arrived too early at my hotel so left my bag and went exploring. You're right about quaint, I've been here before, but it all seems so unfamiliar, seen through different eyes. I've been looking in all the tiny cottagey shops packed full of pretty things, jewellery, shells, gems, wandering the narrow streets. I forgot my camera was in my bag, so I'll take some pics when I go out again. I've been down to the harbour, the sky is completely blue, unblemished, it's warm, but there is a real sea breeze. Tonight the high water is the highest this year, due at 18.45, and there have been flood warnings in the town. I intend to watch the sun set from the harbour pier, and should see the high tide at the same time. So exciting.

My hotel room is huge, sleeps 3! light and airy, overlooking the Highstreet, not very quiet, but nice to hear the people below. The wifi is poor signal, very slow, but good enough I guess. I will see K again tomorrow, hope it's up to skyping.

The kids are OK. Poppy has just texted me to ask how dad was. I said he was OK, but didn't really have a chance to be otherwise. I will call again later.

I'll send you some pics later,

Til then

Rose :)


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am so happy for you! You sound wonderful! And I am glad all went well with Dave. Good timing on your part, getting him before he could get his wits about him.

 

I've said this before, but you really deserve this time, Rose. Enjoy and don't worry about anything. This is your "me" time. Soak it all in and relax.

 

Thank you for taking the time to let me know what happened! I was thinking of you all morning.

 

Have lots of fun!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate

 

I've just been helping Poppy with that malaria h/w via skype!! Whatever next! Smile She wants to learn her french with me tomorrow night!

 

I've had a lovely day. Time by the sea, browsing the shoppes, eating cornish pasties, icecreams (2), fish and chips....Mmmmm.

A poem for you.....

Standing on the edge of land and sea,

The divide between two great masses,

Mergence of terra firma, oceana,

Inspiration for awe and wonder,

Filling the senses, all at once,

With nature's incredible diversity.

Warm and gentle offshore breeze,

Perpetually in motion, never still,

Softly changing the sand-scape,

Eroding abandoned sandcastles, footprints,

Smoothing harsh edges, remodelling effortlessly,

Sculpting with a skilled hand.

Sun casting long perfect shadows

Across footprints discarded in the sand,

Close to setting behind me,

Sharing it's last warm evening rays,

Through an unblemished clear blue sky

Glinting off the ripples at the water's edge.

Calm waves lapping the emptying beach,

New patterns with every rise and fall,

Softly rolling, delicately edged with white foam lace,

Stirring up the sand beneath,

Remoulding the beach for another new day,

Leaving it virginal once again.

Blue green ocean,

Sparkling, rippling, never still,

Forming soft stippled peaks in the harbour,

Motorboats, fun, speed, laughter,

Fishing boats, gentle, peaceful, tranquil,

Harbour filled with livelihood, recreation, side by side.

I have found peace.

graphic

Talk tomorrow

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Rose! That is the most relaxed I have felt all day. How do I click accept?Wink

 

You truly have found a piece of heaven. That picture could be framed it is so soothing. I could almost feel my toes in the sand.

 

All those foods sound good! What are Cornish pasties?

 

Do you realize the talent you have? Your poem is beautiful! Please consider publishing what you write. It is amazing.

 

Have a good night!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You make me very happy.
pasty tomorrow

goodnight :)

rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Fair enough! Good night, sweet dreams!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

It's another beautiful day. I'm so happy to be hear. I've just had the BIGGEST breakfast- I won't need any icecreams today!

 

Cornish pasties are lovely. History- they've been around since the 1300's, but for the last 200 years or so regularly made be wives of Cornish miners and working classes for their lunch, leftovers from dinner the day before, put inside a parcel of shortcrust pastry- easy to carry and eat. Traditionally meat and potato, onion and swede, but today anything goes, but usually something with potato. I had cheese broccoli and sweetcorn yesterday, the potato goes unsaid. :) The pasty is the Cornish national dish!!

 

graphic

 

Thank you for your lovely comment about my poem. It makes me happy to write them.

 

Til later

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good morning!

 

Thank you for the description of Cornish pasties. I'm going to have to try and make some since I can't buy them here. They look really good. They remind me a bit of the peirogies that are so popular here in the North. They are pasta like shells filled with potatoes and cheese.

 

Enjoy your day!

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm sitting in my car high on the cliff facing due West so that I can watch the sunset! It's been an amazing day, I have walked and sat, and paddled, even stumbled upon a Nudist beach!!!! It was a such a beautiful beach I couldn't drag myself away from it, not even spoilt by lots of aging dangly bits!!

Sun is getting lower, turning orange, looking good. :)

Be back later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like you are having lots of fun, dangly bits included! It is easy to feel that I get a little vacation myself just hearing about your days. I am tickled to see you so happy.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I've had a glorious day. The weather has been impeccable.
I had such a massive breakfast I had to lie down for an hour before I could get on with my day! At least I didn't need to stop for lunch.

I've had today planned since last week. It has worked out well, apart from hardly managing so many ups and downs of the cliff paths and feeling like a pair of crutches would come in handy!! I have another poem in the making. Hope to finish tomorrow morning. After the amazing beach (hopefully photo below) I climbed seemingly endlessly to the Minack Theatre, which was a life long project for one woman and her gardener, who wanted to build an amphetheatre at the bottom of her garden on the granite cliffs. It's an amazing place, the photos won't do it justice, but I think it's seventh heaven. One day I will see a play performed here. The season is just ending, so not this time.

After a well deserved coffee and slice of orange and poppyseed cake, I drove into the west, in fact the most westerly point of England, and waited for the sun to set, spoilt only by low cloud over the horizon, so couldn't see the final curtain call. Poppy wanted some pics, so I did my best.

I've had a skype session with K tonight, she is thrilled that I am feeling so good, she says I have made her week. :) I'm so pleased you are tickled for me too. I've helped Poppy with her french conversation homework too, the wonders of technology. I thought I was meant to be getting away from it all!!

Hope your day has been good, suppertime now??

Good night

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Pics (I hope) graphic

The dangly beach before

 

 

 

 

graphic The dangly beach after!!

 

 

graphicMinack Theatre

 

Smile Big Hugs

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Your day sounds like it was perfect! I will take a look on line at the Minack Theatre since the photo didn't come through. And the food sounds as good as the scenery.

 

With kids it is very hard to get away. But I am sure Poppy appreciates it and it helps her miss you a little less to know Mom is just a Skype away!

 

I understand how K feels. It is wonderful to see you feel so happy.

 

Supper is over. We eat early on some days, depending on our schedule. The kids are so hungry when they get home from school it's easier to feed them early too. It's almost bed time here for them. School again tomorrow! At least it's Friday...

 

Sleep well, Rose. Many adventures await for you tomorrow, I hope!

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

The pictures did come through. Wow! It does look like Heaven! It is gorgeous there.

 

Thanks for letting me see where you are.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

Sitting by the sea, absorbing every last moment. I can't go home.

Yesterdays poem for you. :)


Rugged cliffs rising from a turmoil of tangled wracked seaweed,
Waves crashing against boulders smoothed by incessant untamed energies,
Heaving , swirling, foaming flotsam and jetsam,
Weary of trying to reach land, going with the flow,
The swell of a vast expanse of emerald green.

Great hunks of granite loitering, projecting, in disarray,
Thrown into position by an unimaginable force,
Deeply scarred from countless weather battles ,
Standing century over the quiet still land,
Prepared to defend til the end of time.

Autumn Sun, full and unchallenged in a candy flossed sky,
Clouds gently changing with earth’s imperceptible motion.
Sparrowhawk hovering, eyes bright, focussed far below
Movement undetectable, effortless, skilfull,
Precisely diving, to the sustaining heathers beneath.

Cliffs steeped in beauty of rust coloured fronds, turning in the early autumn sun,
Naked granite rocks laden with brittle grey lichens,
Gorse saddened by the passing of almond fragranced flowers,
Heathers holding on to their last gentle colours,
Sharing a rare foothold amidst the granite.

Vast expanse of precious golden sand, pristine and fine,
Encrusting bare feet, webbed tracks cross-crossing naked footprints,
Aquamarine waves breaking furiously in a mist of spray,
Long white and tumbling, creating whirlpools in the sand,
Each new wave competing to reach further and beyond.

Constant undertone, murmuring of the seas many voices,
Intermittent crashing, ebb and flow, over and over,
No rest, no quiet, no volume control,
Rumbling, splashing, dynamic and rhythmical
A cathedral choir of nature’s harmonious music.

Sun playfully creating mosaics in the warm and shallow pools,
As the tide disturbs the still waters beneath
Filling the sand and deep creviced rock pools,
Awakening pink tentacled anemones once more,
Another ecosystem of precious miniature life.


I can't go home.

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

Your poem is so touching and full of emotion. You have a wonderful grasp of words and how to put them together to create a feeling and a picture all at the same time. Simply beautiful.

 

I could also tell from your words that there is an underlying sense of the inevitably of your situation. Going back is always hard but your situation puts going home beyond the ordinary. There is an extra dread that goes with dealing with Dave and all the stress he brings.

 

But you can take this one step at a time. Start by thinking about your life at home. You were just there a few days ago (I know, it doesn't feel like it, does it?!) and you were coping just fine. You even had some happy moments, mostly when Dave was away, but you did. You found pockets of peace. And you can do it again.

 

And now that you have been away, you have had time to regroup. You are in a better frame of mind to cope with life at home. You can start making changes, even just small ones, to give yourself more control.

 

You are also going back a changed person. You did not think you could leave just a few weeks ago. You faced Dave and the stress of the situation and went on ahead and left. You gained something from this experience. You are not quite the same person as when you left.

 

All of these things go together to help you face going back. I know it's not easy. But I am here and K is with you as well. We will stay with you as often as you need us.Take a deep breath and remember you are strong, independent and resourceful.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I know. I will make it home. I don't have the will power to get up and go now, the tears are already coming. Everyone has left the beach, I am alone. Do you think I'm strong? Why do I need to be alone?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Yes, I do think you are strong. Anyone who can live through what you have lived through and come out as kind hearted, thoughtful and as smart as you is very strong. And you are an excellent mother to Sam and Poppy and a great nurse. These are all things that came from you, not your parents or your relationship with Dave. This is all deep inside you.

 

There is nothing wrong with being alone, if you mean that you want to be by yourself. You are introverted and enjoy the aspects of life that have to do with being creative, quiet and introspective. That is very healthy.

 

But if you mean be alone as in having to be alone with no support, that is a tougher situation. You are alone in your life in terms of responsibility and work. You have no functional partner at least at this point in your life. I believe that once you explore and resolve some of the issues that made you choose Dave over a healthier partner, you will get the relationship you need for yourself.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am sitting in the hotel bar, it's full of noise and laughter, but the tears are rolling, I can't stop them. I'm stuck, I know I must get up and go, go, now before someone sees me. I came back to get my bag, i'll have a coffee then go. Thank you Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It's ok to cry. You have a lot to face and it is not easy. Cry as much as you need to. It is a good way to cope.

 

Let me know when you reach home. I want to be here for you if you need someone to talk to.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much Kate. Still stuck. I don't care about the tears rolling. I will go soon. I'll let you know when I'm back. You are so kind.
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I am sorry. I know you are having a rough time. This is a great time for one of those hugs we talk about. I imagine you could use it right now. I'm thinking of you.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate, I could do with a hug. You are lovely

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! Talk to you soon,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm home. There was a welcoming party of dogs, but no-one else. Kind of glad. Poppy at friends, Sam at work, Dave at pub. He did leave me a note to say hope I had a nice time. Lola is loving me, and making it difficult for me to write this post, climbing on my laptop! She's very pleased with the soft toy frog I bought her in a charity shop, sitting wet and soggy in my lap!

It was SO hard to leave, I cried half the way home. Maybe another night would have been good. I'm glad to be home alone, it's making it easier to be back.

Thank you for your thoughts

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I'm glad you made it home and all is well. I think it is good that everyone is away and you have time to get used to being there again.

 

It is hard to leave such a paradise and come back to your troubles. I am sorry you felt so bad as to cry part of the way home. You are unhappy with your life as it is and I think being away gave you a glimpse of life without Dave and how free you felt. Planning another trip as soon as you can would not be a bad idea!

 

Let me know how you settle in.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dear Kate,

I am sitting in Tesco Supermarket cafe, Cappucino, almond croissants, gone already. I have left Poppy at her rehearsals, and am biding some time before collection. I have my trusty dongle plugged in and have re-read your posts, regrouping as you say, now that I have overcome the journey home. I still haven't faced Dave. I doubled up on my sedation last night, desperate to sleep. I left him undisturbed this morning.

Your words are so important, they mean so much. I need to accept my introversion and be happy that this is where I will find the peace I need, alone with my inner self. Now that I have started to write it helps me to focus, see what is important to me, that it can be just me if I want. I appreciate your comparison of being alone, one is choice, the other is not. I agree, the other is hard, but I hope it won't be forever. I will know if I've gained strength when the weekend is through, I'm sure I'm a changed person albeit subtly, I need some more fight, but Dave won't be too pleased!

Thank you for all your support, and for sharing in my vacation. I'll post some more photos later.

Rose :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I think it is good that you avoid Dave until you are ready. Interaction with him usually leaves you with a bad feeling and there is no reason to rush that.

 

You mention needing more fight. I think it is difficult for anyone to want to face what Dave dishes out. You have plenty of strength but the kind of fight it takes to deal with Dave and his issues is something anyone would have to build up to. If you re read some of the experiences you had with Dave that you wrote about, it is amazing that you are as calm as you are. They are some pretty traumatizing experiences. It takes much strength to deal with something like that. Celebrating your strength and recognizing it will help you realize you are strong right now.

 

I really enjoyed sharing your vacation. I felt I got away myself a little bit. I have always wanted to visit the UK and you showed me a side I would probably would have never thought to see myself. Thank you!

 

I wondered if you were ok with us starting a new thread. The JA system is giving me some trouble about posting and I almost lose the thread sometimes. Is that ok? We can stick with this one as long as possible if you don't want to start another one yet. Let me know what you are comfortable with.

 

I'll talk with you soon,

 

Kate

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Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

i'm in a state of stuckness if there is such a thing, can't feel, head won't think. I have a

horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach, I feel very unsettled. I'm home alone, just how I like it....but why am I crying?

 

I had to see Dave at lunchtime. He wanted to hug me. Told me he'd missed me. Was upset when I couldn't say the same. I can't lie. He's trying. But out .

 

I am strong, I can keep going, I have to. The cottage is mine again when I want it. If I want it.

 

I will start a new thread tomorrow.

Please don't lose my message.

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I am sorry that you are going through this. Facing Dave and all that comes with him is also facing your past and current feelings. There is a lot of baggage there. I think it is very normal for you to cry about this. Seeing Dave reminds you of what you have to deal with, your past where you didn't get what you needed and the burden you carry coping with all of these feelings. It is overwhelming and I imagine the tears are about the stress of it all.

 

There is nothing wrong with you holding back from Dave. He has not done anything that warrants hugging him or offering him any affection. It is perfectly fine for you to avoid responding. Telling him that you care about him would require you to be open, tell a lie and be vulnerable. Holding back is being strong. It is sticking to your guns and saying this is what I feel and I won't give in just because you pressure me to.

 

It is great the cottage is available. Take advantage of it. Time alone to think about your future and to get some peace is definitely a good option.

 

I will not lose your message. I am thinking about a way to save them so I can have access anytime.

 

I will be here tonight if you need me,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I do need you kate, I don't know how to feel better. Here I am, all alone. I'm deep inside a well, and the lid is being shut. You are the only one with the rope. It's dark and lonely. Is that how I like it? Now I'm muddled.
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

No, dark and lonely is how you feel in the situation you are in. It is not who you are. Just a few days ago you were happy and free. So this is about your situation. You are going back to a marriage where you feel dominated and controlled. In order to stay in the relationship, you have to forfeit feeling good about yourself and your freedom- two very important parts of you. You got to bring these parts of yourself out this past week and now you have to let them go again and tuck them away. I believe that you are mourning this as a loss.

 

It is alright to feel dark and sad about your situation. That is good actually. It means that you recognize it for what it is. If you were happy being abused and overwhelmed, I would worry about you. You are reacting appropriately. The time will come that you will use how you feel now to motivate yourself to climb out of the darkness and into the light of freedom.

 

Give yourself time to adjust. Do something good for yourself, like you did on vacation. Treat yourself with extra tender loving care. Allow yourself time to adjust and take is slowly. You coped before and you can again. But also have hope. The changes you are making and the way you are looking at your situation is changing bit by bit. This will add up to you making a big change someday soon. I see the change and I think K does too. You are going to be just fine, Rose.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
T Y Kate

R
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Good night Kate,
I'm OK now, thank you

Rose


Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome, Rose. Let me know how you are tomorrow. You sounded so down I just want to be sure you are ok.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,
Bless you. I am in mourning, that's a clever thought.I feel so unsettled. I am sitting in the warm sun, with a beautiful view, a pony over my right shoulder, a dog to my left, fishes jumping in the pond, a dragonfly hovering above. I have been chastised that I left him asleep and went to visit my parents, taking Lola with me. He came to find me when he was up, told me off like a child.
I am OK. I am forced to spend the day with him, he wants to go out and I can't refuse. Poppy doesn't want to come, I hope to change her mind.
I picked more and more beans yesterday, wishing that exchange with your lovely herbs. :) I don't do well with herbs, just lemonbalm that takes over everything! I must send this now, he's getting demanding, I'll check back later.
You're up and busy early! Have a good Sunday.
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I understand the unsettled feeling. It is expected with having to face dealing with such a awful situation as Dave presents. Think of it as a child who must go back to her abusive home after being in a safe, warm place. This is what you face. You are no longer a child being abused, but you are an adult in an abusive situation. It brings out your child inside and the adult who wants to do something about it but feels helpless and anxious about attempting it.

 

Your feeling that you must spend the day with Dave against your will is a sign that you are abused. And he feels free enough to tell you off for making a personal choice. He sees you taking freedom where he has not given his approval and he is threatened so he takes action to protect himself. Where on earth does he get that right? Who is he that he can force you to do something you do not want to do? How do you feel about it?

 

Kate

 

PS Thank you for the picture of you! You're beautiful.

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Don't ask me why I posted a pic of me! Can't scrub it now! Took it this am on webcam....!

I walked with him. We were strangers. I can't wait to be free.

 

These pics are much more interesting.. some I didn't get to send from St Ives.

 

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

graphicgraphic

 

The shop was AMAZING (Kudos) I thought of you the whole time I was in there,(I spent at least an hour in there, plus 2 further visits!) it was jam packed full, as you can see; there were glass cabinets each with different coloured gems and jewellery. I took a pic of the blue one. I'll add it in a minute. You would have LOVED it.Smile

I've probably overloaded this thread somewhat now, so I'll start afresh later.graphicI so hope this worked

 

Rose

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

The pictures all came through. They are fun to look at. Thank you for thinking of me on your trip. I am very flatteredLaughing I agree, I would have loved Kudos. So many blues things to play with! And I did enjoy the picture of you. I understand it makes you feel vulnerable. But I liked your picture. Now I have even a better idea of you and can think about you when I write!

 

You walked with Dave. How did you feel about it? I know you said you felt like the two of you were strangers. And you cannot wait to be free. What happens for you inside when Dave pushes you into these types of situations?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Kate,

 

I thought of you all the while on my trip, not just in the shop!! I wrote the poems for you, I wanted to share it all with you. It made me happy to be sharing with you. Thank you for playing such a big part in my life lately. I really can't tell you......Laughing

 

It is incredible how you know how I feel. I'm glad you liked my pic, it does make me feel vulnerable being out there, but I hope it's just for you and me. I don't know what made me post it, but I'm glad I did, it's from this morning as I was writing by the pond.

 

I felt horrible, sick, anxious being in his sole company- it should have been a beautiful, peaceful, happy and relaxing walk, with all the dogs, who were having a lovely time. I felt cornered into going, he would have been very upset if I'd said I'd rather not. I wanted to keep him happy, both the children had said they didn't want to go, he was very cross with them, especially Poppy. I feel like there is so much that I do just to keep him happy. But bc I kept him happy he wants to hug me, says come back to me Rose. I had to come to my room at the earliest possible time this evening. But he made me say goodnight to him properly. I feel all tensed up inside, tears prickling, just writing about it, that I have to go through with hugs and being held close. I feel I have an immense aversion which I have to force myself to swallow. Thank you for understanding the unsettled feeling. It's like a weight in my chest, a lump in my throat, a pressure in my head, that disturbs my thinking, a prickling of my skin, an irritability.

 

I'm going to think up something to post on a new thread. It might just be For Kate, but I'll try and be a bit more imaginative!!

 

Til tomorrow

 

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, I'm sorry. That is a horrible thing to go through, feeling forced to be with Dave. Can I ask- what do you feel would happen if you said no? Are you fearful that he might hurt you physically? I know from what you have said before that he can be incredibly overwhelming and angry if he does not get his way. Is this what prevents you from refusing?

 

I understand very much your need to keep him happy. It is very common in abusive relationships to want to keep the peace. It feels good when they are happy and non threatening. You feel safer and more in control. But you also have an added issue. Dave starts to push himself on you and pretends you care about him. Or he may just not even see how you react. What do you feel it is?

 

I can't tell you how I enjoyed your trip! I felt I was almost there too from all the pictures you sent and your descriptions. Your poems were beautiful too. But best of all was seeing you so happy. I was grinning every time I read your posts.

 

You can start the new thread any way you wish. Because it has my name on it, the other experts will let it go. They may see what is on it, but they are also therapists so therefore they respect your privacy.

 

We could also go private if you want. The moderator could set it up for you and your questions would just go to my email only, not on the JA queue. But it is completely up to you.

 

I have a few appointments tomorrow, just to let you know. I didn't want you to feel I was ignoring you. I will write back as soon as I can.

 

Have a good night Rose. Sleep well

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I'm still here bc I'm having a subscription problem- last month my credit card had to be stopped bc of fraudulent use- some kind sole had been buying air tickets with it, I was very confused for a while and had to really examine my memory to make sure it wasn't me!! Anyway I forgot that my JA subs was with that card, so now I have no subs, hopefully only til later today. I'm waiting for a positive email from JA.

If I said No, he would make me feel very badly, accuse me of not trying to make things happier, being miserable, making him feel unwanted. I felt that bc he had been OK about me going away once I came back, I should at least try to do as he asked. It is unlikely that he would hurt me physically unless he had been drinking, and then there is every possibility, if I dare to cross him, and speak up for myself.

He doesn't get how I feel. I try to tell him, even so far as to say I need out. But he doesn't get it. He thinks if he hugs me, kisses me, it's going to make it all better. He said yesterday what I need is lots of hugs. Kate, I can't do it. Why can't I be hugged, it's just HIS hugs, I can't, they screw me up, bring on the tears thinking about it. And I feel so bad about it, that I can't hug, I'm just waiting for those familiar words from him ..cold...hard...... I almost feel more comfortable when he is being mean, threatening, abusive, then I don't feel obliged to be near him. I tried to go down the stairs on my way to bed last night with my hands full of things, but he blocked my way, took everything from me, and wanted hugs and kisses. I let him hold me, but my head was screaming.

I am very weary today, have so much to do but no oomph. I'm glad I'm not at work, wouldn't be good at making decisions! I went to the Drs surgery to pick up my px, and while there I asked to make an appt to see my GP for thurs. Don't really know why, just that this and that could do with sorting, pain especially. Anyway, no appts, I said never mind, I could do 'walk in clinic' if I need to, so she said there are appts at the other surgery on thurs if you like, then I got muddled and said no thanks. When I got to the car I sat and cried. I am muddled. I don't get me either.

Do you have a practice to see clients, or do they come to your home? You must always be working. (being assumptive here, sorry)

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I am so sorry to hear that you had your credit used like that! It is a hard thing to think that someone could be so cold hearted and hurt other people that way. I had my card stolen once and it bothered me for a while. I hope you don't owe any money because of it. Most credit companies, thankfully, are very fair about not charging people.

 

It sounds like Dave is making you responsible for how he feels. But he does this by minimizing how you feel so he can take what he needs. It is a very common abuse tactic and one that an abuser will use to make you and your needs inconsequential so they don't have to deal with them. Minimizing is a form of denial as well.

 

He is telling you that you need lots of hugs and kisses because that is what he wants. So he minimizes your feelings and puts his in their place. You don't need hugs and kisses, you need out. Out of your marriage and Dave out of your life. But if Dave feels he can bully you into complying, then he can ignore your needs and basically take what he wants from you.

 

By minimizing you, Dave taps into your low self esteem and uses that against you. He can then make you question reality, your own perception and your own feelings. This keeps you confused and unsure of yourself which also keeps you from leaving.

 

Dave's abuse can make you feel that you want to run. It is natural to want to get away from someone who is hurting you so deeply. Plus, you are not getting your needs met, you are just giving parts of yourself away to please him. It is all take and no return. That will drain you and take away your hope. This follows a pattern that you are used to from your childhood. You may feel that since you could not fight it then, you should not try to fight it now so you give in to keep the peace and to make everything stay "normal", behavior that you understand. You give away your rights in the relationship so Dave will get what he needs.

 

There is a sense of powerlessness and helplessness in an abusive relationship. Coming to understand the value of your feelings and perceptions is very important to counteract these feelings. It is the way to move away from Dave and the abuse and onward to healthy relationships. I think you do have a strength in you that will eventually help you out of this situation. Working towards recognizing it and using it to help yourself get out of your marriage is important.

 

It sounds like you felt defeated when you went to the doctors and tried to make the appointment. I suspect it is connected with the feeling of needing to give up and make yourself disappear like you need to do with Dave. What happens for you when you are faced with pushing your needs out there and wanting to be taken care of? What goes on internally, in your mind and with your feelings? What stops you from saying "I need this"?

 

My appointments today are not related to therapy, unfortunately. I have a doctor's appointment and I need to go to my son's school around lunch. I hope the doctor's appointment goes quickly (it usually does so I'm hopeful!). But I will enjoy seeing my son. He is in the second grade and still in that innocent stage. Kids are adorable when they are so young. They are cute too when they are older, but they don't like to cuddle so much then!

 

I'll talk with you soon, Rose. I hope your day gets better. I will be thinking of you!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I've been thinking of you too. I'm sorry I put you in a position that you needed to explain your appointments. I hope you are OK, and survived (I see you did as you are online!!) I bet your wee son was excited to see you at lunchtime- I'm picturing you getting a good dose of cuddles!- just what the doctor ordered! :)

The doctor didn't order my cuddles, but I got them all the same. Hey ho.

I'm doing 3 things at once, making bean soup, baking bread, TRYING to supervise the kids homeworks, and I've just remembered I need a shower, so I'll be back when all is done, and I'm put to bed!

Til later

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Sounds like you have your hands full! Bean soup and bread- yum!

 

Yes, I did get cuddles. My son is not old enough yet to push me away and say "Mom!" no hugging in front of my friends! Good thing too.

 

Hope the kids' homework goes smoothly.

 

I'll talk to you soon,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ah! Long may the cuddles last. I'm guessing he's 6 and your youngest? Do you have 2 girls or 2 boys?? Bringing back memories of my children's younger days........
Homework, bah! Poppy is a dream, Sam is a nightmare. Need I say more? But the soup is great- the best way to get veggies into Poppy, and I remembered the yeast for the bread, so it won't end up in the bin this time!!
We've had a truly hot mid-summer day today, awesome! I think that might be the end of our Indian Summer though, I'm glad it was during my vacation time. How lucky was I?

Oh, my credit card! Yes, such a shock. I had a horrible feeling of violation; I reported it immediately to the 'Fraud Squad!!' and had to sign various statements so they could pursue the offenders, but sadly I won't get to hear the outcome. They've probably left the country with those flight tickets! I had my card with me, it wasn't lost, they must have stolen my details from an internet purchase. I have been refunded, but they had to close my card and that's messed up several payments. For the best.

I can always rely on you to make such good sense; who'd have thought there was a strategy behind the hugs and kisses, it is just what I need to hear to help me understand. Especially the bit about reality, perception and confusion, that is exactly where I am and how I feel. My strength has definitely with the knock backs of the last few weeks, and I'm cross with myself for bringing it on before I was ready. Now the next time he will be waiting for me, and have something else prepared to beat me back. He is being creepily nice, discomforting, but at least there are no slanging matches at the moment. He's back home from his evening out, fairly sober as he drove, but the smell of cannabis is full on down the stairs.. Phewee

# XXXXX happens for you when you are faced with pushing your needs out there and wanting to be taken care of? What goes on internally, in your mind and with your feelings? What stops you from saying "I need this"? # XXXXX Dr thing is ridiculous. I have been saying to myself almost daily that I need to make an appointment to get things more under control. I grin and bear if I can, rather than seek attention. I don't say a word to my colleagues that I'm struggling, rather they didn't know. I know I need more care, but I find it so hard to ask for the things that I need to make my life more comfortable. I find it hard to believe that I deserve things that help me to feel better. I don't push for myself, I push with all my might for everyone else, but I don't matter enough to bother about. So when I plucked up the courage to ask for an appointment, and she told me there was one that was blocked, that she could unblock it for me, I wouldn't let her, said don't worry, I can 'walk in' if I need to. She said how about an appt at the other surgery (where the walk in is) I said no, no, I'm fine, left, and sat crying in the car. I know that I need that appt, and I was so close to making it; now I'll have to start again, work myself up again, tell myself that I deserve to have better care. But all I think about is me trying to get through an appointment, trying not to be too needy (I've been knocked back time after time trying to be cared for) It is doubt that stops me from pushing forwards, and the concern that I will be seen as a problem patient, attention seeking, nothing wrong with me, there are patients more deserving of the appointment than you. I couldn't have taken an appointment that had been unblocked just for me. I would feel guilty for needing it, it must have been blocked for a reason, maybe she wants a 10 min coffee break in the middle, what would she think of me if I'd taken that from her.

I must sleep now. Alexis tomorrow....

Til then

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

My son is my youngest and only boy. He is 8 (just turned 8 last month). Kids here in the U.S. start school at age 5 or 6 with Kindergarten then go on to 1st. grade, 2nd grade, etc until 12th grade, which they are usually 17 or 18 by then. Then they are off to college (or university), hopefully!

 

I have two older girls, ages 12 and 14 (like Poppy, right?). One is in middle school, 7th grade, and the other in high school, 9th grade. I do miss when they were younger. They grow so fast, don't they?! But I find each age has it's good and it's bad and all are fun. It's just a joy to see them grow.

 

I'm glad your credit card mess got sorted out. It is always a new level of stress dealing with something like that. And the thieves are getting smarter and smarter at finding ways to get at the information.

 

I am interested in the way you describe being knocked back by Dave and being upset with yourself for not being prepared. The blame and the responsibility appears to be on you. I am wondering about how you perceive Dave's responsibility in all of this?

 

When you tried to get the doctor's appointment, you were seeing the situation as you see yourself at work and at home, as the person who steps back and allows others' needs before her own. Who does not want to be a bother or burden. Who tends to others and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone else but herself.

 

This behavior and point of view worked well when you were growing up in a maladaptive family filled with dysfunctional behavior. You had to adapt to survive and work around the absence of love, affection and affirmation that you are ok for who you are. But this system you set up for yourself does not work in the world you live in now. So you become frustrated and upset (resulting in crying) when you try to use what you learned as a child in your life now. The doctor's receptionist did not come from your world as you learned it when you were a child. She was functioning with a different system. So when you tried to put yourself last and kept blocking her from fulfilling your needs, the conversation broke down and you ended up not only without an appointment, but frustrated and crying as a result.

 

So realizing that the behavior you learned as a child no longer works for you is important. Just as any other abused child grows up to respond to the world as she was taught to at home, you have stuck to what you were taught and keep trying to fit it into the world you live in, like fitting a square peg in a round hole. It does not work. So you end up sad, alone and frustrated. And you never get your needs met.

 

Making small changes like learning what is "normal" and what needs you should have had fulfilled as a child helps you grow and start to fill in the blanks. It shows you what should have been, if Rose had been allowed to grow up in a loving and affectionate home. Here is a book you may want to consider:

 

An Adult Child's Guide to What's 'Normal' by John C. Friel Ph.D. and Linda D. Friel M.A.

 

It describes what happens in a normal family and how it compares to what you ended up with. It guides you on dealing with dysfunction and how it affects adult children from abusive childhoods.

 

I hope you sleep well, Rose. Don't work too hard tomorrow!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

Thank you so much. Spot on Kate. I know you've seen it all before, but it feels like you have got inside my life and pinpointed this and that throughout. Amazing. More clever sense, it's coming together in my fuzzy head. Thanks for the book title, I'll check it out. :) I'm on lunch, Alexis has gone out with her dad to her mum's retirement party. I'll pick her up in a bit. I'm feeling very out of sorts and just wanted to talk to you. I've been thinking about the badger that I saw sadly lying at the edge of the road this morning, thinking I wished it was me, nobody noticing it was there, nobody missing it. maybe it was missed, but life just carries on anyway, and he might be scooped up and carted off, but people will be glad that he's no longer there to make them feel sorry or sad.

I'm seeing K tonight. I don't want to be sad, struggling. I want to say that little holiday did me the world of good, And now I'm ready to start fighting. But I don't feel like that one bit.

I'll be back later.

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I'm sorry. That wasn't a good post, I wanted to take it away, but I can't edit it.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, it was a good post. I am glad you did not take it away. It is an expression of how you feel right now. Feeling like you wish you were dead on the side of the road is telling you that you feel defeated and that dying seems like a good option. It also says that facing your issues makes you hurt badly. Who would not consider death an easier option? It is common to feel that way. (just please let me know if you start feeling worse)

 

Changing the way you view things is not easy. It is easier to keep the same pattern and not need to face your past and how you were taught to put your needs last. But in order to get what you need out of life, change is a good thing. It is hard now but eventually, you will find that you can feel as you did on vacation all the time. You can be free. You no longer need to find a place to hole up and hide in order to get some peace.

 

Hurting as you do is natural. You are starting to dig down in and look at the reasons behind why you feel the way you do and why you react to the world as you do. Understanding and accepting is most of the battle. Learning how to react differently will take some time. But each need you have met will feel good and keep your motivation going.

 

Allow yourself to feel sad but also accept that this is a process. And it sometimes is going to feel overwhelming and hard. But it will be easy sometimes too. Because things will click. You will gain understanding and insight and your reactions will start to make sense.

 

Let me ask this- how does the thought of change make you feel? Can you picture yourself without Dave and living a different life?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate,

I don't feel like I'm working very hard at the moment, that I'm letting myself slip, finding it too difficult to make the positive changes, letting things get on top of me. I feel like I want to dig through the mountain and find a cave, rather than go over the top.

When I think of the badger I put me in it's place, curled up under the hedge, people driving by, not really paying any attention, just another statistic. I feel that I want to slip away unnoticed, I don't want anyone to miss me, wonder where I am, why I've not come home. Where I go is a void, empty, dark, silent, not lonely, but alone. It may not sound too good, but it's where I'd like to be, I don't know for how long, maybe not forever, but until I can feel better.

I have trouble with that picture, it's been clearer than it is now. But, yes, I am without Dave in my future, if not, I can't bear to picture the future, I won't picture my future with Dave in it, HE WILL NOT BE IN MY FUTURE.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose, you are very determined! I can hear that in your words. Hang on to that, it will get you through.

 

It is understandable that you feel you want to go on the roadside and be unnoticed. To be noticed in your family as a child was not good. And it is the same now. To be noticed by Dave is to either get reamed out or affection you want nothing to do with and that makes you feel ill. Being noticed means you have to matter. And I believe you do not feel you matter.

 

It is also hiding. It is easier to hide. But making changes does not mean you need to get climbing gear and start over the top right now. It means that you take time to look at the mountain, decide how to climb it then get the support you need to climb it.

 

Right now, we are just looking at the mountain. You have already made some trial runs. You went away which is one big trial run. You have said no to Dave, another trial run. You have talked to Sam and Poppy about leaving, another run. And you did these things very well. You faced them and still went forward.

 

We can also take different paths and still make progress. One good way to scope your mountain is to take a look at your rights as a person and in a relationship. Or we can talk about a back up plan for when you do leave. We can also spend time on your childhood talking about how it relates to what you feel now about yourself. All of these are tools we can use to plan out your climb.

 

Do you feel setting a date would help? Some people work better with a deadline and others feel it is a hindrance.

 

This is also about your self esteem. You came back to Dave and he made sure you felt unsure about yourself again. He transferred all kinds of bad feelings to you. And your training from childhood opened you up to accepting it. This can change as well. When we work on your rights you can practice changing how you feel about what Dave does and how you can respond.

 

Things can change. It takes time but you will get there, Rose. I'm with you and I'll be here as long as you feel you need me.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok, thank you so much, lovely Kate.

I'll come back later, I hope, at least to say goodnight.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are welcome, Rose! I hope your session with K goes well.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

Talk tomorrow

Goodnight
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Good night Rose. Sleep well.

 

I'll talk with you tomorrow,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Kate,

I am feeling 'mindless' today!! K was concerned at my level of depression yesterday, but expected it to a certain extent. It was a stressful session.

I made an enormous effort this morning and made it to the surgery, sat in the waiting room for 20 mins, but didn't run out. I made it to her office. She said I looked tired and stressed, I was shaking and trying hard not to cry. She asked me how things were at home; I couldn't tell her, I said fine, but she knows they're not. I couldn't tell her in case I was wrong, in case I'm making it up, in case I'm mad, and just muddled. What would happen if I told her something that I'd made up, he might find out, then what would I do?
She has signed me off work for another week, and made me an appointment for next Thurs. She asked me if I wanted to see the psychiatrist again, I said no. She has raised the Mirtazapine again. I don't know if I want to take anymore.

I love the mountain metaphor, it is so fitting, and you use it so well! I feel a little uneasy setting a date for my climb, so I think near future would be good enough.

I think the childhood needs sorting. Rights, self esteem, thank you; we will be busy! please guide me. :)

I will start a new Q when I next see you online, bc it won't let me send when you are offline! (when I put it in the box below your profile pic) How can you tell if I'm on or off line? Or maybe you can't? Just wondered.

Til later

Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Rose!

 

I am sorry to hear that your session was tough. When your emotions are that high, it is sometimes a tough struggle to get through because of the intensity of your feelings. And sometimes you don't know that a session helped until later when the pieces come together.

 

Good for you! You went to the surgery and saw the doctor. That is great. I hope you feel happy for yourself because that is not easy to do. It is so common to experience anxiety and resistance when you have to see a doctor (As you know from my experience earlier in the week. I just didn't want to go!). This is one of those cases that you just have to allow yourself to experience the feelings that come with facing a doctor's appointment. I know of no one that skips and smiles on the way to the doctors!

 

My concern is how you feel you would make something up when the doctor asked you about your home life. Or that you are mad or muddled. I can see where you might get that, from Dave and your childhood. But there is a line that is crossed when you take it in and believe it. Can you tell me more about what makes you feel this way?

 

You can certainly not take your medication if you do not wish to. If you feel you are able to function without it, then that is fine. How do you usually feel without your medication? Also consider how you felt yesterday. Do you feel going off your medication would make days like that worse? If not, then it is certainly a good idea to consider either greatly reducing your meds or going off them completely.

 

I am glad you are ok with working on your childhood. I believe many of the thoughts and beliefs you have are deeply rooted in your childhood (which is common with everyone). We can work on examining them and changing your thoughts and feelings about them.

 

When you think about what you learned in your childhood about yourself and your environment, what comes to mind? What messages were you given? Also, what were the rules in your house?

 

I can tell when you are online, I think. I say that because the JA system gives false messages sometimes. Others have told me that they thought I wasn't on line when I really was, and vice versa. Very confusing. But I'm generally on during the early morning, late morning and early afternoon, and I also check in at night.

 

The JA system should allow you to start a new thread. You can always put it through as a "request" and I can get it that way. Just put my name in front like you usually do and I will try to be on when you send it. Just let me know a good time for you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

I failed on my mission to the Dr. I went bc I am finding it hard to tolerate the pain, esp abdominal pains, which I have had investigated before. She noticed it hurt me when I moved, so deduced it was musculo-skeletal. I am still no further forward there, and feeling defeated, waiting for something big to happen before I'm taken seriously. Maybe nothing big will ever happen, and it will just roll on as is. Anyway, enough of that.

I'm not brave enough to try without my meds. I don't take diazepam anymore, just Mirtazapine and Cymbalta, which is tx also for fibro. I'm just not sure about upping the Mirt. I'll wait and see.

I wouldn't make something up purposefully. What I think I mean is that now all is quiet at home, I feel that nothing is or has gone on, and that I shouldn't be feeling bad. I don't express myself well when I'm stressed (!) and couldn't trust myself to be accurate, not be unfair. I don't trust the way I perceive things, but I do feel I try to minimize things, but my worry is that I will accidently blow things up, which is not my way at all, and I certainly wouldn't say anything to get attention or pity, so I feel more comfortable not saying anything in case I get it wrong. I would feel enormous guilt that I had said things that were false, or falsely exaggerated, which might happen bc of my expressive problems, and I think this is why I have never felt 'safe' talking about things to my Dr, bc it could be a risk to my safety- I know things are confidential, but we all live in a community that Drs know patients outside of the surgery etc. I am having trouble trusting my thoughts and feelings, now he's not stirring us up, and that's why I don't know where I am at the moment, why I am muddled, and why he would tell me I am mad if he knew I'd been talking about things- he would take what I said and make me out to be mad. That is my fear, it's what I picture happening, and I am convincing myself that that is where I'm at. I'm not making it up am I? Sorry, I know you can't really answer that question, but I don't see why I should want to, do you?

I feel a lot better knowing I'm not working on Fri/Sat. I'm so glad she signed me off, I was getting very stressed about it.

I'll think childhood tomorrow.

The online/offline thing- I don't think it updates as you go on/off line at the time of doing so, it will only change to the correct status if you refresh the page you are on, or click out then in again!!

Nearly forgot about the new thread. I'll think something up now!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

With the doctor situation, any progress is good progress. You went, talked to her and did get some things addressed. That is a good step. There are many people who will not go to the doctor at all even if they need to. Seeing your situation as a glass half full (to borrow the saying) and you were somewhat successful is a different spin on saying that it is half empty, or that you failed.

 

In order for Dave to gain control over you and keep it, he must convince you that you are at fault for what happens and that you are mad. He uses intimidation (yelling and threatening) blaming (this is your fault for making me do this), and shaming (you are dumb, stupid or do not know what you are doing) in order to do it. He dominates so he can keep you feeling like you do. Questioning yourself is the result. If you cannot feel confidence in telling others what you are going through, then you are easier to control. And Dave does not have to face that he is the wrong one here, which would go against his view of himself and the narcissism he most likely suffers from.

 

The face that Dave is not doing anything right now does not mean he has changed or that he has stopped abusing you. Abusers can choose when and where they abuse. They stop when they choose to and continue whenever they feel the need. It is in their control.

 

Also, remember Dave did yell at you after you got back from vacation. You went to your parents home and he came to find you and yelled at you. That is abuse. He also coerced you into hugging him and kissing him. You did not want to but he pushed anyway. That is abuse. So he is abusing you.

 

You are not mad or crazy. What you feel and what you describe is very real. You would have to be the best actress in the world to make this stuff up or be showing signs of delusional behavior in order for this to be falsified. And to what end? You may convince me that there is abuse but so what? That does not change anything. Plus you are not trying to get attention (far from it), you are not gaining anything from this and you are not profiting. So there is no legitimate reason for you to make this up or inflate things. It is most likely your self confidence that makes you fear making a mistake when telling the doctor. If you choose to tell her sometime in the future, write down what you would want to say and we can go over it together. Though I understand that you live in a small place and don't want your personal business known, your doctor may be very trustworthy and just want to help. You will need to be the judge of that part.

 

Childhood tomorrow sounds fine.

 

Yes, I think you might be right about the online/offline thing. I did not think of that. I'll have to see if it happens next time I'm on.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Kate. I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say!! You've made me feel much better. And true.

Til tomorrow..

I've put the Q out, just to get it going, moving down the list!

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome, Rose. It is good to know that you feel better. It always makes me smile to hear that!

 

I will go off now and look for your question and post an answer so you know I got it.

 

Talk to you tomorrow!


Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,

 

Here are some pics of our home. It looks a bit odd without many windows, but we were severely6 restricted with making holes in ancient cob walls to make windows. We just about have enough light! The bedrooms are downstairs off the hall, and upstairs is open plan with a study space above the kitchen. Sam's bedroom is the wooden shed in the second picture (not the aviary!) Jack in the last picture is our old and deaf dog who is getting older daily (well obviously, but you know what I mean!)

 

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Hope you like

 

Rose

 

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I love your home! It is so cozy and warm. Jack is cute too! Sweet puppy. It's nice to know how you live. It's beautiful where you are.

 

Thanks for posting the pictures.

 

Kate

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