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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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I have been married for 12 years, I am in recovery sober 4

Customer Question

I have been married for 12 years, I am in recovery sober 4 years, never hit my wife or kids. Just drank alot and my wife threatend to leave. Well now she tries to control everything in my life and has gained 50 lbs. I have paid for liposuction, Lap band surgery, trainers and all kinds of health equipment. She also complains about our friends not inviting us over because I dont drink any more. She has been gon for 2 weeks on a trip with the kids and i really miss my kids but not her. I do try to be a spiritual person and love her unconditionally but my resentment to her voice and weight gain has damaged my desire for intimacy with her. She also doesnt seem to want sex unless she has been out drinking and then she comes home and has sex with me while she smells of booze. i guess i'm venting but i have been considering leaving if there were no kids i'd be gone.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

By working with others in recovery, her having sex when she has been drinking can be a huge trigger. That shows no respect for your recovery! Most wives would avoid just so their partners don't see it, smell it, or think about it. Being controlling is another very dangerous relationship problem. Control never brings about positive feelings or a healthy relationship. If you have not missed her that says something about your feelings. You should go to AlAnon or AA whichever will be helpful to you at this present time. It would give you support. This relationship seems to have a lot of problems including the fact that it may have become a negative force in your life. You have to consider what it is you want and it can't be based on children. Children survive broken homes all the time. I would say that you can both attend marriage counseling but you have to want to stay together. You shouldn't stay in any relationship out of obligation. You have to decide what is best for you and your sobriety


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

OK so i will seek a professional therapist and go from there. I have never thought about the sex thing as a trigger but she has been asking me just how long i plan to stay sober. It is sad she wanted to leave when i was drinking but as i have gotten healthier she seems to want more control. My sponsor is a baptist and really beats me up about the seperation question saying that is not spiritual or right.


But i do deserve to be happy right ? If i start drinking again it could go really bad. Thank you for your answer ill click the pay button after your response.


Best wishes

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Asking you how long you want to be sober is a huge red flag. Sometimes when people have partners who are drinking they have the upper hand. When the partner gets stable they try too hard to get the upper hand again. Don't let anyone especially a sponsor tell you what is spiritual. YOU make that decision and get a new sponsor. You absolutely deserve to be happy (especially since you have made a complete turn around). You deserve it more than a lot of people. Don't settle for what is easy. Don't drink. Instead find someone who deserves you sober! I think you are selling yourself short
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