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psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6887
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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The situation with my boyfriend, Brian, has become significantly

Customer Question

The situation with my boyfriend, Brian, has become significantly worst since our last correspondence.
However, since that time, I've become more aware of the specifics regarding his behavior, and am
now better able to describe them to you.

Just for your information; Brian is 46 and I am 53. I have been divorced for 23 years, and have a grown
daughter. Brian became a widower 2 years ago, and has no children. His wife had been ill for about 5 years
and he doesn't seem to have any lingering issues about her passing. In fact, he often says that I'm the one
that he's supposed to be with " on earth as well as in heaven." Also, Brian is an 8 year survivor of stage 4 colon
cancer. He still has lingering effects from the disease as well as the chemotherapy.

First of all , Brian talks incessantly!! He talks to the point of being rude. It was said that he doesn't talk
TO you, rather he talks AT you. We've had dinners with each set of parents, and each time...he does all
the talking. Absolutely no one can get a word in. I couldn't get to know his parents nor vice versa because
he talked nonstop! Once while Brian was away from the table, I laughingly said "Oh my, he just talks so much!",
and with equal amazement in his voice his Dad said "Yeah, and he's always been like that!!", and his Mom was
nodding in agreement. What's shocking to me is that I patiently listen attentively without interruption while he
talks for 15-20 minutes, or more, nonstop about something, and when I get an opportunity to comment on
the subject or add to the conversation... he begins to interrupt me after only a sentence or two! When I stop him
and say "let me finish please..." 3-5 times inside a 2 minute period he says "I get to talk too...."!!!! So, as you can
imagine, it's very difficult to actually converse with Brian because he does all the talking which brings us to one of
the primary problems...

Not only does Brian constantly interrupt me while I'm trying to make a point... he actually tries to finish my sentences
to be what he THINKS I'm going to say!! Worst yet, he has tendency to finish them in a very negative way, direct it at
himself (if at all possible) AND THEN BECOMES OFFENDED AND ANGRY AT ME for having said it!! Then he seems
to twist and turn everything I say when I try to correct the statement to be true to what I would have said if I were allowed
to finish my sentence or statement.. It quickly spirals out of control and he quickly starts to raise his voice, and says "If you
would just put your lips together for just one minute and let me finish what I was saying" (remember he had been doing all the
talking up to that point) and then becomes angrier and angrier, and nothing I say helps. Soon he starts shouting and
SCREAMING while jabbing his finger at me The same happens when he and I have the smallest conflict of opinion,
and usually over nothing important. He's seems very intolerant in differences of opinion. In addition, he constantly brings
back up settled disputes from the past and then becomes just as irate as before... and before it's over he's shouting about
it again. In fact, I'm still hearing about the 10 days that he did not get to see me around Valentine's day... because I had been
sick with the flu!!

I very recently realized that if he can not dictate or have full control of something, such as my wanting to have dinner with
his parents on Friday or Sunday rather than on Saturday as he'd planned, he becomes angry to the point of shouting
and hangs up the phone on me. We ended up not going at all!! The subject came up again, and when he realized that I was
not going to agree with him again he said "I don't think we should talk about this", and I said "OK". But he immediately
brought it back up and started talking about it anyway, and he became angry and began shouting and screaming AGAIN...
only that time he somehow made it out to be an ugly insult toward his parents and was demanding an apology from me for it!!
He's actually demanded a major apology for something 3 out of the past 4 weeks! The first couple of times I thought
'what the heck, give him the damn apology so we can get past this!', and so I apologized even though I knew I had not
said or done anything wrong... but I refused to give an apology the last time, and I pointed out that he'd demanded an
apology each week for the past 3 weeks. He has also become very quick to just hang up the phone on me when he's
angry, and I have always called him back, and sometimes as many 3-4 times in an effort to resolve a conflict. In fact,
I've always been the one to break the ice in disputes. However, I warned him about hanging up on me the last time we
had a disagreement and he began having another temper outburst. I told him that his getting angry and hanging up on
me again it would end our relationship. Before it was over, he had demanded another apology for somethin
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

There are several issues but one is clear - he is verbally abusive. You have to decide if you can have a healthy relationship with someone who does not respect you and always has to have the last word (and all before). He has not learned the courteous ways to handle a relationship or how to acknowledge someone with an opinion. He may become less tolerant of your feelings or the interactions may remain the same. Ask yourself if that is a relationship that you want. He sounds very over bearing. This usually doesn't end up with a mutually beneficial relationship. You have to accept some passive role to tolerate this relationship. He is not going to accept that you have to speak and resolve a situation. He has a bad temper and this doesn't change by itself. He would need some anger management but even then he would have to be motivated. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. You have some decisions to make. How bad do you want to be heard.

 

If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi, thanks for your quick reply and advise.

 

I can't tell from my screen if you received the entire letter that I wrote?

 

Having a science background, I'm very curious about his behavior. I'm especialy curious about his becoming angry over the way he finished my sentences! I've never known of or heard about anyone else ever doing this!! Have you see this before? Is this associated with any disorder?

 

As you know (if all of my letter came through), I'm wondering if he may Bipolar....

There has to be something wrong with him.... right?

 

He said that his father had a bad temper but denied having one himself.

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I got your information. It seems that he has a lot of grandiose behavior. This can lead to anger over simple things like interupting him or questioning him. He has many examples of this behavior including a need to dominate the room. People who have these grandiose thoughts can be oblivious to how they treat others. Their personalty is so overbearing that they treat others as inferior and feel their views are more valid. This is a form of a personality disorder. Personality disorders have very domineering personalities and think of themselves first. Bipolar people don't treat people disrespectfully. That is a mood disorder and has nothing to do with one's personality.

 

They never think that they have character flaws like a bad temper

r
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for answering,

 

I'd like to read about personality disorders; does this type of personality disorder have a specific name or type? And is there treatment for it.

 

Thank you again,

Pam

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
The official name isXXXXX Traditional therapy is the method of choice
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6887
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
psychlady and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

You have been very helpful!

Thanks again!

Pam

Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Best wishes

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Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.