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Penny Rayas, MFT
Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience:  I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
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My boyfriend is going through some sort of breakdown. He has

Customer Question

My boyfriend is going through some sort of breakdown. He has started seeing a therapist who specialises in NLP, however it has badly affected our relationship. He has moved back to his parents house and is struggling to deal with the emotions he is going through.
I want to help him and be there for him, but im not sure what is best for him right now.
He keeps talking about "letting me go" as he cant be a proper boyfriend to me at the moment but I think he needs me more than ever as he doesnt get much support or help from family and friends.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like your boyfriend is going through depression. It is normal when people start therapy to feel worst before they feel better. His therapist will teach him some coping skills. I wonder how you are coping with this. I also wonder if the two of you can see a couples therapist. All you can do is tell your boyfriend that you will be there for him when he needs you. If he wants to break up with you is nothing you can do to stop him. I think by trying to hard you may stress him out and push him away. I would say to him that you care that his emotional problems don't bother you and that you would like to be there for him. Sometimes people need some space to figure things out. I have a feeling if you give him some space he will figure this out. I understand you are his only support system but he needs to find a support group because you can't be his only support. Now I believe you need some support the support of your friends to cope with all this. Shift your focus and spend sometime with your friends

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thankyou so much for your answer, its heartbreaking to see him going through this but I dont want to stress him out any further by acting needy around him. I think he feels that "setting me free" is best for me as im a little bit in limbo at the moment with regards XXXXX XXXXX our relationship stands. We have a dog together, and all his stuff is still at my house. He has taken the bare minimum with him (just clothes, toiletries etc) so I dont feel that he really wants to call it a day just yet.

He has seen his therapist 2 or 3 times so far, how long do things usually take before he will start feeling better? He seems to be at rock bottom at the moment.

Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am not sure how long it will take for your boyfriend to feel better. It all depends on how depressed he is and how much trauma he working through. I am sorry you are in limbo that is not fair to you. I think the best thing to do is to do nothing at this time. Just have fun with your friends while still staying in touch with him without over-doing it. Just imagine this that you want to run away but someone is pulling you and preventing you from running away. How would you feel? That is how he is feeling right now. When we are faced with trauma we fight or flight your boyfriend is following the flight instinct. I feel that he will come back. You don't want to chase and create and push and pull pattern.

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Penny Rayas, MFT, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 394
Experience: I have 20 years experience in the mental health field
Penny Rayas, MFT and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hello again.
Things have got worse since I asked you my previous question. My boyfriend is still staying at his parents house, but has become a lot more self absorbed and even quite selfish at times (which I have to say is completely out of character - he is usually the most sensitive, caring person i have ever met). As I said, we have a dog together and at times I have needed help with him which my boyfriend has let me down with on more than one occasion.
Anyway, things came to head the other day (I was upset and I think I got a bit too needy) and he has decided he needs to go it alone. He has stated that he cant deal with thinking about anyone else but himself right now, and feels that the journey of getting well again is one he needs to take by himself.
I have accepted this, and know that I cant force him into staying with me.
My problem is this - all his stuff STILL remains at my house, and no discussion has taken place yet about when or if he is going to collect it. He also has a key to my house, and im just wondering whether a clean break is really what he wants.
He finished with me on Sunday and we havent seen or spoken yet. I told him I was here for him if and when he needs me, but ive left it like that and not contacted him at all.
Am I doing the right thing? Please help I dont know what to do for the best for him.
Expert:  Penny Rayas, MFT replied 3 years ago.
I am sorry about things getting worst. I think at this point you need to protect yourself from being hurt even more by your boyfriend. You are a very understanding person and you can see why he is doing this, due to his depression and inability to handle a relationship at this point. If you want a clean break for him you need to give him a date where he needs to pick up his things. I would say call him and say that he has a month and on this specific day he needs to pick things up. Your boyfriend has refused your help and helping him will stress him out. I think it is his job to get his emotions in order and treat you well. I also think he needs to know that he can't treat you like this even if he is in a lot of emotional pain.

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