Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
I understand that therapy has helped you, but this therapist has crossed the line with the therapist/client relationship. Therapists are held to an ethical standard and your therapist has ignored his responsibility to you and to his profession by making you his friend and manipulating you with how he treats you.
By crossing the line and allowing a friendship to start, your therapist as made the boundaries of your therapy blurred. He can no longer be objective and use his skills to help you like he should. On top of that, he is manipulating you, making the relationship confusing and emotional.
His job is to remain objective so he can help guide you through your issues to find the answers you need to help you feel better. By changing the boundaries of the relationship, he has taken that right away from you and used your therapeutic relationship to benefit himself. This does not allow you to get the help you should be getting and cheats you out of your recovery.
You need to end this relationship and find a new therapist. It may be hard to start over, but your current therapist is no longer objective enough to help you like he should. He also appears to have issues of his own that will interfere with your recover. Ask your doctor for a referral or try searching on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.
You may also want to report your therapist to the licensing board (which one depends on his degree). You can contact your local community mental health center, your local city or state government or the United Way for guidance on who to call. It is completely up to you whether or not you report him, but if you consider that he may be doing this to others and he is damaging the therapist/client trust, it would be a good idea to think about reporting him.
Let me know if I can help any further,
He should not be blaming you for crossing the boundary. It is every therapist's job to keep the boundary in therapy. It is not the client's responsibility.
Whenever a therapist has a client that wants a personal relationship, it is the therapist's job to explore why that is important to the client. It can signify unfulfilled needs or other issues that the client has that need worked on in therapy. It is not, under any circumstances, the therapist's job to answer a client's needs personally. That is unethical and goes against what therapist's are taught. He is wrong. This is not your fault in any way.
He should never say he loves you. That is also a breach of ethical standards. A therapist/client relationship should be one of concern, but never love or other personal emotions. You would feel uncomfortable if your doctor said he loved you, right? He is there is help you solve your medical problem and that is it. It is the same for a therapist. Just because he deals with emotional issues does not mean he should express any to you about himself. He should stay out of the therapy personally. It is about you, not him.
This therapist does not mean well. He is causing you harm, which goes against you and his profession. He is using you for his personal needs and could lose his license over this. I'm glad to hear you are considering moving on to another therapist. Be sure to let the new therapist know what happened to you so they can help you work through it.
No, it is not. He is no longer an effective therapist for you and whatever he says cannot be trusted.
You may want to cancel any appointments you have with him and find a new therapist right away. Also, end your other relationship with him. Continuing is only going to hurt you further and you may need more time in therapy to sort all your feelings out from the damage he has done.
By only charging you for one session and letting you have two, he is making you owe him so he can feel powerful and in control. As you tell me more about this relationship, I can see more and more dysfunction. It is not your therapist's job to prove you can be loved. It is his job to help you find love in your life with others who are appropriate in your life. That is all.
Moving on from this relationship is a great idea. It is very harmful for you.
he says he does it because he is a christian therapist and they are required to take care of some hours for free. his son is friends with my son and they are all great christians. this is what is confusing me. do yopu think he is just confused but trying to do the right thing?
No, he is not doing the right thing. He is crossing boundaries. The reason that therapists stay neutral is to help clients feel free to work on any issue. There should be a sounding board there, not a person who you know all about personally.
No matter if he is a Christian therapist or not, all therapists have the same guidelines for a reason. Do no harm to a client. He is doing harm to you by manipulating you, being your friend, and having his personal life intermixing with your life. There is a rule for therapists- you are not allowed to do therapy on family or friends. That is because it is too hard to separate the issues. Your therapist is not following those rules. And these rules are made very clear during a therapist's training and education. He is to guide you to the answers, not be the answer.
I understand that you are trying to reason out his behavior. Giving up this relationship is hard. It will be a loss, something no one wants to go through. But it is necessary if you do not want to be harmed further.
You're welcome! I am glad to help.
No, this is not your fault. Any neediness he recognizes in you should be dealt with in therapy as part of your issues. He is not there to make judgments about you like telling you that you are too needy. He is there to help you deal with any neediness and find better ways to cope.
You keep trying to take the blame for this situation. This is not your fault. Try to see it that way. Finding another therapist is essential to getting better for you. Staying with this therapist is going to slow down your recovery or stop it all together. Once you have another therapist and see how therapy is supposed to work, then you will have a clearer picture of how this situation is not your fault.
No, he is wrong. He is responsible for the therapeutic relationship. He should be trained to control the relationship so it benefits you and does not involve him. He is trying to blame you so he does not feel responsible for what he has done, which is very unethical.
Continuing a therapeutic relationship with him is impossible. It is no longer objective and therefore it will not help you. He has involved himself personally with you so he can no longer be an effective therapist. You need to move on.
You can most effectively leave the therapy by just not making another appointment. You have already talked to him about your feelings, he has rejected them and now it's time to move on. Make an appointment with another therapist and start over. It is hard, but at least you will be having real therapy and therefore have an opportunity to get better.
This situation is set up by your therapist so you feel responsible about this relationship. He has the upper hand and that is how he wants it. He is being manipulative and using you to put his bad feelings onto. Leaving this relationship is a very healthy move.
i knopw you are correct. he actually acts like he now hates me to some point even though he still says he loves me. he said that twice today. his answer was he didnt want to think about this all right now because he has alot going on.
I know i have an irritating personality. if i even try to explain my side of this he says i dont respect him and dont even let him talk.
I guess my main problem is i have gotten so close to him. i really like it when he holds me even though i know it isnt good for me. i had such an abusive childhood that sometimes i am willing to put up with his anger just to get the affection.
i guess i am in the same old situation. i want the affection but i have to put up with the bad part of him that hurts me. i know you said to just not make anymore appointments but i am on the schedule for 3 appointments a week through december.
how do i break off this need for the attention from him.
You do not have an irritating personality. If he told you that, that is wrong and it is harmful to you. He may find you irritating, but he does not have a healthy relationship with you so his opinion is skewed.
What you describe is a dependent personality disorder. It is quite common with someone who has been abused. You do not have your needs fulfilled by your caregivers so you grow up needing to find ways to fill the void you feel. You were not given the love and attention you needed and deserved. Your therapist has seen the need but has filled it in a dysfunction way. And you accept the mistreatment because that is how you were shown attention as a child. You did not know the love of someone who cared for you and was not self centered. When you begin to recognize the love and care you deserve, then you can begin to heal.
Recognizing that another therapist can help you in better and more healthier ways will help you move on from your current therapist. You need to take that risk and make an appointment with someone else. Cancel the appointments you have with your current therapist after you have your new therapist. That way, you do not feel alone. And you are always welcome to talk with me. I'm here for you.
Hello! It's good to hear from you.
This relationship is still wrong. And for many reasons:
1. He is saying he loves you- this is against the ethics of our profession. No therapist should be telling a person they are helping that they love them. It is crossing boundaries and making therapy confusing for the patient.
2. He is confusing you by doing two things- first gaining your trust by talking to you outside of the office, then taking that away by changing the rules to fit what he needs.
3. He should not be touching you in any way- a therapist may put a hand on someone's shoulder, but even then it's questionable. What he is doing by touching you is unethical and he could lose his license.
4. He is blaming you for the situation- he is telling you that you are to blame for "wanting things your way". This is not your fault, it is his. He is the professional and is responsible for keeping your relationship neutral.
5. He has created a dependent relationship with you- this has brought your relationship to the level of control that is equal to emotional abuse.
You may feel you love this man but he does not love you. Otherwise, he would care enough to refer you to someone else since he has compromised your therapeutic relationship. The best option for you is to get out of the relationship now. Find another therapist and start working on getting yourself away from this man. I know you have feelings for him, but they are not feelings that can lead to a normal relationship. Your relationship with him will always be painful and difficult because of what he has done. Leaving now from this dysfunctional relationship will put you on a better, and healthier road to recovery.
This does sound like emotional abuse. He is acting controlling, telling you that everything is your fault (very common with abusers) and making you feel safe then putting other things as priority over you. He is using you to make him feel special and admired.
He should not be doing any of this. What should have happened is he set boundaries in the beginning of the relationship and saw your needs as part of therapy, not something that he should answer to personally. It is his job to "fight" feelings such as attraction, not your job.
He is not "allowing" you to have access to him. That makes it sound like he is important and you are dispensable, which is another sign of emotional abuse (you are not as worthwhile as he is).
It is still advisable that you strongly consider getting out of this relationship. As you are describing this relationship, it is becoming more and more apparent that you are going to be deeply hurt in this situation, if not now, eventually. It would be ideal to get out now instead of waiting until it becomes worse.
is he right when he says he moved in that close because i insisted and he felt sorry for me? But now he thinks i depend on him too much so he is changing what he does to make me depend on other things? He will be changing his schedule again next semester and cutting out one of my appointments. he says i shpouls be greatful for what he has done and continues to do and not just want what i want.
I feel like he did give me all the love and affection i wanted and needed and now he is just walking away more and more each week. I am really afraid.
No, he isn't right. What he did was take advantage of you for himself. A therapist can have great compassion for someone they see, but creating dependency and a love relationship is not a therapeutic response. It is unethical and wrong to do that to you. He should have remained neutral and helped you cope with your feelings, which are called transference. It is very common for people to develop strong feelings for their therapists. And therapists are trained to use transference to help the people they work with get better. They are not to use it for their own advantage and let a person fall in love with them then manipulate them.
This man has created a mess. He has strung you along, controlled you then now is trying to remove himself from the situation. He is not concerned with you, only himself. He is playing with your feelings.
I understand you are afraid. This situation is designed by him to hurt you. That is why you need to move on to another therapist, while you still have some control over the situation. If you can move on now, it will help you feel more in control than if you let this go and let him decide when to end it.
Here is a link to help you learn more about abusive relationships. It refers more to marriage, but the symptoms and feelings are the same in your situation:
Here is another good article to describe what is wrong with how your therapist is treating you:
See if these two articles can help you decide to move on.
do you think he is actually trying to hurt me? i think he made a huge error in judgement and after 2 years of messing with me 24 hours a day, he would like me to either fit in his little box or go away. He feels like he has given me way more than he should or wanted to. he tells me he didnt really want to talk to me all that time but did it because he cared and i seemed to need it.
Now, even though the situation of what we counsel about is the same as then, he says he doesnt have that same time anymore and i need to take care of myself in between appointments. i cant seem to do that. i want something i used to have. he says i always focus on what he doesnt give me and not on what he does. that i get so much more than anyone else and dont appreciate it. he says he tried giving me what i wanted and i still bitched. now he might as well do what he want cause i would be mad either way. but this way he gets what he needs.
He says if i ever want to be a functioning part of any relationship i need to stop the dependancy. he says this is part of therapy, to teach me that someone can love and care about you but not always be there when you want them to be. Maybe I am too sick to accept that. Maybe he is right and I will always have relationship problems. Even though my friends and family seem to want more of me than i give them.
I just want to be done with the memories we are working on and move on with life but i think he may be trying to tell me i am not trying.
Yes, he is trying to hurt you. Otherwise he would not be doing this. He knows it's wrong. He is being deliberately mean. He is not there to teach you not to be dependent by allowing you to fall in love with him and then rejecting you. If that was a therapeutic method, we would all be in serious trouble.
The best option is to move on, now. Leave this relationship behind and go. Do not see him anymore and do not have any contact. See a new therapist, maybe this time a female so you can work on your feelings.
You will not have a nervous breakdown. You will just feel very upset and probably feel strong emotions for a while. That is why I recommend you see another therapist now. She can support you. You can also talk with me. I can be here for you.
Yes, he will do this to others. That is why it is a good idea to report him to the licensing board. That will not only give you some control but it also helps prevent him from doing this to someone else. You will be saving another person the same agony you are feeling now.
No matter how long it takes we can work on this. It should take a bit anyway. It didn't start overnight so it can't be solved overnight.
He should not have needed to cross the line to help you with your memory problems. Another therapist could have helped you without all of the baggage that this man created. That is the point of therapy, to help without causing more pain.
You are not sick for thinking the way you do about him. It is part of dependency to feel that way. You want to think the best of the person even if they did hurt you. That is very normal. But as therapist, I know this man is doing more harm than good. He is not helping you overcome your dependence, he is making it worse. And getting away from him is the best way to handle the problem.
Tell him that you have decided to move on. Keep what you say simple, direct and non emotional. The more you give him to take advantage of the worse it will be. He will look for a way to control you. If you show him emotion, he will use that to rope you back in. Say what you need to say and leave. Don't look back. Wait until you are alone to express your feelings. If it helps, pretend he is someone else and you are making your life better by saying goodbye. Or focus on something other than his face, such as a bookcase behind him or his shoulder. That sometimes helps people to focus.
He is using guilt to control you. He is blaming you for the time he spent with you, trying to place you in a position that makes you feel you owe him. It's another emotional abuse tactic.
If he did not need a friend, why is he treating you like one? Why is he encouraging you to develop a relationship with him? It is his responsibility to set the boundaries in the therapeutic relationship, not yours. Your needs should be dealt within the therapeutic boundaries, not according to his personal needs.
You did not cause this, he did. When he tries to blame you, I would either ignore it, or tell him that this is not your fault. Period. He is the therapist and this was his job to control. You would not hire a painter who then blamed you when the paint job streaked. It is the same with the therapist. You hire a therapist to help you within the bounds of their profession. Not to turn the tables on you and blame you when they lose control of the relationship.
Your therapy has turned into a dysfunctional romantic relationship. This is not healthy at all. At this point, calling this therapy is no longer applicable.
You need to back off from this relationship. Start reducing the number of times you talk with him. For example, if you call him 5 times a week, reduce it to four, then three until you don't call at all. This may trigger intense feelings for you because he has created dependency with you, but if you go slowly we can work on finding a way to handle how you feel.
Also, try making calls around to find a new therapist. You need to see someone face to face who can help you work through this. It will also help you work through your dependency if you have someone else you can contact who will not cross boundaries and develop a personal relationship with you. The ideal here is to address your dependency problems, not your relationship with this man.
Here is an article that describes co dependency. It will help you understand why you feel they way you do about this relationship:
In order to get out of this situation, learning more about why this has happened and how to fix it will go a long way in helping you.
Wow, this man is very manipulative. He is using your dependency to control you by telling you how he will run the relationship and using your own feelings against you. It is not ok for him to tell you that accepting how he treats you is part of therapy. At this point, he is no longer a therapist to you because he has turned this into a relationship. This man should not be practicing at all.
Just the act of getting out of this relationship is going to be therapeutic for you. It is healthy and very normal to run as fast as you can from this man. Although other therapists may have their flaws, most are not usually manipulative, harmful and mentally ill like this man.
There are ways to be sure you get a much healthier experience next time. Here is a link to help you:
Try reading it over and see if it helps you. I can also help with any questions you have about therapists and how therapy should progress.
No, he is not. He may be trying to remove himself from the relationship because it no longer works for him. This man can no longer have a therapeutic relationship with you because he is no longer acting objectively. The possibility of being your therapist went out the window when he crossed the boundary and made this personal.
hi Kate its me again,
Still trapped emotionally in this relationship. I want to know your opinion on something. In my meeting with him last night I told him I felt he was too critical of my personality and that it was difficult for me to work through the memories. I told him I felt like i needed more compassion and caring and less coldness about my personality to get through them. After i poured my heart out to him, he did the holding thing as we always do at the end but he was sort of cold. i asked what was wrong and he said he didnt know but what i had talked about didnt have the desired effect and he wasnt sure why. That i hadnt said anything wrong but for some reason it made him feel further away from me emotionally. what do you think his problem was?
Hi, it's good to hear from you.
His problem is that he is unable to separate his own emotional issues from his therapy with you. This man is not able to help you because he allows his issues to interfere and cross boundaries with you.
That is why you are unable to get what you need in therapy. This man is no longer doing therapy with you. He is now relating to you on a personal level. That renders therapy ineffective. You will not be able to get your issues addressed without his issues interfering. So therapy is no longer effective and he is no longer able to help you.
That is why I recommended you try finding someone else to help you. While you are with this man, you are basically at a stand still with your issues. He is only adding to your problems rather than helping you resolve them. You deserve better than being treated like he treats you.
I know that he seems irrated by everything I say. It is either that I am frustrating or dont look at the positive things about what he has done. the other day he told me i was the most frustrating person he knows because i have a problem with everything he does.
He always rationalizes what he says by saying he realizes these things are hard to take and are hurtful but sometimes thsat is what you need to change. is that true
He is manipulating you by telling you this is how therapy works. As an experienced therapist and from working for years with other experienced therapists, I can tell you that therapy is not supposed to work like he is telling you.
You do not have to be personally insulted or hurt by your therapist to get better in therapy. You are not supposed to be told you are irritating or frustrating. He should not be judging you as a person. It is not his place. His job is to be supportive and direct you to healthier behavior and feelings while remaining objective. This man is using his position to emotionally abuse you and make you feel unworthy of his attention. That is not therapy. That is a personal relationship that is abusive.
Changing in therapy does sometimes mean it's painful. But the painful part has to do with facing your past or dealing with difficult feelings such as depression or anxiety. Not being told you are irritating and frustrating.
You are not too needy. If being needy was a problem, then a normal therapist would address it. They would help you understand boundaries, set limits with therapy but also be supportive at the same time. That way, you would begin to learn about limits and also be able to address why you feel needy in a safe and secure environment.
Therapy is not about how much your therapist gives you and how much you own them in response. A therapist is there to help you learn why you feel you need a relationship like the one you have with this man. Why do you feel it is ok to be put down? What makes you feel that you need more? Issues like that would be addressed in a regular therapy session. Your therapist would help you see where the need came from and how you can address it in a healthy way. They would not make it personal by crossing boundaries and telling you that you are too needy. That is personal and is not therapeutic.
i guess i feel like he is allowed to put me down bechause i complain about him also. he says i bring up the sensitive things and problems. He the just tells me how he feels. He says he never stops loving me or loosing his compassion for me, but alot of times he does what he does out of obligation and not because he wants to. He says he promised he would see me this through and he does love me so he will be there even if he doesnt have the same passion he did when we began. It is my fault he doesnt feel that passion or enjoy the work because i am always complaining or asking for more. That pushes him away. Last night after he said me being emotionally open pushed him away he said he wasnt saying it was my fault. It was that the conversation about how sensitive i feel made him want to move away more. if i just didnt complain would it be better.
The times when we dont do memories and i just talk about him or sports, he seems to love me to death. we have talked about his life growing up and why he doesnt trust women. then he thought i was great. but if i go through any memory with him, then gret scared or paranoid. which i often do after a memory. then there is a huge fight.
Could he be right that no therapist would give mme the time and love and energy he has?
If he means that another therapist would not cross boundaries, tell you they love you and make you feel unworthy, then yes. But if he means time wise, probably not. This is because another therapist would respect boundaries and be there to help you get better. They would better use of your time and there would not be time spent on telling you that you are unworthy and that they love you. But real therapy is not this man's goal. His goal is to take advantage of you and make this a relationship, not therapy.
He says you need the friendship and he doesn't because he is manipulating you. He knows you need someone so he uses that against you. He also blames you for your needs and for the relationship he allowed to happen. This is a classic abuse response. You don't need his affirmation. You need it from someone who is healthy enough to know the difference between a real friend and someone who is using you.
maybe the reason he is angry at me all the time is because he wishes he hadnt let it go this far. now he cant go back either because he does care or because he is afraid i will report him. he seems angry that he crossed the line to help me and i still want more.
i want to ask a stupid question though. if he doesnt need me then what would he be using me for? it would be way easier just to get rid of me if he really doesnt love me wouldnt it.
That is no reason to be mad at you. This is his fault. And he should fear being reported. He is breaking a lot of ethical codes of conduct by what he is doing to you. If another therapist would witness his behavior, he knows he would be reported right away.
Actually, you're asking a very good question and it's quite insightful. Yes, it would be easier to just let the relationship go if he did not need you. That is why he doesn't. He needs you so he can feel superior and better than you. He can use you and control you. He is a manipulator, and manipulators cannot manipulate if they do not have a person to victimize. He is getting something out of the relationship. Otherwise, you are right, he would let you go. He is not telling the truth if he says he does not need you. He needs you. It's just not for good reasons. It's for selfish reasons.
At least I made a first step. i had an appointment today that i sent an email and cancelled. he texted and asked if i was sure and i replied yes. i offered no explanation. he sent back an ok with a sad face. i have more next week but i have to take one step at the time. i think when he told me he lost some of the passion for working with me after our session this week he really hurt my feelings. i was really honest about my needs int hat session. when he said it didnt get the desired result it really hurt me. he said he didnt want to say anything. his intention was just to hold me. but since i know him so well i knew there was a problem and asked him. he says i always push for an answer and when i get one that is not good, i get upset. if i just didnt push he wouldnt have to be honest with me. what sense does that make?
anyway, do i have the right to be hurt by that session even if i did push for a response he didnt want to give?
That is good news! I am glad you made the first step to getting out of this dysfunctional relationship.
Yes, you have every right to be hurt by what he did. He was playing games with you psychologically to keep you feeling unworthy and under his control.
When he says he has "lost passion" for working with you, that is basically telling you that he is no longer interested in you as a person. But what it really reflects is how far he will go to make you feel awful about yourself.
When you were honest with your feelings and he said it didn't get the desired result, it sounds like he was accusing you of trying to manipulate the session and get something out of him. When in reality, it is he who manipulates.
He is holding you during sessions? He should not even be touching you. By holding you, he could lose his license. Touching you is not his right. He is ethically bound to keep a physical distance between you.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting an answer, especially since he was the one who opened up the boundaries and allowed you access to him emotionally. He is treating you like a husband that says "I love you" but then withholds his love and makes his attention conditional.
It's good you canceled your appointment and gave no explanation. His response was interesting. He is trying to manipulate you with the sad face and draw you back in without being too obvious. He knows your buttons and he uses them to his advantage.
Actually, it isn't your fault. Since he is supposed to be the therapist, it is his job to set the boundaries. If a person asks for a hug in therapy, the therapist should explore why the person feels the need to have the therapist hug them. They should not just comply. Every therapist is taught ethics in school and it is also required through continuing education each year to have a certain number of ethics training hours. Ethics includes setting boundaries and what you are allowed and not allowed to do in therapy. Every therapist knows this, just as doctors understand their ethical boundaries. Our duty is to help, not harm. So he is well aware of the boundaries he is supposed to enforce. He is just not enforcing them. That is why this is a relationship and not therapy.
kate, can you please help me again? i have broken some appointments with the therapist and kept some. I guess i cant walk away yet. right now we are having an issue because i asked him to hold me at the start of our session instead of the end. It hurt my feelings when he said no. He said that he was way beyond his comfort zone and only did it at the end of the session for me. That it showed how much he cared that he went ovewr the line to do that and me getting mad cause he wouldnt do it at the first that day showed I didnt appreciate what he did.
It wasnt that. It was that i was really sad about something and i didnt think it mattered when he did it. it was the same thing. he said he didnt like doing it for several reasons but did it for me. It made me cry when he said that and he asked me why i was upset. I said because it sounded like something i heard growing up. He said that hurt him and made him angry. He said he tries to make me happy all the time but it never works. that he should be able to tell me his honest feelings in this relationship but then i cant handle them. But when i told him mine, he said i hurt him and made him mad.
I am so confused. If i say anything he says i just see the negative and not all the stuff he does for me. That if everything doesnt fit in my little comfort box, i get mad.
When he asked if i wanted him to hold me at the end of the session, i said no. He said that was ugly cause he was offering to go out of his comfort zone to make me happy. Do i just want tooo much? Do I really not appreciate him????
It doesn't matter if you appreciate him or not. He is playing games with you in order to control you and because of that, you will never be able to make him happy.
He is trying to make the rules here and is blaming you when you don't dance to his tune. He says hugging you in the beginning of the session when you want it is not ok and you are ungrateful if you want that, but hugging you at the end of the session when he wants it is ok and suddenly not unethical because he does it for you. What?! If that is not confusing, I'm not sure what is!
Blaming you for his lack of boundaries in therapy is a way to keep you under control. If what he said at one point reminded you of your past, then that is a warning sign that he is using your vulnerabilities against you.
This man sounds mentally ill and it would be good for you to get out of this relationship as soon as possible. It's good you are backing off. Keep going. Reduce your sessions as fast as you can. Start with a new therapist in the meanwhile who can help you wean off this destructive relationship with support and guidance. You do not deserve being treated this way.
i guess i keep thinking he really does love and care about me but has stupidly given too much and now wishes he hadnt. he says that i have a special place in his heart that few people have. that i never seem to be happy or grateful or acknowledge that. that the way he stepped over all boundaries proves that and i have no right to be angry when he says no.
The holding i am referring to is when i sit by him on the couch and lay on his chest and he puts his arm around me. it is very comforting and he does it at the end of sessions. but it is too much to ask to do it other times. or so he says.
do you think he means well and just went too far. that he really does love and care?
No he does not really love you. Love does not have conditions on it nor does it demand impossible things from someone. It is not confusing. Love doesn't cause someone to withhold affection or affirmation. And it does not control.
This man is using you to feed his needs. He plays games with your feelings and uses your deepest needs for his own gratification. That is why you feel so bad. If he truly loved you, you would not feel this way.
i know you are right but i just thought of him so differently. i know his family and he is suck a huge christian man. even head of the dept at the christian university.
He says he never would have done these things but I needed to feel closer to someone to trust them with memories. He says the holding and sitting near me holding hands is appropriate because of the reason he does it.
I just dont want to think of him that way. Maybe i make him do this by being demanding?
You cannot make someone do something they do not choose to do. That is a lie he wants you to believe. He chose to do this because he gets something out of it.
No matter if he is a dept. head at a Christian University or just a normal therapist, he is capable of hurting others. People tend to want to trust others in higher positions, but that does not make them safe. Just look at the Penn State situation.
You are not too demanding. I have been talking with you for at least a few months now and I do not find you demanding at all. I see vulnerability and someone in search of answers. That is all.
This is not your fault. It is his. The answers lie with his behavior, not yours.
This man needs you because you fulfill a need for a dysfuntional relationship. People who are ill mentally need to use others in dysfunctional ways so they can feed the need they have for that kind of relationship. This man is probably ill and learned that using others in the way he uses you is normal. But it is not. It is dysfunctional.
You also learned to be emotional dependent because at some point in your life, you did not get your needs met. When you started seeing this man, he learned of your vulnerability and took advantage because he has unfulfilled needs as well. He keeps taking advantage and using his position to hurt you because he gets his needs fulfilled by doing so. He likes control and manipulation. You want to move on, but you find yourself caught in the dysfunctional way he treats you because you are used to being treated that way from your past.
Moving away is hard. But growth always is. You are trying to become healthy emotionally and move beyond dysfunctional relationships. This man is not. By questioning the relationship, you have the insight to know it is wrong. He does not. Keep moving away by seeing him less and less. And continue to look for a new therapist. The new therapist can help you disengage yourself from this destructive relationship and move you more towards emotional independence.
do you really think he is mentally ill? couldnt it just be that he wanted to help me so badly that he got that close cause he knew i wouldnt open up if he didnt? or maybe he just cared that much? how do i tell the difference? and how can you tell from just hearing my side? not that i dont believe you but i just wonder
Not in the sense that he has something like Bipolar or Schizophrenia, but from what you have told me, he may have a personality disorder.
Therapists, for the most part, want to help people. There a few who are in it for bad reasons but most want to help. They want to make people better. In order to do that, they need to be well trained and follow their professions guidelines. If you are being helped as a client, you may have times you feel drained, upset or experience an increase in your symptoms. But that should not be from what your therapist is doing to you. It should be because therapy is a process of working through emotions, some of them painful and difficult. Your therapist is only there to guide you. You do the work and they use their training and knowledge to help you.
From your description however, this man is doing wrong by you. He is touching you (definitely against ethical standards), he is manipulating you, and he is putting his needs into the relationship. He is using his position to dominate and manipulate. I can tell because of what you have told me and because my experience and education. Most of what he is doing goes against my professions ethicial stanards. I know what therapy is supposed to be like since I have been a therapist for many years. I also have peers in the field and mentors. Our profession is held to a high ethical standard because of the harm we could do. That is also why we are licensed and required to have consistant continuing education.
You opened up with me. I didn't need to manipulate you, touch you or try to blame you for anything. Neither should he. If thousands of other therapists can help people without laying a hand on them and by keeping their own personal feelings out of therapy, so could he. If he cannot do therapy without touching or manipulation, then he should not be in the profession. He is doing more harm that good. He does not need to be close to you or want to help you so badly he needs to touch you or tell you he loves you. No other therapist I know would ever do such things. Nor would anyone else in any other profession.
You would not be feeling this way if your therapy was the way it's supposed to be. There would not be confusion, doubt or questions. You would be focused on how you feel not on what he is doing. Therapy is supposed to be about you, not your therapist or a relationship with your therapist. And that is what your therapy has become, a relationship and a harmful one at that.