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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1761
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Hi, My girlfriend and i are having a few problems. We have

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Hi,

My girlfriend and i are having a few problems. We have been together for a year now and have been through alot in this time. Recently she moved to a small townXXXXXaway for work. When she first moved it seemed she would spend alot of time with male friends and work companions, and even when i am there she would flirt and be overly playful with them which made me uncomfortable. This happened for a while and although we talked about it and she realised how she was making me feel last friday i got drunk and kissed a girl. I realise that on a few counts that this is just dumb, but im also trying to figure out why i would do it, and how i can reconcile with my girlfriend. I admitted to her what had happened because 1) i felt unbelievably guilty and 2) she deserves to know and 3) for us to work through this and be strong i know this cant be in a relationship. I have never thought of doing this before to her and i can only assume its because i felt so rejected and frustrated from her treatment of me. She is actively working on how to respect my wishes and i want to do the same to her. Is there anything that i need to face, admit to be better to her? I know i was stupidly idiotic and should have dealt with my issues in a more productive way but can you see any underlying issues that should also be addressed?

Thanks,

James

Dr.Keane :

I can help you today.

Customer:

Hi, sounds great.

Dr.Keane :

First of all, stop beating yourself up, alcohol causes people to do stupid things. The good news is that you told her the truth and now you have to sort through "why" (maybe there was no other reason than you were drunk??). You may feel threatened by her behavior but it sounds as though you talked through that issue.

Customer:

thanks and true, we have talked through that issue, im worried though what to do next, she obviously doesnt like the position she is in

Dr.Keane :

Relationships are based on trust and honesty and you seem to get that. Good communication is a skill that can always be improved. If you don't talk things through, they never get resolved and resentment builds up. Have you apologized for your behavior

Customer:

yes, of course

Customer:

i feel horrible

Dr.Keane :

Don't worry about what to do next, you need to now rebuild the trust that she may have lost, so how do you do that?

Dr.Keane :

By your actions. If you have gotten through bad times before you will get through this, if you make too much out of it due to your guilt it will grow to be a bigger issue than it is. You got drunk and kissed a girl, not a major sin.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX i build that trust back?

Dr.Keane :

You have guilt (which I always say is a useless emotion), you are a human being and we make mistakes, all of us.

Dr.Keane :

By your actions, you attention and let this incident go. You have apologized and that is most important. If she keeps bringing it up, validate that you know you made a drunken mistake and you won't let it happen again.

Dr.Keane :

You sound pretty remorseful here so she has to "trust" that you are serious and don't go out and get drunk and kiss any more girls!

Dr.Keane :

If you need more than I would suggest some couples counseling, especially if this is a serious relationship, that would show her how sincere you are about the situation as well as help you with any communication issues

Customer:

i understand :) but i think the reason i did it so as to get back at her for making me feel so rejected before, and if this is the case do i need to let that go, i know two wrongs dont make a right but can if we accept we both have done wrong, forgive each other for that and try to build our relationship again, i can appreciate if what i have done is more serious and need to address

Dr.Keane :

You may be over thinking the situation due to how you feel. I guarantee you can let this pass, you have talked about it, you have said you are sorry so now you move on together. You recognize that you may have allowed this to happen due to her flirting (a way to say, I can do it too). That is immature but it's also human nature.

Dr.Keane :

bingo..You are right, you both accept that you have done things that hurt each other. Forgiveness is huge (and women tend to forgive but not forget) and you are on the right track. You sound smart enough to know so have that conversation with her, make a verbal commitment to each other and you'll be back on track with your relationship.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX her that i would come on here to try and sort this out, apart from building her trust and having an honest open talk to her is anything else short term i could do to help her with the hurt?

Dr.Keane :

If you need something more "visual" and concrete, both of you sit down and write each other a letter (I know, you all text ) but trust me, putting something on paper has it 's charm. Make it short and sweet. You can both apologize and state what you want your relationship to be in the future, also state that you will always be honest with each other, no matter how hard it might be at times. Read them together and then burn them . It's symbolic but it has a punch.

Customer:

nice, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX that

Dr.Keane :

light a candle and open a bottle of wine !!! hope this helps, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders (well unless you are drunk) you will get passed this. Thanks for letting me help you today and please accept so I get credit for my response and feel to leave feedback and any other comments.

Dr.Keane :

need more help ask for me.

Customer:

i will and thanks again, it has helped.

Dr.Keane :

great!

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