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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1760
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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how do you know for sure if you are being abused, or if your

Resolved Question:

how do you know for sure if you are being abused, or if your the one who is in the wrong, and making your parnter get upset without realising it.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 5 years ago.
Hi, I can help you if you tell me more about the situation. Basically if you are being abused the abuser will make you believe it's your fault so there is your first red flag. Tell me more specifics and I can be of more help than a genXXXXX XXXXXst of signs.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well basicly, i said something to him 3 and a half weeks ago that he didnt like, and he went crazy, screaming and swearing at me, and since then he wont speak to me and he told me not to ask for any money. I have 3 children with this man, doesnt he realise he's punishing the kids, just as much as me. And he said its my fault cos im always trying to control him. And for the record we were all in the car together and he was listening to a depressing song, and i sugested we put something more cheery on, and thats when he switched on me.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information it is helpful. You asked him to change the music and he went off and withheld money and is punishing you by giving you the silent treatment, that is abuse You asked him to change the music, that is not a controlling behavior. If you just reached over and changed the station or cd and insisted that no one else touch it or you wouldn't talk to them or give them dinner what do you think that would be?Same thing, abuse. Threats, withholding necessary money, people who abuse will often try to make the person being abused feel like it is their fault, that is how they keep them under control. So to simply answer your question, from the situation with the music, you ARE being abused. You were not to blame and he knows exactly what he is doing so don't fall into that belief (that he doesn't realize what he is doing). Manipulation, threats, control all the tools of an abuser.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
ok so wot do i do, we have been married for 15 years in which he has hit me spat at me, swore at me, then acts as tho he hasnt done anything wrong and makes me feel guilty that its my fault. i left him for a year with my children, and in that year he was crying and begging me to go back with the children and that everything would b good. and like a fool i went back. And everything has started again. i have no get up and go left in me, theres times when i wish i was dead. i have nowhere to go, and cant afaord to go... he tels me im ungrateful after everything he has done for me. and for i while i was beggining to belive him... i cant do write from doing wrong.. ......:(
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 5 years ago.
You need to protect yourself and your children. If you left once you can muster up the strength to do it again. You bought into his tears and begging, he will do it again. If you have any women's shelters or abuse hotlines call them and at least get some counseling until you are strong enough to put a plan into action. Just don't give up on yourself or your kids. You feel hopeless being in this situation, that is why you have no get up and go left. You've been "beaten" down emotionally. You know now that it isn't you so make a plan, gain your strength and do what you need to do first to be safe and then to live in peace.

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