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Dear Doctor, I am very happy found this online advice website. I can shortly introduce myself and i apologise for my limited english knowledge. You can call me Lisa. I am 33 years old and living in Singapore together with my partner since 2009.My partner is medical doctor(PHD) who is 58 years old. Since we are living together we had several argiuments regularly. I am Asian person,he has Europian culture and both are strictly honest with their traditional way of living. In the beginning we had very difficult comminications including the fights.I have got many stressful moments very often with because of his bad habits ,rude and with his untrustworthy issues. He is the person who never accept his fault ,because he likes depend himself as well, by saying ''no''. But in our culture we never trust people who is not keeping their promise. Even when we have arguiment then he imediately let other people know. It's really not nice for me and it drives me crazy. Disapointing thing was he was not stable at all. Every discussion we had then he was distrebuting it to other people. I think he should decide his own problems independently from other people.But he prefer to have conversation together with somebody else. My english is limited,he can explain things much better then people often follows him.He is very good at conveince people.I hate his bad habits in a public or his dishonest attitudes to other people.
He thinks i always had bad idea about him.Unfortunately he shows many things front of my eyes.The question is why i should bring stress for myself and worry about him if he was not important for me.(it'll continue)
Hi Lisa, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like your boyfriend is not respecting you as a person. Anyone who would take your personal arguments as a couple and tell others about them is not seeing you as important and deserving of respect. He is also not keeping your confidence. Telling others about your personal feelings or issues with him also takes away your ability to trust him. How can you know that next time you feel something and tell him that he is not going to tell someone else? That is not a good way to have a relationship.
Your boyfriend is also using your difficulty with English to manipulate others to see things his way. He should be helping you, not using it against you.
If he is also deceiving others, does not see he has faults and manipulates, then he may be abusive. He could also be narcissistic, where he is only concerned for himself and not others. In either case, this is not a healthy relationship to be in for you.
Since he does not see any problems with how he behaves, you will not be able to change him. But you can help yourself. Learn what you can about abusers and narcissistic personalities. That will help you to know what you are dealing with and if there are any ways to work on your relationship. I will give you some resources. They will be in English but you may be able to find the versions in your language through Amazon.com, at least with the books:
Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving With the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary
The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft
The Bully in Your Relationship: Stand Up to Emotional Abuse and Get the Love You Deserve by Anne-Renee Testa
Try Amazon.com for these books. You can also try your local library, if you have one.
Also, you may want to consider counseling. Talking to a therapist can help you understand what you are dealing with and how to respond to your boyfriend. You also could use the support to help you cope.
Let me know if you have any more questions. I will be glad to help further.