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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my 11 year old touched a 4 year old with his penis

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my 11 year old touched a 4 year old with his penis he asked his cousins a year ago to touch his and theirs and that it felt good today he asked his 4 year old nephew to pull his pants down so he could touch his penis on his bottom.  he is such a good son has too many friends to mention a good student and great athlete when asked why he says he doesnt know why and that it is wrong.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear concerned mother,

Mutual touching games such as "doctor" or "house" is not unusual for children up to about 7 years of age. Considering the large age discrepancy between your 11 year old and the four year old, then your son is taking advantage of his position (power and age), and thus it moves from being the unacceptable but normal behavior, to the unacceptable.

This does not mean that your son is a bad boy or has a terrible problem, even if he has done something inappropriate and previously prohibited. He may be acting out things he has heard from his peers. Unfortunately, pre-teens are very precocious, sexually. Scholarly studies have learned that, in lower income areas (where the studies were made), the AVERAGE age for first intercourse (not mere touching) is about 12 1/2 years old for boys and about 13 years for girls.

Children are exposed to so much sexual implicit (rather than explicit) material on TV, plus some kids have pornography in their homes, and they view it with their cohorts. Sex and sexual activity is a daily topic of conversation and interest among kids his age, nowadays. This doesn't make it right or acceptable. Rather, it points out that we have a terrible problem to deal with.

Was the other childr traumatized or very upset by this incident? If s(he) resisted, then the infraction was worse than if (s)he was a willing accomplice. If it was all your son's idea and other child was not expecting this, then the behavior was more devious.

Television is probably a bad influence on your son (and on everyone else, for that matter, in my professional opinion. Severely limited access to TV is an appropriate penalty for this offense.

Be aware that your son did not learn this behavior from an another child, a baby sitter, or some other person. Talk with him about his behavior and emphasize how inappropriate this behavior is. Talk to him calmly because you don't want to traumatize him. Let him know that this behavior is appropriate, but don't lead him to become ashamed of his body, or of sexuality. Don't fill him with guilt tht he is bad, for this could destroy his self-esteem.

Let hims know what the rules are. It won't hurt to repeat the rules, but be don't treat him like he is a criminal. He is just a sexually curious pre-teen who has stepped over the line.

I do no think he needs counseling at this point, just continued firm but loving parental guidance.

To help you, I recommend that you get one or two or all three of these books, available from Amazon or elsewhere on line:

Talking toYour Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality by Mark R. Laaser


AND

Let's Talk About S-E-X: A Guide for Kids 9 to 12 and Their Parents by Sam Gitchel and Lorri Foster

AND For kids from 8 to 19 (a book that will be usefor for the nex 8 years)

How to Talk to Your Child About Sex: It's Best to Start Early, but It's Never Too Late -- A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents by Linda Eyre and Richard Eyre

You should be able to put an end to this with good parental guidance. Obviously, you are alert and aware and can handle this yourself, in my estimatio. If he he gets out of line again, then perhaps you can get him some counseling.

Best wishes for success. I believe that things will work out fine.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i am sitting hear crying my eyes out thinking my son is a terible person and will become a sexual deviant. the little boy was not forced but told his parents who are my husbands son and wife, thats a hard one. so he will be fine even though this is so hard to deal with? it was my sons idea but the odd thing is my son didnt say "dont tell", i am very confused with this. he said he didnt know why he did this and that he wasnt thinking things through all the way.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

Take a deep breath, and let your tears subside. Everything will be fine.

Your son will not become a sexual deviant. The fact that he didn't even say "don't tell" shows clearly that he didn't realiize that he was doing something wrong. Eleven year old boys do things like this, unthinkingly. He has a child's mind, and not an adult's.

There was no malice in what he did. Nothing was underhanded or hidden or sneaky. It was just a silly childish thing without malice of forthought. This shows that he is a good boy, and after this incident I am certain that he has learned his lesson - learned that this is totally unacceptable. He will not forget.

You are a good mother and love your son. Let him learn his lesson and love him unconditionally, as a mother should. He surely won't do this again.

Put this behind you and don't fall into a state of worry or despair. This is NOT the way a problem child acts. He is NOT a sociopath, just a normal boy who acted without seeing things through.

God bless your family,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
thank you so much, still crying though! he is very sorry and has been crying some also, he feels he is bad, we will work on this. you have made this mother of one, who is my life, feel much better. i am not one to yell so that was not done but we have grounded him from the computer, I did find out he has been listening to friends his age telling him to look at different websites, pornographic. This is also something good that has ocme out of this.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
I am so glad to hear that you have come to a resolution. Your son actually sounds like a great kid - honest and trusting of you. I am glad that he has come clean and that you have nipped this in the bud. Pornography is terrible for ALL ages.

Take another deep breath or two, and end your tears. Rejoice because things will be fine.

Moments like these are very rewarding for me. Thank you for sharing this.

(Also please don't forget to ACCEPT by answer so that I can be compensated by JustAnswer - I do this for the gratification, AND for a living).

Thank you so much,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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