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Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have an obsession over a girl I have been dating for 2 months

Customer Question

I have an obsession over a girl I have been dating for 2 months ago. She is constantly on my mind and it is effecting my overall health and job performance. She is very busy so I can't spend much time with her. That is part of the problem. I just can't get enough of her. I don't want to go on anti-anxiety because that will effect sexual performance which is also an issue.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you have strong feelings for this woman. It is common to feel strongly about a new love. They are on your mind all the time, sleep is difficult and appetite goes down. Weight loss is common. You feel infatuated. This feeling usually lasts the first few months at least until the relationship has more time to develop.

 

What you don't want to have happen is you become unnaturally obsessed with her. Obsession is a fine line from infatuation but you know you have crossed it when your work suffers, you cannot accomplish tasks, you send her unwanted gifts, you are jealous and try to restrict her freedom. You take time to find out where she is through seeking her out or calling her all day.

 

If you feel obsessed, then it could be an indication that you have a problem. When you cross boundaries and cannot step back, then seeking help is important. You do not want to ruin your relationship over this. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

If you think this is not an obsession, then you may want to look at why this woman is important to you. Does she fulfill a need that you have? Do you feel something is missing you in life? When you find out what you feel this woman fulfills for you, then you can begin to work on fixing the problem. You may need to talk to someone to get input on this. It is often hard to see our own issues without help.

 

Once you can pinpoint the answer, you should be able to resolve this quickly.

 

Let me know if I can help any further,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
It's a cross between infatuation and obsession. My weight is down, work suffers a bit, shes on my mind all the time. I give her a gift before every date. We text everyday and talk every other or so. When younger I would be jealous and restrict freedom, I do not do that now because I fight the feeling, it ruined prior relationships. I do seek out [thru my cousin who is her friend] what she thinks about me. I'm always questioning the current status. I rarley had a long term GF in my life. She fufills my need to finally have a partner. She is separated with 4 kids and her work schedule is opposite mine. She is younger than me, attractive, a kind caring person [Nurse] funny, and enjoys my kindness, affection, and intimate relations. I cannot portray myself as weak or having a problem, that would turn her off.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I understand.

 

It sounds like you are doing a good job in trying to address the problem so it does not turn into an obsession. But since you have experienced this problem before in other relationships, then therapy might be a good option for you. Getting to the root of this issue is important so you can keep this relationship going. Otherwise, this will continue to be a battle for you.

 

There is nothing wrong with therapy and it concerns me that you feel your girlfriend would have an issue with you appearing weak. It is actually a sign of strength to seek treatment. You would not hesitate to see a doctor for an illness, why would this be anything different? If you think of it that way, it may help. Also, therapy can help you be stronger and have a healthier relationship something both of you want.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Her friend is a therapists who she has seen, so I'm not too concerned about that. As long as she doesn't find out she is the reason. I may consider seeing her friend because of cost and accessibility. I must not be a whiney whimp to her, that she will perceive as weak. I want to be secure that she won't leave me, and my goal is to have her love me. There are a lot of positives in the friendship, some are she lives two miles away, our kids play on the same sport teams in high school. We share some of the same anxeities so I can emphasize with her. She really enjoys see sexually because despite my age, I have a nice body. We both have been deprived of physical love in our lives.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It may be a good idea to see someone she does not know so you can discuss this problem fully without holding back. Her friend should not see you anyway due to a conflict of interest (therapists are not supposed to see family or friends in therapy). Try your local community mental health center if you are concerned about cost. They can see you on a sliding fee scale.

 

Kate

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