Thank you for telling me, Rita. I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. That is a very traumatic childhood. There was a lot of very dysfunctional behavior in your family. When you consider that kidnapping is a crime worth jail time, that is pretty serious.
Being told you were not wanted and being blamed for the dysfunction in the family was an extreme burden to put on a young child. The only thing you could do was submit, because your other options were not there. Being told that you were bad and being threatened with a convent would scare any child into submitting.
Withholding love, attention and care is emotional cruelty. Children crave these things and it actually helps them thrive. It is amazing that you had such strength and you did so well to survive. Plus you found God and have a wonderful relationship with Him.
Given what you went through as a child, I am not surprised you had Agoraphobia. I would be surprised if you did not suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome either. It is very common for children with abusive backgrounds to suffer from PTSD and anxiety related disorders.
I wanted to recommend a great book to you. It is called Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer. I found it early on in my career and it was a great help in describing how being abused as a child affects how you see things as an adult.
What I think your doctor was talking about is Major Depression, Melancholic Type. One of the criteria is morning worsening of mood. Other symptoms include distinct quality of mood (more than normal sadness), waking up early in the morning, loss of interest in sex, and psycho motor retardation or excitement. If you would have this disorder, it is known to be biochemical and therefore treatable with medication. SSRI's are very effective in treatment. Mention it to your doctor and see what he says.
If you want to talk about your childhood more, I am here for you.
Thanks Kate, I'll download that book on my Kindle to read when I'm in a better frame of mind. Know what I mean?
I don't know what the heck is wrong. Instead of feeling better as the day goes on, I feel worse. I feel both sedated and anxious. How can that be? I feel like going to bed and having a good cry. The only thing different I did today was take a Clariton pill for my allergies, which I haven't taken since I went off all other meds except the ones doc and I decided to weeks ago. Surely that couldn't affect me,could it? I feel like I could jump out of my skin, I'm so antsy.
I'd go out but for one, my stenosis has been bad this week and two, the temperature is still over 100 at 6:30. I can understand my stenosis because of the humidity and barometic pressure being so high but I'm in an air conditioned house.
Do you think this has anything to do with my thyroid changing? When I read the symptoms I have more of the hyper than the hypo.
I feel so discouraged today, Kate. Is this normal to feel this way, going through what I am? I think I need some reassurance that this is not normal and I am going to feel differently soon. I've felt crappy for so long it's almost normal for me to feel this way and I get to think it's never going to change, just like the stupid weather outside.
What is wrong with me? I've lost all my acceptance and hope. Please help me. How I wish we were telephone friends who could talk....
I think you are dealing with depression and anxiety. It is very normal to feel antsy and sedated at the same time. With the medication mixed in, you are probably feel pretty bad. Your thyroid may be part of it, but there is no way to tell how much it is affecting you. It's a good question for your doctor to answer for you.
What you need to keep in mind is that you are ok. You are thinking about this a lot and that is going to make you feel the way you do. It magnifies your symptoms and makes your total focus on yourself, making your symptoms feel stronger than they are.
What can help is remembering you are ok and that this will pass. You were just talking about your childhood too which will bring up a lot of unresolved feelings. This will add to your anxiety. Symptoms of anxiety often make people feel odd and like they are going crazy. It is only a symptom. You are completely normal.
Try distracting yourself as well. Is there somewhere you can go, someone to call? A favorite program may take your mind off for a while. Treat yourself to a cup of tea. These things may sound simple, but they help.
Also, relaxation techniques will help. Deep breathing, tightening and relaxing your muscles, and thinking about a peaceful place will all center you and help you lessen your symptoms.
Hang in there, Rita. You may feel bad but you are ok. You have survived this before and you will again. I'm here if you need me.
You're right, Kate. It's just one of those days where I have to keep telling myself I'm pretty normal under the circumstances and accept it.
I have knitted, read, watched tv, read again, tried to take a nap, called a friend who wasn't home,....you name it, I probably did it.
I haven't seen Hernz in two weeks for the first time and have a lot to talk to him about. I'm writing everything down so I don't have to try to remember it all. Oh, well, today is almost over and tomorrow is a new day. I'm going down stairs to read my Bible for awhile. I'm also going to go over and read our posts from day one again,. That's when you gave me a lot of assurance I would get better.
I haven't been to church in weeks because of the morning thing, so I feel out of the loop there to. I'm going to try to get up early tomorrow and see if I can make it to church. I really, really need to be there plus be around some people for a change,
I"m reaching the end of my rope with these pills!! Even if I could get off one .5 would be a big help. But it is what it is and only two more days to go.
I'm glad you are feeling better. You will make it through and you will feel better. Reading your Bible and trying to make church, both will help. Remember, it may feel overwhelming at first, but once you do these things, you will feel much better.
Let me know how you are doing,
Hi Kate: I have some new info for you to consider. I went to see Dr. Hernz yesterday and had a thyroid lab test done. Got the results back already, Also copies of my past TSH results starting in 2009 that I didn't have for you to see before:
4/23/09 : 2.15 - taking 25mg generic synthroid daily
6/11/09: 2.68 - same as above
5/14/10: 1.74 - same as above - same doctor
4/11/11 1.75 - same as above - GYN doctor
7/25/11 2.57 - stopped meds 6 weeks ago
Dr. Hernz is going to consult with the endocrinologist he recommended but can't see until August 12 to see if she can get me in sooner. He said he also wants to fill her in about my panic disorder and consult with her regarding thyroid meds (he doesn't like synthroid but one that begins with an L) so he can decide about the xanax I'm on. He doesn't want to do anything before he has all the facts. He's hoping she will agree to see me before the 12th.
So things are happening. But what do the numbers mean to you? I honestly don't understand when he tries to explain.
So we are getting somewhere.
It's great that you finally got to see the Dr. and got your results already. That must be a big relief. Plus, it sounds like he is working hard on your case and trying to get you some answers.
I wish I could explain those numbers to you, but that is more medical than psychological. I understand how thyroid problems may affect anxiety but beyond that, I would refer to a psychiatrist who is a medical doctor trained in psychology and medications for evaluation.
Your situation sounds very hopeful though. I am encouraged for you to finally be able to get on top of this problem and get some relief from your symptoms. It will be very valuable to know what is actually your anxiety and what is caused by thyroid issues.
Keep me up to date on how it goes. I am praying for you.