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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have just discovered that my husband has been confiding into

Resolved Question:

I have just discovered that my husband has been confiding into the care giver who looks after my ailing mum.Upon questioning him he feels that he cannot speak to me as per his version is that I am not giving him a listing ear.I am married for 32yrs and at no given time have I even though that I was not listening to him.I have spoken to both my kids 28and27yrs and they have advised us to see a counsellor.
Where do I go from here?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.

It is very unusual that he feels so emotionally distant from you and you feel like everything is all right. Is it true that you have felt the marriage has been wonderful and satisfying till now?

If not, what did you identify as the problems?

Has he shared with you why he feels you don't give him a listening ear?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.

I will most likely log off for the night before you reply, but go ahead and reply to these questions and I’ll answer as soon as I log on tomorrow. Okay?


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes in my mind I thought the marriage is alright. He feels I have an attitude problem hence the listening. He also feels that my job(store mgr for a retail store) has made me the way I am.Wants everything done yesterday,complains if my daughters room is untidy.He feels that I am snagging too much on the same issue as tidiness in the house Believes that I an pushing my daughter out of the house because of her un tidiness..He has a stressful job as in travelling 200km a day.Once at his job he does not physically work as he has labourers to look after(He is a fininshing foreman for a construction company). The travelling is getting to him. When he phones me at work he feels I am always to busy cannot give him an idle chat. He continually talks about my atitude. I am a person that calls a spade a spade. Do not mince my words. Gets things of my chest. Will give you a listerning ear however when I see/listen that you are on a different page I will tell you.Very haste. Believes in what can be done to-day should not be left for tomorrow.I love my husband dearly/sincerely. I also do believe that he loves me equal. I love my kids the same.I do know that sometimes in ones working day stress does overpower the mind. I always thought that I have managed it over the years(26yrs in the same co./job). I obvious have not being the case of the current situation.I am also a very detail and meticulious person within myself. Quick thinker and gets frustracted in him as he will take his time to answer. I am trying very hard to find a happy balance. I have told him and the kids that I am prepared to go and seek help however in my mind I am questioning myself and saying that I did not start the problem by confiding in an outsider(employee) because of a listening ear. I am working your route as my first option. I hope this info hepls. Will answer more if your need me too.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I am very sorry but I have patient emergencies here where I work as a psychologist I need to attend to today. I am going to opt out and let another expert help you so that you do not have to wait until Sunday. All the best to you, Dr. Mark
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like their may be a combination of an overwhelming amount of stress in both your lives and a difficulty with communication. You say you like things to be detailed and meticulous and your husband takes his time and think things through. This gives me the hint that the two of you may have some differences in how you see things. These differences can create conflict and cause the two of you to take your stress out on each other through dysfunctional behavior. Working out those differences through better communication would help bridge the gap between you and create a stronger marriage.

 

One of the best ways you can achieve this is through marriage counseling. There are many options including seeing a marriage counselor, talking with your pastor, if you attend church, or through self help and group work. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.goodtherapy.org/south-africa-counseling.htm

 

http://www.psychotherapy.co.za/

 

http://www.therapistdirectory.co.za/find_a_therapist.asp

 

http://www.marriagetoday.com/

 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

 

Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson

 

We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) by C. Notarius and Howard Markman

 

The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate by Emerson Eggerichs

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Let me know if I can help any further,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I am not satisfied with your view only. Is there not another expert that can give me a view. I am also sitting with my husband this Saturday to understand what his view point is and I will then share it with you to give you a better understanding from his side.He is away currently and this may be an opportunity for him to reflect and share frustrations that I may be not aware of. Is it possible to hold until then as I really need sound expert direction/advice on the way forward.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

If you are not happy with my response, that is not a problem. I will opt out so another expert can assist you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5401
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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