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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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im interested in a guy who is going through a divorce, he

Resolved Question:

i'm interested in a guy who is going through a divorce, he gave me access to his phone bill and i have paid a few bills for him. Since getting the access to the phone bill I notice he does call me but also talks to alot of other people by text and sends pics. I keep snooping around because I want him to only want me being that the divorce is final in two days. What should I do? Oh yea and I met him online, I have been out once to california to meet him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 5 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting me at Just Answer. Let's see if I can help here...

AgapeDoc :

This is a bit of a sticky situation. It seems that he is not very stable at least financially and since he is in the final stages of a divorce I submit that emotionally he may not be that stable either.

AgapeDoc :

You sound like you are ready for more commitment than he is to be honest.

Customer:

Yes I tend to be the one who keeps him focused on what he needs to get done with looking for a job, making sure everything with the divorce is going smoothly and he likes to get advice from me about what he should do even though he doesn't always take the advice, he makes his own decisions

AgapeDoc :

He is getting the "better end of the deal" as it were. You are generous enough to pay for his bills and have taken on the financial responsibility of the relationship.

Customer:

Yes I feel sometimes ready

Customer:

i have been burned a couple times previous about almost a year and half ago

Customer:

another divorce guy and a guy in his 30's who will probably never stop being 16 with how he treats women like they are dispensible

Customer:

yes i have

AgapeDoc :

Now that you have said that, I would suspect that you are are very trusting person and generous by nature. My guess would be that this is your nature. You should proceed with extreme caution...

Customer:

yes its in my nature

Customer:

money isn't an issue for me unfortanetly

Customer:

and i inhereted it from my dad

Customer:

he used to try to solve and buy love with money, i saw that with him and my mom

AgapeDoc :

I think you have every right to set up some boundaries and make sure that he adheres to them.

Customer:

ok but thats why i don't know what to do

Customer:

because now i cut off the money

Customer:

i told him i just couldn't

Customer:

but he doesn't have a clue that I see all the people his in contact with on his phone bill

AgapeDoc :

The money issue and what you have just posted is something to strongly consider...

Customer:

the pic images always connect an email account on his phone so i look them up on facebook

Customer:

always another girl

AgapeDoc :

That's ok.... explain that you need reassurance of his commitment to you due to the nature of your (long distance) relationship

Customer:

he wont, he says he isn't talking to anyone else

Customer:

then says we are not together

Customer:

but we call each other babe and sweets, honey

AgapeDoc :

"Always another girl..." you say? I'm afraid that if we were having this conversation face to face, I would simply repeat that and sit silently while that resonated with you.....

AgapeDoc :

Listen to what you are saying here....

Customer:

and when i was in california it was like we were at least dating

Customer:

but his super social even though he never tells me his with girls

Customer:

he never says girls names unless its one of a friends gf's

Customer:

or talking or texting

Customer:

idk i tried to cut it off the last weekend and he freaked out on me

Customer:

i'm not scared of him

Customer:

i just feel invested and his partially and getting the better end of the stick

AgapeDoc :

You asked what you should do.... I would have to say that this relationship is not one based on trust and I am afraid that it's not going anywhere... sorry...

Customer:

even though he never asks for money he considered accepting that i pay his attorneys fees because he has two kids involved in the this divorce

AgapeDoc :

Let me ask you.... do you want to cut your loses now, or later on when you will have lost even more...

AgapeDoc :

Listen to yourself.....

Customer:

but how when i already feel like i have given so much

Customer:

money, time, energy, feelings

Customer:

i feel like its the cycle of relationships im choosing too

Customer:

the first divorce guy really messed me up

AgapeDoc :

As I said - it's unfortunate that you find yourself in this position - however, it's better to end it now than later.

Customer:

he held onto me for 9 months through his last relationship and married her 3 months after we stop talking

AgapeDoc :

I think you are right about your pattern -

Customer:

i don't understand though why he wants me around or someone to talk to

AgapeDoc :

I would suggest you see a relationship coach or a therapist to see how you can recognize what you might be doing to attract this kind of relationship.

Customer:

he doesn't talk to all these other girls

Customer:

he just texts them all day long

AgapeDoc :

Of course he likes this - he is getting all the benefits....

Customer:

but how can he feel right about it, using someone

Customer:

he feels like his been so good to me

Customer:

and in free ways he has if thats the best way to put it

Customer:

always respectful, asks me how im doing

Customer:

spent time with me in californai

Customer:

always calls

Customer:

used to text alot

Customer:

mostly when he says his going to call

AgapeDoc :

It sounds like you are making excuses for a man than invests his time talking, texting (either way) to other women and doesn't tell you about it - and even denies it! Is this what you want for yourself?

Customer:

i feel like i'm number one but that he has a whole bunch of other options just in case

Customer:

no and the only reason why i know about it though is because i have access to it

Customer:

if i didn't i wouldn't know then what would i do

Customer:

ultimately i feel like i have lost so much trust for men over these last 3 years

Customer:

the other two guys cheated on me with some of my friends that they met through me and/or girls that i knew

Customer:

i feel so screwed up

Customer:

with the trust issues

AgapeDoc :

If you are OK being with someone who feels he needs a (or many) backup plans - then ....

AgapeDoc :

If you are ok being with someone who as backup plans, then...

AgapeDoc :

Are you OK being with someone who needs a backup plan in case you don't work out?

Customer:

no i'm not sigh

Customer:

but what if all these girls are friends

Customer:

and i'm over-reacting

Customer:

and were not together, even though were not dating and were not friends

AgapeDoc :

You are the victim here. If they were friends (c'mon) he would tell you about them.

Customer:

yea i don't know any of them by name

Customer:

and he mentions all his friends and their girlfriends

Customer:

the girlfriends of the friends have even talked to me on the phone

Customer:

so they know about me

Customer:

well i probably don't have much to worry about now

Customer:

he hasn't called, text or anything today

Customer:

but his been texting a new girl all day and sending her pics

Customer:

i predict he will call tonight but once were done talking back to the texting

Customer:

spradically he will call one

AgapeDoc :

It seems to me that you have your answer - but it's not the answer you really want. Unfortunately, to stay in the relationship is going to get you more problems....

AgapeDoc :

I imagine that you were hoping for some way to make this OK. But unfortunately, no one could make this work for you.... sorry :(

Customer:

i think your right

Customer:

i just need to try to find it in me to make it happen

Customer:

im scared to move on

AgapeDoc :

I hope I was helpful. If you are satisfied with my efforts, please don't forget to click on the accept button

Customer:

and say that i spent almost 3000 in all this

Customer:

yes your time was definitely helpful!!

AgapeDoc :

I know you must be - that's natural and you're not the first person to find yourself in this position. That's why I think a therapist would be very helpful to you :)

Customer:

i think i should get into therapy

Customer:

i have been before last time was about two years ago after the first bad bad break up

Customer:

but yea i think i need to go back

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