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Good evening. I'm online and would be happy to try and help. Please let me know when you are in the room and we can discuss this further
Hello and thank you for joining me in the room
I am available right now.
Would you mind very much if I asked a couple of questions to gain further understanding of the situation?
I do not mind.
First...when would you say that the verbal abuse against your husband began?
I think that it has actually been going on for years. Even while he was living with his ex-wife. I noticed verbal abuse towards him from her. I didn't realized the children were doing it too. I just noticed it when he and I began dating and announced our engagement.
Thank you. What form does the verbal abuse take on? Is it in relation to the divorce or other things?
Yes. It in relation to their divorce and his decision to not have contact with his ex wife. It also seems to be in relation to the fact that my husband has taken control of his life and is not allowing them or his ex-wife to control him any longer.
Thank you. That was my impression but it was important to confirm it from you. It seems that his children are projecting their anger at the divorce itself onto their father which is completely wrong of course. Especially given the fact that the divorce was likely a result of her own verbal abuse and her infidelity. Does that sound to be accurate?
Thank you. At this point does your husband still help them when they come to him for anything?
They don't come to him for anything at this point. He was helping them in the past, mainly financially. They would go to their mother for everything else as she always said "yes" to everything and then expected my husband to fulfill all of their needs and wishes. His daughter did come to him in the past for advice but not his son. His son made all of his own decisions with the help of his mother,.
thank you. It sounds as though the children learned the behavior from the ex wife and then it took off when they found they could get what they wanted regardless of how the engaged or behaved. You mentioned that they even berated your husband's sister when she voiced that what they were doing is wrong?
Yes, this is correct.
Do your husbands other siblings recognize this as well? The severity and wrong behavior of the children?
His siblings recognize the bad behaviour but his older brother in particular says that he will still have a relationship with my husband's son and treat him respectfully. His family for the most part are very polite and respectful people and in some cases not very assertive. They are educated people and not used to this kind of behaviour and really don't know how to deal with it.
I can sincerely XXXXX XXXXX behaviors....sounds to be the opposite of his ex wife...and I'm only speculating but my impression is that her family is probably like that as well
has the family as a whole been in counseling prior to the divorce?
I believe that her family may be like that as well but from what they display on the outside you may not know it. The family as a whole has never been to counselling before the divorce. It was however understood by my husband's family that his ex-wife was abusive and dysfunctional.
My suggestion at this point is for your husband to meet with his siblings who all seem to be reasonable and explain to them that he has tried everything to reason with the children, be supportive of them, etc. which has had no impact and no positive results. They will likely continue this behavior if there are no consequences. It's important that he explain this to his siblings and then to inform the children that he will be cutting ties with them until they recognize the harm that they are causing him and the impact this is having on his life and likely health. Given the fact the stress endured likely impacts his blood pressure and other physical manifestations.
He can do this either face to face, email or letter...whichever he is comfortable with. These are not children...they're adults and SHOULD know the difference between right and wrong and they're choosing to ignore that to the detriment of their father. If this persists it will only worsen and will certainly take it's toll on your husband as psychological stress will almost ALWAYS manifest into physical conditions which can and often are threatening to one's well being
Thank you for this advice. From my past experience I know that his children will respond with an answer like "what about the harm that you are doing to us!" They are very narcisstic people. His siblings may also take the children's side as they are very compassionate people. Do you think it logical that my husband ask his siblings to have no contact with the children until they recognize what they are doing is wrong?
I think it's reasonable for your husband to meet with his siblings and to explain things precisely the way I have identified them...especially in relation to the stress causing physical conditions, the more stress he has the more his arteries constrict.
I woudl suggest that he tell his siblings the intent and that he would not hold any ill will toward them if they decide to maintain contact with the children but that the best thing for him to do is to take a break from them.
May I offer another suggestion? And you are most welcome for the advice
I would suggest recommending to your husband to consider seeing a therapist individually as even though this is the healthiest approach to take...it will still take a toll on him given that they are still his children despite their inexcusable behavior. He's only human
May I ask...do you have any other questions I can help with?
No. That is all. Thank you very much for your help.
You are most welcome. I'm very happy that I could help and you can end the chat by clicking the accept button if I've answered your question to your satisfaction. I wish you and your husband the very best and I wish you well